Musings about Life

For what would you die?

2011-11-06T22:39:00.001-06:00

I read a story once about a little girl who was martyred in China in the 1940's because she was caught receiving and adoring Our Lord. Communists soldiers had forced open a tabernacle and thrown all the Hosts on the floor and stomped on them. The little girl, who witnessed this desecration, found a way to sneak into the church, knelt and bowed, taking a Host into her mouth as her head reached the floor. She did this over the course of several days until, finally, she was discovered and shot to death. An imprisoned priest had witnessed all of it. To read the entire story, go to this link: http://www.americaneedsfatima.org/Articles/the-little-girl-who-inspired-archbishop-fulton-sheens-vow.html

It made me wonder. Would I die for Our Lord in this way, if I was given the opportunity? I think of this story whenever I receive Holy Communion and the priest gives me one of the pieces he broke off from the large Host. Inevitably, a crumb falls into my hand and I go to great lengths to make sure I consume it so that it won't fall to the floor. I once asked a priest friend about crumbs falling on the floor and he said Our Lord could take care of Himself if that happened. I took issue with such a cavalier attitude. Of course, the Lord can take care of Himself but what about our attention to Him, our reverence of Him? Should we really allow Him to fall on the floor, only to be trampled on? I cannot imagine doing that. Every particle is Our Lord, after all.

I pray that I would risk my life for the Lord, if called to do so, no matter what.

true love

2011-10-23T22:00:00.002-05:00

"You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment. The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. The whole law and the prophets depend on these two commandments." Matt 22:37-40

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What does it mean to truly love, by Jesus' definition? I've been pondering. To love God with all my heart, all my soul and all my mind leads to complete obedience to all of God's laws and more. I must obey, yes, but love is an act of will and means more than obedience. Obedience is the foundation; complete assent to doing God's will in everything is true love of God.

A friend of mine told me that she and her mother were talking about the concept of doing what one enjoys. They concluded that, if everyone did what God had written on their hearts to do, everyone would have exactly what is needed in life. I think that may be what God has in mind for the world. He gives each of us talents to be used and shared with others. By our using the talents He gives us, we can love God and we can love our neighbors. If all of us shared our talents with each other, it would be a beautiful world, indeed! I wish we could do a grand experiment. What if people started doing this, no holds barred, with no reservations or fear? Some people grow food, some people make beautiful music or art, some people are engineers, others are builders, nurses...the list is endless, really. Just think, if we all got together and shared what we do best, how marvelous it would be! It seems to me that no one would want for anything. I think this is what the Christian community in the Acts of the Apostles tried to do.

The problem is we can be selfish, fearful, prideful, ready to pick fights, unwilling to share and wanting to do what we want to do when we want to do it, regardless of the consequences at times. However, we can effect change in small positive ways. We don't really have to do any experiments on a large scale. We can be kind to one another. We can hone our talents and find ways to glorify God and help our neighbors by using them. We can love quietly.

My desire is to spend the rest of my life, seeking ways to love God and the people around me by sharing the talents God gave me to help build the kingdom of God and to help others (as well as myself) get to heaven. With the grace of God, I will.

lessons in compassion

2011-10-16T22:18:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking about the times I have experienced or witnessed compassionate actions by people close to me. Those actions became mini-lessons on living according to God's will. They helped to shape me.

One of the first times I witnessed compassion, up close and personal, was when a close friend of my parents suffered postpartum depression and had to be hospitalized for 6 weeks. My parents took care of her infant daughter for those 6 weeks. (When she had to leave, I grieved. At the age of 9, I had a great love of babies.) I was touched by my parents' loving gesture. It wasn't easy taking in an infant when they already had 5 kids!

My father's daily ministering to patients in hospitals taught me to think outside of myself. His prayers for them became my prayers. I learned that people appreciate just 5 minutes of a stranger's time.

My sister's faith community surrounded her with loving gestures as she was dying--with nightly dinners for 10, for one thing--and taught me generosity. I'd never seen a whole community care for a family in the ways they did. Through that gargantuan effort, I learned that a small community can make a huge difference.

When I lost my job this year, people on the periphery of my life and people close to me brought their own unique kindnesses to me. Phone calls, letters, emails, breakfasts, lunches, dinners, snacks...home cooked meals, prayer support...all came my way in a most generous outpouring of love. From them, I learned how much I was loved. And, during that time, God showed me how to trust Him by the many piano students He sent my way. I will never again doubt that God will provide for my every need. Saying yes to Him is no longer a chore but a great joy. I know absolutely that He has my best interest at heart.

And, a couple weeks ago, a prominent person in pro-life circles here (and a dear friend of mine) met me at the front door of a banquet hall, took my hand and led me to our table, telling me she had a feeling that night would be difficult for me. (It was an event where I would most likely encounter the people who'd fired me.) She told me later that, as she sat at the table before I had arrived, MY guardian angel had prompted her to go find me at the door. My heart sang as she led me through the hall to our seat. She taught me that the best leaders are those who answer God's call for compassion and kindness.

These and other people showed me how to live the two great commandments Jesus gave us: to love God and to love others. Their actions have changed me in profound ways. Isn't it amazing the difference we can make in others' lives by seemingly small, loving gestures?

getting ready

2011-10-10T06:46:00.000-05:00

Oooh, boy. The Catholic Church has revised Mass texts and we will begin using them the first week of Advent. We musicians are all agog, trying to convince our choirs that this is indeed a very good thing, as well as teach them new Mass parts. The verbiage in the Gloria, the Holy, Holy, Holy, the Memorial Acclamations AND the Lamb of God will all be changed. Along with all of this, we at St. Columba ordered new hymnals, replete with lots of hymns no one knows. There are many that are old favorites of mine. (I learned them, playing for other parishes.) Let's just hope my enthusiasm is contagious and the entire congregation will get on board! The thing is we musicians have it easy. It's the priests who will have to learn a lot more.

This takes me back to the time we went from Latin to the local languages. I remember it, even though I was pretty young when it happened. I remember thinking how wonderful it was to be able to understand what was being said at Mass, yet missing the beauty of Latin. (After all, we had missals in English to follow along when it was in Latin.) I was too young to really grasp the importance of it all.

Change does not come easy to us, does it? I've been feeling it lately. Over the past 9 months, my life completely changed. While I really enjoy what I am doing these days, I still feel discombobulated, as though it's all a dream. I work hard but it doesn't feel like work. I feel energized by each piano lesson I teach. Focusing on music is a great way to make a living! And yet here I am, stewing, wondering if it's going to last. Silly, huh? Nothing lasts forever so why spend time and energy, thinking about it. The thing to do is be present and revel in this very moment.

I resolve to be at peace and to bring joy, peace and love to the person who is before me right now. I won't worry about a year from now or even 10 minutes from now. Love this moment in the Lord. That's the ticket!

don't worry; be peaceful!

2011-10-02T20:43:00.005-05:00

Phil 4:6-9
"Brothers and sisters:
Have no anxiety at all, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
make your requests known to God.
Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters,
whatever is true, whatever is honorable,
whatever is just, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious,
if there is any excellence
and if there is anything worthy of praise,
think about these things.
Keep on doing what you have learned and received
and heard and seen in me.
Then the God of peace will be with you."

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This was today's second reading. It gave me pause. No anxiety. Prayer and petition, and thanksgiving. Make my requests known to God. Peace. Focus on things that are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious. "Then the God of peace will be with you." Peace. It sure has taken me a long time to come to the point of living my life in peace and not carry on with great angst all the time.

We are meant to live our lives in peace. I have come to understand that, if we do not love God with our whole hearts, minds, bodies and souls, we will have no peace. So, let's just make it easy on ourselves and follow St. Paul's command here. Okay? C'mon, if you don't believe me, do a little experiment. Every time you find yourself worrying about something, stop and say to yourself that God loves you with a magnitude that will never stop and He will take care of your every need. And, then, ask our Lord to take the worry from you. I'd love to hear your report after you do this for a while!

Don't worry. Be happy. Remember that saying from years ago? That saying was onto something. In God's realm: don't worry, be peaceful!

May you have a blessed, peaceful week!

spending time with my grandson

2011-09-25T20:27:00.003-05:00

Liam and I had planned on this day for 3 months, ever since his 5th birthday. Actually, I'd been looking forward to this day for all five of his years. Ever since he was born, I had dreamed of the day I'd be able to share with him my love of the theater. Today, I took him to the Children's Theater to see their production of Mercy Watson to the Rescue. As a birthday present, I gave him the book and bought the tickets when they were available a few weeks later. He had insisted on reading the book several times over the ensuing months' wait. One day, he told me he was wondering how in the world they'd make Mr. and Mrs. Watson's bed fall through the ceiling and how they'd make a pig talk. Today, we found out!

It was such fun, watching Liam's reaction to the play. He laughed at all the jokes, wondering out loud about different things. (I was hoping the people around us didn't care if he was louder than he should have been, given their kids were prone to the same thing at times.) To see it through his eyes made it immensely more fun than had I seen it without him.

For me, spending time with a child, especially either of my grandchildren, is one of the greatest blessings in my life. After both of them were born, I was with them from 6 AM to noon every day for 6 weeks while their mother recovered from cesarean sections. Ever since then, with the exception of the one week a year their extended family on their mother's side spends at their cabins together, I have had a "Nana play date" every week and often more than that. All of this has served to forge deep relationships among us. I'm their beloved "Nana" and they are my beloved "grands". I joke that now I know the reason I had children: to have grandchildren! Of course, it's not entirely true...I loved raising my children...but trust me when I say that having grandchildren is in a sphere all its own.

Today, as we walked the block to the theater from my car, Liam skipped along, stopping to pick up those little seedlings that children call helicopters. He wanted to show me how they fly through the air and insisted that I try a few. Then, he found a puddle in the middle of the sidewalk and there was no way he could walk around it. He said, "but, Nana, it was there in the middle of the sidewalk" when I asked him if he really had to walk through it instead of walking around it. (Of course, having raised a passel of kids myself, I knew he HAD to do it before he even did it!) Then, he wanted to know if I'd let him climb a short brick fence so he could walk along on it. Yes, I said. Did he want to hold my hand? (He did.) The thing for which I wasn't prepared happened as we walked back to the car. He asked if he could whisper something in my ear: "I have to go to the bathroom." Now, I'd asked him before the play began, I asked him at intermission, I asked him as we exited the theater. Each time I got a negative response. Now, all of a sudden, the kid had to gooooo! We got in the car, with me driving as fast as I could to a local gas station. No bathroom there! I drove as quickly as possible to a place where I knew there was a McDonald's because we'd talked about going for ice cream after the show. We made it and Liam told me he was glad I didn't speed because we could have had an accident if I had. Well, I thought, we--he--could have had an accident if I hadn't sped (just a little!), too! We both were grateful for each green light that we had passed through along the way! Ah, the adventures Nana can have when spending time with grandchildren!

As we sat outside the McDonald's eating our ice cream, a woman came up, trying to engage Liam in conversation. He was polite enough. I suppose I was, too, but I think we both deeply resented her intrusion. For just a little while, he and I, just the two of us, were in our own little world. It was a special time for both of us.

I will never understand how it is that some grandparents insist their grandchildren be aborted. Anyone ought to know that all grandchildren have to offer is pure joy!

a very good parable!

2011-09-18T19:46:00.003-05:00

Ha! By giving this entry the title I did, here I am critiquing Jesus' parable about the landowner and his workers that we heard today. It seems like such audacity! However, it IS a good parable. It's one that makes us squirm because we've all been there, done that.

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Mt 20:1-16a
Jesus told his disciples this parable:
"The kingdom of heaven is like a landowner
who went out at dawn to hire laborers for his vineyard.
After agreeing with them for the usual daily wage,
he sent them into his vineyard.
Going out about nine o'clock,
the landowner saw others standing idle in the marketplace,
and he said to them, 'You too go into my vineyard,
and I will give you what is just.'
So they went off.
And he went out again around noon,
and around three o'clock, and did likewise.
Going out about five o'clock,
the landowner found others standing around, and said to them,
'Why do you stand here idle all day?'
They answered, 'Because no one has hired us.'
He said to them, 'You too go into my vineyard.'
When it was evening the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman,
'Summon the laborers and give them their pay,
beginning with the last and ending with the first.'
When those who had started about five o'clock came,
each received the usual daily wage.
So when the first came, they thought that they would receive more,
but each of them also got the usual wage.
And on receiving it they grumbled against the landowner, saying,
'These last ones worked only one hour,
and you have made them equal to us,
who bore the day's burden and the heat.'
He said to one of them in reply,
'My friend, I am not cheating you.
Did you not agree with me for the usual daily wage?
Take what is yours and go.
What if I wish to give this last one the same as you?
Or am I not free to do as I wish with my own money?
Are you envious because I am generous?'
Thus, the last will be first, and the first will be last."

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Haven't we all cried "foul!" when we thought we were getting the short end of the stick, while someone else seemed to be showered with gifts? Jealousy can definitely rear its ugly head! I love, love, love this parable. It shakes my thinking up in an uncomfortable, disconcerting way and makes me realize that God's ways are not always my ways, my thinking is not always aligned with His. Isn't it interesting that Jesus felt He had to speak this parable and now, years later, it's just as appropriate for us to hear as it was for His disciples to hear back then?

The thing is don't we, in our heart of hearts, really wish that everyone we know (including ourselves) will be in heaven one day? Sometimes it takes a long while for us to put into practice what Our Lord tells us to do. In some ways, it can become a lifelong learning curve.

I look at each of our lives as a process. Perfection can elude us for most of our lives, even when we very diligently work at it. I believe that, in heaven, everyone will be rejoicing with everyone else. It won't matter that some of us led entire lives of debauchery and sin, only to be given one final opportunity to come to the Truth at the very instant before our deaths so that we could repent. We will have arrived and it will be beautiful!

Back here on earth, it is a challenge for us not to be jealous. We want the best. We want to be first. That is not how God's generosity works. He is kind and merciful (and slow to anger, thank heavens!). We must not judge what we have or have not against what others have been given. What I've discovered is that God is waiting for us to love Him entirely. When we can do that, no matter how long it will take, heaven will await!

I, for one, am very thankful for the beauty around me. I am grateful for my gracious, generous God who is merciful and who loves me without end. I am also glad He gave me parables in which I can see my own shortcomings. These are little lessons that can polish my soul. Awesome!

Remembering 9/11

2011-09-11T22:03:00.002-05:00

What a sad and scary day September 11, 2001 was for us! I have a feeling all of us will remember exactly what we were doing when we heard the news of the terrorist attacks. It will be a day that will live on in our memories.

Here is a quote from a speech by renowned pro-life leader Monsignor Philip Reilly, the founder of Helpers of God’s Precious Infants, about where he was that day. When the terrorist attacks happened, he was outside an abortion mill near the New York harbor where the Twin Towers could be seen easily from his vantage point. He wanted so badly to go there to help but he knew he couldn't. While the drama unfolded before his eyes, the killing of innocent lives continued in the abortuary, and he knew he had to stay where he was to intercede for little lives. It wasn't until midnight that he was able to go to Ground Zero to help. A helpless feeling came over him when he arrived and so he decided to pray the rosary as he stood there.

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"As I prayed the rosary, I closed my eyes and with my eyes closed, I suddenly saw the people in the Tower getting ready for work at 9 a.m. Some were getting a drink of water, others a cup of coffee, all feeling safe and secure inside their office. Then I saw the terrorist plane breaking into their secure quarters and exploding like a great bomb with the people in the office having no place to hide, no place to flee. Then still standing at midnight at Ground Zero, I saw not the people in the Towers, but I saw a womb with an unborn child inside, feeling so safe and secure and suddenly breaking through the wall of the womb was this terrorist object, the instrument of the abortionist, with the child having no place to hide, no place to flee from this terrorist instrument."

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The devastating context of his thoughts surely are not lost on any of us. There's a psychological phenomenon that happens when two people are fighting with one another and a third party comes and attacks one of them. Immediately the two who were fighting join forces against the third party, as if to say, "How dare you beat up my brother?" An outside attack can bring two people close together once again. The 9/11 attacks feel that way to me. All of us Americans were at odds with our politicians, our neighbors, etc. but, the minute we were attacked, we stopped fighting and joined hands against the terrorists. How I wish this would happen with abortion! The thing is innocent, helpless babies are being victimized and their own mothers aren't even coming to their defense against the terrorist instruments the abortionists use. I cannot understand this because, written on every single human heart is natural law, the ability to know right from wrong. Written in natural law is that killing is wrong. After having worked for a long time with women facing unexpected pregnancies, I could go on and on, telling of what I know to be true about women who are victimized, coerced into abortion. I don't believe any women wants to abort her child, deep down. She knows the truth. There are always circumstances surrounding abortions. I always believed that, if we could just get to the core issues, we might have a fighting chance to help her.

Isn't it interesting that our country has a war on terrorism and we find it repugnant, but many of us can't even see the terrorism that is going on right under our noses? This very real terrorism has to end. No woman's rights will be trampled when it does. In actuality, women will be able to follow once again the law written on their hearts. They will finally be set free.

What to do?

2011-09-05T22:55:00.003-05:00

I'm a day late in getting this out but I've been in a bit of tizz the past couple days. First of all, I was privileged to be able to play for 3 Masses in 3 different parishes yesterday morning, running from one end of the Twin Cities to another. (I am what I term "bi-citien". Lots of people here do NOT recognize that there is life on the OTHER side of the Mississippi River. I, on the other hand, traverse across it into St. Paul, into Minneapolis, and back and forth, with great abandon!) Playing for Mass and running around like a crazy person wore me out but I loved doing it. Someone told me that EVERYONE sang at the first Mass. It warmed my heart when she said that! And, any time I can facilitate congregational hymn singing at Mass is a very blessed thing for me.

Anyway, yesterday's readings were very challenging for me. Here they are.

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Reading 1 Ez 33:7-9
Thus says the LORD:
You, son of man, I have appointed watchman for the house of Israel;
when you hear me say anything, you shall warn them for me.
If I tell the wicked, "O wicked one, you shall surely die, "
and you do not speak out to dissuade the wicked from his way,
the wicked shall die for his guilt,
but I will hold you responsible for his death.
But if you warn the wicked,
trying to turn him from his way,
and he refuses to turn from his way,
he shall die for his guilt,
but you shall save yourself.

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Reading 2 Rom 13:8-10
Brothers and sisters:
Owe nothing to anyone, except to love one another;
for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.
The commandments, "You shall not commit adultery;
you shall not kill; you shall not steal; you shall not covet, "
and whatever other commandment there may be,
are summed up in this saying, namely,
"You shall love your neighbor as yourself."
Love does no evil to the neighbor;
hence, love is the fulfillment of the law.

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Gospel Mt 18:15-20
Jesus said to his disciples:
"If your brother sins against you,
go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.
If he listens to you, you have won over your brother.
If he does not listen,
take one or two others along with you,
so that 'every fact may be established
on the testimony of two or three witnesses.'
If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church.
If he refuses to listen even to the church,
then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector.
Amen, I say to you,
whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven,
and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.
Again, amen, I say to you,
if two of you agree on earth
about anything for which they are to pray,
it shall be granted to them by my heavenly Father.
For where two or three are gathered together in my name,
there am I in the midst of them."

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How does one apply these readings in one's life without risking alienation from loved ones? I have children and an ex-husband who are not living according to Church teaching. I've already voiced my concern to my children but it wasn't enough to change their thinking or their action about it. And, am I really responsible for my ex-husband's soul enough that I have to say something to him? My belief is the message would fall on deaf ears. And, then, there's the matter of the board of directors who fired me. All of their responses to my letter (which I published here a couple weeks ago) lead me to believe none of them want to see what they did was unjust and sinful. At least one of them continues to justify firing me...and not because what I did was wrong but to appease his fears. He even claimed he loved me! (Hypocrisy at its finest? What they did does not seem like an act of love to me.) Should I be reminding them that they falsely accused me of doing something I did not do and fired me when I didn't sign a paper saying that I did it? If they are entrenched in the belief that what they did was right, what good would it do for me to say anything?

If I don't say something in these instances, the fate of their souls could very well be on the line...and, according to the first reading, my soul is on the line, too. Isn't it enough to pray for them? Isn't it enough to trust God's infinite mercy? It seems like I'd be standing in the way of their right to exercise their free wills. They're all adults; they should know right from wrong...right? This is all so, so, so challenging for me!

It seems to me we must be courageous and speak up in such situations. (In the first homily I heard yesterday, Father affirmed this.) If it is true that loved ones' souls are at risk, isn't it an act of love to say something? Maybe our message won't get through but at least we would have tried. And, even if they don't listen now, maybe we can plant a seed for them so they will come to embrace the Truth some day before it's too late. The challenge is to say it in such a way that the message will be heard, instead of evoking an emotional response and the message be lost. Perhaps risking being called judgmental (or worse) is a small price to pay for someone's soul.

I'm praying about all of this. It's not easy!

a wondrous Sunday

2011-08-28T22:08:00.003-05:00

Responsorial Psalm
Ps 63:2, 3-4, 5-6, 8-9

R. (2b) My soul is thirsting for you, O Lord my God.

O God, you are my God whom I seek;
for you my flesh pines and my soul thirsts
like the earth, parched, lifeless and without water.

R. My soul is thirsting for you, O Lord my God.

Thus have I gazed toward you in the sanctuary
to see your power and your glory,
For your kindness is a greater good than life;
my lips shall glorify you.

R. My soul is thirsting for you, O Lord my God.

Thus will I bless you while I live;
lifting up my hands, I will call upon your name.
As with the riches of a banquet shall my soul be satisfied,
and with exultant lips my mouth shall praise you.

R. My soul is thirsting for you, O Lord my God.

You are my help, and in the shadow of your wings I shout for joy.
My soul clings fast to you; your right hand upholds me.

R. My soul is thirsting for you, O Lord my God.

Reading 2 Rom 12:1-2
I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God,
to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice,
holy and pleasing to God, your spiritual worship.
Do not conform yourselves to this age
but be transformed by the renewal of your mind,
that you may discern what is the will of God,
what is good and pleasing and perfect.

Gospel Mt 16:21-27
Jesus began to show his disciples
that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer greatly
from the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes,
and be killed and on the third day be raised.
Then Peter took Jesus aside and began to rebuke him,
"God forbid, Lord! No such thing shall ever happen to you."
He turned and said to Peter,
"Get behind me, Satan! You are an obstacle to me.
You are thinking not as God does, but as human beings do."

Then Jesus said to his disciples,
"Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself,
take up his cross, and follow me.
For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it,
but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
What profit would there be for one to gain the whole world
and forfeit his life"
Or what can one give in exchange for his life?
For the Son of Man will come with his angels in his Father's glory,
and then he will repay all according to his conduct."

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Talk about powerful readings, found in today's liturgy! The psalm is a cry, a deep in the soul longing, to know God intimately. Fr. Michael Joncas set it so beautifully. His setting is a perfect blending of the accompaniment, the melody and the words. By the time the psalm is finished, there is no doubt in your head (or should I say heart?) what exactly the psalmist was trying to convey so that your heart can sing it, too. (You can access a version of it on You Tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amzTaXQqFcc) Every time I played it at Mass this weekend (4 times!), I felt like weeping. Indeed, my soul is thirsting for you, O Lord, my God! What a gift it is to have such music when singing this psalm!

The passage from Romans 12 packs quite a wallop! We are told that we must be living sacrifices. We must discern the will of God and do it. We must take up our crosses and follow Jesus. These two verses can certainly be fodder for lots of contemplation and discernment!

The Gospel is very compelling for me. How many times have I thought better of God's will in my life? How many times have I been like Peter, saying certainly that isn't what you have in mind, Lord, when I didn't want to do something that I knew, deep in my heart, was God's will? Jesus' response to me was probably a lot like his to Peter. I was too arrogant to hear it then.

I was given a gift today. My friend, Sr. Susan Kennedy, the foundress of the Daughters of Divine Hope down in Tyler, Texas (website: http://www.daughtersofdivinehope.org/mainpage.html), shared with me something very beautiful. She had met with her bishop on Friday and was excited to tell me all about their meeting. (Trust me, I was just as excited to hear what she had to say!) It was about consecrated religious--actually ALL of us--being "living sacrifices". We must be transformed into living our entire lives as radically consecrated in the Truth. We must embrace our crosses and the crosses of those around us. In other words, everything we do must reflect Christ to others. For her, it means taking up the crosses of her Sisters and helping them, as Simon of Cyrene did for our Lord. For me, it is about saying yes to God's will to become formed as a consecrated religious. Ultimately, the mission, for consecrated religious, is to care for the Church. I don't know entirely what this means for my life yet, but I know God will show me, by and by.

Sister Sue told me that she had come to realize, as she's been wearing her habit, that her habit isn't something that calls attention to herself. It's an invitation for all who meet her to enter into Christ and His love for them. She has been surprised--and very blessed--to see this at work and to experience it.

I cannot even begin to tell you what a gift her words were to me! When we hung up, I cried. What she had just given to me was extremely important to my understanding of my mission in life. It felt like a great, great gift! The things she shared are all things I have been slooooowwwwwly coming to understand but could not articulate them nearly as she did for me. I long for the life about which she spoke. We were not able to talk long today and I have a feeling there is much, much more she has to tell me. I look forward to our next conversation about this. Every time we speak together, I learn so very much about the religious life and about taking up my cross and following Jesus. I thank God for our friendship. As she once told me, she believes we are companions on the journey, as so many saints were for one another. That is such a humbling thought!

Please pray for this fledgling community. It is a vital, important work!

a gift

2011-08-21T13:43:00.007-05:00

I wasn't going to publish this but I don't think I should keep it to myself either. I was given a beautiful gift from the Holy Spirit this week and I want to share it with you. It is a letter I wrote to the board of directors who fired me. The inspiration for it, I believe, came directly from God because I know, without a single doubt, I would never have come to it by myself. In publishing this letter, my prayer is that all of us will understand better that, within God's realm, forgiveness and reconciliation are indeed possible.

I've written this letter hundreds of times in my head (and sometimes on paper!) over the past 8 months. Every time, especially in the first few months, it came out angry, unforgiving, self-righteous, bitter--you get the drift. Something happened along the way. I believe it has been the Holy Spirit nudging and prodding me to take the higher ground. He was teaching me many valuable things during this period, things that I had to learn, I had to experience. In essence, I had to face myself, shortcomings and all. They have been (spiritual) life lessons that will continue to impact me. The stirrings of the Holy Spirit upon my soul have greatly humbled me. I know no other way to say it.

I wrote this mostly for myself, for my relationship with God, for my soul's sake. In the end, I also wanted to give the Board the gift of knowing that I understood why they did what they did. (I still call it cruel and unjust...but I don't believe their intent was to be cruel and unjust.) I thought, by their knowing that I am okay, they might be set free, too. I speculated that their action against me might have been a burden on them, too.

Please, please do not read this, thinking I'm so great. I can assure you I am not great at all. My current attitude has very little to do with me. It has been a precious time of God working and working on me to follow Him in all aspects of my life and most especially to forgiveness. I must tell you that I haven't been the easiest for Him. It required a change of heart, a change of perspective, an owning up to responsibility. These are not easy for a person who is naturally pretty prideful.

When I pressed the send button on my computer to email this letter, I said, Lord, it is in your hands now. I felt instant peace and, surprisingly, a sense of freedom. This letter represented closure for me. I could finally put this epoch to rest and move forward in my life.

Here is the letter I sent--8 months to the day that I was fired. (I found that interesting!) I can say now that everything written here is what I truly believe. Please forgive the redundancies in some parts. I wrote about those previously in this blog.

The thing about which you and I can rejoice: this could very well be THE last blog entry I will write about my termination. Ha...I see you dancing up and down with joy in front of your computer!

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Dear (individual names omitted for the sake of privacy),

I've been meaning to write this for a while. I want to tell you how sorry I am for the part I played in leading you to believe that you should terminate my employment at the Center. While I did not do all that you accused me of doing, I recognize that I had a responsibility for the situation of non-compliance regarding the doctor's timely review of the ultrasound charts. What still makes me sad is that, after 13 years of working together, all of you thought you had no other recourse but to fire me. I always tried to do the best I could for clients, volunteers and staff. I wasn't perfect but my heart was always in the right place.

Out of your decision, great good has come for me personally and I pray it has for the Center also. From the very onset of my unemployment, I have looked at the situation as a marvelous opportunity to grow in faith, courage, love, and trust in the Lord. I know now, even more than before this happened, that God is intimately involved in my life (and always has been) and, during this time most especially, He has been very generous to me. It has been a time for me to grow ever closer to God. For this, I am very grateful to Him.

At first, I wondered how in the world I would make it financially, given half my income had just gone away. (I was, and continue to be, very grateful for the unemployment payments.) As it all unfolded, I came to realize I need not have fretted for even one second. By the grace of God, I have stayed afloat. I have come to understand that I need very little to sustain my life.

The weekend after my employment was terminated, I prayed, asking God what He would like me to do next. All I kept hearing was I was to build up my piano studio. I thought that was rather odd, considering I only had 12 students at the time and figured I would need a lot more than that. How does one find lots of piano students in a blink of an eye?? That Sunday night, as I was talking to a cantor from St. Columba who lives here in New Brighton and telling her that I was going to expand my piano studio, she told me she'd been looking for a piano teacher for her daughter. I signed her right up and saw this as a sign from God that He really meant what He'd been telling me all weekend.

In the ensuing months, I have felt like Abraham who bargained with God over Sodom and Gomorrah, but in reverse. I started with, "Lord, if You want me to do this, I need You to send me 10 students right away." He sent 11 within two weeks. Then, I said, "Thank you, Lord...but I think I need 10 more." Soon, I had 10 more! These came, in part, from a teacher who moved to Denver and referred some of her students to me. Then, having been holding at 33 students for quite a while, I said, "Lord, to really make a go of it, I think I need at least 50 students by the start of the school year." I had hardly prayed this when I got a call from a woman named Melissa here in New Brighton who was moving to Haiti with her husband to be a missionary and she needed to refer her 43 students to teachers here. One of her students' mothers called, inquiring about my teaching, saying she wished I'd do what Melissa had done: go to St. John the Baptist School, here in New Brighton, every school day morning from 7:30 to 9:30 to teach piano lessons. When I asked Melissa how many she had taught this past year there, she told me 17. 17 plus 33 equals God's gracious generosity! I've been welcomed with open arms by the principal there and by the director of liturgy (who, by the way, knew my late sister Mary--he was her predecessor at St. John the Baptist in Excelsior; it is, indeed, a small world!). They are even giving me the choir room with a fancy Steinway grand piano to use!

It appears God has given me another opportunity and it is to minister to young people through piano teaching. One student, a teen-ager, has no fingers on his left hand...just stubs of 3. When he played for me the first time, I almost cried. His playing was so sensitive and beautiful! I told him it was going to be a privilege to teach him. He replied, "really?" I said, "Yes...just look what you have accomplished in your lacking IF I can be so bold as to call it a lacking." Since then, I've asked him if he's thinking of the priesthood. His mother thanked me for planting a seed. He had never considered it until now. A grandmother called me recently, asking if I would have room in the fall for four of her grandchildren, two of whom watched their father drown 3 years ago; they and their cousins are grieving. I have a feeling there will be more than piano lessons going on among us.

I am volunteering at Pro-life Across America, doing some editing for Mary Ann's writings. I am the on-call counselor at (a pregnancy center that is supported by my home parish). Certainly, my passion for life has not diminished and these allow me to continue to work on behalf of life.

I have been trying to schedule my day so I have more time for prayer and contemplation. The new religious community is still very much on my heart. I have been meeting with the bishop regularly about it. It is in the earliest germinating stage and I want to make sure I am present to our Lord as it grows.

I hold no animosity toward any of you. I want you all to know this. T (board president) called me a few days after firing me and, among other things, reminded me that we have been friends for a long time. To be sure, within the Body of Christ, we remain friends. The initial sadness for me was that I considered you all my friends and to have been treated the way I had been by you seemed like a betrayal. However, I have come to see that you must have felt firing me was in the best interest of the Center and you were all trying to do God's work to that end.

May God bless all of you as you continue your work to defend life. I look back on my tenure at the Center and feel very privileged to have worked there. It was an honor for me to speak up and advocate for the little ones and their mothers in so many ways at the Center all those years. And, I am grateful, and filled with great peace and joy, that God has shown me a new way to work for Him, knowing that it is only by His grace that I am able to accomplish anything in my life.

Sincerely, in Christ's love,

Joanne

God answers prayers

2011-08-14T18:25:00.001-05:00

And they turned themselves from there, and they went toward Sodom. Yet in truth, Abraham still stood in the sight of the Lord. And as they drew near, he said: “Will you destroy the just with the impious? If there were fifty of the just in the city, will they perish with the rest? And will you not spare that place for the sake of fifty of the just, if they were in it? Far be it from you to do this thing, and to kill the just with the impious, and for the just to be treated like the impious. No, this is not like you. You judge all the earth; you would never make such a judgment.” And the Lord said to him, “If I find in Sodom fifty of the just in the midst of the city, I will release the entire place because of them.” And Abraham responded by saying: “Since now I have begun, I will speak to my Lord, though I am dust and ashes. What if there were five less than fifty of the just? Would you, despite the forty-five, eliminate the entire city?” And he said, “I will not eliminate it, if I find forty-five there.” And again he said to him, “But if forty were found there, what would you do?” He said, “I will not strike, for the sake of the forty.” “I ask you,” he said, “not to be angry, Lord, if I speak. What if thirty were found there?” He responded, “I will not act, if I find thirty there.” “Since now I have begun,” he said, “I will speak to my Lord. What if twenty were found there?” He said, “I will not put to death, for the sake of the twenty.” “I beg you,” he said, “not to be angry, Lord, if I speak yet once more. What if ten were found there?” And he said, “I will not destroy it for the sake of the ten.” And the Lord departed, after he had ceased speaking to Abraham, who then returned to his place. Genesis 18:22-33

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Have you ever found yourself asking God for what seem like pie in the sky outcomes or bargaining with Him, as Abraham did in the above passage from Genesis? I have and here's my story:

Through the past 7 months, I have felt like Abraham who bargained with God over Sodom and Gomorrah, but in reverse. I started with, "Lord, if You want me to teach piano for a living, I need You to send me 10 students right away." He sent 11 within two weeks. Then, I said, "Thank you, Lord...but I think I need 10 more." Soon, I had 10 more! These came, in part, from a teacher who moved to Denver and referred some of her students to me. Then, having been holding at 33 students for quite a while, I said, "Lord, to really make a go of it, I really think I need at least 50 students by the start of the school year." I had hardly prayed this when I got a call from a woman named Melissa here in the city where I live who was moving to Haiti with her husband to be a missionary and she needed to refer her 40 students to teachers here. One of her students' mothers called, inquiring about my teaching, saying she wished I'd do what Melissa had done and teach at the Catholic school here. She taught piano lessons every school day morning from 7:30 to 9:30. When I asked Melissa how many she had taught this past year there, she told me 17. 17 plus 33 equals God's gracious generosity!

There is one thing that strikes me about this story. Piano teachers generally teach in their homes for years and years and years...until they reach a ripe old age and then they keel over and die, having taught one final lesson. (I may be stretching the truth a tad here but it's pretty close to the truth!) I've never heard of piano teachers relocating to far away places. How is it, then, that I inherited two teachers' students because they were moving out of town? I can only answer one way: this is an awesome manifestation of God's generosity and the unfathomable ways He answers prayers.

I've learned in a big way that God does indeed answer prayers...even the ones that seem to be out of reach to me. All I can say is we certainly are loved by a gracious and generous God!Oh, yes...one last thing. I now have almost 60 students!

"Do not be afraid!"

2011-08-07T18:39:00.007-05:00

Meanwhile the boat, already a few miles offshore, was being tossed about by the waves, for the wind was against it. During the fourth watch of the night, he came toward them walking on the sea. When the disciples saw him walking on the sea they were terrified. “It is a ghost,” they said, and they cried out in fear. At once Jesus spoke to them, “Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.” Peter said to him in reply, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” Peter got out of the boat and began to walk on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw how strong the wind was he became frightened; and, beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus stretched out his hand and caught Peter, and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” After they got into the boat, the wind died down. Those who were in the boat did him homage, saying, “Truly, you are the Son of God.” Matt 14:24-36

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Of all the apostles of Jesus, the one to whom I can relate the best is Peter. It brings me great comfort, knowing that he became a saint, even though he denied Jesus three times during the Passion and, in the above passage, became afraid even with Jesus standing right in front of him. (I realize it was odd, given they were both standing ON water at the time but still--Jesus was right there!) And, remember, too, how, in Matthew 16, Peter told Jesus that surely He wouldn't have to suffer and Jesus' response was, "Get behind me, Satan." He tells Peter that he's thinking as human beings do, not as God does.

St. Peter persevered and Jesus entrusted the keys of the kingdom to him. He became our first Pope. Peter asked for forgiveness and Jesus forgave him and, now, they are in heaven together for all eternity. That should tell us something!

How many times have I denied my dearest Lord? How many times have I become afraid in the middle of my best intentions to have faith? How many times have I gone back to Jesus, begging forgiveness and mercy for just such things?

I realize it is human nature to be afraid. What I've learned over the past months is that we must fight against our fear. We must persevere in faith, knowing that God will take care of our every need. (Sometimes, I wonder if I'm afraid he won't take care of my every want...) Every time we experience a time of distress, it becomes an opportunity to grow in holiness.

"Do not be afraid." That means we need not be afraid under the worst possible circumstances. We need not be afraid of tomorrow or the next day. We need not dwell on any fearful thought. We need not be afraid, period. We can be completely confident that God will grant us the courage we need when we need it. We can have the wherewithal to experience each moment with peace and joy, God's peace and joy. It is a great blessing, knowing that God is right here and that He longs for us to return to Him forevermore. And, with God's grace, we will...we will!

sowing pardon

2011-07-31T21:59:00.006-05:00

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen"

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This prayer of St. Francis of Assisi is such a beautiful prayer! It seems to me that, by praying it, it is a way for us to seek to love selflessly.

The line I have been focusing on this week is "where there is injury, pardon". I was thinking about Pope John Paul II who forgave Mehmet Ali Ağca, the man who tried to assassinate him in 1981. After Ağca was sentenced to life in prison, the pope visited him and befriended him, asking people to pray for his "brother". He said he had forgiven him.

In his book Make Me An Instrument of Your Peace, Kent Nerburn tells the story of a father whose young daughter was dragged off into the woods and shot in the head by a young man who did not know her. After the boy was found guilty of murder, the father went to visit him in jail to get to know him. he said, "That boy and I are forever bound. We need to know each other. I do not know if I can forgive him. But perhaps if I know him I will not hate him. This is about healing and reconciliation." Mr. Newburn makes the point that what St. Frances meant by sowing pardon was to seek healing and reconciliation. And, "where the seed of pardon is planted, the flower of true forgiveness may someday bloom". How beautiful!

It has taken me six months to be able to report to you that I have forgiven the people who fired me. A priest friend has been urging me to seek a lawsuit against them. He thinks I should do it because of the injustice done to me but also so they won't do this to anyone else in the future. He said they must be made responsible for their unjust action against me. I imagine I would have a good case but I really don't think that is what God wants me to do. Being embroiled in a lawsuit would only cause angry, bitter feelings to linger and possibly grow larger and larger the longer it went on. I do not wish to spend my time and energy that way. Besides, our Lord asks us to forgive.

It is my hypothesis that the board thought what they were doing was good for the organization. A lawyer had stirred all kinds of emotions against me, making up things that were not true. For some reason, the board chose to believe the falsehoods leveled against me and they acted out of fear. I think they must have forgotten that I'd brought the matter before them several times when they accused me of never having done so. I'm still not sure why they accused me of going to great lengths to suppress what had been going on. The situation was evident to every person who worked at the center, which included several board members. We had all talked about it and had worked to solve the problem.

I have found an interior, gentle peace about what happened. I have acknowledged the injustice done to me but have moved on. Going forward in my life, I will continue to pray for them. My prayers have aided my healing. One day, I hope to reconcile with these people whom I once considered my friends.

No one is perfect. We all do things that are just plain wrong. We all sin. I know I've hurt people. After having worked through this event in my life, my prayer is that I always love, not hurt, those who are in my life. If someone hurts me, I will work toward healing and reconciliation. My job is to help others, as well as myself, get to heaven. I can only do that with a loving Christ-like, pure heart, not with a bitter, hard one. And, in this, I have discovered there is true freedom and joy to be found--a little bit of heaven here on earth!

looking for the blessings in life

2011-07-24T21:56:00.003-05:00

I hope I don't sound like a broken record here but one of the most profound lessons I've learned in the aftermath of my termination has been that the things that seem like tragedies or horrible events in my life are really opportunities. In today's second reading, we are told by St. Paul in Romans 8:28: "Brothers and sisters: We know that all things work for good for those who love God,who are called according to his purpose." If this is so, we know everything that happens to us has a good purpose if we can view it through eyes of faith. One thing to keep in mind here is that God is only capable of good. God = good. So, whatever He allows to happen, or orchestrates to happen, in our lives works for good.

I didn't always believe this. When my sister Mary died at 41, leaving 8 children, ages 6 through 18, I was very, very angry with God. I remember being in the laundry room, doing laundry, and railing at Him. I shook my fist, I screamed at Him. I didn't see how Mary's death could bring anything good. It took me three solid years to stop being angry at God. During that time, I acted out. I did things that, up to that point, I'd never thought I was capable of doing. In the end, I realized I had come face to face with the darkest reaches of my soul and it eventually brought me to my knees, literally. Sinning, I think I figured, gave me control over at least parts of my life. Of course, it didn't. It only made things worse. However, being the stubborn person I was, I didn't see it that way. I wanted to get back at God for the pain I thought He'd inflicted.

Back then, I didn't trust God. I didn't understand that He is only good, that He is merciful, that He had the future in His hands and, in the end, good would prevail.

What I've come to realize is that I can trust God to know what He's doing in my life. I truly believe that everything that happens in my life is ordered for good. The events in this life are the means in which we can grow in holiness, thus aiding our journey to heaven. When I think about the saints who were martyred for their faith, I know I'm onto something here. They lost their lives in horrific ways and now they are in heaven. This life is temporary, a means to an end. We know that God waits for us to join Him in heaven for all eternity. While we're here, we must take every opportunity He offers us to grow in holiness. In this, we are extremely blessed because He gives us many, many opportunities throughout our lives.

blessed are the poor...

2011-07-16T12:59:00.008-05:00

I attended a play in Minneapolis the other night. On my way home, I decided to stop for gas because I had a 20 cent coupon and a local chain was doubling competitors' coupons that day. The coupon I had would be worth over $4 because I needed at least 10 gallons.

I tried to pump the gas without using my credit card at the pump, thinking I'd have to go in and pay to use the coupon. It didn't work. I went in and asked how I could use the coupon. The clerk told me the reason I couldn't pay after I pumped the gas was because they had a lot of people driving off without paying for their gas and she seemed surprised I wanted to fill up my tank. (I surmised people came in with a few dollars cash and got small amounts of gas.) She said she didn't know how to help me. I told her it was okay, that I'd just go to the one in my neighborhood.

When I got to the station near my home, I realized gas was 9 cents cheaper. I was also, as I always am, able to pump gas and then go into the store and pay for it, using my coupon. Not only did I save $4, I also saved 90 cents. For a moment, I was relieved to be back in my neck of the woods.

Now, one would think I'd be thrilled by this turn of events. However, I started thinking. The first station was in a very poor part of town. The station near me is in the 'burbs. I wondered. Why would poor people have to pay more for their gas than those of us who have much more means? It took me back to working at the pregnancy center, which is in an extremely poor part of town. It always bothered me to see such discrepancies when I'd do clients' budgets with them. For example, generally, they did not own washers and dryers so they'd end up spending lots of money to do laundry. I always thought about how blessed I was to be able to afford a washer and dryer. When I was raising my four kids, I usually did two loads a day. That's twelve to fourteen loads a week. Twelve times $3 is $36 a week, over $140 a month, for my clients. When they only received $420 a month from welfare, that amount was impossible. When I consider the cost of electricity and water for doing my laundry, it cost little more than a fraction of that. Then, there's rent. Some clients were being charged an exorbitant amount for rent. I figured out one day that, for me, with tax deductions, the net price I pay for my mortgage is a fraction of what they pay and I have a whole house with a big yard attached.

Why do the poor have to suffer for being poor in these ways? Why can't they be given a break? I think that's why I stayed so long at the pregnancy center. I always wanted to try to help, even though what I had to offer was only a drop in the bucket of what they really needed. And, I couldn't help everyone.

I think, from now on, I'm going to follow Archbishop Flynn's example and give a little money as I wait at a red light to the person on the corner with his pitiful sign declaring he's homeless. I've always been cynical about people like that but maybe, just maybe, they really DO need our help. And, the next time I'm at a gas station in the inner city, I'll pray for the people who live in that neighborhood as I pump my gas.

Matthew 25:36-40:

"For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me.'Then the righteous will answer him and say, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? When did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? When did we see you ill or in prison, and visit you?' And the king will say to them in reply, 'Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me.'"

things my father gave to me

2011-07-02T11:47:00.004-05:00

Here is a piece I wrote a while ago about things my father gave me. I've been thinking about these gifts lately and about Dad. I just know that he has been interceding for me these past few months...and most likely way before that!

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Life...My father gave me life. Despite the large intervals in years among his kids, there were no unwanted babies in my family. I know without doubt that he loved each of us before we were born, when we were a mere “twinkle in his eye”, as he used to say.

Faith...The most important thing my father (as did my mother) gave me is faith. By my baptism, my dad gave me this wondrous gift. He saw to it that we had a Catholic education and that we always went to Mass every Sunday and every holy day. By his example of attending daily Mass and recitation of the rosary (daily) and his myriad of prayers found in his various prayer books, he taught me about having a prayer life. I know I would not be where I am spiritually without my father’s influence.

How to live the corporal works of mercy...He fed the hungry at the soup kitchen and delivered Meals on Wheels. He sheltered the homeless and visited the imprisoned. There was a young man named Joe who came over from Italy and somehow Mom and Dad took him in to live with them. (I think a priest got them together when Joe first arrived.) Now, Joe was a very shady character by any standard but Dad didn’t care. Over the years, Joe would be in and out of prison for white collar crimes and Dad would ALWAYS go visit him. I think Dad was a constant thorn in Joe’s side because he always gave him what-for. Still, Joe sought Dad out constantly. Their relationship lasted many, many years, and was always the same. When my mother’s mother became ill after Grandpa died, he took her in and she lived with us until she died. Along with his brothers, he supported his own mother all of her life. (Their dad died when Dad was 13. Being the oldest of 5, Dad had to start working. He managed to graduate from Catholic high school, even so.) He supported Grandma financially but he also visited her almost every single day (to my mother’s chagrin sometimes because he tended to be late to dinner then.) Dad’s personal ministry was visiting the sick in the hospitals. He’d collect Louis Lamour books to hand out. (I’d often tell him that Mrs. So and So would NOT want to read a western book but he would just shake his head and hand them out to men and women alike.) He’d take us kids along. The first time I looked at imminent death was when he and I visited a man who was dying of emphysema. He was in an oxygen tent and crying because it hurt so badly. He was in his 40’s. That made a huge impact on me regarding compassion. Dad had a spirit of servitude that never rested. His social circle included very wealthy people in Duluth, as well as very poor. He exhorted his wealthy friends to do this or do that for the poor. Together, they did amazing philanthropic works. I have one memory of Dad taking Mary, Pat, Tom and me on a train every summer with the “underprivileged kids” from Duluth to Moose Lake, where we’d spend the day at the beach, playing games and swimming and then we’d return by dusk. I don’t remember which of his organizations sponsored it but I always looked forward to it. That day, none of us kids were white or black or rich or poor. We were kids, eating Popsicles and having fun. He was a 4th degree Knight of Columbus and was in their honor guard at practically every funeral for which the Knights had an honor guard. He knew how to bury the dead in style! I imagine there are examples of his giving drink to the thirsty and clothing the naked but I don’t have good ones to tell you…I don’t think giving alcohol to his friends at the parties he and Mom would throw count! When he died, I went back to their apartment and looked over his things. I realized that he didn’t have many worldly goods, even though he certainly had had the means to afford a lot of them. Things were never important to him. As I looked over his things, I thought to myself that I was seeing a life well lived, one filled with service to people, not one trapped by belongings.

A sense of tradition...Every December 8th, our whole family would trek out to our cabin and tramp along in the woods, looking for our Christmas tree. Dad would have the youngest child on his back. I remember it being Kathy but I also remember me being on his back. Being that we all had the day off from school (due to it being the Feast of the Immaculate Conception and we were in Catholic schools), Dad would take the day off from work so we could do this. I can still hear him singing, “tramp, tramp, tramp, tramp, tramp, tramp, tramp, tramp…I’m happy when I’m hiking…”, as we waddled along in thigh-deep snow.

A sense of humor...Dad’s sense of humor never slept. He had the funniest stories to tell us around the dinner table. He’d come up with the craziest ways to look at things, all more humorous than the last. There was a lot of laughter in our home. He was extremely intelligent and very creative. Once, he caught a live bat at our cabin and put it in a jar. He thought it would be a great show and tell item for Tom (who was probably in 4th grade at the time) to take to school. Well, one of Tom’s fellow students thought it would be funny to unscrew the top off the jar and let the bat out. It wasn’t long before the principal, Sr. Mary Paul, was calling Dad at work, saying, “John Whalen, your bat is flying all over the auditorium. You come and get your bat this minute!” Sr. Mary Paul, all 4’11 inches of her, was a formidable force and no one, not even 6'3” Dad, would ever consider crossing her!

How to live a courageous life...By his holding me in his arms, as we looked out the big picture window of our kitchen which overlooked Lake Superior (spectacular view, by the way) and softly telling me lightening and thunder were nothing to be afraid of and showing me why, I learned a life lesson: to face my fears. He told me once that he'd joined the Navy to see the world but ended up in Cleveland, Ohio with a desk job. To me, it showed his willingness to be courageous but also accepting of whatever came his way. The good news is he was a newlywed in Cleveland so I have a feeling Cleveland turned out to be quite a wonderful place to him!

How to stand up for the sanctity of life and those less fortunate than I...By his walking around the abortion clinic for years and years (into his infirm, old age), he spoke volumes (silently) to me of his commitment to teach people that we are all God’s children, that all of our lives are important to this world, and our lives must be protected from harm and we must do our part to see that they are.

He gave me a love of music...The piano he bought for $25 and the 75 cent lessons gave my older sisters Mary, Pat and me opportunities we would never have had otherwise. We all worked our way through college, playing for Mass. Mary and I earned degrees in music and went on to earn a living by becoming music directors in parishes; I teach piano; Pat accompanies in a church and has taught organ. I praise God the best at the piano. It’s funny, too, because Dad never played the piano, except for one very amazing piece that he’d learned by heart. He also was known as one who would fall asleep at every musical event his children were in (the only exception was at my senior piano recital in college…I was so proud!). Despite his lacking, he instilled in his children a lifelong love of music.

Dance...Mom and he loved to square dance and ballroom dance. We’d be at home and, all of a sudden, he’d link arms with Mom and off they’d be, doing a jig, right there in the middle of the living room! It was very beautiful. Of course, it’s too bad his one daughter (me!) didn’t inherit his sense of rhythm. However, I do love watching people dance and I’m not adverse to trying a few steps whenever someone (usually one of my sons at weddings) asks me.

How to be a leader...He was a born leader. I learned so much from him about how to treat people with respect and kindness, as he worked to rally people to right injustices. He was also an excellent public speaker. He took me to Toastmasters once and I wanted to be like him as I listened to him. In those days, my shyness got in my way, but I learned to overcome that as I was later called to speak about life issues, things about which I was passionate.

Education...It was extremely important to Dad that his children get college educations. I will always be grateful to him for instilling in me a love of learning that, hopefully, will last until I die. He taught me discipline. He taught me to pick myself up when I failed and figure out another solution to whatever it was I was working on. He gave me a career path that I would realize years later.

In many ways, I am who I am because of my father. He gave me wonderful tools with which to live my life. I have a lovely, blessed life and I know it is in large measure due to what Dad taught me. I will always be grateful to him. I am very blessed to have had him as my dad.

NOTE: My dad, John Whalen, died at the Benedictine Health Care Center in Duluth, MN, on January 26, 1996, one day shy of the 8th anniversary of my sister Mary Lindquist's death.

celebrating the Holy Eucharist

2011-06-26T19:15:00.002-05:00

Here is a piece St. Anthony of Padua wrote, published in the Magnificat on June 13th:

"It is only in adversity that we come to know whether we have made real progress in goodness...Two things the devil fears above all: the fire of charity and the well-trodden path of humility...The poor of Jesus Christ, who are marked with the sign of his poverty as long as they are in this world, consider themselves pilgrims and exiled from the Lord (2 Cor 5:6) and walk roughshod over the passing things of this world. Unless we keep our hearts thus unfettered, how can we come to the Lord?...Nothing apart from God can satisfy the human heart which is truly in search of him. Patience is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit in us. Practically, we are required to be patient in many ways: for there are some things, trials and crosses, which come to us from God; others, temptations and enticements, that come to us from our old adversary the devil; still other difficulties that arise from our neighbor: persecution, complaints, unjust accusations. Against all these we must be ever on our guard lest we give way to complaining against the trials our maker sends us; lest again we be led astray into sin, which is what the devil wants; or to be overly disturbed by the thoughtlessness or unkindness of others. For if we want to have our own way always, aren't we really seeking our reward here below in the things of this life? Let us couple patience and long-suffering in the spirit of meekness and faith (and so bring forth fruit in patience)!”

+ + + + +

Jesus gave us the antidote to adversity in our lives. He said, "I am the living bread that came down from heaven; whoever eats this bread will live forever; and the bread that I will give is my flesh for the life of the world.” (John 6:51) When we eat this living bread, we are given the grace to turn away from sin and the grace to be forgiven of venial sins. It becomes the delight of our souls. This divine food helps us grow closer and closer to God; it urges us on toward the Kingdom, our ultimate destination. It helps us to succeed in this life. It triumphs over death. The Holy Eucharist, which we celebrate in the Church today, is the best gift we will ever receive in our lives. We must never ever squander it but participate fully in the effects it produces in our lives, praising and thanking God all the while for His awesome generosity.

When we experience adversity in our lives, we can embrace and unite ourselves with Christ who suffered the epitome of adversity for us. I believe that, if we ask God to help us live the path to Him, we won't ever need to get our own way. What I've discovered is that God's way is so much more bountiful and joy-filled. I have figured out that I want only God's will for my life. After all, God's will seems to work out so much better for me.

Yesterday, I was given a beautiful gift. It appears I'm going to have the opportunity to teach 17 students (and maybe more) at a Catholic school near my home every morning before the school day begins. Now, this is exciting on many fronts but the one I want to share with you is that, a couple weeks ago, I was praying, asking God to send me a total of 50 students for the fall, if it be His will to do so. (This prayer seemed in keeping with what God has been asking of me, in terms of spending the majority of my time and energy in the pursuit of teaching more piano students.) At that point, I had 33. I was thinking last night that these 17 students are the answer to my prayer (not one less, not one more, but 50!) and it filled me with great peace and joy.

I now understand why Jesus told us not to worry. There's no need to worry when He takes such good care of us. How blessed we are!

friends (in high places!)

2011-06-19T22:10:00.008-05:00

I have had the most remarkable couple of weeks. First of all, my meeting with the bishop began with quite a bang. I got to his office only to realize I'd forgotten my notes on the kitchen counter. I started to panic (quietly) and then realized that this might be an opportunity to be more authentic with him. When I told him what happened, he did a thumbs up and heartily agreed. (Usually, I have copious notes with me, trying very hard to make sure I tell him EVERYTHING I think is important! His reaction here told me a lot about what he really feels about all my notes!) Guess what? I actually ended up telling him things I hadn't intended and I left, thinking he most likely needed to hear them. As usual, he was very kind to me but also firm. As always, he challenged my thinking in a way that I felt very validated. I told him that, in the aftermath of my termination from the pregnancy center (which, by the way, he wanted to hear all about), I felt as though I was wasting time regarding the new community of Sisters. He rolled his eyes and told me to give myself a break. He said I'd just been given a huge distraction and that I had to recover from it. He said he wasn't concerned about anything regarding the community.

He's an awesome listener...and I still sometimes feel as though I should pinch myself in order to really believe that I have a bishop's ear for an hour every 3 months or so. Given how busy he is, that is something that is very precious and such an honor for me.

At the end of our meeting, I invited him to my students' piano recital, scheduled for the next evening. I knew it was a long shot that he'd be free. (He wasn't; he had a meeting at a parish in Minneapolis.) I prefaced my invitation by giving him a program and explaining that I'd heard through the grapevine that he was a piano player. His eyes just twinkled as he looked through the program, asking questions. He told me it brought him back to his youth when he'd be taken downtown Minneapolis to the Schmitt Music Company (where there was a large auditorium) for his recital. He said it was always a huge deal because his teacher wore a ball gown and a corsage and it struck fear in all her students. I told him I didn't do any of that. He sighed and said, "Thank you for not doing that to your students!"

The bishop was especially interested in MY name as composer of one of the pieces on the program. I told him how one of my beginning students had come to me with "lyrics" and wanted me to put it to music. Here are the words:

Nana and I put on our mittens and drove to Tim Horton's; got twenty five Timbits and 2 muffins. Yum! Yum! Yum! Wow!

Note: her grandmother lives in Canada, where Tim Horton's Restaurants are prevalent.

She and I worked on it together, with me adding a simple accompaniment. We decided she would sing it and I would accompany her and at the end we would both say "Wow!" The bishop was very interested in this whole process. I believe he would have gone to the recital had he not had another commitment. Imagine my students' reaction if he had been there...That recital would not have been one they would forget any time soon!

The next day, I had an appointment with my counselor. I wanted to check in with her about my emotional state. I refuse to morph into a bitter, angry person just because I was once fired. The cruelty and injustice of it all have been a bit of a challenge to overcome but, in talking it out with her, I discovered that I've come a long way toward healing the hurt. I truly do see it as a great blessing in my life. Even the suffering has been a gift!

The day after that, on recommendation of the bishop, I called a new priest friend who has been inviting me into conversation with him. The bishop told me that he was probably one of the very best spiritual directors around and it was time to understand that God was giving him to me for such a purpose. I'd been complaining to him how every priest I'd asked so far had turned me down for this role. He said it reminded him of the man on the roof in a flood. A boat came along, a helicopter came along, and still he drowned, waiting for the Lord to save him. He asked God why he hadn't saved him and the Lord said, "I sent a boat, I sent a helicopter. Why didn't you jump aboard one of them?" I told him, in my defense, I thought Father was becoming my friend and it might be a conflict. He said it sounded to him as though I was learning a lot and I needed to let it unfold naturally. See? He shows me the error of my ways and it is very, very good!

Anyway, my priest friend is very busy being the pastor of a large parish. I figured he'd be able to meet with me in 2 or 3 weeks. He said, "What about tomorrow? I have all day after morning Mass." Yikes! I believe that was the Holy Spirit telling me something! Our meeting was yet another opportunity to share with and learn from one another.

My friends are rallying around me, too. I consider them to be friends in high places. They may not have fancy titles but they minister to me in so many consoling ways. Dinner and a movie with a very close friend...lunch with another...Two days of music teacher meetings (paid for by my sweet friend!)...dinners baked by another generous friend...a very beautiful card out of the blue in the mail...Then, tonight, I called a priest friend who is moving to a parish after 13 years of being the pastor at another parish. I wanted to find out how he was doing. As we talked, he asked me if I'd eaten dinner. I told him I hadn't and he asked, "Do you want to now?" So, we both jumped into our cars and met at a local Italian restaurant. What I enjoyed about it was being in the moment and reacting to that moment. God was present with us! Father was also the one who took me out to dinner the night I was fired. I will never, ever forget his kindness to me that night.

Since this is already a long, long tome, I won't make it longer by telling you about all my saints and angel friends. They have been surrounding me in prayer support through it all. St. Therese the Little Flower, St. Anthony, Mary, our Mother, St. Peter, St. Monica, St. Michael, little Matteo...these are only a few of my close friends in heaven. I know that they are a blessing to all of us. They advocate for us in ways about which we have no idea. I just wonder how they can listen to all my bellyaching and still have time for everyone else. It's an awesome mystery, isn't it?

And, then, there's God, the most glorious Friend of all. He is with us always in awesome, beautiful ways. Talk about a Friend in a high place!

Pentecost

2011-06-12T19:20:00.001-05:00

The psalm refrain today is: "Lord, send out your spirit and renew the face of the earth." The readings (Acts 2:1-11; Psalm 104; I Corinthians 12: 3b-7, 12-13; John 20:19-23) are filled with references to the Holy Spirit. (Since it's Pentecost, it makes sense!) I have been pondering these. What do they all mean for my life?

I know one thing. I must be open to and make myself present to hearing the working of the Holy Spirit in my life. St. Paul, in the I Corinthian passage, tells us that there are different kinds of spiritual gifts, different forms of service. We are many parts but all one Body of Christ. The question is am I able to discern what MY gifts are? Am I willing to use those gifts for serving God and others?

I like the idea that we are many parts but one Body. I used to joke that I hoped I wasn't an appendix, superfluous and easily done without. I wish now I hadn't. We are ALL important parts and I should never have denigrated what beauty God wrought in all of us, even me.

I have tremendous joy in what God is calling me to do these days. Teaching piano...AND voice (I have 2 voice students now, with perhaps 2 more on the horizon!) is a way for me to give to others a means to praise God through music. It was interesting what happened when I taught my first voice student last week for the very first time. Nearing the end of the lesson while I was presenting different songs for her to study, she told me what she really liked to do is sing hymns. I was amazed. It felt as though God was speaking right through her, reminding me that my real mission was to entice students to praise Him. All of a sudden, I had an outline for my voice students' lessons: vocalization exercises, sight signing, folksong, fun song of student's choice, hymn. (I've decided to work on hymns that are appropriate to the liturgical season at the time.) I found it astonishing because I hadn't been able to settle on what my voice lessons were going to exactly look like until then. And, with the generosity of my friend Jacquie, who recently gave me a little recording device, my students will have access to my accompaniments and the melody lines from which to practice.

We are many parts but all one Body. I once was overwhelmed, thinking of all the possibilities of things I could do in the world. I think I must have forgotten to look to the Holy Spirit for direction. I need not have been overwhelmed. All I really needed to do was listen. I have finally figured out that God speaks loudly (well, maybe not so loudly) and clearly when I just listen to Him!

God is everywhere!

2011-06-05T19:45:00.003-05:00

We are very blessed here in Minnesota with the remarkable changes in seasons. In the spring, the green, green leaves and trees, the melting of the ice on the lakes giving way to crystal clear blue water, the sudden popping up of daffodils and tulips almost before all the snow has melted, all lift our spirits with signs of new life after the seemingly endless cold, dark winter months. In summer, the smell of freshly mowed grass, the birds singing their lovely songs, the thunder storms all point to a microcosm of us living our lives...work, rest, turbulent times, songs of praise. The fall brings its own special blessings. The vibrancy of the colors of the leaves, their brilliant reds, oranges and yellows, easily can take my breath away at the beauty of it all. Winter is the most awesome! There are mornings in winter when we can look up to see a veritable winter wonderland scene. There are two kinds: one, when it's warm enough that the snowflakes are wet with moisture, clinging to the trees and the other when it's colder and the snow freezes into ice, forming an incredible layer of frozen crystals on the trees that shimmer so brilliantly you wonder if it's real. These always, without fail, take my breath away and I exclaim to myself, "THIS is why I live here!" Those days are truly gifts!

How can someone experience the wonders of nature and not think that God exists? I have a friend who now declares himself an atheist. He grew up in a big Irish Catholic family, went to Catholic schools but, in the ensuing years since then, he decided the Faith he'd been taught was not for him. When he told me this and that he didn't believe in "fairy tales", I cried for weeks. Oh, how I wished he could know God as I know him, or at least in his own way! I pray for him, that he will have a change of heart and that he will seek God. After all, Jesus promised, "Seek and ye shall find".

There is so much beauty in the world, it's unfathomable to me that not everyone can believe it all comes from God. Not only is there nature's beauty but every single person is a gift from God. I wouldn't know how to explain it other than with a God standard.

Yes, I know there are natural, devastating disasters that occur, which can make us wonder. Certainly a God who is only good wouldn't allow those, would He? Well, I know that God allows them for a good purpose. From my limited perspective, what I've seen is how people come together in times of crises with offers to help victims. (Yesterday, thousands of people, strangers mostly, descended upon North Minneapolis, where a tornado had hit a couple weeks ago, to work clearing debris and rebuilding.) These become opportunities for us to figure out what is truly important in life. They are opportunities to grow closer to God. And, out of them, we can be changed for the better. Our hearts can be softened and formed in the likeness of God. They are times for us to experience God's presence more fully in our lives.

I don't think I fully realize what a gift faith is. It's always been a part of me. I've never needed to question it. There have been times I didn't do so well with it but there was never a time I thought there was no God. I hold a baby and I know there is. I look up to the sky and see the stars so radiant in their brilliance and I know. I drive through a forest of trees, shimmering with hoarfrost on a cold winter morning, and I know. My grandson writes little, "I love you, Nana" notes and I know. I experience the Consecration during Mass and I know. There is no other explanation for all the beauty around me. God is here!

a Holy Spirit conduit

2011-05-29T21:29:00.001-05:00

Here is the responsorial psalm from today's Mass.

R. Let all the earth cry out to God with joy.

Shout joyfully to God, all the earth,
sing praise to the glory of his name;
proclaim his glorious praise.
Say to God, “How tremendous are your deeds!”
R. Let all the earth cry out to God with joy.

“Let all on earth worship and sing praise to you,
sing praise to your name!”
Come and see the works of God,
his tremendous deeds among the children of Adam.
R. Let all the earth cry out to God with joy.

He has changed the sea into dry land;
through the river they passed on foot;
therefore let us rejoice in him.
He rules by his might forever.
R. Let all the earth cry out to God with joy.

Hear now, all you who fear God, while I declare
what he has done for me.
Blessed be God who refused me not
my prayer or his kindness!
R. Let all the earth cry out to God with joy.

+ + + + +

This seems like a psalm written just for me. Do you feel that way about the psalms sometimes? This particular one echoes what is always in my heart. My heart cries out to God with joy every minute. After all, it is an awesome God that I have! Can you imagine how beautiful the world would be if all the earth cried out to God with joy? And, we did it with great relish and loud proclamation?

An interesting phenomenon continues to happen over and over in my life. Something pops into my head upon which it seems I must act and, when I do, beautiful things come of it. I am convinced the Holy Spirit puts these things into my head as a way for me to be a conduit for others' happiness. Let me give some examples.

Sometimes, when I'd be in a counseling session with a client at the pregnancy center, I'd hear myself saying something that was exactly the thing to say that changed the client's mind about having an abortion. I'd be saying the words and wonder from where they were coming. Other counselors told me the same thing would happen to them, more than just an isolated incident or two. Later, the clients would bring their babies in for us to see and express their great joy at having had their children rather than aborting them.

One time, a friend asked me to be with her for a court hearing regarding custody of her son. Her husband and she were separated and she had gotten a temporary restraining order against him. As her lawyer explained, she had a choice to ask for the restraining order to continue (with supervised visitation) or she could drop it. I found myself telling her that she knew he wouldn't harm their son and the restraining order should be dropped. Now, I did not know her husband except through the things she'd told me about him. I was astounded by my "audacity" to say such a bold thing with so little to go on to make such a statement. I heard myself saying the words and wondering why I was saying them. As a result, she chose to drop the restraining order. The lawyer told us after the hearing was over that her husband visibly relaxed when he heard it would be dropped. My friend has told me over and over since then that moment was the beginning of them reconciling and working to repair their marriage. Three years later, it's stronger than it's ever been. She credits me. I say it wasn't me at all. It was the Holy Spirit working through me.

This past Friday, I was thinking about a very close friend of mine. In our last conversation a couple days earlier, she'd told me she was concerned about something regarding her work. Into my head came the thought that I MUST call her and tell her not to be afraid. I thought it was odd but I decided it couldn't hurt to say this to her. So, I called her and said, "I'm supposed to tell you 'Be not afraid'." When she responded, I could tell from her voice that something was not right. I kidded her, asking if she was still sleeping. (It was going toward noon!) She answered, no, she was working in her garden and crying. She said her beloved son was going to be going to Iraq on Saturday morning and she was beside herself with grief and worry. Little did I know! (He was originally supposed to have gone the week before. The fact that she didn't mention that he had gone should have been a clue to me but I thought that maybe she didn't want to talk about it.) She and I marveled at the message I'd been called to impart upon her. She told me how much she appreciated my call, that it had calmed her down. Clearly, THAT was the Holy Spirit!

I believe God was talking to me regarding expanding piano lessons the week I was fired, too. This week, I received a call from a piano teacher who lives nearby. She's going to Haiti in August to be a missionary and has 43 students who will need a teacher! I consider her call a blessing from God and affirmation that I DID hear Him correctly back then.

God is very intimately involved in my life these days. I'm beginning to see how vital it is to listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit within myself. I continue to pray for an open heart so that I will always hear what He has to say and do what needs to be done for others' welfare. It's very beautiful how all of us--God, me and everyone who comes into my life--are connected. We can be go-betweens for one another and God. I love that idea!

+ + + + +

For the sake of clarity, please note that I do not believe, in these situations, I was God's little automaton, a being without the ability to freely act. I believe the Holy Spirit inspired my thoughts and words. I chose freely to say and do what I did. In the case of my counseling, I always asked God to be with me, to give me the words to say that would make a difference in my clients' lives. There is a great beauty and practicality when one is involved in an intimate relationship with God.

a tad discombobulated

2011-05-22T15:42:00.000-05:00

Jesus said, "Do not let your hearts be troubled." In today's Gospel according to St. John, he tells us to have faith in Him, that He is going to prepare a place for us in His Father's house. He tells us He is the way, the truth and the life.

These are very comforting words for me right now. This past week, my heart has indeed been troubled. I have been in the throes of grieving...being sad, being mad, feeling displaced. None of this seems productive and, if I spend too much time in these feelings, I start to feel desolate. Out of that comes a temptation to fall into despair. It's a downward spiral with no good outcome. Why should I feel alone when God is always with me? It's just such a human trait to feel this way after a traumatic event, isn't it?

I would like to challenge myself to something different. I must fix all my attention on God's goodness and all the blessings He bestows. I also want to acknowledge, once and for all, that the things that happen in my life, especially the challenging, difficult things, are really gifts. They are my tickets to get closer to God. He allows things to happen to me for good reason. I may not always understand while they're happening but I certainly can trust that good will come from them. Romans 8:28 declares, "We know that all things work for good for those who love God...". If this is true, and I have no reason to believe it isn't, then all I need is patience. In His own time, God will show me what He had in mind in the first place. I must trust Him. I must patiently trust Him with my very life, my entire life.

It seems like the easy times have not been nearly the opportunities in which to grow in faith as the traumatic times. This is why I thank God for the traumatic times. It is true that suffering can help me be closer to God.

Okay...no more pity parties for one here! God is watching over me and my heart need not be troubled.

Peace be with you, dear one!

yesterday's reading

2011-05-16T06:37:00.003-05:00

1 Peter 2:20b-25

Beloved:
If you are patient when you suffer for doing what is good,
this is a grace before God.
For to this you have been called,
because Christ also suffered for you,
leaving you an example that you should follow in his footsteps.
He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.

When he was insulted, he returned no insult;
when he suffered, he did not threaten;
instead, he handed himself over to the one who judges justly.
He himself bore our sins in his body upon the cross,
so that, free from sin, we might live for righteousness.
By his wounds you have been healed.
For you had gone astray like sheep,
but you have now returned to the shepherd and guardian of your souls.

+ + + + +

All the readings at Mass were thought-provoking yesterday but I have been contemplating this one most. Jesus committed not one sin because, being God, He was not capable of such a thing. He suffered unspeakable torture at the hands of others, yet He willingly bore it all because He knew He had to do it for all of us. I can't imagine what He suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane. He knew what lie ahead for Him. I think He gave us the ultimate example of saying "yes" to doing God's will in those moments.

Why is it so hard for us to say yes to God? Why do we always seem to want what WE want, not what God wants? Can't we figure out, once and for all, that what God wants is the very best for us and we should go with it? Sometimes, I wonder if we allow circumstances to get in the way of doing our best for God. Something painful happens, we get thrown for a loop, and there we are, off doing our own thing instead of seeking God in the situation. If we could only figure out that God is our solace, our peace, our deliverance from evil, our light, we'd be so much better off. OR everything is going along very well and we figure it's all because of what we're doing. We don't think much about God's place in our lives. What importance do we give God in our lives? Shouldn't we be praising Him ALL the time about everything that happens to us?

Let us pray for one another to do better for God. Let us praise Him with all our might, with every breath we take. Let us allow Him to be the fire within our hearts.

celebrating motherhood

2011-05-08T20:20:00.005-05:00

Today, Mother's Day, is a day to reflect on one of the most beautiful gifts of my life: motherhood. Let me introduce you to my children and what they have meant to me.

Brendan, my firstborn, was a scrapper right from the beginning, all 7 pounds 6 ounces of himself! He was the king of temper tantrums but, in the end, always, eventually, obeyed. As he outgrew the colossal tantrums, he found other outlets for frustration. He'd break pencils, for one. I'd find them all over the house. At least it was a quiet outlet! Then, he took up the trumpet and became quite proficient at it, playing in his school's jazz band. He's always been one who wants to figure things out for himself. He always had a purpose. I'll never forget, driving along when he was in 7th or 8th grade, he told me that, if he could work with computers the rest of his life, he would live a happy life. When it was time to go to college, he researched extensively and discovered that one of the best computer engineering programs was right in his back yard: the University of MN. So, off he went...and then figured out how to become a teaching assistant for grad school (tuition/living stipend paid!) to get his masters in electrical engineering. Guess what? He's now working with computers! He's even got a patent for one of his electrical engineering inventions. (Don't ask me what he does. My eyes glaze over whenever he tries to tell me. It's all Greek to me!) Along the way, he discovered the wonder of women. As he tells it, there was one Catholic woman majoring in electrical engineering and he was lucky enough to find her! Wendy and he have been married for 7 years and are the parents of my precious grandchildren. He has grown to be a thoughtful, kind man who takes his responsibilities very seriously.

Brian was a quiet, content baby at first. He weighed in at 10 pounds 2 ounces. As he grew, I discovered he hated to be put down. So, he'd accompany me everywhere, hanging from my hip! When he was 3, he was diagnosed with tactile defensiveness, which explained his earlier reluctance to explore his world on his hands and knees. Because of the diagnosis, that summer we explored many parks all over the Twin Cities, put bubbles in the kiddie pool and the Squeezy Monster came to our house. (I was told he needed all different kinds of tactile experiences, most especially being touched with firmness.) Soon, he was romping with the best of them. He was very shy, never wanting to leave the comfort of home. Each move (from Minneapolis to Kansas City to Elkhorn, WI to St. Paul) forced him out of his shell and was a challenge for him. He persevered through them all. In his early adult years, he decided to see the world. Apparently, he felt I'd sheltered him too much when he announced that he was going to England on a tour with: "And you aren't going to stop me, Mom." I assured him I had no intention of doing such a thing and I, in fact, loved the idea (even though I was quaking in my boots at the very thought of it!). This proclamation became his personal declaration of independence. Next, he traveled to Ireland with a tour. Then, he visited Denmark and his cousin who was stationed there for a year. During THAT trip, he researched online and figured out how to go to Germany and found a hotel and off he went. After that, he went on his own for two weeks to Ireland, neglecting one little detail when he informed his mother of it: he was going to WALK everywhere. When he got back and told me what he'd done, I expressed my appreciation of NOT knowing ahead of time because I may not have slept while he was gone. He replied that the people in Ireland were the friendliest, most hospitable people he's ever seen. He said all one has to do is open a map and 10 people come, asking if they can help. He said he only got lost once...walking out of the airport, it took him 8 hours to find his hotel, instead of the 3 he'd planned. He's been to Egypt with his father (whose lifelong dream it had been to go there). Yes, he has developed a wanderlust spirit and the courage to venture forth. When I lost my job, he gave me more money for rent than required because he wanted to help me out. (He lives in my basement and helps with outside chores.) It warmed my heart. He has grown to be a kind, interesting person.

Evan was "Mr. Sunshine" from the moment he was born. He rarely cried. I don't think he ever threw a tantrum. He was always happy. One funny story I have is when he was 2 and a half. He was supposed to be napping but had decided instead to get his dad's big, thick black magic marker and decorate himself, his sheets, his rug and his wall. When I went to check on him, he was more black than white. I put him in the tub, starting to scrub him. I stopped because I realized, being as irritated as I was, I might scrub too hard. I made him soak. How I wish now that I'd taken a picture AND that I'd laughed instead of being mad at him! Everything comes easy for Evan. His grades, his work, his life...We used to say he was born under a lucky star. Oh, yes...he weighed 8 pounds 15 ounces. He calls me "Mama" in that sweet way he has. He, too, is an electrical engineer and has a patent in his work. He recently bought a home to call his own. He is quite content in his life. I knew he would be...and I know he will continue to be. That's Evan, a gentle sweet young man!

When Meghan was born, I didn't believe she was a girl. I said, "I don't believe it; let me see!" After having three boys, was I really going to believe it without seeing with my very own eyes??? She weighed in at 10 pounds 6 ounces and developed jaundice within a few days. We were allowed to keep her at home with a portable lights unit. She hated it when we had to put the mask over her eyes. Otherwise, she grew up healthy and was a fairly easy-going baby, too. As the only daughter AND the youngest, she was destined to be a pampered little princess. The only thing was she did NOT want to be pampered. She rough-housed with the boys, playing all their games, hating dolls (MUCH to her mother's chagrin!). And, with four children 5 and half years old and under, I didn't have a lot of time to pamper anyone. She grew up very independent. However, she and I still have our traditions, just the two of us. She has a compassionate heart and an open to life spirit.

I have loved being a mother. When my children were born and we were finally alone, just the two of us, I would tell them all the things I hoped I could give them as their mother. I always sang lullabies to them, too. From the very beginning, they were their own unique persons. It was so much fun, watching them grow to be who they are today. I most especially appreciate that, now as adults, they have become my friends. Essentially, my hands on mothering days are over. We have moved on to helping one another through friendship and mutual love of one another.

Today, I have been thinking also about little Joseph's mother and Terri Schiavo's mother. Little Joseph is alive and being loved in his own home with his family around him. Had it not been for the intervention of many people (prayers included), he would have died in a cold hospital a couple months ago. (See March 1st blog entry.) I love that his mother has him with her today and will have him until the time comes for him to die naturally. God is in charge now! And, the sadness I continue to feel for Mary Schindler can be overpowering at times. Her daughter was wrenched from her arms (literally and figuratively) and forced to starve to death. The only consolation is in the confidence that she is in heaven, free from all pain and suffering. Terri may have been taken from her far too early but she is still her mother. I know from the experience of watching my mother after my sister died, the pain will last a lifetime but the hope that they will be together one day in heaven will also remain. Becoming a mother is all about hope; hope for our children, hope that we will grow in love as we set about raising them and hope for all of us to be in heaven one day.

May God bless all mothers!

experiencing the Trinity

2011-05-02T21:53:00.002-05:00

This is an addendum of sorts to yesterday's entry...

One thing of which I have been keenly aware lately is how the Holy Trinity has been ever present to me in my current situation. It's been a very powerful awareness for me because it brings with it an intense gratitude deep in my being. God is opening my eyes to see with new sight. Previously, I was not nearly as aware of the magnitude of God's power in my life. Remember, God is only good; He only does good, so this power is a force that breathes life deep down into my soul and has only positive reverberations there.

I believe God the Father allowed the termination to happen so that much good could come out of it, certainly for me and my quest for sainthood and most likely for many others who were involved and those who know my story and who care about me. Good has resulted in many, many ways. I know that He didn't orchestrate it but He continues to use the event and its aftermath as an opportunity for me to have a closer and closer relationship with Him.

From the beginning, I sought to align my suffering with Jesus' passion. I have spent hours contemplating His suffering, sobbing over how I, myself, caused it and recognizing that my own suffering is nothing compared to His, even though it has been painful. Knowing He understood my pain brought solace to me. Being able to offer my small sufferings as a gift to Him brought great joy to me. From now on, whenever anything that seems bad happens to me, all I will have to do is remember what my dear Lord suffered for me and pledge to find the good in the situation before me because, with God, there's always good to be found!

It's been the Holy Spirit who has been working on me the most, or so it would seem. Peace, joy and love have been much in evidence throughout this time. It would appear that the Holy Spirit has been offering me the gifts of wisdom, fortitude, understanding, piety, counsel, knowledge and fear of the Lord. I'm not the best at receiving these gifts yet but I know, without doubt, that I am being given opportunity to receive them. It is a great honor, to say the least, to experience the Holy Spirit working in my life.

I once thought that, whenever I considered the Trinity, I was closest to the Holy Spirit. This time in my life has been a time of growing closer to all three. It's a little sobering to think that they've all been waiting for me to become this aware of their presence in my life. After all, they've been here all the time.

What a blessing!

a little bit of heaven

2011-05-01T13:11:00.001-05:00

This morning, I was thinking about the huge blessing I received when my employment at the pregnancy center was terminated in January. It was something I hadn't really considered in quite this way previously.

Since being fired, I have experienced in a small, worldly way, death and resurrection. I wonder if it is an imperfect foreshadowing of what lies ahead in my "for real" death and eternal life. At any rate, it seems to be a taste of death and renewed life.

Things stopped for me at the pregnancy center the day I walked out the door for the last time. It was a death for me. It was also a springboard into a new beginning, a new life, going toward something completely different and beautiful. I imagine it will be that way in death. My earthly life will stop as I know it but I will be going toward something exquisitely beautiful, at least that is my hope.

When I had to say goodbye to my old life, opportunities came along to say hello to something new. I have met lovely people in my new life, just as I will in heaven, assuming I get there one day. Heaven's communion of saints and angels will all be there. I have found peace, joy and love in ways I'd never experienced before this. Imagine the peace, joy and love to be had in heaven! I have been given opportunities to share the musical talents God gave me in a more profound way and to teach others to praise Him through music. I have a very strong feeling there is a LOT of music in heaven. And, if there is and if I am there one day, you can be sure I'll be participating! To praise God continuously through music IS heaven, or so it seems to me.

Isn't it awesome how God continues to show us the way to Him?

Easter thoughts

2011-04-24T21:12:00.005-05:00

Happy Easter, dear reader! This has been one glorious day weather-wise here in Minnesota. Spring has come, seeming to remind us that our Lord has risen. Alleluia, alleluia!

Psalm 118:1, 24: "Give thanks to the Lord, who is good, whose love endures forever...This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice in it and be glad." What better words to hear on, this, the most holy day of the liturgical year!

I was given an insight today. I went to see the movie "Of Gods and Men". The true story is about Trappist monks living in Algeria in the 1990's when unrest took place and civil war broke out. Throughout the movie, they were debating whether or not to stay or go back to France, from where they'd originally come. Ultimately, they faced their fears, their doubts, their misgivings and decided to stay. Eventually, they were kidnapped and murdered.

While watching the movie, I found myself relating to the monks. I realized that all the experiences of my life have led me to a profound understanding that my life, like the monks', is not my own. I don't mean this in an out-of-control victim kind of way. I am talking about my profession of faith prayer that I say each morning to do God's will that day. I long to do God's will. And, like the monks, I realize that a declaration of my Christian faith could lead to bad things for me (as well as good things, too!) in this world. Standing up for my faith, resisting temptation to sin in order to save something in this world that I hold dear, acting in ways to help others get closer to heaven have all cost me dearly...these are what it means to lose one's life--working God's plan, not mine, for my life. Matthew 10:39: "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." I never understood that passage until now.

My heart's desire is to do what God wants of me. I know that doing what He asks of me will help me get closer to sainthood and it will also lead others to sainthood. I must "lose" my temporal life in order to find my eternal life. No matter what happens, God is with me. The trials and sufferings are blessings because they are opportunities to grow closer to God and to His kingdom.

The other day, a dear friend chastised me for something she thought I'd done. While what I did was not a sin (which we both figured out later), what I did do was tempt others to sin. I didn't realize until my friend spoke up that that was what I'd really done. I'd tempted people to sin by speaking about my feelings about someone who had hurt me, which led people who care about me to defend me by insulting the other person. And, my part in this was a sin. Well, to clarify, it wasn't a sin when I did it because I was oblivious to it being a sin but, now that I know it's a sin, it will be a sin from now on if I do it again.

I think I've been doing this sort of thing a lot. Now that I'm aware of it, I can do something different. I was horrified that my words could lead others to sin. I'd never really considered that before. I was so glad my friend pointed this out to me! That is true love and works of mercy: admonishing the sinner and instructing the ignorant. I am very blessed to have her loving friendship. She is helping me with my quest for sainthood.

So, I look back on this year's Lent, Triduum, Easter Sunday as a time of grace. I emerge from these days with renewed conviction to do as our Lord asks, to love Him more every day. God has certainly been nudging me in beautiful, holy ways! His love endures forever. Let us rejoice and be glad!

a gift and a sorrow

2011-04-16T21:53:00.005-05:00

I received a beautiful gift this week. I met with my successor at the pregnancy center. Our time together was filled with God's presence. She was so gracious and kind! One thing she said to me was, in her new position as executive director, she wanted to beg my forgiveness for the terrible injustice (being fired) that had been done to me. She started to cry as she said it. I told her she didn't have to do that as she hadn't been involved with any of it but she insisted. I was so touched! After our meeting, I had no doubt that she was the perfect person for the job. She has vast experience and she has a heart for the ministry.

She asked if we could co-author a newsletter article on my departure and her arrival. She asked that I pray about it. I told her I didn't need to pray about it because I thought writing the article together was an inspired idea. It would help me to say goodbye (and I knew I could now do it without animosity) but, more importantly, it would help donors understand what had happened. If we didn't write it, they'd be wondering who she was and where I went. It could help stem any gossip or conjecture still out there in the community about my departure.

When she asked the board president if we could do this, he denied permission without even reading what we'd written. (I hadn't sent her my part yet.) What was that about? Was he trying to silence me? What did he fear would happen? Didn't he know that he'd have editorial control over anything I wrote? I believe the article would have helped the center by answering donors' questions about the situation. I was willing to help in this way and I was saddened by his reaction.

I want to share with you what we wrote. I think it turned out nicely! Of course, that may be because nice things were said about me. Ha!

I have taken out her name and the center's name to protect identities.

+ + + + +

The very first time I met Joanne I fell in love with her heart. I had come to the center to gather the final details necessary to add them to the Infoline Services my center was able to provide through our Positive Alternatives Grant. In my position there as Director of Client Services and Outreach, I worked with other centers to provide after-hour and weekend phone coverage.

Joanne’s passion for providing a safe place for women struggling with unplanned pregnancies was apparent within the first few minutes we spent together. Her joy and warmth made me instantly feel welcome, much as I’m sure it did for every woman who walked through the doors of the center. Her gentle mother’s heart and love for the Lord created an instant bond between us. Little did I know that two years later I would be privileged and challenged to follow in her giant footsteps.
Name Withheld

The very first time I met "N" I felt an instant kinship with her. I knew right away we were sisters through our faith and in the fight for little lives. Her gentle and compassionate spirit will go a long way in her new position. I know, with her many gifts and talents, she will be a great asset to the center!

I was blessed to have been the executive director of the center for 13 years. It was an opportunity to help women understand how precious their children truly are. To be at the helm of the center as the parenting education and ultrasound programs began and then flourished and more and more clients came for help was a special privilege for me. These days, God is calling me to a different ministry, one in which I can praise Him and encourage others to praise Him in a more profound way through music. While I go forward, I look back with great fondness for the clients, the donors, volunteers and staff members who helped me become closer to God by sharing their lives with me.
Joanne

As we move forward into this new season we build on the beautiful foundations of faith and love Joanne has left for us. A foundation firmly set on the sanctity of human life and the mandate to stand in the gap for every unborn child. To love both mother and child. To share the truth in love and reach out with loving arms that invite her to choose life.

+ + + + +

What a blessing it was to read her words! I feel very privileged to know her. It will be fun to see her in action.

an assessment

2011-04-10T15:14:00.002-05:00

This past week I went on a three day retreat (not nearly enough time, by the way). I had two goals going into it: to take an inventory of all the blessings and lessons I've had in the past two and a half months and to write a letter to the board of directors who fired me. I knew that the list would be long and beautiful. I also knew that I probably wouldn't send the letter.

In the course of writing the letter, I discovered that I still have some hurts that have yet to be healed. I also discovered that, while I really wanted to forgive, I was having a difficult time actually doing it. I have more work to do in this area of my life. One day, I hope to be able to honestly forgive them and to ask their forgiveness of me. I don't think it's the time yet.

As for the inventory, I wrote and wrote and wrote, not stopping until I'd reached 24 points and I don't think I'm done yet. It was a lovely exercise for me because it was easy to see how the Holy Spirit has been at my side the entire time, watching over me with great care.

Here's my list of blessings and lessons, thus far:

1. God is always here, protecting, guiding, loving, blessing me.

2. "Be not afraid." (Also Matt 17:14-21--faith can move mountains) It's fruitless to worry about anything. God always sees to it that we have what we need. Matt 6: "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil."

3. Matt 5:10 "Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." When I didn't sign the document that accused me of something I hadn't done, stating that I agreed I had done it, I was fired. That was persecution for the sake of righteousness (the truth). As I thought about this, I felt so very close to our Lord who was persecuted for the sake of righteousness in a much, much bigger way than I. It gave me comfort to hope that, one day, I'll be in heaven with Him.

4. Luke 6:27 "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." Amen...and I am trying to do these things.

5. The idea of being light to the world. This time in my life can be a teaching moment to people around me. First, though, it must be a learning period for me!

6. This appears to be a call to a new ministry--or at least an expansion of ministry: teaching children how to praise God through music in a more deliberate way.

7. Opportunity: which way to respond...with anger or resentment or look for the blessings in the situation?

8. Time of transformation, God's invitation to be renewed, to be more than I am, to love Him, others and myself more fully.

9. Willingness to be open to receiving the grace to have the ability to forgive.

10. "Never waste a good crisis." Words from Fr. Jim at the retreat. Crises are wondrous opportunities to love God, to grow closer to Him, to trust Him, to look for the joy, to experience God's peace in a more profound way than when things are going along swimmingly. Never waste a good crisis by crumpling under its weight.

11. There is much strength to be found in the sacraments. The Holy Eucharist is the most precious gift anyone can receive in this life. How could I ever take this gift for granted or become blase' about it?

12. Some events in life call for courage!

13. Many lessons in patience.

14. Judging from all the phone calls, letters, cards, emails, visits, food (!), prayers, I know that many people care about me. I also know the saints and angels are interceding for me.

15. Never underestimate the power of God!

16. Love with all your might, especially during times of what look like trials. (They really aren't; they're opportunities to grow in faith.) Loving others helps avoid self-focus.

17. I have met more awesome, holy people as a result of this event in my life.

18. I more deeply appreciate God's mercy, God's love, God's presence in my life, others' care for me and the definition of ministry (to make a difference in someone's life). I can minister anywhere I am and I can echo all of these out in the world.

19. Humility and pride are now easier to define in my life. This does not mean they are easier to take on or discard accordingly, but I do have more insight and more willingness to look at them internally.

20. I am more fully alive through my senses, through quiet times, through my prayer life. Praising God is the single most important thing I can do.

21. I have experienced the goodness and generosity of others in beautiful ways.

22. Lesson learned: give more generously during times of uncertainty.

23. God gives us the courage we need to traverse through dark days and He never leaves us during those times.

24. One's job isn't everything. I have learned not to define myself by such temporal ways as jobs I do or things I have. I can define myself by one simple fact: I am a child of God. I'm a human being, not a human doing!

To be continued...

more goodbyes

2011-04-03T19:40:00.003-05:00

2011 is proving to be a year of many endings and goodbyes for me. I was told this past week that the Sisters would be moving the end of April. For many years, they have lived in a very, very beautiful place which their order owns but can no longer afford to maintain. So, the time has come for them to make changes. The first step is to relocate. They found a lovely senior development several miles outside of St. Paul. The next step will be to find a buyer for the property, no small task, given today's economic situation. None of this came as a surprise to me. They had announced last fall that they would be doing this. I'd been praying that a Catholic organization would buy it to use as a retreat center or to develop it into senior living--independent, assisted, nursing care. Either of these might have allowed the Sisters to stay in their home. However, this was not to be...

I will miss the Sisters very much. I've been playing and leading the singing for their morning Mass twice a week and a couple of times a month on Sundays for over 6 years. It is there that I received the call to begin a new religious community. It is there where I felt supported and loved by all. It is there where many prayers were said for me for many different reasons over the years and many prayers were answered as a result.

I love them all so much! I was thinking the other day that love can be painful. However, I still hold onto the old adage that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. In this case, I have grown spiritually in many ways, having known the Sisters. After thinking about the pain of goodbyes, I decided to view it from a different angle. It was something my sister Mary taught me. (Maybe I've already shared this with you...I hope not!) Once she had been at a meeting at a very expensive home on a lake and, afterward, I asked her if she was jealous of the people who lived there. The way she described it had sounded so lovely! She looked horrified and said, oh, no. She had been thrilled to have been there for a time so she could bask in the beauty of it all. That's how I see this situation. I am so thrilled to have been among the Sisters for these years, to experience the beauty of their Community and to be with them as we prayed together. What a blessing it has been for me! What I've had with and from them is far more than the pain of saying goodbye to them. And, one good thing is they aren't so far away that I won't be able to go visit them once in a while. It just won't be the same.

Isn't it interesting how things rarely stay the same in life? It can be a challenge to keep up at times but mostly there is great beauty in change, if we but look for it. And, along with the beauty, there are always blessings. Our Lord certainly doesn't allow changes in our lives and then leave us to fend for ourselves over them. I thoroughly enjoy how He brings blessings into my life, especially during times that are challenging for me. To me, it's proof positive that He is here, ever present. It always makes me appreciate and praise Him even more!

blessings

2011-03-27T21:04:00.002-05:00

Have you ever counted the blessings in your life? These days, it seems like a worthwhile exercise for me to do, especially at this time in my life when my future employment is uncertain. It also seems worthwhile when one considers the fragility of life.

A dear friend of mine and her family are experiencing a terrible trauma in their lives right now. Rob, her tall, handsome, strong brother who is in his 40's, is dying of cancer. His wife and he were told recently that he only has months to live. Months. Another family of whom I know through mutual friends are grieving their 18 year old daughter Ann. She'd been suffering with leukemia for 4 years. She knew she was dying way before she died.

What would it be like to get the news that I only had months to live? What would I do? Would I act differently than I do now? Would I spend all my time thanking everyone for all they have given to me in my life? Would I turn inward? What kind of emotions would I have?

It seems to me such a diagnosis could be a gift. I know...I may not know what I'm talking about here since I haven't faced this situation. However, it seems like it would be an opportunity to make sure my spiritual affairs are in order. It would be cause for rejoicing because I would be going home to our Lord way sooner than later, like I'd figured. Ultimately, isn't that where my heart longs to go?

This time on earth is so fleeting, no matter how long we live, when one considers all of eternity (IF one can consider eternity...it boggles the mind really). Ideally, all of our actions, all of our thoughts, would be focused on God with every breath we take every second of every day even without knowing our deaths are looming near.

I remember my sister, when she was dying, crying for a while, being so sad that she was leaving her children behind. As she worked through her grieving, she started to look toward being with God. She even told me not to be sad, that she was going Home. (It didn't stop me from being intensely sad...) Her heart longed to be with God. She was ready to be welcomed into our Lord's arms for all eternity. I have a feeling she had great peace and joy during her last days on earth.

Rob is throwing a Celebration of Life party in a couple weeks. I'm going. I don't know him but I'm going anyway. My friend asked me to go because she said my presence there would help her get through it. Besides, I've been praying for him and, from a spiritual perspective, we are brother and sister in Christ. I love the idea of a celebration! Everyone can celebrate with him what his life has been all about. And, he will get an opportunity to tell everyone what they've brought to his life. Yes, it will be sad but I have a feeling everyone there will take something very precious away with them when they leave the party.

And, days before Ann died, her fellow students put on a concert in her honor, sharing with her family how much she meant to each one of them, how she had changed their lives. She was unable to attend but the point was that many people wanted to celebrate her life by sharing their gifts and talents.

Jesus calls us all to a relationship with Him and with one another. These are people who have done that in their lives and, as a result, the lives of those around them were changed forever in beautiful ways, too. I have a feeling theirs were lives well lived!

Our faith tells us death is not the end. It's the beginning of something very beautiful. We must celebrate--every day.

six degrees of separation

2011-03-20T19:08:00.000-05:00

Don't you find it interesting when you discover that you have a connection with this person or that person as you go along in life? Last week, I applied for a music teaching position at a wonderful Catholic school. In the process, I discovered that a friend of mine knows the principal and put in a good word for me (without me even asking!) and the principal promised to look at my resume specially; a priest friend of mine is on the board of directors; one of the current music teachers there is a former St. Columba music director. The latter had wandered into St. Columba last Fall when I was practicing, looking for a piece of choral music for his middle school choir. (I knew right away where to find it: my house. I'd taken it home to peruse for the choir to sing.) I have been picking the brains of different teachers I know on how to interview and what sort of questions they think I'd be asked. They've given me much food for thought. Some they have identified: I must be prepared to tell about myself, my strengths, my weaknesses (as IF I have any of those!), how I would manage my classroom, scenarios regarding conflict with a parent or a student, what's my favorite thing to teach in music, my philosophy of teaching music. On the surface, it seemed daunting. However, as I've thought about each one, I've come to realize how much I really DO know.

The teacher/former choir director told me the job has been quite demanding. The current teacher "has taught most of the elementary music, trained the elementary and middle school choirs, put on numerous programs each year, and organized the elementary Masses. The expectations for the programs are high." I'm ready for a challenge!

Never mind that there were 100 applicants and who knows if I'll get an interview. I just find the connections and the interview exercises very interesting. We truly are in this life together! What I've most especially learned is that people, a couple degrees out, are willing to help when I'm in a pickle.

All of this serves to remind me that every single life is precious in this world. If it is indeed true that we are only six steps (connections) away from anyone else in this world, we've got to understand and promote the idea that everyone is important. If those six steps are thwarted through abortion, euthanasia, general disrespect for life, the effects could be devastating.

Over the past generation, we have spent much time and focus on "going green". We have learned how harmful to the environment so many things are. When are we going to figure out that the greatest "resource" we have--us human beings--needs even more attention and protection?

From a spiritual perspective, this makes sense. We are all united with God and one another. We are called to help one another. We must protect those degrees of separation. The people in those degrees may very well be the people who will help the person who will help the person who will help the person who will help US...get to heaven!

comforting words

2011-03-15T20:20:00.004-05:00

Here is a little email exchange I had with a dear friend of mine about my current underemployed situation and a job possibility that I think I would thoroughly enjoy and at which I think I'd be quite competent.

Me:
...Sometimes, I can get a little scared AND I want what I want when I want it. I've tried beating this attitude out of me but I'm sorry to say it pops up every now and again.

Him:
Oh Joanne, I do not discount your fear and desire for this ministry at the Academy and neither does God who embraces you in all this when I say be at peace. It is a choice but even in making that choice of putting everything in God's hands and only wanting His will to be done does not take away our humanness shown in these feelings. For you, dear one, they only enhance your love and trust in God--rather than offend Him--because you make this choice for God with more effort and love and trust because of them. Don't you see that everything works together for your good when you love God...and I know you do love Him with all your being.

Peace of Christ be with you, dear sister in Christ!

+ + + + +

I cried as I read his answer to me. His words brought me so much consolation! I'd never considered that my weaknesses could be put to good use in quite the way he expressed. Because of those very weaknesses, I do have to strive harder (with much effort!) to embrace God's will. What I think my friend Jim was saying is that my sufferings mean something to God. God sees the battle I fight in my quest for holiness. He sees the temptations I endure. He knows my heart.

In an instant, peace settled over me through these beautiful words written in love for his sister in Christ. I had been struggling with much angst for a couple of days before he wrote this to me. These words are a great treasure to me.

I am very blessed with the friendships of faith-filled people who are surrounding me with prayer these days. All is well. God is here!

litany of humility

2011-03-13T21:29:00.000-05:00

I feel the need to share this prayer. It has helped me in so many ways! Humility is not easy for me. Neither is detachment, but that's an entire other blog!

+ + + + +

Litany of Humility

by Merry Cardinal del Val, secretary of state to Pope Saint Pius X
from the prayer book for Jesuits, 1963

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, O Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I go unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

psalm study

2011-03-06T20:33:00.000-06:00

We have been studying the book of Psalms for the past few months in the women's study group that I joined 10 years ago. Through this study, I have learned that God is a God of surprises; that, even though these psalms were written long ago, they are still relevant to me today; that human beings really haven't changed since way back then.

Regarding God the surpriser (I know, I know...this is not a word. In my defense, if we use it enough, it COULD become a word! Could you please start using it???)...just when you think you're going along just fine, something happens that turns your world upside down but, through it all, God is actively blessing you in ways that surprise the heck out of you. Or so it seems to me. I have been surprised over and over by God who seems to love me beyond my wildest imaginings and the surprises are always incredibly awesome.

How is it psalms that were written thousands of years ago still can speak to us so meaningfully? I was going to list examples of this but, really, all you have to do is go to the book and open one of the psalms and you will see what I mean.

Like the times when the psalms were written, we still have war, floods, enemies, sin, death...We still can get angry, sad, hurt. The psalms can show us how to have hope, peace, joy. It brings me comfort to know that the people who wrote the psalms survived everything because God was there with them.

God is here with me...with us...today. This week has brought me little episodes of anxiety and, when these happened, I knew that God was with me, comforting me, promising me He would take care of me. I learned this through the Psalms and through last week's Gospel passage, through the many "Be Not Afraid" passages. I have been marveling how faith is such a tremendous gift and such a help during times of strife. It's very humbling for I know that, without God and my faith, I would be sinking down, down, down to the depths of despair. Instead, God inspires me to have joy and peace, two of the best gifts I've ever been given.

One of the assignments we had in our study was to write a simple psalm of praise. Here's mine:

O God, how blessed I am by the recent surprising turn of events in my life! I know you permitted them for a good reason so that I might grow closer to you by finding peace and joy in knowing and loving you evermore.

I thank you for all the beautiful ways people are ministering to me because of their love of you and especially through their prayers for me.

Thank you for showing me a way to use the gifts you have given me to teach others to praise you with music. You have turned my mourning into song, my sorrow into joy. O God, how truly blessed I am!

Indeed, God is here among us in beautiful and surprising ways!

baby Joseph

2011-03-01T13:12:00.002-06:00

I have been following a situation up in Canada for the past week or so. A hospital there is refusing to do a tracheotomy on one year old Joseph so that he can go home to live out his life with his family. It appears the hospital would rather remove his ventilator, with no other intervention, which will result in his immediate death. With a tracheotomy which, I understand, is a simple procedure, he would be able to be at home where he is cherished and loved by everyone around him to live as long as God wants him to live and not how long or short some hospital says he should.

I ask myself what has this world come to. The hospital's reaction/action/non-action is horrifying any way I look at it. Then, I think about how abortion has led to a collective thought that life has no value in this culture. If we are willing to murder our children in their mothers' wombs, why not people who are already born? It's a small step from one to the other. None of this should surprise me, yet it does. It goes against what is written on every mother's heart: human life is sacred and is to be protected from harm.

In this case, just because little Joseph has a fatal disease, his life has been deemed worthless, subject to immediate disposal. It breaks my heart (actually it makes me sick to my stomach!) to know this child's life and so many other lives are threatened to be ended by people who have the power to define the value of human life in any given situation or stage and, without God at the helm of that power, human life becomes a mere commodity to be snuffed out at whim.

Even if one were to disagree with the idea of taking him home with a trach, shouldn't compassion for the parents be a part of any decision for Joseph? This is their child. Shouldn't they, not disinterested parties, be allowed to decide in favor of life for their child--be allowed to follow God's law? It's all so twisted and evil.

Lord, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

seeking first the kingdom of God

2011-02-27T13:53:00.004-06:00

Today's Gospel is one of the most telling of my life and one of my favorites:

Matthew 6:24-34

Jesus said to his disciples:
“No one can serve two masters.
He will either hate one and love the other,
or be devoted to one and despise the other.
You cannot serve God and mammon.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life,
what you will eat or drink,
or about your body, what you will wear.
Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds in the sky;
they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns,
yet your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are not you more important than they?
Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?
Why are you anxious about clothes?
Learn from the way the wild flowers grow.
They do not work or spin.
But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor
was clothed like one of them.
If God so clothes the grass of the field,
which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow,
will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?
So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’
or ‘What are we to drink?’or ‘What are we to wear?’
All these things the pagans seek.
Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,
and all these things will be given you besides.
Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.
Sufficient for a day is its own evil.”

+ + + + +

I have a feeling I came into this life as THE world's best worrywart (or would that be the worst?). When I was younger, I worried about everything. As my life unfolded, I slowly began to understand that worry was an unnecessary activity.

In childhood, I almost drowned but didn't. I almost got lost but didn't. I thought I'd fail classes but never did. As an adult, I struggled financially for a time but I didn't starve. When my kids were babies, they survived immunizations, their mother's overzealous nail-clipping (sorry, Meg!), breastfeeding (temporary low milk production, breast milk jaundice, mastitis), ear infections, etc. Beyond infancy, they survived getting stitches, broken arms, falling out of trees, ski accidents, teenage antics (let's just say things they weren't supposed to be doing at their ages!), car accidents--You know, the basic results of living life. As my kids grew older, there were bigger worries. As I grew older, even BIGGER worries...The list of worries could be endless, if I let it! And, the bottom line was whatever I worried about almost never happened. (My sister Mary did die...) Life events happened but not my dire "predictions". Then, I came upon this passage in Matthew. It blared in large capital letters at me, like a neon sign: "DO NOT WORRY". Do not worry. Good heavens, that was certainly a foreign concept to me.

Talk about something that could change my thinking! Jesus was telling me not to worry. Again, the "be not afraid" theme! Do not worry about tomorrow. Focus on today. Today's enough for you. It was a whole new world opened to me! I no longer had to carry the heavy burden of so many worries around with me. Our Lord had given me permission to let them all go. And, I did...whenever I'd start to worry about something, I would envision myself putting the worry into a balloon, blowing it up and popping it with a big pin. Pop! Worry gone! It took some practice but I got pretty good at letting go without the mental imagery.

I think that's why I'm not worried in the least about this time in my life. There's no point to worrying. Besides, there have been so very many blessings: people who care deeply about me, answers to specific prayers, the ability to do many things, much more time for rest and to pray, to think. What I've discovered is letting go of worries leads to an opportunity to focus on spiritual matters--my relationship with God, finding ways to help build the kingdom of God here on earth, loving more fully. I find it a truly remarkable transformation!

It seems that, just when you think you're in the throes of one of the worst things that ever happened to you, you come to understand that you're probably experiencing one of the greatest blessings that ever happened to you--or at least it brings its own special blessings, none of which you would have experienced otherwise. Maybe this understanding won't come right away, but eventually it will.

To me, the root changes in me regarding worrying are proof positive that the Holy Spirit is right here with me, showing me the Way, as He always has been and always will be. His Presence brings great comfort to me and why I cannot worry. After all, my Lord tells me I must not. And, you know what? It is absolutely awesome not to spend even one second worrying about anything. There's a lot more time to do other things!

taking up my cross

2011-02-19T21:21:00.000-06:00

A reading from the Holy Gospel of St. Mark:

Jesus summoned the crowd with his disciples and said to them,
“Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself,
take up his cross, and follow me.
For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it,
but whoever loses his life for my sake
and that of the Gospel will save it.
What profit is there for one to gain the whole world
and forfeit his life?
What could one give in exchange for his life?
Whoever is ashamed of me and of my words
in this faithless and sinful generation,
the Son of Man will be ashamed of
when he comes in his Father’s glory with the holy angels.”

He also said to them,
“Amen, I say to you,
there are some standing here who will not taste death
until they see that the Kingdom of God has come in power.

+ + + + +

Hymn: Take Up Your Cross
Text: Charles W. Everest, 1814-1877
Tune: O WALY WALY

1 Take up your cross, the Savior said,
If you would my disciple be;
Take up your cross with willing heart,
And humbly follow after me.

2 Take up your cross; let not its weight
Fill your weak spirit with alarm;
His strength shall bear your spirit up,
And brace your heart and nerve your arm.

3 Take up your cross; heed not the shame,
And let your foolish heart be still;
The Lord for you accepted death
Upon a cross, on Calv'ry's hill.

4 Take up your cross, then, in his strength,
And calmly ev'ry danger brave;
It guide you to a better home
And leads to vict'ry o'er the grave.

5 Take up your cross, and follow Christ,
Nor think till death to lay it down;
For only those who bear the cross
May hope to wear the glorious crown.

+ + + + +

I've been contemplating these since I heard this Gospel read yesterday at Mass. For me these days, taking up my cross means that I must accept what has happened in regard to my employment, I must feel the feelings I have by acknowledging them and then moving on from them, give up my dreams, my expectations, be kind to myself in the process, forgive my trespassers, find the blessings in the situation and through it all, praise God with joyful song. Just a wee little cross! Who am I kidding? It's a LOT of work!

Part of taking up my cross means turning away from MY will if it is clear my will is not God's will. Losing myself in God--this can be very challenging for one who came of age when feminism in its most wicked form ran rampant and when individualism and relativism bubbled to the surface of our collective consciousness. In essence, we were given permission to do whatever we wanted to do if it felt good. "If it feels good, do it" was the proclamation for all to hear. If we were put on this earth to know, love and serve God, this was pretty contrary dogma to our pursuit of sainthood.

The thing is I don't want to do anything against what God wants of me. If it means willingly taking up my cross, that's what I plan to do. I may falter or stumble along the way, but I pray that the course will be mostly a straight path, with the finish line being heaven.

One thing I've figured out is that my self-worth is not dependent on how much I can accomplish. My self-worth is based on the fact that an all good and gracious God loves me. Loves ME. I may want to accomplish great things but small things count just as much and possibly a great deal more, if they mean helping to build the kingdom of God. And maybe, just maybe, the small things I do are what God will use to build His kingdom. The other day, as I was helping Brother Max with his mailing, he said he was praying that more vocations to the religious life result from this mailing effort. I thought to myself: here I am, putting on labels, one after another, on something that appears to be just a letter to parishes to do more for the pro-life cause. Those labels were the ticket to the parishes getting those mailings and into the hands of people who would read them and take them to heart...It could ripple out, farther and farther, touching lives in ways I'll never know. If my putting on labels meant more vocations to the religious life, wouldn't that be something?

I think the point is that doing small things with love means quite a lot in God's realm. I love the thought that my little endeavors could have widespread ripples of goodness in our world. I will never know just how and I am okay with that. I have faith I will know one day, just not in this life.

When one looks at taking up the cross as loving God, no matter what the situation, no matter what we feel, then taking up our cross isn't all that difficult. Besides, God is right there with us, giving us the strength, the courage, the wherewithal--the grace--to follow Him. Knowing God is present, loving us, makes every burden we are given in life much easier to tote. With God, we can do it!

Seeing God's signs

2011-02-14T23:09:00.004-06:00

This was in the Magnificat today:

Seeing God's Signs by Jessica Powers (+1988) who was a Carmelite nun, Sister Miriam of the Holy Spirit

"Sometimes lovely things that are lost. Beautiful things God scatters everywhere. As Walt Whitman said (in other words), that God is tossing down love letters in the street and everywhere, if only we would watch out for them. I think I have come to see that even the contradictions and the crosses of life are his "love letters".

I've begun to look for them [God's love letters] with a certain joy -- signs that tell me that Jesus is near. The unexpected delay, the negative response, the inopportune caller, the gimmick that won't work, the nice food that got overcooked, the lack of something needed, the ballpoint pen that smudges, the mistake one can't undo - the list is endless. Not (I hope) that I concentrate on the unpleasant things but that they are little signs that I share in the life of Jesus."

+ + + +

I understand what the author is saying here. There are so many signs of God's "love letters" everywhere! Not only that, but I believe we are called to live each moment "in the moment" and not look beyond what is in front of us right now. When I do this, I seem to keep out of a whole lot of worry about the future and I find joy in each thing that happens.

The other day, after I played for a funeral, I was given a check that was 50% more than my fee. How did they know I needed that money? Yesterday and today have been positively balmy, sunny days, a blessing after all the freezing temps we've had for weeks on end. Over the weekend, I had the privilege to talk to a grandmother and a mother of children who might not have been born but are now 10 and 12. I counseled them and saw them through the pregnancies and beyond. We became close friends and these friendships have lasted all these years. Too, when I was feeling low the other day, as I was wrestling with my feelings, I knew that God was there with me, helping me to see past the hurt to a new beginning in my life. I figured out I love the less hectic pace of my life at this time. It allows me time to breathe! All these things are great blessings, borne out of less than what I'd consider ideal situations.

Maybe what the author was telling us to do is look at everything as a blessing from God. That's what I'm trying to do, anyway. If I find myself suffering, I look at it as an opportunity to help our Lord carry His cross and offer it up for some good. This is a blessing! If I find myself on the recipient end of awesome kindness, I rejoice and praise God for all He does for me (and for the person who was the go-between!). No matter what happens, the presence of God in my life makes all the difference to me.

I've been working on taking to heart what the bishop told me about this whole idea. I try very hard to listen to what God wants of me and then I try to do it the best I can. Sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes I do a good job of it. The bottom line is that He loves me no matter what and, when I beg His forgiveness, He seems always ready to show mercy on me. And, when I do what He wants of me, things seem to work out much better.

I have a peace that is a great gift to me. I know God is here. I know that all things are ordered for good to those who love Him. I love Him with my whole heart, my whole soul, my whole being. It is a blessing!

grieving

2011-02-10T21:25:00.007-06:00

You knew I would grieve, didn't you? The intensity of what happened is hitting me this week. I've been feeling angry, sad--really, really sad--betrayed...In the middle of all of these, I have wondered how it can be that people who profess to be Christian (Catholic, actually) can treat me with the disdain and cruelty they did for something that had been resolved and when no harm to clients or center had been done. Besides, I had thirteen years of excellent service to back me up. The cruelty meted out by Christians has made me the saddest of all.

Clients' well-being and care were always my first priority and clients knew it. They told us they felt safe there, that they'd never felt such peace anywhere else in their lives. They knew that we cared deeply for their welfare.

The facts seem to speak for themselves, in terms of my leadership role. (I won't take credit for all of these; I was merely the cheerleader and the facilitator so that others could bring forth their talents for the good of the center.) During my tenure, many things came to be. There was a 500 percent rise in monthly client visits. We began and implemented an Earn While You Learn parenting education program, with prenatal and parenting classes. We became a medical clinic so we could do ultrasounds. I was instrumental in raising the money to get two new ultrasound machines and helped raise $100,000 in six weeks' time for the down payment on a beautiful medical building. There was virtually zero turn-over in volunteers and staff all the while I was there. I put thirteen years of blood, sweat and tears into the place. And, in the end, I was treated like a criminal and there were no thanks from the board of directors, the people who chose to terminate my employment, because fear had infiltrated their thoughts and they couldn't see past it or see it for what it was: the work of the evil one. We know fear is never of God. It's always from Satan.

One of the saddest moments for me was when I told the board president that the only thing I had left to do was delete a couple files on the computer and he told me that he hoped I wouldn't delete files that were important to the center. I replied, no, I had to delete photos of my grandchldren. And, he stood over me while I did it. After thirteen years of knowing me, one would have thought he would have known that I could never harm the center. The fact was I'd just spent the past three days showing my staff things they would need to know in my absence because I sensed what the end would be.

Why didn't the board want to hear my side of the story? Why didn't they ask me what it was that I found false in the document they expected me to sign? Wouldn't you think someone on the board would ask why I refused to sign it because I wouldn't go against my integrity and lie to save a job? At least two of them didn't even know what was in the document before I was presented with it. Why didn't they seek the truth? Why weren't they angry that the board president acted alone (he told me he and a lawyer drew it up) in drawing up the document? Isn't it illegal for individual board members to act on behalf of an entire board when in fact the entire board had no knowledge of it and had not voted on it? It was as if the rest of the board were automatons, without reasoning capabilities, under the control of the board president. Where was their courage, their integrity in all of this? These people were my friends...or so I thought.

And, now, I am being called to forgive. Jesus asks this of me. How do I do that with a sincere heart? I know I must...but how? I have been praying intensely for the Holy Spirit to show me the way.

It's all so surreal to me. The other night, I woke with a start, thinking I had to get to the center to get my work done. When I was fully awake, I realized my work there was done and I wouldn't be going back.

The thing is we can "bloom where we are planted". Situations are really unimportant in our journey to heaven. It's what we do in the situations in which we find ourselves that is what truly matters. Anywhere I go, I will take the gifts and talents that God gave to me and there will be opportunities to use them for His glory any time, anywhere. And, with the grace of God, I WILL use those opportunities to share what He has so graciously given to me.

In the middle of all this pain, I find great joy. God is here. The angels are here. The saints are here. Many, many, many people here on earth are praying for me and ministering to me in their own unique ways. It is a special blessing to be loved by so many! My ultimate goal is to be with the saints and angels as we praise God forever. Everything here in this earthly life is merely good practice!

Overall, I think I'm doing pretty well. There are just some days when the intensity hits me and I know I must rely ever more on God's mercy and compassion to hold me up. He is here and I am grateful! Our Lord knows about betrayal and suffering. By reflecting on His Passion, I can align my small sufferings to His and I can praise and thank Him more and more for His Sacrifice for my terrible sins that I might live with Him forever. Oh, how my heart longs to be with Him forever!

even more blessings...

2011-02-05T13:28:00.002-06:00

The oddest thing happened the other day. I had played for Mass in the morning at a nursing home. (It's my volunteer job!) In the afternoon, I had a very strong urge to go to Mass again and it had to be at the cathedral at 5:15. I thought it was strange because I'd already gone to Mass and I didn't think I should spend the money for gas to get there. (It's at least 20 minutes from my home.) As the afternoon wore on, the urge became a very decisive longing. I HAD TO GO TO MASS AGAIN AT THE CATHEDRAL AT 5:15! So, I went...

When I walked into the church, I saw many Sisters and Brothers standing around. I asked Brother Paul what was up. He said it was World Consecrated Religious Day and they were all there celebrating with the archbishop. He said there would probably be 200 participating. I replied, whoa, I'll be in good company then!

Now, given how I am meeting regularly with the bishop and working on the idea of beginning a new religious congregation of Sisters around the chastity/pro-life message, I thought it was rather interesting that God had called me there right then. It was an awesome gift for me to be among these holy men and women.

What a blessing the entire thing was for me! The archbishop, the bishop, 15 priests, acolytes...the beautiful music, the readings, the archbishop's homily, the opening up of the bishop's line for Holy Communion, his loving, encouraging smile as he placed Our Lord gently in my hand (he knows of my termination from the center), the recognition of Sisters who have given many years to our Lord...being able to talk with Sr. Josephine of the Little Sisters of the Poor after Mass (she's been praying for me ever since we met 2 years ago when she came to the Sisters of the Good Shepherd for retreat!) and my friend Joan who found me before Mass and sat with me...My goodness, the blessings just kept coming!

This Mass was a gift of enormous magnitude to me and just the balm on my spirit that I needed so badly. We Catholics are very blessed to be able to receive the Blessed Sacrament every day (and sometimes twice!). It is especially poignant to participate in the re-presentation of our Lord's sacrifice when one is suffering earthly heartaches as I was that day. Somehow, our sufferings pale in light of Jesus' but it can be an opportunity to share His cross in some small way.

How awesome it is to be loved by such a God as ours! I cried all the way back to my pew and then some after Communion. I couldn't help it. I was overcome with great joy to think God loves me so much that He placed an urging in my soul to go be with Him at His most holy Sacrifice once more that day. So, so, so beautiful!

blessings along the way

2011-02-02T06:01:00.004-06:00

Some people do not seem to believe that the evil one is alive in the world. I can assure them he is and that he is quite vicious in his attacks. HOWEVER, our dear Lord is way more powerful. If we stay close to Him, we will live in peace and harmony and in His presence forever. He promised this to us.

Yesterday, the evil one attacked me with lies. He told me that the people (volunteers and staff) at the center must not have believed me when I told them how I'd been fired since most had chosen to stay on. Obviously, they weren't very loyal to you, he said. I recognized immediately from where these thoughts were coming.

It's not true they didn't believe me. They have never known me to lie. (If anything I'm too candid.) Judging from the prayers, phone calls, cards and emails, it's not true they aren't loyal to me. And, I had encouraged them to stay on because the work is far more important than I.

"In the name of Jesus, I demand you to be gone from here." Someone once told me that I should say that when being attacked. I did yesterday. Then, I said a rosary, asking for divine help. And, then, I took a nap. I wanted to take a 20 minute nap but it ended up being 2 and a half hours! I awoke refreshed and at peace. I had needed the rest.

When these things happen to me, I take solace in the thought that I must be going in the right direction if the evil one works so hard to bring me down. Not only that, but I feel God's presence so strongly, it feels like He's right here with me in a very physical way. I also know without any doubt that St. Michael and all the angels come to my immediate rescue.

+ + + + +

I was very blessed on Monday to have spent a couple hours with Franciscan Brother of Peace Maximilian in the friary. We were working on a mailing. It gave me an opportunity to visit with Brother Max. We are both from Duluth, doncha know! And, my sisters knew his grandmother because they were all organists at my childhood parish. (I don't remember meeting her but I think I must have.) It was fun to learn some more about his life. As we worked, several of the other Brothers wandered in and out and Brother Paul had his Irish music playing in the background, both of which I loved! Being in the presence of this community always brings me joy and Irish music is in my blood!

When we were finished with our task, Brother Max invited me to stay and pray a while in Brother Michael's chapel. Brother Max told me that it had been Brother Michael's bedroom all during his infirmity. (For more on Brother Michael, please see http://www.brothersofpeace.org/our-history/our-founder.html) The chapel holds the Blessed Sacrament and has one chair and one kneeler. There are plants and flowers and icons. The monstrance in which Jesus rests is very beautiful. The peace I found there was a peace I've never known. I asked Brother Michael to be with me during this painful (yes, it is!) time. And, I thanked God for allowing me this time of respite in such a lovely place.

Blessings. All we need to do is look around and we will see them, over and over again. As I've said before, we are loved by a truly gracious God!

one more crucial thing this week

2011-01-30T19:24:00.003-06:00

I forgot to mention earlier one very, very beautiful thing that happened this week. A client with whom I'd spent several hours early in her pregnancy had her child on Thursday--a precious baby girl! I had no assurances for quite some time that she wasn't going to abort her. After she had an ultrasound done at the center, she went to two other centers for support, still on the fence, not committing to having her child. (She lived and worked closer to them.) Others eventually helped convince her. It was one big giant joint effort from all of us!

This news was the exclamation point on my pregnancy center work tenure. It is a story of just how it should always happen: multi-center support from caring people, baby born! It was absolutely the best way to end my time there.

a timeline of sorts

2011-01-30T12:01:00.004-06:00

Okay. Let's recap the past week:

Friday evening, my friend Jacquie takes me to dinner and offers her home piano studio to me every Wednesday with the promise that she will send every new referral my way. I can charge $8 more an hour for lessons in her area of town because it's very wealthy.

Saturday and Sunday, I ask God to show me where I should go next. All my mind keeps going to is that I am to teach piano more. A peace descends. Joy follows. I love teaching!

Sunday evening, I talk to one of the cantors from St. Columba about something unrelated to teaching and she tells me she's been looking for a piano teacher for her daughter. She lives about a mile from my house. When I tell her I could come to her home on Saturday morning at 10:30, she says that is perfect because she has adoration from 10 to 11 and this way her daughter would get up and get ready for the day instead of sleeping in until she got home after 11. Quick and solid affirmation from God that I'm on the right path! I sign up to be a member of the MN Music Teachers Association and Music Teachers National Association. Make a note to call them in the morning to be put on the online list of piano teachers in the area. (Did this on Monday; I will be on the list as soon as it's verified that I paid my dues.) God is so good to me!

Monday evening, my friend calls to tell me she happened to be talking to an elementary music specialist in the school district near her home. He told her he'd referred a family to her. She told him she's going to start referring all new students to me. She tells him about me and asks that he spread the word. He says he will. An elementary music specialist! If I were a parent looking for a piano teacher, he'd be the first one I'd ask!

Tuesday, play with my grandchildren at the Children's Museum. It gives their mother and me an opportunity to talk about Liam being diagnosed with a mild form of autism (Asperger's) and how we are feeling about it. I take a half hour nap afterward. Begin working on updating my resume. Peruse jobs online, just in case!

Wednesday, continue back and forth emails with a friend who knows about resumes and is generously giving me her expert advice on it. She calls herself my nit-picking friend. I tell her nit-picking is exactly what is needed and ask where she was when two of my kids had head lice when they were preschoolers. I certainly could have used a nit-picker then!

Thursday, get an email from someone, giving me info on potential students near where my grandchildren live. Their grandmother had been teaching them but now she has Alzheimer's. She tells me that other of the grandmother's students may be interested in me. I work on my policy brochure and a funny flier to advertise my little "cottage industry" all over town. I send the flier to many people I know. Get one call so far!

Friday, more networking through calls and email to some home school associations. Attend musical "Into the Woods" with Meg, Wendy and Trista--"my girls"--a belated Christmas present from me to them. Awesome fun! Cantor Amanda is, as per usual, stellar as Cinderella's mother, Snow White and Granny. Reminded me of my "Into the Woods" experience in the orchestra pit and as rehearsal pianist of long ago.

Saturday evening after Mass, I see a man with whom apparently the Holy Spirit is nudging me to talk. I race down (well, not really...I saunter down, very lady-like!) the aisle before he can leave. I tell him a little of what happened and ask that he pray specifically that I stop being prideful. He assures me that he will and then we talk about what I'm trying to do with the piano studio. He tells me he has a friend who teaches piano in North Oaks, which isn't far from my house and where I teach 6 students already. He said the last time he talked with him, he told him that he was getting full to capacity with students. He promised he'd call and ask him to refer anyone he isn't able to fit into his schedule to me. Spend the rest of the evening at daughter's future in-laws' home, getting to know them and they getting to know us. It was fun!

Today, choir sings Blest are They so beautifully. I see this as a sign that the saints and angels are here praying, too. All is well with the world!

something I forgot to write yesterday

2011-01-28T11:59:00.002-06:00

It was St. Angela Merici's feast day yesterday. In his homily at the Sisters', Fr. Leo told us that it was her mission to go into the homes of the poor and teach little children about the Faith. As I was thinking about her, I decided I would ask her to be one of my patron saints for this new endeavor of teaching private piano lessons more full-time. I go into people's homes for the lessons and I have always believed it is my mission, not only to teach technical skills on the piano (and a love of music!), but to show Christ's love to each of my students while I'm doing it. In a small way, I am following her path. And, it's a given I must also ask St. Cecilia, the patroness of church musicians and all musicians! Tonight, I will ask them.

I believe God is calling me to continue ministry work but in a different way than I have been.

I've already warned some of my current students who have been my students for years that I'm going to be following my friend Jacquie's policies, one of which is to require them to practice half hour, 45 minutes or 1 hour a day, depending on their level. Up 'til now, I've only ever required 15 minutes out of beginners. I told them, 6 months from now, they'll be so good because of all the increased practice that they'll be world famous. I don't think I convinced them!

It's all so very beautiful! Oh, by the way...it was also Mozart's birthday yesterday! Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, anyone?

so many lessons!

2011-01-27T22:08:00.006-06:00

This time, right now, is a blessed time for me. I am seeing awesome signs that God is intimately involved with everything that is happening to me these days. Every prayer seems to be answered swiftly and in beautiful ways. It fills me with incredible peace and great joy!

These are not dark days. These are days filled with wonder! I am excited to find out just exactly what it is God has in mind for the next leg of my journey in life.

These past two weeks have taught me so many things! The first thing I saw is that I have a pride that has not been squelched very well, despite my best efforts...or at least it seems to come out as a temptation at times like this. There have been times when I didn't even realize what I was doing was prideful. I have some work to do on this...and I know God will provide good opportunities to do so!

People have been sending me little messages just when I need them the most. Last night's:

From Saint Faustina's Diary:

270 Without humility, we cannot be pleasing to God. Practice the third degree of humility, that is not only must one refrain from explaining and defending oneself when reproached with something, but one should rejoice at the humiliation.

If the things you are telling me really come from God, prepare your soul for great suffering. You will encounter disapproval and persecution. They will look upon you as a hysteric and an eccentric, but the Lord will lavish His graces upon you. True works of God always meet opposition and are marked by suffering. If God wants to accomplish something, sooner or later He will do so in spite of the difficulties. Your part, in the meantime, is to arm yourself with patience.

(advice from Fr. Sopocko)

+ + + +

It seems every single person in my life and many who are on the periphery of my life are praying for me because that's the first thing they tell me when they write or call or visit with me. Peggy, the sacristan, gave me food (dessert included!)throughout the week last week. She said she wanted to take care of me and cooking and baking are the ways she could. Several have taken me out for a meal. This morning, a friend said eat whatever you want, order everything...take a little for home, too. She wanted so badly to do what she could for me. I have such marvelous friends!

This morning, before Mass, I asked Father if he had any hymns in mind. He said he wanted us to sing Blest Are They. I looked at him oddly. He said, "What?" I told him that this was the 23rd anniversary of my 41 year old sister Mary's death and we had sung it at her funeral. She had planned her funeral and it was one of her favorites. And, for the past few days, I have been singing On Eagle's Wings, which was definitely NOT her favorite hymn but the words have brought comfort to me. It just made me think that Mary must really be here with me, advocating for me. It also makes me think about just how broad my friend base really is...I believe it includes the communion of saints in heaven! See? I AM very blessed!

I'm not going to tell you that everything is all peachy keen. I took a nap the other day and woke in sheer panic. (It probably didn't help that my cat was sleeping on me which made it hard to breathe deeply while I was sleeping!) I walked around the house for a bit, remembering how "Be not afraid" is in the Bible over 300 times. God must mean it if it's in there that many times! I must not be afraid. I felt better, thinking of that.

Too, the magnitude of loss is starting to seep in. The loss of income is only the tip of the iceberg. The loss of seeing friends at the center, the loss of stature, the feeling of utmost betrayal by people I thought were my friends. The grieving will take a while!

I am busy marketing my piano studio. I have four new students--one started last week, one started today, another will begin next week and I haven't firmed up when the fourth will begin. It's a start, it's a start!

And, onward to the Kingdom we go! Peace of Christ be yours, dear friends!

interesting!

2011-01-23T21:53:00.003-06:00

As I've prayed this weekend about what God is asking me to do next, I have been focusing on expanding my piano studio. I went to dinner with one of my closest friends on Friday night and we talked about the possibilities. She, herself, is filled to capacity with students. She offered several ways to get going on this. The most poignant was her offer to let me use her home studio every Wednesday as many hours as I'd like. (She's also a music director of a parish and is gone on Wednesdays from early morning until pretty late at night for her duties there.) She lives in a different part of town, a part that borders on a very wealthy area so she charges more than I do where I live. She said she could refer people to me as they call her for lessons.

Tomorrow, I'm going to hit the local music store where Rita works. Rita has been selling me piano music for years and I have a feeling she'll refer people to me if I ask. I'll market through bulletin announcements in the churches and maybe approach a couple of principals in schools to see if I could teach during the school day. I already signed up to become a member of the Music Teachers' Association, where I might get even more students. See? Lotso ideas!

The unemployment should help me get by until I can build my student population. Best of all, it will free my time to volunteer in a pro-life endeavor.

One just never knows what God has planned 'round here! All I know for sure is that, whatever it is, it will be exciting!

Oh, yeah...I forgot to mention that God seems to have given me an affirmation regarding this. When I called one of my cantors from St. Columba tonight to talk about something unrelated, she told me she was looking for a piano teacher for her daughter. They live blocks from my house! I signed her right up!!!

a powerful event in my life

2011-01-22T04:44:00.023-06:00

It has been a busy couple of weeks. During this time, God gave me an unexpected gift through a very powerful event in my life. My employment was terminated at the pregnancy center. I did not see it coming, nor did I think I wanted it. I wasn't ready to leave just yet. Still...

The interesting thing is, a few days before this event happened, I was awake in the middle of the night, on the verge of worrying about something. I told God that I didn't think I trusted Him enough if I was worrying. I asked Him to teach me how to trust Him more. And, then, BAM!, He brought a most awesome and HUGE opportunity to learn about trusting Him. I figure He must really love me to answer my prayer so quickly!

While I don't think all the details about the situation are important to be told in this story, I will tell you just a few. I made an error in judgment and it was discovered on the corporate level and the board and I were reprimanded for it. When I was told that my error was serious, I immediately made sure it was fixed. My thinking was that no harm was ever done and we would now be up to snuff with what was required from now on. My plan was to apologize to the board for my part in it, hoping they'd see their culpability in it, too, and we'd move on. No harm, no foul.

A couple weeks later, without warning, I was asked by my board to sign a document that was not completely true. In it, I was accused of something I had not done. They had hired a lawyer to draw it up and it was very harsh. It stated that I would have to sign it in order to stay employed there. The implication was that, if I didn't, I would be terminated. I speculated the document was an action taken to save face with the corporate entity.

I sobbed all the way home that day. In the middle of my sobbing, however, an overwhelming peace came over me and I knew right then exactly what I had to do. I could not sign that I agreed with something that was not true. I would not compromise my integrity to save what appeared now to be an insecure job. I didn't fear homelessness nearly as much as I did being separated from God because of a sin I committed.

The next few days brought many signs from God that what I was about to do was His Will. First of all, I had a great peace and even joy about it. Then, a Franciscan Brother approached me after Mass on Sunday, asking if I'd help his community with a new project they were working on. Another contact told me that there might be an opening in her office soon. As the signs kept coming, I had no doubt that God would provide for my needs and all would be well.

The day I was to tell the board of my decision not to sign the document was the day I always spend with my grandchildren in the morning. When I got to their house, I declared that Nana was hungry because she forgot to eat breakfast. (In my discombobulated state that morning, I had completely forgotten to bring something to eat after I played for the Sisters' Mass.) Liam immediately jumped up and declared that he had the best cereal for me. He said he loved it and he knew that I would, too. Out came frosted mini-wheats...Then, Liam said, "I'll get you a bowl." Ellie found a (really big!) spoon. Out came the milk...Soon Nana was eating frosted mini-wheats and listening to her two precious grandchildren chattering away at her. A little while later, I was standing in the middle of the kitchen. Ellie pushed her little step stool over right in front of me and climbed up on it. She put her arms around my waist and we stood there for a minute. A while after that, Ellie asked me to read a book that had a zillion words in it. I told her that I probably shouldn't read it because my throat was sore but I'd read it next time. Before I left that day, she said she hoped I would feel better soon. I thought to myself that these were God's precious children ministering to their Nana in ways they never had before just when she needed it most. It was so comforting!

The situation played out as outlined by the document. I recognized the hand of God in this. While He did not orchestrate it--I believed sin, pride and fear, had--He allowed this to happen for some good reason, of which He has not apprised me just yet. Yes, over the course of the past few days, I have seen smaller good things come out of it but I think there's something even larger in the future and will be shown to me in His time.

One funny story happened. When I told my children about it, I asked them if they remembered my retirement plan of living with each of them for 3 months a year. (I figured, by the time one family got sick of me, it would be about time to move to the next...I thought it was a good plan!) I said, well, that plan may be about to be stepped up. One smart aleck son replied, "Ohhh, Mother. I am going to pray REALLY hard that you get a job VERY soon!" I said, gee, thanks. His line made me laugh.

I don't know what my future will bring. That's the beauty of this moment in my life. I must rely completely on God. I know that He is here. The beauty of getting older is that I have a history with God and I know that He has always taken care of me and will continue to do so.

Yesterday, I was given a gift. I believe it came from the Holy Spirit. Here it is:

During my morning prayer, it became very clear to me that I am to lay aside all my hurt, anger and pride regarding my leaving my post at the center. The people involved were not my executioners. They are people, trying to do their job the best way they know how. They may have botched it and they may not have done it the way I thought they should...but who am I? While God had not orchestrated it, He had allowed this to occur the way it did for a greater good. This does not spell death for me. It spells life. God is calling me to do something new. He is offering me a new opportunity to serve Him. And, with a new executive director at the center, He will offer an opportunity for that person's gifts and talents to be used there to glorify Him.

If I really want to do God's will, shouldn't I accept it first? Shouldn't I, in fact, embrace it completely? If I really believe that God allowed this event to happen for a good reason, I must trust Him. He always brings good out of evil for those who love Him. And, we didn't hear Jesus walking around, yelling "This is unjust, this is unjust!" He embraced His Father's Will because He knew He must for the salvation of all of us. He did it out of profound love for His Father and for us. Through His Sacrifice, He offered us eternal life. Compared to that, this is truly not much of a sacrifice.

I am not afraid (although, looking at my financial situation, perhaps I should be!). I just feel very blessed. Indeed, this is a major event in my life. It is propelling me toward God in a new way. It is an opportunity for me to grow in faith. Why would I not want to embrace that? After all, sainthood is my ultimate goal.

However, first, I must find a job. If you know of anything, please let me know. My email address is minnemama@comcast.net. But, most of all, I ask you to keep me, as well as the people involved and the center, in your prayers. As I know well, God answers all of our prayers in very beautiful ways.

Holy Spirit to the rescue!

2011-01-09T16:52:00.009-06:00

This past week brought resolution to a terrible misunderstanding at the pregnancy center. If you live in Minnesota or the surrounding states, did you feel the earth quiver and shake on Tuesday about 4:15? You didn't know we had earthquakes in Minnesota, did you? Actually, it was me, dancing in the halls of the center, praising God, when I heard the news!

For two weeks, I lay awake at night, trying to find a solution to what was going on. There was much discord. After a while, I began to understand that I was not helping the situation. Eventually, I figured out that I needed to get out of it and stop trying to fix it. The issue was a medical one about which I knew little anyway.

My own fear was regarding the idea that the ultrasound program could blow up in smoke. What would happen to the precious children whose mothers would have come for an ultrasound if that happened? THAT was worth at least 3 sleepless nights!

I believe fear and pride were at the center of the situation, which meant that Satan was involved in it, too. All I could think to do was pray intensively, go to Confession, receive Holy Communion daily and ask many faithful people to pray with me and for the situation.

The way it was resolved was so beautiful and in a way that I never would have considered. (This is how I recognized the hand of God in it. The solution was so simple, so peace-filled and something I would never of thought of. It felt supernatural!) I realized, then, that I need not have spent sleepless nights nor even tried to fix it with my limited imagination. Still, in my defense, I AM the manager of the place...It is my job to solve problems when they arise. This, though, seemed different because it looked like it was a spiritual battle which could only be resolved through God's grace...and it was!

The Holy Spirit came in and worked it all out. Pride and fear gave way to humility and graciousness. And, in the end, the ultrasound program will be much, much stronger and, hopefully, our center will be safe from any attacks from those who would like us to go away.

What I figured out is our Lord really, really watches over our work. When I was beside myself, I should have realized that He would not let it fall apart. Our presence in that neighborhood has spelled the difference between life and death for little ones, over and over, especially because of the ultrasounds their mothers had. The one thing I did have all along was the knowledge that God was there with us. I could feel the peace of His presence.

I hope, next time, I tell myself that there is no reason to worry. And, I hope I mean it because the truth is God IS always here!

Thank you, dear Lord, for protecting the pregnancy center from harm. Thank you for allowing each of us to work there and to be a part of building Your Kingdom here on earth. Please continue to watch over us. Teach us Your ways so that we may always do Your will. Amen.

different perspectives

2011-01-02T23:03:00.002-06:00

For the past two weeks, I have been embroiled in what I can only think is a satanic attack on the pregnancy center. It is threatening to tear apart our ultrasound program. I can't really share with you the details but, trust me, it's been vicious. I know that we will emerge stronger but, in the meanwhile, it's painful going through it.

I am offering up my suffering, that our Lord might use it for something good. And, maybe God is allowing this so that all of us involved will learn important things from it. I know, for me, it is an opportunity to trust God. It is also showing me more of my limitations and flaws. Everywhere I go, I have been asking, begging, for prayer support.

For the past month or more, I have felt as though I have been pouring my heart out over preparing the music for Christmas time and then executing it at Mass. So, it was quite a shock to my system yesterday morning before the holy day Mass when an elderly woman approached me, very irritated, chastising me for not programming "Go Tell it on the Mountain". She said it should have been the first hymn on Christmas Day. She was dead serious. In my head, I was thinking: from the sublime to the ridiculous. I deal with life and death every single day at the pregnancy center and here she was, complaining about something that seemed so trivial. However, I realized that, if it was her favorite Christmas carol, I could see why she would be perturbed that we hadn't sung it YET. I explained that it was coming...We would be singing it for Epiphany in the afternoon and today. That did little to appease her...or so her face showed. I told her there were 5 billion Christmas carols and I was doing my best to get in as many as I could. I really wanted to ask her to tell me something she thought I was doing right but I was so vexed I just wanted to retreat into my corner where the piano is and not talk to her for one minute longer than I had to.

I wonder what she thought of the beautiful rendition Krista, the cantor, did of the Ave Maria, minutes after her complaint. It brought tears to my eyes, listening to her. As her accompanist, I wanted to accompany her the very best way possible. She didn't really need me, though. Her voice soared all by itself!

Does the woman realize what a treasure we have in our cantors, every one of them? On my way to the church yesterday morning, I thought about how lovely it would be if Krista sang the Ave Maria for a prelude. She didn't hesitate when I asked her if she was warmed up enough to do it. Her attitude always is "I'm here, I may as well sing!" It's that way with all the cantors at St. Columba. Their servant attitude humbles me and makes my job so easy!

Isn't it interesting how we all have different perspectives on things? I feel so blessed to be learning the lessons my bishop is teaching me. They have colored everything I do, hopefully with a serving and humble attitude. (This is a work in progress!) Love isn't about complaining, even in our heads. It's about giving and giving and giving. No complaining allowed...well, it's allowed but I think we must try to work our way out of complaining when God calls us to do something. I'm working on not complaining at first, which is what I tend to do before I get to doing what it is I'm supposed to be doing at the moment. The ideal is not to complain at all. It's tough but a very worthwhile exercise!

I just thought of something. If I hadn't been blessed with the job at St. Columba (and, trust me, it is a huge blessing in many ways!), I wouldn't have had to listen to the woman's complaining. Not to have that job would have been a terrible loss in my life for lots of reasons. (I'm thinking of all the wonderful people I've met there, for one.) In that light, I am glad she complained!

judging not

2010-12-26T15:02:00.004-06:00

This morning, in the ladies' room at church was a sign: "Will whoever took the full bottle of liquid Soft Soap that I put here, please return it. Stealing is a sin. Thank you!" Sin was underlined. My cantor Amanda saw it first and told me after Mass she'd had a very negative reaction to it. She said it seemed so inhospitable to write such a note. After all, it was only soap. If someone really needed the soap, shouldn't we be gracious and let her have it? I agreed with her. It started me remembering all the times something has been taken from the center. The last was last week when someone took the roll of toilet paper off the holder AND discarded or took the holder itself. (I wasn't about to look in the trash to see if it had been thrown away there! When I went to buy a replacement, I discovered it only cost $1 and was REALLY glad then that I hadn't bothered!) I have always thought that whoever took whatever it was they took must have been in desperate need of the object. (It is usually toilet paper or soap or pregnancy wheels that tell due dates or baby models.) Can you imagine being so poor that you have to go without toilet paper?

Why must we think that what we have is strictly ours? To be sure, attachment to things is not where Our Lord was in His life. And, every single thing we "own" is really not ours anyway. Things are given to us by our generous God and they can be taken away in a blink of an eye, given circumstances.

This whole thing goes along with what the bishop taught us about self-denial, doesn't it? If we really want to give ourselves completely to God, our reaction in such situations might be, "okay, Lord...thanks for letting me have it temporarily!"

Too, we must remember the three conditions of a (mortal)sin: it is a sin of grave matter, it is committed with full knowledge of the sinner and is committed with deliberate consent of the sinner. So, in order for us to judge someone as committing a sin, we must have knowledge of his or her intention. How can we in this situation? How can we really, in any situation?

I am amazed how just one seemingly small lesson from the bishop reverberates through my life in so many ways. From now on, I will always try to remember that the things I have are not important. If they are taken away from me tomorrow, I will thank God for allowing me access to them for the time I had them.

PS to this: I bought a bottle of Soft Soap and will put it in the ladies' room at church tomorrow when I go for morning Mass. It was only $1--and the exact name brand! Such a steal! (Pardon the pun!)

my heart's delight

2010-12-19T17:30:00.005-06:00

I met with Bishop Piché this past week. On my way there, I came upon an accident and I was stuck in a line that didn't budge for 15 minutes. I kept praying we'd get moving and that I wouldn't be late. (I never ever want to keep a bishop waiting for me.) I also prayed for the people who had been in the accident. The ambulance and tow truck were just pulling away when I got to the intersection so I didn't see any of the details. It was a good thing I'd left early! My plan had been to spend a few quiet minutes in the Cathedral before the meeting, which is why I had the leeway I did.

As it turned out, I walked into the chancery office ONE minute before the scheduled meeting. However, the bishop was 15 minutes late! He apologized and told me that he'd had to finish something that the archbishop needed from him right away. Maybe I'm being weird but it felt like a privilege to wait for a bishop to finish something for an archbishop. :-) I told him that the archbishop should ALWAYS come before me. I didn't mind waiting in the least. I had spent the time calming down from the frantic force of the ride over. And, given the frenetic pace of my life, I never mind an unexpected opportunity to be still for a few minutes.

As usual, the time spent with the bishop was a huge blessing for me. The first thing he did was ask if I wanted to say a prayer before we began. Ordinarily, he says the prayer and I have been very happy that he does. My first thought: yikes, I'm about to pray an extemporaneous prayer with a bishop. Double yikes! And yet, in that moment, I knew absolutely that our Lord was listening and that Bishop Piché was entering into the prayer with me. It was a very beautiful moment.

I began by telling him that I have found my heart's delight and, in that, I seem to have frequent tears of great joy these days. (He reached for the Kleenex and gave it to me as the tears came easily!) Saying yes to God with my entire life and knowing God loves me is truly my heart's delight!

I apprised the bishop of all that had been going on since we last met--my glorious trip to NYC in September to spend time with Mother Agnes and the Sisters of Life, meeting and becoming immediate friends with Sr. Susan Catherine Kennedy from Texas. (She wasn't Sr. Susan at that point; she made her first profession of vows on the feast of Christ the King in November.) And, I told him what I'd been learning...

This period has been a time of deep introspection. I keep hearing "Be still and know that I am God." Bishop Piché gave me something else to ponder: "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening." It was exactly what I needed to hear because my desire is to do everything according to God's will, not mine, and the only way to do that is to listen to what He has to say to me. Being able to say that verse from I Samuel 3 has, and will continue to have, wondrous consequences in my life!

I told him that the evangelical counsels (obedience, chastity and poverty) have become great gifts to me, insofar as I understand them and put them into practice at this point. I understand more about how practicing them leads to a profound unity with the Holy Trinity.

I said I had felt like I had nothing to report to him a couple months ago but soon realized that that was not true at all. We talked about how this was a latent period in my life. He corrected me when I told him I thought it was a latent period when what I really meant was it seemed like a dormant period. He said latent was actually a good word for it. He went on to explain with an analogy. He said, when one sees an 8 week old baby on an ultrasound, one doesn't ask what color eyes he or she has. We must give the baby time to grow and develop eyes and, eventually, we will know the color of his or her eyes. He said it was the same for me right now. The Lord is forming a beautiful gift in the darkness of my being. One day, light will shine on this and I will know more about it. I think his point was I cannot rush God's work within me. I must trust that the "baby" is there and it will be born in the Lord's time and I will know then the details the Lord has been forming within. I thought that was excellent and a perfect and understandable analogy for me.

I told him I loved the idea that formation will take a lifetime because that idea greatly challenges me. I'm one who is results-oriented. This is forcing me to be in the process and not be so concerned as to what will happen in the future. I see how my being concerned about the future leads me to conjecture about what will be and how it will be done...in other words, how it should play out MY way. No, no, no! This is so much better, much more exciting and very challenging for me. I must wait on the Lord. I know, deep within myself, that what the Lord has in store will be way better than what I could ever conjure up.

At the last meeting, the bishop had recommended I read Pope John Paul II's "Vita Consecrata". It is a document on religious life. I loved reading it! In it, I found encouraging words and many ideas I hadn't ever before pondered. I summed up for the bishop some of the things I'd learned from studying it.

I mentioned that I was not very adept at asceticism/self-denial yet and was thinking of putting it into practice in small ways, like giving up things I enjoyed (chocolate came readily to mind!). He shook his head and told me not to do that. He said, if I did that, I would soon be on the road to prideful thinking. "Look how great I am. I'm giving up something!" Instead, he said, be open to the Lord's opportunities. He gave me the example of being delayed by something out of our control when we are on our way to doing something that seems important. We could sit there, being irritated, or we could say yes to God. In other words, I could accept that this event at this time is what God wants, which is contrary to what I want.

No sooner had I gotten back to work at the center after the meeting when I had an opportunity to put into action what the bishop had said about self-denial. Ten minutes before we were going to close for the day, a client of mine came in with her one year old baby. She didn't have anywhere to go for the night and she needed $80 for rent so she could move into a place the next day. My first reaction was typical of me: irritation that I'd have to stay late because I was tired, hungry and I was supposed to teach 2 piano lessons on my way home in a half hour. THEN, I remembered what the bishop had said about self-denial. It was a perfect presentation of what he had taught me and an opportunity to practice it. Immediately, I thanked God for the opportunity to serve Him and started focusing on my client and her needs. Of course, all shelters were full for the night by then. I asked her if she had any family with whom she could stay and she thought of her cousin. I asked her how she could get to her cousin's and she said she didn't know because she didn't have any money. I asked her if she would know how to take the bus to get there and she said she did. I gave her bus money and some apple and pumpkin bread slices that had been left over from the parenting class the day before because, by then, her little daughter was getting fussy. The front desk person who had chosen to stay with me found an umbrella stroller to give her. We waited with her until it was time for her to go out to the bus stop so they wouldn't have to be outside in the cold for long. These were such small offerings compared to the desperation of her situation!

I just know that God wanted to reinforce the bishop's lesson and so He gave me this marvelous opportunity. Not only was it an opportunity to say, "yes, Lord", but it gave me the sight to see before me, in a new and compassionate way, two children of God who needed help. I felt very blessed to be a part of it. And, somehow, my weariness and hunger had abated along the way...On the way home, I thanked God for the warm home in which I would be in a few minutes.

I share these things here because, in them, are many lessons all of us can learn. We are very blessed by the Wisdom of God, brought to us by this bishop who I have no doubt is God's servant.

Let us pray for our archbishops, our bishops and our priests, that they always teach us the Truth. I believe, in large measure, our souls depend on them.

the gift of music

2010-12-13T20:20:00.002-06:00

I have known music in my life, all of my life. One of the earliest memories I have is of my whole family, all excited, coming down to the Twin Cities to buy a stereo. AND, the first record we bought that day was The Lennon Sisters Best Loved Catholic Hymns. (I fell in love with their voices and couldn't wait until Duluth got the channel that had Lawrence Welk on it, which happened years later.) Then, a couple years later, we bought the Sound of Music movie soundtrack when it came out after the movie did. I knew every single song within days. (I played it over and over!) The other precious memory I have is my father, who really could NOT play the piano, playing a most intricate piece, the name of which I will probably never know but I could hum it for you. He played with a great flourish, as if he was the grandest piano player in the world. I loved that so much! I could never quite believe he could "pull it out of his hat" the way he did, given he'd never had a lesson in his life. It was the only thing he could play and it became a gift to me whenever he played it. He also whistled ALL the time. We knew Dad was home by hearing his whistling before we ever saw him come through the door.

It was my father's desire that his children play the piano. To that end, he bought an old upright piano for $25 so that we could all practice on it. And, practice we did! I remember being very irritated one time because Mom made me practice while all my neighborhood friends were running around outside the window, laughing at me and having fun. That half hour seemed to drag on forever! Little did I know what a blessing that discipline would be in my life. It helped me when I was in college and the requirement was to practice 4 hours every day and 8 hours during the months preceding any recital. It's also helped me in many other ways unrelated to playing the piano. By the way, piano lessons cost 75 cents back then. It was well worth every penny!

My sisters, Mary and Pat, and I all eventually made our livings (or at least partially) playing for Church services and masses. My sister Kathy took lessons long enough to be able to play for enjoyment and I don't believe my brother Tom ever took lessons, which now seems odd. Maybe he took for a little while but never became proficient at it.

From the beginning, I loved, loved, loved playing the piano (unless, of course, there was something more exciting going on in the front yard!). And, this skill has brought me so many blessings throughout my life. Playing for Mass is, for me, an opportunity to praise God in the most beautiful and intimate way I can. The blessing of it continues to reverberate within my soul in new ways all the time. The piano is truly the instrument of my soul!

Then, there's the appreciation I have for beautiful music. Bach's Violin Concerto in d minor for Two Violins is probably my most favorite piece of music in the whole world, followed by his violin concertos in a minor and E Major. I drift off into another world whenever I listen to this most heavenly piece!

The older I get, the less I find myself listening to rock, even soft rock, or oldies, as I once did. I'm into classical music or liturgical music much more than ever. These soothe my soul.

I believe it is so important that parents give the gift of music to their children. We now know that music helps the development of the brain in many ways. And, I know it can be a gift that lasts a lifetime because it has been that for me. Sometimes, I wish that I could bring a piano into the pregnancy center to play for our clients and to teach them and their children how to play. I wonder sometimes what the lack of good music is doing to them. In those moments, I thank God for the exquisite blessing of music in my life.

my soul in stillness waits

2010-12-06T22:05:00.003-06:00

Yesterday at Mass, we sang a hymn called "My Soul in Stillness Waits". The refrain goes like this: "For you, O Lord, my soul in stillness waits, truly my hope is in you." The verses are pleas to our Lord to bring us different gifts..."Come light the hearts of all in dark and shadow...Rain down upon our spirits, make us whole, be comfort to our hearts...guide us in our pilgrimage" and more. This year, as we sang, this whole idea resonated within me like it has never done before.

I have been experiencing a complete paradigm shift in my thinking lately. Ordinarily, if I'm awake, I'm running through life, busy, busy, busy. Busyness has always been my modus operandi. I've always been a bundle of energy with a million ideas to execute. Not so, any more. I've slowed down. I've taken to stopping for long periods (long, at least for me!) to listen to what God has to tell me, instead of conjuring up what I want to do next. I'm finally trying to pay attention to God and it feels grrrreat! No longer do I feel the weight of responsibility for whatever it was I was about. Yes, I still feel responsibility but I first heed what it is God has for me to do. My soul, in stillness, waits...and then waits some more. And, guess what? It's working out so much better this way! You may not be surprised about all this but I, the former control freak, certainly am!

Yes, I have times when I think I'm moving very slowly, too slowly...or that God is slow in His messages to me but then the thought "All in God's time" comes to me and I understand that there might be long periods when it seems like nothing is getting done but, in reality, a ton is getting done. It's all an internal process of being loved by God and loving Him more completely. These days, I easily break out in mammoth tears of great joy, praising God for His Wisdom, for His Love, for His timing, for His attention to the details of my life, all of which are perfect. How blessed I am to be loved by such a God as this!

I am beginning to understand how the ability to take vows of poverty, chastity and obedience can be gifts from God. In days gone by, I would not have been able to fathom such a thing. Now, I see that these can free a person to focus solely on God, resulting in pure joy as one continues to grow closer to God. I yearn for Him. This yearning is only satisfied in my relationship with God, most specifically by reception of the Holy Eucharist.

I was babysitting Liam and Ellie this morning from 6 AM to 9 AM. (Yes, the 4:30 alarm was a tad startling!) While I could have stayed with them for another 2 hours before I had to leave for work, there was something more pressing going on in my heart: getting to Mass. A parish in St. Paul offers a 10 AM Mass on weekdays, the only time I could attend today, and I hungered to be there. Now, you KNOW how much I love spending time with my grandchildren. Nothing in my life compares to how awesome it is to be with them. Nothing...except spending time with my dearest Lord and receiving His Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity every day.

For You, oh Lord, my soul in stillness waits, truly my hope is in You. Blessings on your Advent season, dear reader. May your soul wait quietly for our dear Lord. Trust me, wondrous things could happen if it does!

moment of grace

2010-11-29T09:37:00.003-06:00

I find it interesting how God prods me to do different things. Two weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to get back to sleep. I started thinking about one of my daycare families who lives in Kansas. (I did home daycare full time while we lived there.) I got up, realizing it was fruitless to try to sleep when my mind was so active. I went to the computer and started researching. What I discovered was shocking. I found out that the dad, Greg, had died 8 years ago at the age of 42. I kept searching and found his obituary. It said he had died of an automobile accident in Topeka. (They live in Olathe, which is a suburb of Kansas City.) I sat there, praying, grieving, wondering what had happened. He left 4 children. I did some figuring, realizing they had to have been pretty young. The older two, Kaitlyn and Shawn, had to have been 12 and 10, the younger two probably around 6 or 7.

This story really begins the summer before Greg died. I was playing for the 8 AM Mass at St. Lawrence and, afterward, Kathy and Kaitlyn came up to the piano to tell me they were visiting and wondered if we could go out to breakfast. It was such an awesome surprise to see them! What in the world were the chances that Kathy and Kaitlyn would go to Mass at the exact time and place where I was? It was so interesting and definitely not happenstance! That was back in the day when I also played at the Presbyterian church so I didn't have much time in between but we did manage to go for a quick bite and get relatively caught up. I got Kathy's email address with the intention of keeping in touch. However, the week after that, I was again at St. Lawrence practicing for Into the Woods when someone broke into my car and stole the little purse I'd hidden under my seat. Apparently, the strap was showing just enough to clue the thief in about it. With my purse went Kathy's info and I never did anything to write or call her.

Thinking back on that time, there were many things going on around me: my then husband had had an aortic aneurysm and been in intensive care for 28 days, then in a regular hospital room and then rehab, the total time 100 days, before coming home to convalesce more. It was a traumatic time for all of us, our children most especially. My mother died the following January. Then, that February, little 5 year old Matteo was diagnosed with cancer. (Remember, I was with his family and him every day for 9 months until he died.) To say I was a little busy is an understatement! So, now, fast forward to today and, as I sat at my computer, I felt so very badly that I hadn't taken the time to be in contact with them. Perhaps I could have brought a bit of solace.

I looked and looked on the internet for a phone number and address. It looked as though they were still living at the same address but the phone number was not clear. I prayed about what to do. Should I call her, after all this time? As the days went on, it became crystal clear that I had to call her. So, I called the one number that was listed. It was no longer in service. Dead end. Now what? A couple more days went by and suddenly it came to me: I had their phone number in my old address book, right under my nose the entire time! I went back to the computer and went into White Pages where I typed in the number and, voila!, up came Greg's name. Ohhh, what if it wasn't current, given it was in his name??? I couldn't think about it. I called the number. A young girl answered! I asked for Kathy and told her who I was.

We spent the next hour and a half, talking and talking. Kathy told me that she had just been thinking about me. One of her co-workers is pregnant with her second child and she was looking for daycare because her parents have been caring for her first child and they decided it would be too difficult to care for both children. Kathy had told her that, when she was pregnant with her second, she didn't have to worry because I was there, caring for her children. I loved hearing that...maybe she and I were thinking of one another at the exact same time! And, I loved caring for her children. When I told her that I'm discerning religious life, she said she could definitely see that because I've always had a great joy within me. She said I was always smiling at the end of the day when they'd pick their kids up from my house. Part of me didn't want to hang up. What I learned next, however, was so painful, I needed to hang up and process what I'd just heard...

They, all six, had been in their van, driving from Shawn’s soccer game that Mother’s Day morning. They were going back to the motel to play and swim. A deer hit an SUV across the median on the other side and was propelled with the force of a missile into their front window. Greg was killed almost instantly, Kathy rendered unconscious, her left eye dislocated, the left side of her face greatly compromised, Kaitlyn with scratches and everyone else covered in blood and guts. Greg was driving at 70 miles an hour. They're not sure how the car got stopped. Maybe Greg had the presence of mind to put his foot on the brake. The car stopped right before it would have careened over an incline.

Can you imagine 4 little kids, their dad dead, their mother unconscious, in a car with a dead deer? Blessedly, the people who were at the soccer game were coming along behind them and stopped. The rescuers took the 3 youngest to the fire station where they could give them showers. Kathy said it took two showers to get all the carnage off of them. Kaitlyn stayed back, going into adult mode by calling the motel to see who might be staying there from the soccer game and could help. Meanwhile, Kathy was brought by ambulance to the hospital and had gained consciousness. The people there were telling her she had to tell the kids what happened, who, by now, were at the hospital. She asked if she could hold them in her arms when she told them and they told her she couldn't. She said, "Then, we wait for my family to get here."

She told me the funeral was attended by more than a thousand people. They were lined up outside the church and into the field next to it. Many who had been coached by Greg over the years came in uniforms. It was a powerful celebration of Greg's life.

I asked her how she had survived. She said she didn't have a choice; four children were looking to her to see how she would react.

I've thought about what she said about not having a choice. She DID have a choice. She could have given up in despair. She said she'd had to have 4 surgeries on her face in 3 years. Any one of those could have done her in emotionally.

I can tell that she has great faith. She said she asked for a sign that Greg was in heaven. In short order, three came to her. Then, she told Greg that he was still the father and he had to help her raise them. I believe he has, through intercessory prayer. She said she definitely believes in guardian angels because there were things that happened that were out of the ordinary. Because of those, one or more of the kids was spared.

It is interesting how I was not going to be at peace until I called her. The Holy Spirit certainly is insistent! (I've called Him a pest in the past...I no longer think of Him as a pest. I find that these urgings are filled with opportunities for grace and for growing in love and faith and am in complete awe of how He directs me where to go next.) I told Kathy I would like to keep in touch. And, I will.

The one sobering thing I learned was that Kaitlyn just turned 21. That means I'm getting REALLY old...or, wait a sec...maybe I was just really young when I took care of her as a baby!

Regarding this, I have gained a sense of how earthly time is inconsequential. Superficially, it felt like we just picked up where we'd left off. However, it is more than that. I have a sense that my prayers today meant something 8 years ago. Back then, God knew I'd be praying for them now and so they were probably put to good use back then. I wish I could explain this better. I think I understand a little more about Our Lord being past, present and future. This insight makes my requests of the saints to pray for me and my loved ones all the more powerful because, here on earth, we can be a part of the communion of saints from generations before us and generations after us. We are all connected in God's realm. Alleluia!

God answers prayers!

2010-11-21T20:29:00.006-06:00

Prayer is extremely important to me. I think the most important prayer I pray is one of gratitude. I don't seem to be able to stop thanking God for all the blessings He brings to my life. And, He answers prayers in the most powerful ways. Good--no, great--things always come from His handiwork.

Volunteers and the staff at our center are of utmost importance to the work that is done there. Recently, a new executive director called to ask my advice on how to keep volunteers engaged. I told her that I have always thought a large part of my job was to nurture and protect volunteers. I think that has paid off because people have come and stayed for years and years. There is very little turnover.

The first thing I always do is thank every volunteer as they are leaving the center. I am so very grateful for their presence and their willingness to share their talents and time there. They bring gifts that are uniquely theirs and extremely useful for our clients' benefit and they make our organization much stronger as a result. I told my cohort that I take an interest in their lives because I love them and want to know how they are doing. I try to follow up with them about something they told me the next time I see them. Volunteers like to be busy and, blessedly, at our center that is rarely a problem! There are always baby clothes to sort, things to organize, diapers to bag, etc. Special projects come up quite a lot, too.

One thing I've noticed is that, sometimes, the center can become a place of healing for volunteers. A few weeks ago, a woman came in, expressing interest in counseling, telling me she had just graduated with an RN degree and was looking for work. She seemed to have a passion for life. I explained that she would have to go to the TLC training before she could counsel and then she'd have to spend 16 hours observing sessions at the center. She started a couple weeks later and, boy, did she come in like gangbusters! Every volunteer in her wake came to me, expressing how irritated he or she was by her aggressive tactics. I'd never had anything quite like this before! It all came to a head one day when the client services advocate told me her spirit was riled by her presence. I suggested we pray about it. As we did, the thought came into my head that the new volunteer had had an abortion. I wondered what I was supposed to do with that thought! It didn't take long to discover what the answer to THAT was: nothing. I was to let God work and I was to get out of His way. The first thing that happened was she confided in the client services advocate that she'd had an abortion several years ago and she had never dealt with it. Bingo! When the advocate told me, it occurred to me that I must ask her to fill out the volunteer form required by the board of directors. On it was the question "Have you had any experience with abortion?". I wondered how she would answer it. If she answered no, she'd be lying to me. If she answered yes, it would be my in to get her to talk about it. She answered yes and so I asked her to tell me about her experience. It was then that her story came out in a flood of words. It appeared she had many emotional challenges. I told her that I could not allow her to counsel at the center because it was against TLC's policy. Her counseling could cause damage to herself and to our clients, given where she was about her own abortion right now. I told her I wasn't shutting the door to her ever counseling but it was required that she attend a program such as Conquerors or Rachel's Vineyard and come to a healing about her abortion first. I encouraged her to seek individual counseling, too. She got quiet for a bit and told me that, as she looked around at the things I had in my office (i.e. my crucifix, the rotating photos on my computer screen of my grandchildren), she now understood why she'd been called to the center. It was because we were a people of prayer and she knew that I would pray for her. She said it was time for her to deal with her abortion. She said she couldn't stuff it down any longer. It didn't go away no matter how hard she tried to hide it from herself. The next day, she sent me a correspondence she'd had with a Conquerors coordinator about beginning the program. She really was serious about working on this!

I learned a lot that day. One thing that amazed me was the swiftness in which God had answered our prayers regarding this matter. Another was the realization that I did not have the wisdom God imparted within me. It truly was a gift from Him! Also, I learned that I was only one small part of this whole situation. The client advocate had really gotten the ball rolling with her ability to get people to talk to her about very intimate things. I was humbled, as well as in awe of how God had worked. A dear friend of God's had been steered in a direction where healing could take place for her. And, we had all taken part in, and had been privy to, God's way of doing things. Peace had been restored! I marveled at how God protects our center so that good work can continue to be done there.

I am very blessed to be able to work in a place where God is present in such real and beautiful ways!

a child of God

2010-11-14T18:30:00.000-06:00

I am a child of God.
I am a child of God who loves me.
I am a child of God who knows my heart.
I am a child of God who knows I am trying, for His glory, to do only good.
I am a child of God who has waited patiently for my return from sin.
I am a child of God who has forgiven me my trespasses over and over again.
I am a child of God who guards me from temptation.
I am a child of God who gives me courage when it is needed.
I am a child of God who holds my hand through life's difficult moments.
I am a child of God who lives within me.
I am a child of God who refreshes my soul.
I am a child of God who rules with justice.
I am a child of God who keeps His promises to me.
I am a child of God who is wise beyond all understanding.
I am a child of God who imparts His wisdom on His people.
I am a child of God who gives me peace in times of trial.
I am a child of God who sees that I have all that I need.
I am a child of God who blesses me in beautiful ways.
I am a child of God who has taught me to look for joy in all circumstances.
I am a child of God who died a terrible death so that I might live with Him forever.
I am a child of God who is the Way, the Truth and the Life.
I am a child of God and I love Him.
I am a child of God.

lessons on raising children

2010-11-07T15:01:00.003-06:00

This past Wednesday evening, I attended Relevant Radio's Fr. Rocky's talk "Five Virtues Every Parent Should Pass on to Their Children". Here are my notes on the points he made. What he had to say was excellent! I added my own thoughts below, in italics.

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To pass on the Faith to children, fathers and mothers should love one another, their children and their faith.

5 Virtues:

1. Hard Work: Give your children a taste for hard work. Teach them to take care of themselves and of others. (Eventually, they will need to take care of their own children and their parents in old age.) Give them a sense of satisfaction, of participation in life, through working hard. Hard work is a preparation for a strong spiritual life.

I have come to understand that discipline comes from parents teaching their kids to be obedient and to work hard. I think discipline comes out of following this point.

2. Sincerity and honesty: They can grow in sincerity through frequenting the sacrament of Confession. Train children not to feel sorry for themselves.

Children learn to be honest with themselves when they examine their consciences in preparation for Confession. If we teach them to feel sorry for themselves, they will not grow to be unselfish for their focus will always be on themselves. I would add to Fr. Rocky's point that complaining should not be allowed.And, truly, honesty is not the best policy. It's the ONLY policy!

3. Piety: Affection for God. Love for the Blessed Mother, through which we learn of Jesus' humanity. Say the Holy Rosary as a family. The Rosary is a sacramental, not a sacrament, so use it in ways children will get it...begin with one Hail Mary, then one decade, etc. Make Sundays special. Visit the adoration chapel with the children.

I remember, when I was in first grade and at Mass, I longed to be able to receive Holy Communion as the older children were. I believe that time of longing set the stage for my lifelong hunger for the Holy Eucharist and my yearning to be close to God. That desire came from what was happening in my home, where Catholic education, prayer, service to God and spending time with God in adoration were priorities.

4. Poverty: Don't consider anything your own. Try to have nothing superfluous. Don't complain if you're lacking something you need.

To me, this is vital. If we really heed what Jesus asks us to do, we must not concern ourselves with the extra baggage of unneeded things. And, realizing all things come from God and have very little to do with us, we'll get along much better in our lives and we'll be much freer to share our possessions with those who need them. And, in my opinion, complaining just leads to bitterness over what we think we lack.

5. Purity: Parents guide in use of TV, Internet, Radio. Have respect for one another. Definition of modesty: dress in such a way that people want to look at your face, not other parts of your body. That's where true communication happens.

I went to a concert last night that was a benefit for a local pro-life organization. While the performer was entertaining, I spent the entire time trying with concentrated effort to look at her face, not her upper thighs and the areas of her body near her upper thighs. The hemlines on her outfits were there and my eyes kept going there. Blessedly, her clothes did not show any cleavage but the rest was distracting, at least to me. I kept thinking about Fr. Rocky's definition of modesty and i decided this was not it. I kept picturing the performer who is very, very beautiful, in long dresses that would motivate us to look at her face, which is probably the prettiest face I've ever seen in my life. Yet and still...my eyes stayed focused on the area where her hems were unless I consciously moved them to her face. What a shame! If only people understood that their faces are the most interesting thing about themselves, especially when they are singing or saying something they want people to hear. I like Fr. Rocky's definition of modesty. If we all followed it, I believe we'd find ourselves taken much more seriously and respected more.

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Last night after the concert, I met someone whom I have admired from afar for a while. It was such a privilege to finally meet her! It was her son about whom I wrote last spring who was quoted in the local Catholic paper as having only one goal in life and that was to become a saint. Last night, I told his mother that I had great respect for her to have raised a son who, in this culture and day and age, would think like that. She said there was one teacher in particular who had influenced his thinking when he was young and also she had surrounded him with good Catholic families. I think that idea, in part, is the ticket. Parents need to take seriously the environment in which they raise their children. I also believe faith is the greatest gift we can give to our children and THAT begins in our homes.

Before the concert, I took myself out to dinner and found myself seated close to a family that had six children and a mother and a father. What caught my attention first was the dad, in profile, looked exactly like a priest friend of mine (who is now living in Florida). Then, I noticed the kids and started counting! THEN, I noticed the dad was getting after one of his sons who looked to be about 3. He called him Liam, which is my grandson's name. I kept observing. I noticed that the kids were all very well-behaved. Each one seemed to have an opportunity to have a say about whatever it was they were discussing around the table. The father showed affection to the children sitting next to him and to his entire family, in general. I was leaving the restaurant at the same time they were so I made it a point to tell the dad what I'd noticed and that I worked at a pro-life pregnancy center and that it warmed my heart to see such a large family. I thanked him for being open to life. He told me he enjoyed his kids a lot.

As you can see, I had a busy and productive evening last night. I was glad to gain an extra hour for sleep after all that!

a day of great beauty in God's house

2010-10-30T21:28:00.004-05:00

I had the privilege to participate in a Franciscan Brothers of Peace celebration today. Brothers Maximilian and Seraphim made their first vows. The Brothers chose the music and I helped execute it by playing the organ and piano. Brother Conrad played his penny whistle and I accompanied him on "Be Thou My Vision", then the Brothers sang a hymn called "Most High and Glorious God" as preludes. As the Brothers were singing a capella, I ran up to the organ to get ready to play "All Creatures of Our God and King" for the opening procession. (I cautioned Bishop Piché to walk slooooooowly as we were going to be singing all seven verses. His response: "Oh, my!") I had fun playing the organ on that hymn. Because there were so many verses, I had to mix it up quite a bit in terms of registrations. I did NOT want it to sound the same on every verse. I stayed at the organ for the Gloria, as the Brothers had chosen a chant-like version of it and it fit well with a soft organ sound while the congregation sang it. Psalm 25 was sung beautifully by the cantor Amanda Schnabel, who is one of the principle cantors at St. Columba. As always, Bishop Piché's homily was excellent. Then came the vows and the blessing of the rings. It was awesome to witness these dear young men solemnly profess their vows and commitment to God. Their fellow Brothers sang the Offertory hymn "Where Charity and Love Prevail" by themselves with me accompanying them. They always have such a beautiful sound. One can tell they sing together in prayer a lot! The Communion hymn "Jesus, My Lord, My God, My All", a beautiful old hymn, was sung by Amanda and Brother Conrad, with the congregation joining us on the refrain. Amanda sang Schubert's Ave Maria as a Communion meditation. It was absolutely exquisite EXCEPT for the fact that I came in on her first note about a nano-second before her. (This is a horrifying thing for a professional accompanist to do!) Afterward, I kidded that we haven't done any funerals together lately so I was out of practice. (The Ave Maria is ALWAYS requested for funerals!) Amanda graciously told me she hadn't noticed my faux pas. Many, many people approached her after Mass about how lovely she sang, especially the Ave Maria. I was glad I hadn't done any damage...as IF I could with her! She sings like an angel and always rolls with whatever is thrown to her at a moment's notice. As people approached her, I put in a plug for the play she is starring in at the Bloomington Civic Theatre through most of November. She is one of four characters in Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris. I saw it last week and it is awesome! Go see it, if you can, and tell Amanda afterward that I sent you! She'll realize Big Mouth is at it again. I'm her groupie and love to promote whatever play she's in at the moment. (Next up: Into the Woods!) After the Mass, the Brothers hosted a lovely luncheon for all of us at the friary. It was fun to extend the celebrating into their house. They are very gracious hosts!

I was on a natural high the rest of the day. A friend of mine told me she felt great joy emanating from me when she walked into church for the 4:30 Mass and before she could say anything to me. It was true! It is a great honor, a huge blessing, to be in a position to serve God through music during Mass. I always hope all people in the congregation feel the same way and they sing with great gusto and joy, no matter how badly they think their singing is!

As I was observing the Brothers' vows, I thought to myself what a blessing it was to know such holy people as were standing in the sanctuary right then: Brothers Paul, John Mary, Max, Seraphim (Brothers James and Pio were sitting in the lectors' pew off to the side in the sanctuary), His Excellency, Fathers Grabner and Hoang, Deacon Curtan... and nearby were Amanda, Brothers Conrad and Joseph who were the music ministers...others in the congregation whom I know...and not forgetting the legions of angels and saints who were there, too. I realized we were all there, helping one another get to heaven...and the angels and saints were there, rooting us on and praying for us. Isn't that just beautiful?

my acceptance speech

2010-10-23T23:23:00.008-05:00

People have asked me to share with them the speech I gave today in acceptance of the Arthur A. Herkenhoff Award from Catholic Parents Online. Here it is. I always try to be poignant, thought-provoking and funny when I give a speech. In other words, if I make them laugh and cry, I've done my job!

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This award is special to me because I, too, had a father who stood courageously for life--all of his life. He taught his children that people, not things, are important. He would take us on his daily rounds through St. Mary’s Hospital in Duluth. It was his mission every day to visit people he knew and those he didn’t. He would pass out Louis L'Amour western novels that he had found in garage sales or used bookstores. I told him once that women might not like western novels but he just shrugged and kept doing it. Years later, I met a woman who had received one of these books and she told me how much she'd enjoyed reading it. Dad was right. He was ALWAYS right! And, he walked around the abortion clinic in Duluth for years and years, praying the Holy Rosary, entreating women not to go in. And at 80 years old, he was still doing it but it came at great cost to him because of terrible pain due to an infirmity in his feet. Still, he persevered. His example inspires my work at the life care center.

I’ve been blessed to be able to do many things in my life. I will always be grateful because they have been opportunities to grow spiritually. They have also opened doors to meeting wonderful, faith-filled people.

I loved being a participant in new life as I was having and raising my children. Each one of them has taught me unique lessons in love, faith AND a couple of them taught me great patience! And, now, my grandchildren—-my awesome, adorable, magnificent grandchildren!...I doubt I’ve ever known such joy as they bring to me. I tell my daughter-in-law that I TRY to follow the house rules but it’s tough. I have to fight every fiber of my being not to spoil them rotten. I play with them at least one morning every week and one day I brought sugar cookies I’d made and they came running, Nana’s here, Nana...then they saw what was in my hand and cried, “Cookies!” Of course, I gave them each one. Brendan, who was home on vacation that day, chastised me with, “MOTHER, they haven’t had breakfast yet!” I replied, “Oh, Brendan, these are breakfast cookies. Do you want one?” There’s more than one way to get around the parents when you’re the Nana!

To entice whole congregations to pray more fully and sing praises to our dear Lord is my heart’s delight! I think about how the angels surround us at Mass and resolve to always do the very best I can for God’s glory. Now, I’m not perfect at this. An elderly Sister told me that I command people to sing. I told her I didn't think that was necessarily a good thing. I might have to change my approach! AND, I HAVE been known to teach a hymn wrong to entire congregations and have had to re-teach it to them when I realized what I’d done! A lesson in humility! Still, it's awesome to look out into the congregation and see everyone with their hymnals open, ready to sing the next hymn.

Our work at the crisis center can be very challenging. We are fighting a great spiritual war! We work together, we pray together, all to help our clients see the truth about their babies. And, a beautiful thing is men now come to our classes. They, too, want to be good parents.

Recently, a client came for a pg test. It was positive. A few days later, she came in for an ultrasound. A few days after that, the sonographer called her to follow up. Everything seemed fine. She said she had prenatal care lined up. Then, 2 weeks after that, she called after hours and talked with the after hours counselor for an hour, sobbing the entire time. She said everyone in her life wanted her to have an abortion and she just didn’t want to do it. In the end, she promised she wouldn’t have the abortion, which was scheduled the next morning. I called her the next afternoon, praying that she would answer. She did and told me that she had gone to her abortion appointment. She’d walked around for a long time, not going in. Her sister finally told her just to go in, so she did. As she was filling out the paperwork, she knew that she couldn’t go through with it. She walked out and, as soon as she was outside, she looked up and saw a life care center, Highland LifeCare Center. She decided to go in. There, she met with a counselor who told her, as we had, they would help her any way they could. She thanked me for calling and told me she would come in for prenatal classes. I so look forward to meeting her precious child in a few months!

I ask that you pray for us. One Hail Mary each day is all I ask! We need prayer support surrounding us as we fight this battle.

Thank you for this lovely honor. I gratefully accept it for the glory of God. And, I promise I will try very hard to live by the spirit of it all the rest of my life.

an honor

2010-10-14T09:02:00.000-05:00

The other day I received a call from Colleen Perfect, informing me that I am to receive the annual Arthur A. Herkenhoff Award from Catholic Parents Online. It was an honor to hear this news and also disconcerting...

I'm not doing what I'm doing for recognition. When I think about it on a very basic level, I'm doing what I do so I can get to heaven. I long to be with God for all eternity and, with His grace, I try very, very hard to go where He wants me to go. Also, when things like this happen to me, my mind goes right to prideful thinking. My son teased me that soon he'll have to make a trophy room (for all TWO of my awards!) for me. I said, yeah, and the first thing that should go up on the wall is my big head!

I figured out that I must be gracious and accept awards when they come my way, not because I'm so great, but because of what they represent and can teach others. This particular award is in memory of a man who followed God's Will with great joy. He had a final awesome gift from God when he died right at the Consecration at Mass. You can read more about him at: www.catholicparents.org

Colleen asked if I would say a FEW words when I accept the award. I told her she doesn't know what she asks--people who know that I'm going to be speaking bring hooks so they can haul me off stage when I go on and on! Loquacity, after all, is my middle name! She laughed.

Anyway, it's another opportunity to grow in humility. Besides, it will be free advertising for LifeCare Center East and St. Columba...not to mention for grandparents everywhere!

God certainly does bless us during our lives in very beautiful ways!

guardian angels

2010-10-09T19:58:00.008-05:00

Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God's love commits me here...Ever this day be at my side to light and guard, to rule and guide. Amen

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Do you pray this to your guardian angel? Truthfully, I'd forgotten about this prayer until I was with the Sisters in NYC last week. They say it every time they get in the car. It came back to me quickly. It was a favorite prayer of mine in my childhood.

I may have been fairly negligent of my guardian angel over the years but I know this precious angel was not negligent of me. I can look back and know without any doubt who was responsible for keeping me safe many, many times. One time that comes easily to mind was the summer between second and third grades when I almost drowned in the lake at our cabin. A friend of my sister's pulled me to safety. Barb Monsaas. I will never forget her.

Then, there are all the times the guardian angels of my children had to have been working overtime, keeping them safe. One son had a skiing accident, leaving him only with a concussion and a chipped front tooth. It could have been so much worse! (It happened right after Sonny Bono was killed in a skiing accident so you know where MY mind went!) Another son broke the law by threatening a teacher (RIGHT after Colombine). I don't believe he set out to break the law and, at the time, did not really understand what he did was very, very wrong. He was charged with a felony and spent a night in the juvenile detention center. While his father and I waited for his court appearance the next day, I could feel the angels surrounding us. Peace descended on me in a way I never would have thought possible, given the circumstance. My prayer was that justice be served and that my son learn a lesson. Justice WAS served that day. The prosecutor worked to reduce the charge to a misdemeanor because she said he'd never been in trouble before, his parents appeared to be very involved in his life and she felt certain they would never see him again in court. (She was right on all counts.) My son was a changed person after that experience. The night he spent in the detention center was an entire education in itself. He told me that there were kids there whose parents beat them up regularly, whose parents didn't want anything to do with them, who spent years in foster care. He followed me around for days afterward, asking if he could help me. (I wanted to ask him who he was and what had he done with my son! Instead, I just reveled in his kind attitude and thanked God he had learned valuable life lessons.) I, for my part, couldn't stop hugging him! He was sentenced to 60 hours of community service, to be supervised by me. I was so glad he was given a sentence like that. It proved to be character-building, as well as a punishment. And, trust me, I put him through his paces! As a result, he gained much experience in helping others in our community through the varied jobs he had to do. My daughter was in a roll-over accident, due to a friend's driving inexperience and poor judgment and black ice, in which she was not wearing a seat belt. She could have easily been thrown from the car and killed. She sustained a bad cut on her forehead and her back was strained. No one else in the car suffered any injuries, a miracle in itself. I walked around for two weeks, thinking I could have been planning her funeral and rejoicing--REALLY rejoicing--and thanking God that she was alive. (I STILL rejoice and praise God about that, years later!) I considered it a new psych diagnosis: parental post-traumatic stress syndrome. I knew, without doubt, that their angels were watching over all of the girls in the car that night. Too, throughout our lives, there are probably countless near misses of which we are unaware.

Whether we know it or not, our guardian angels are very important in our lives. The Church must think so, too, because they have their own feast day: October 2nd. So, the next time you have a near miss, take a moment to thank your guardian angel for keeping you safe...or just give thanks, out of the blue! I have a feeling our guardian angels appreciate our gratitude, especially when they are forced to work overtime--and even when they're not!

a different sort of week...yet not!

2010-10-01T21:24:00.005-05:00

I spent this past Sunday through Wednesday morning in NYC with the Sisters of Life and then Wednesday, Thursday and today with my son Evan who, at 26, had his tonsils out on Tuesday, and is recovering (very well!) at home now. Evan told me that he probably would have been okay by himself but it was a great comfort for him to have me there with him. (I didn't do what I threatened to do: sit in a chair next to his bed and freak him out every time he woke up with my face next to his, watching him!) It's been a comfort to me, too. I needed to make sure he was taking his medicine and getting as nourished and hydrated as possible. Besides, a mother has to care for her child, no matter how old he is, when something like this happens!

The quiet time with Evan has been a relief from all the activity of my life. While Evan sleeps, I read, pray, contemplate. It has nourished my spirit.

My time with the Sisters was exquisitely beautiful. Mother Agnes Donovan and her Sisters were so welcoming and hospitable! I have never seen a face as Christ-like as Mother's. Kindness, hospitality, humility, love, patience, joy, peace--I don't think these words begin to express what is there. I wanted to stay there in her eyes forever. I can't think of any other way to put it. She generously gave of her time, allowing the easy ability to ask questions and sharing some of the journey the Sisters have undertaken since they began. It hasn't been easy! However, every single Sister I met had the same peaceful, joy-filled countenance. They truly love living their lives for Jesus!

I certainly experienced the rigors of their life as community! The first bell of the day rang at 5 AM as a wake-up call, the second at 5:30 to announce prayer in the chapel. We prayed until 6:45 when Mass was said. 7:30 brought breakfast and then it was off to the duties of the day. 12:15 was mid-day prayer, then lunch, followed by more apostolic work. 5:00 to 6:30, evening prayer. 6:30 dinner, followed by night prayer. Lights out at 9. They pray 4 hours and work 6 hours a day. It is a very disciplined way of life. Their days are encased in prayer, something I found very attractive.

I learned about their postulant and novitiate programs. I spent a bit of time at their retreat center. Due to time restraints, I did NOT visit their maternity home or center, something I told Mother I knew I'd regret when I got home. The consolation is in the realization that I'll just have to go back again!

There was something of happenstance--a priest was there from Melbourne, Australia and he followed along with us. He had accompanied one of his parishioners who was entering the community and he had decided to stay for a while to learn what the Sisters do. He's contemplating a Brother order for life issues. He and I plan to keep in contact via email. I will learn so much from him, as I already have, because he and I are on a very similar path.

One of the best things that came out of the trip was I met a woman named Sue Kennedy from Tyler, Texas. She was there at the same time I was, at the urging of Mother who thought we might have much in common. Little did any of us realize to what extent we would connect! We became fast friends, something I believe will last the rest of our lives. I just kept thinking that I was surrounded by saints in the making there, Sue being one of them. What a blessing it is to know her!

With the blessing and under the direction of her bishop, Sue is beginning a new community in Tyler called the Daughters of Divine Hope. To learn more, please go to the website:

http://www.daughtersofdivinehope.org/mainpage.html

You will find there a wonderful interview with Sue about her life. She is a most remarkable woman! I so loved spending time with her.

I have more to report but it will have to wait for another day when I can clearly state what I will tell you. It's still in contemplative process...and I've learned I must not rush through such things.

In the title of this entry, I stated it was a different sort of week, yet not. The details were different but God's presence was ever visible, as always. I can sum it up by stating that God is always with us, day in and day out. The details may vary but God's presence is the common denominator of our lives and it is very comforting!

Thank you for praying for me. I felt surrounded by prayer this week and continue to do so. It is a great blessing!

traveling

2010-09-25T22:32:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm off to NYC tomorrow to spend 3 days with the Sisters of Life and Mother Agnes. My son will be holding down the fort in my absence. (He's not too thrilled to have to clean out Adeline's litter box while I'm away!) I have a feeling it will be a time of much learning. I will share with you what I learn when I get back.

Please know that all readers of this blog will be in my prayers when I am away. You and I are on quite a journey through this life and it's very beautiful because God is with us every step of the way.

a paradigm shift

2010-09-21T22:32:00.000-05:00

I think I have figured something out. This has come to me as a result of my meeting with the bishop the other day. It's pretty huge: I believe I have to work on turning my thinking in a different direction--a paradigm shift.

As I look back, I am seeing that, for most of my life, my modus operandi has been founded on pride and arrogance. In essence, my way was THE way to do things. I think my attitude was, "OK, here's my idea...let's do it this way and here's how we should do it". I did this even with God. I am GREAT at begging. Ask anyone who volunteers at the center or the people to whom I go to help me with clients' financial needs. I may have a sweet way to beg that gets everyone on board with me but this is not really very good when it comes to doing God's Will.

From now on, my attitude and prayer are going to be, "Lord, I come to do YOUR Will, not mine." And, I am going to try very hard to mean it. After all, there is no room for pride or arrogance on the road to the Kingdom. Naturally, reforming my prideful ways will not be easy but I'm going to try very hard to do it. With God's grace, I will succeed.

It will be a very good thing to work on ridding myself of pride. I have a hunch it will probably take me a while, given I've lived by it for a very long time, but that's OK. Rome wasn't built in a day, y'know!

good news, twice!

2010-09-19T13:26:00.004-05:00

Good news from the trenches~~~

The client of whom I wrote here on August 26th came to her ultrasound appointment this past week. Her boyfriend was with her. She told me she had had her first OB appointment and all looked good. There was no longer any talk of having an abortion. And, her sweet child is growing bigger and bigger! Her boyfriend's eyes were glued to the images and I could tell he was quite enthralled by it all. (She allowed me in for the ultrasound when I asked.) Praise God!

Yesterday, a man came into the center, asking if I remembered him. I told him I recognized his face and asked him to tell me about himself. As soon as he started talking, I said, stop right there. Everything came flooding back to me. Two years ago, he had come into the center and I was his counselor. He had asked me if I knew of a way that a husband could stop his wife from having an abortion. I told him I didn't think there was anything legally he could do but referred him to a well-known pro-life lawyer to make sure. We talked a very long time that day, his agony becoming my agony. What a travesty that fathers have no legal say in whether their children live or die by abortion! He told me his wife was adamant in going through with the abortion and, in fact, she had one scheduled. He was suffering great torment, knowing what she was about to do. I asked him to invite her into the center for an ultrasound. By then, I knew that she was well-educated and so I told him to tell her it was important for her to know everything she could before having the abortion. Well, she DID come in with him that afternoon but she left, still abortion-minded. The next week, the husband and I talked on the phone. He told me she couldn't find anyone to take her to the abortion mill so she'd had to cancel the appointment. That's about where the story ended for me. I had tried to call him a couple times but never got a response so I continued to pray for them and asked others to pray, too.

It's probably not unreasonable that I didn't recognize him at first. He looked like a completely different person. Whereas two years ago, all of the anguish showed in his eyes and on his face and his demeanor was almost one of defeat or despair, yesterday, there was a lightness to him, a joyful energy. It was as if his whole body was smiling because.....They now have a one year old baby girl who is very precious to both her parents and her older brother! Her name is a beautiful one, a gift from her father's heritage. As he showed me photos of her, I wept. I couldn't help it. (It didn't help that he told me I was a special angel for them during those days!) My heart leaped for joy. A little child whose FATHER and mother had come to us had been allowed to live! He told me it hadn't been easy. It had taken several more appointments at the abortion mill for her final decision, once and for all, to have the baby. He said the lawyer told him what I had told him but he had found him to be of great solace to him. He said it had helped to talk with him. At the end of our visit, he promised to bring his children in for me to see. What a glorious day that will be!

After he left, I was thinking about something. A couple years ago, I wondered if I should look for a full time position somewhere so I could get health benefits. My insurance premiums were about to go up to almost $1000 a month and I couldn't afford it but I knew I needed insurance. I applied for different jobs, with not one open door to a new opportunity as a result. Then, I was told about a plan that the State had for people who cannot get insurance through their employers. It cut my premium in half and made it affordable once again. God had worked it all out for me so that I would be able to continue doing what I was doing. I was thinking that, had I been successful in getting other work, I would not have been at the center yesterday and would never have known about this dear child, whose life means so much to me--and to everyone else in this world, come to think of it! I thanked God for showing me the fruit of my labor in this situation. It was an awesome blessing from a most awesome God!

meeting with the bishop: lessons on faith

2010-09-18T07:05:00.002-05:00

This week, I met with Bishop Piché. As was the case in my first meeting with him, it was filled with blessings and many lessons given from a very wise and (I believe) holy man. Over the course of these meetings, he is gently, yet firmly, steering me to think in ways that are much more conducive to completely living one's life with God. I am always amazed at what I learn from him!

At the beginning of our meeting, I got a little teary-eyed, as did he, when I told him just what his ordination had meant to me. I said that I had the impression that he hadn't vied for the job and was happy doing what he had been doing but, amid all the grand pomp and circumstance, he was standing up in a very public way and saying "Yes, Lord, I will do Your Will". In that moment, he was a shepherd to us, or at least to me, and calling me to say yes to our dear Lord, too. I could tell he was touched by my words but he joked by saying he didn't feel like much of a shepherd that day, given he was being told where to stand, where to sit, when to do this, when to do that.

I told him the best advice anyone had ever given me was when he told me at our last meeting that I am to look only to today, not into the future, to ask what God wants of me. I told him I ask every morning what God is wanting of me that day and I see his dear face in my head. He shook his head and said that was unfortunate because he always feels blessed that he is wearing that face so he doesn't have to look at it all the time. I thought that was cute. He certainly does have a sense of humor!

Of course, we then got down to business and delved into just what I was doing. He told me I should not be thinking in terms of forming a new community. That would be putting the cart before the horse. Out of my relationship with God, this may or may not happen but it MUST come out of my relationship with God. He said God was giving me a gift and the IDEA of forming a community was merely the gift wrap. He said the most important part of a gift is not the wrapping, it's the relationship between giver and receiver. I told him I understood. And, I do...I've come to see that doing God's work today and the next and the next may or may not lead to a community. Only God knows the big picture and, as long as I keep doing His Will today, it won't matter if it's formed or not in my life time. What will matter is that I will have done my part to further God's Kingdom here on earth.

He affirmed several things that I am doing right but the most important thing he did was challenge me to think in new ways so as to grow, to change, to love God more fully. I so appreciated that! Affirmations are nice but challenges are better, for how else will I grow in faith?

I've come to see more clearly that I cannot be in charge of my life. I think I've spent a large part of my life, thinking I was. The bishop and I talked about how obedience to God is the foundation of everything. I told him I give great lip service to obedience. Historically, I spent many years being a disobedient child. And, now I can give 80 or 90% toward obedience but I'm working on giving 100%. I truly believe I must be "all in" if my life is to mean anything.

At the end, he asked me to get "something on the books" for 6 to 8 weeks from now. In my head, I was thinking "Yikes!" because I have so very much work to do between now and then to prepare for that meeting. (He gave me a lot to think about and to do!) However, I was humbled by the fact that he was open to meeting with me again.

Afterward, I was thinking about how God has been preparing me for this time in my life. I started my journey toward obedience years ago. The Holy Spirit incited something within me, to wake me up, to call me to change long ago. It's just now that it's becoming clearer to me what this all is about: my journey through life, with God at the helm.

I am very blessed to be the student of such wise lessons. What a gift our bishop is to us in this archdiocese!

a sweet story

2010-09-11T21:40:00.003-05:00

The other day, I was called to play for an evening funeral service at St. Lawrence. I was told the family could not afford to pay any musicians. Of course, I said yes. I've always felt pro bono work was important to do under this kind of circumstance. And, too, it's a corporal work of mercy to bury the dead and a spiritual work of mercy to pray for the dead which, to me, seemed like a more important issue. (I like doing works of mercy.) The secretary wondered if I knew of a cantor who might be available.

I thought of Frances, who is 12 years old and has been cantoring weekend masses for a year. I talked with her mother when I called. Her mother told me she was saying yes for Frances who was in school at the time. (She joked that Frances could smack her afterward!) Frances called me later and we agreed to meet and practice at least the one hymn she didn't know. We practiced that night for about a half hour. She easily learned the hymn and we went over the other hymns she would be singing, too.

As we were walking out of church, I thanked her for doing this. She said a girl friend had asked her to go to a dance at another school the night of the funeral and she'd decided that she'd rather sing for a funeral (her first time singing for one) because someone had died and it was a big deal to sing for someone's funeral. I could tell she was deeply touched to be asked to sing for it and that it meant something to her to honor the life of a person, even someone she didn't know.

I had a feeling the Holy Spirit was involved in all this. When I told the brother of the deceased that Frances would be singing, he was so happy. He said that, when he'd told his brothers and sisters that a young girl might be singing, they had gotten all excited because their sister had loved her nieces and nephews so much and they knew that she would have loved that Frances would sing for her funeral.

When we arrived at the church, people were coming up to Frances, saying they'd heard about her beautiful singing. (Hmmm...People must have really believed me when I had told them about her!) Father was very gracious and welcoming to her, explaining the order of the service, and joking a bit with her.

Frances sang her little heart out. It was utterly exquisite and she did everything she was asked to do, even traversing across the sanctuary, stopping to bow before the altar, to the ambo where she sang the Psalm. She told me she does it when she sings for her school's masses so it didn't seem to phase her.

Afterward, I asked her if she'd been nervous (making sure to tell her that she hadn't sounded nervous at all). She said, no, but she'd had a couple moments, first when she started to sing, seeing all the eyes looking at her, and then when she was singing and everyone was crying. She said it was an odd thing to be the only one not crying.

As we were walking to my car and talking about how it had gone, she asked what we were going to do next. Was I going to take her home? It seemed as though she was really asking if we could spend more time together in the excitement of having done something she'd never done before. I asked her if she wanted to go for supper or ice cream. She said, "Oh, ice cream!" As I started backing out of the parking spot, I noticed in my rear view mirror a woman running toward the car. She caught up to us and said she hadn't noticed that we'd left and wanted to give us something. She handed us 2 envelopes. She thanked us for the beautiful music and left. We ripped open our envelopes and each of us found $50 cash. Frances got all excited and I got all excited, too, reveling in her excitement! After a minute, she said something about how we hadn't read our notes, that it was rude that we didn't. I laughed and said she was right and we read the kind expressions of gratitude from the family.

We had a very nice time, over ice cream, telling one another about different things in our lives. I cautioned her to never ever lose her generosity of spirit because, when she becomes a professional, there will be times in her life when people will need her to sing for a Mass and she must respond generously and without thought of getting paid. She agreed. For me, it was a sacred time, spent in the presence of a child of great faith. It was a gift from God!

A few months ago, I happened to go to daily Mass at the parish where Frances attends school. I noticed that it was the children's weekly Mass and that Frances would be cantoring. I was utterly amazed when Frances started singing, leading the congregation, without accompaniment. It was just Frances' pure, sweet voice, strong and without fear. It was something I will never forget! She told me afterward that the accompanist was sick that day and so she just sang. I told her that I had wished that I'd known...and that she'd known...I was going to be there because I would have accompanied her but, then, as I was listening to her singing, I realized it wouldn't have been nearly as beautiful. Her willingness to share her gift like that and to be able to experience it was a moment of sheer beauty.

Just think if her parents had been of the ilk to abort her. How cold the world would have been without her compassion, her singing, her gentle caring for strangers! And, then, we must think about all the people who have NOT been allowed to live. Don't you wonder about the people and their talents that all of us are missing right now? I do. I can't help it. This particular effect of abortion is so devastating, we cannot even comprehend it.

However, these thoughts do not negate the joy that is brought to us whenever we encounter someone like Frances. And, we can have hope for the future of our world whenever we do. It is a blessing for me to know Frances!

the cost of following Jesus

2010-09-07T10:50:00.000-05:00

Sunday's Gospel from St. Luke brought great challenge to me and I continue to reflect on its message and figure out how to heed it in my life. Jesus tells us we must renounce all our possessions to follow Him. We must hate those we love and even our own lives. We must carry our crosses and follow Him. These are not easy things to hear or to do...at least they aren't for me.

In his homily on Sunday, Father Bill at the Sisters of the Good Shepherd talked about St. Thomas More. He said St. Thomas lived this Gospel passage. Indeed, when Henry VIII tried to force him to renounce his faith, he stood firm. He knew what he would lose by standing firm in faith: his life, his wife, his four children, his friends. He was imprisoned in the Tower of London and beheaded by order of Henry VIII. He lost everything to follow Jesus. And, from all accounts, he did it willingly and joyfully. It doesn't appear that he ever had any doubt or second thoughts about what he was doing. He lost his earthly life for the Truth and found eternal life with Our Lord and all the saints and angels. Eternal bliss!

I just finished reading the book The Prison Angel. It tells the story of Mother Antonia, the founder of the Eudists Servants of the Eleventh Hour. She is a modern day example of doing what Jesus asks of us. She turned away from a life of luxury and her life with her children, grandchildren and other family members to follow the urging Jesus placed in her heart. She traveled to Tijuana, Mexico to live in a tiny prison cell, sleeping on a cot, in order to help the inmates and their families, as well as guards. In her 30 years there, she has stopped prison riots, she has helped reconcile souls with God, she has given practical care to countless people and more. In short, she follows Our Lord by carrying her cross, by leaving all behind, by renouncing all personal earthly possessions. Every single day, in every way, she says yes to the Lord's call. And she does it in harsh and many times dangerous circumstances.

These stories help me to see that it IS possible to do all that Jesus asks. If I listen to and obey His call for me today and then tomorrow and then the next day...until the day I die, I will have helped to promote the Kingdom of God here on earth in the small ways that I am capable of doing. I may not know the big picture or the results of my efforts but God does. I pray that my efforts will not be in vain but rather to truly build the Kingdom of God. In this light, I gladly embrace the sufferings and persecutions along the way and, if I am called to be martyred for the Faith one day, so be it. I pray I will go joyfully, singing praise to the One Whom I will meet at the end of my days here on earth. There is no more exciting a thought to me than the prospect of being with Jesus forever. I know that, to get there, I must pick up my cross, turn away from all the enticements the world has to offer and leave behind those whom I love and give myself completely to God Who loves me beyond measure and will never, ever forsake me. How blessed I am!

a miracle story

2010-08-26T21:44:00.012-05:00

A beautiful young woman came into the center as I was sitting at the front desk today. She told me she had an abortion scheduled for next Tuesday but wanted some information first. She was worried that she might have an ectopic pregnancy because she had had some cramping on her side. We talked about how far along she thought she might be (9 weeks). I asked if she'd had an ultrasound and she said they would do one at Regions Hospital, where her abortion was scheduled to be done. I told her, yes, from what I'd been told, I thought they would do an ultrasound but they wouldn't let her see her baby on it. I asked her if she knew anything about abortion. She said she did, a little. I told her what I knew to be true--that it's not the easy fix one would think, that women tell me over and over that they will never get over it. They think about their dead baby all the time, if it was a boy or girl, what he or she would have looked like, etc. I told her about the women who came to me, 20 years after their abortions. All I did was ask a simple question of them: How did that experience go for you? And, both immediately burst into tears. I said it never goes away. I told her that I thought it was because abortion asks a woman to do something that is against her natural instinct. Our instinct is to protect our children. Abortion asks us to kill them. I told her how, in an abortion at 9 weeks (which is what she conjectured she was), the vacuum breaks apart the baby's arms and legs to get them out and then the abortionist has to do an inventory of the baby's parts, making sure none is left behind in the mother so she won't bleed to death. She seemed to recoil at that. I told her there is a very real probability that she will miscarry succeeding pregnancies and even the possibility that she may never have another child. She listened very intently, urging me to continue by the questions she asked.

She told me about her life. She has a young daughter. Her daughter's father doesn't have anything to do with them so she feels pretty alone. Her new boyfriend had told her he would support this baby. She said it's hard raising a child alone and she felt ashamed at having a second child when she wasn't married and at her age. (She is in her early 20's.) I told her she'd feel even more shame if she aborted her child and she'd be feeling it all alone because it would be difficult to talk about with anyone.

Granted, I did a lot of talking, which I normally don't do (it's usually much, much better to draw the client out and get her talking so that she can work through things), but she was very receptive and interested in what I was telling her. I wanted so much to impart all the information she needed so she wouldn't go through with the abortion! Blessedly, her demeanor changed to a peacefulness as I finished. She said she thought she would cancel the appointment.

As it happened, she came in right as Ione, the sonographer, was finishing with her fourth and last scheduled ultrasound of the day. I quietly introduced her to Ione, explaining a little of what she'd told me, with the woman adding more detail. I asked Ione if she'd be willing to stay a bit to do an ultrasound for her. She said she just had to make a quick call home and then she could do it. Her mother was waiting to be driven home 90 miles away; her husband was waiting to go with them. Sometimes this work becomes a family affair!

I asked if I could go in to see the ultrasound and the client said I could. Her cousin, who had been the one to talk her into coming into the center, had come in by then, carrying her little one year old son. The cousin expressed delight that Ione was there. Ione had done an ultrasound on HER baby (yes, the very one she was now holding!) and she had been hoping she'd still be there. I went into my office and called two close friends, asking them to pray. They both said they would right away. I sat for a moment, praying and crying. I gathered myself together and knocked on the door...

As Ione was doing the ultrasound with the abdominal probe, she realized that the baby was probably not even 6 weeks along so she asked if she could use the vaginal probe, explaining that she would get a much better picture with it. As soon as she did, she found the baby's heartbeat as clear as can be. Of course, Ione has shown me many over the years to the point I could see it, too--and I made it known how exciting it was to see what we were seeing! (The thing is I ALWAYS get excited about seeing a baby's heart beating!) The client saw it then, too. Ione said the baby measured 5 weeks 5 days. She said she probably wouldn't be able to get a heart rate because it was so small but, guess what? She did! 112 beats per minute, a normal rate at that stage of development.

You have to understand. Our ultrasound machine should not, at least technically speaking, be able to depict a heart beat at 5 weeks 5 days and it definitely should not be able to register a heart rate. Ione has a theory. She thinks that, when a woman is abortion-minded, her baby senses he or she is in danger and, against all odds, pops out to make his or her presence known. She also believes, as I do, that the Holy Spirit takes a very active role in the whole process. Today was no exception! And, the mother cried, seeing her baby's heart beating away, strong as can be.

There was one very beautiful moment when Ione asked her if she'd convinced her of the baby. The client answered, "God has convinced me."

After I left the room, there was more paperwork to be done. Ione said to the client, "On the sheet here, it asks me to write your intention for this pregnancy. What should I put?" The client told her she was going to cancel the abortion appointment and she was going to parent.

We offered her an opportunity to have another ultrasound in 3 weeks so she would be able to see more of the baby. She made an appointment, saying she was going to bring her boyfriend with her next time. She gave me back the booklet, "Before You Decide" which talks about all options and gives details about how abortion is done. She said, "I won't be needing this one." My heart leaped for joy with that! She left the center, looking very peaceful and telling us she would be back for the ultrasound.

After she left, Ione showed me what the client had written on her intake sheet (which, in all the initial uproar, I'd forgotten to have her fill out but remembered later and had slipped it to Ione while they were doing paperwork). I cried as I read, "Thank you so much for the talk. It really blessed my heart. God bless you all."

As I sat, praying and crying and thanking God after everyone had left, I thought, "All in a day's work!" I had just witnessed the working of the Holy Spirit in a most awesome way. It was a great honor!

a beautiful prayer

2010-08-20T06:51:00.001-05:00

The following was in the Magnificat on Wednesday. It is a prayer that resides in my heart (but it isn't quite so eloquent there!). My bishop's advice to me was correct: focus only on what God wants of you today. Last week, I decided to spend time every single day before the Blessed Sacrament (other than around Mass time). Many obstacles came my way to provide convenient excuses NOT to do it. When I figured out what was happening, I reminded myself that there are 24 hour adoration chapels everywhere I go: Blessed Sacrament Church, 2 blocks up from my work, St. John the Baptist, 5 minutes from my home, St. Columba, halfway between work (or anywhere else I go in St. Paul) and home, St. Charles Borromeo in Minneapolis when I'm over there for piano lessons. (If you live here, please know there are many more around, too...Epiphany in Coon Rapids, for one.) So, I said to myself, tell me again why you can't make it in for a mere 5 minutes (if you're THAT exhausted that you can't spend more time...) to thank God for all the blessings He has given you or ask what He has in mind for your work today? Truly, there was no excuse good enough. I started on Wednesday.

Anyway, here's the prayer. It's very beautiful.

+ + + + +

The Prayer of the Workers Hired Late
By Elisabeth Leseur (+1914), a French married laywoman whose cause for canonization is underway.

To love, to be unpretentious, to simplify my life--to go joyfully to God, seeking nothing for myself, in complete abandonment.

Never to lose sight of the intentions for which God wants me to pray, to suffer, and to act. In the midst of exterior activities and my obligations, to keep my inner attention fixed on God, to offer everything for those I love, for those Jesus desires, for the Church.

To be always ready to obey the inner call of this gentle Jesus to action or to suffering, or to eternity, too, when he wills, and to reply always with joy and generosity, "Here I am, Lord, ready to do your will." The day will come, will it not, O God, when it will be your will that I come to you, when the darkness and the sorrows shall vanish, and the burden of the body will no longer weigh on me, when my soul will fly at last, freely to your beauty, to plunge itself into your holiness, to drink in your love. When I have been delivered, I will love inexpressibly in you all those I will have rejoined, and those I will have left here below, when the true life will finally begin, to last forever. Blessed dawn of eternity, I greet you, not knowing whether from near or far! I must not hope for you because my only wish is to do God's will "in life or in death.' I know that I must first climb up to Calvary and hang upon the cross before knowing union with God; I know that I possess, and hope to possess still more here below, this union through the grace of God, in a great spirit of abandonment. I wait and, like the worker who does not know when he or she will receive the final reward, I want in the meantime to fulfill my responsibilities radiantly and peacefully solely for the love of him who has done everything for me.

life lessons

2010-08-15T19:52:00.004-05:00

One of the things I've always thought I should be is true to myself. While I like the idea of being true to myself--what does that really mean? If I'm being completely honest, that seems like a selfish concept and one that could very possibly cause others hurt. The thing to which I should aspire is to be true to God, to be true to and live in the Truth because, being true to myself could very possibly mean giving into my sinful nature. Instead, why not just take myself and my self-centeredness out of the way for God to work in me and through me?

I am always under the erroneous assumption that everyone will come along with me or will agree with me or will see it my way...Talk about self-aggrandizement at its finest! I forget that others are not in the same place I am and, if I don't explain myself well, how can they understand or agree with me? And, maybe they aren’t meant to agree with me and MAYBE they are much further along on their journey to the Kingdom than I am...and that’s okay. I will use the experience as a way to learn more about holiness.

I HAVE been searching for Truth (yes, with a capital T) for many years now. I want to find God, know Him, love Him, obey Him, serve Him. My search, unwittingly enough, began when I was in college. I was working through a deep hurt inflicted upon me by someone I had held dear to my heart and I was in great pain over it. On recommendation of one of my professors, I sought help from a very wise psychologist. He and I worked for almost 6 months, trying to unearth what I was feeling. I’d had no clue when we began. He told me mine was one of the most challenging cases he'd experienced but he had hope we'd get to the bottom of it all. And, we did. Essentially, he taught me how to give myself permission to feel and how to express those feelings constructively. He gave me what seems a great gift that has lasted a lifetime. On the other hand, perhaps it gave me permission to focus too much on myself.

Fast forward many years to the time after my separation when I was again seeking to know God more fully. Another person came into my life and showed me how to find the Truth in Catholic teachings, doctrine and dogma. It, too, was a great gift. I hadn't known where to begin before we met.

Today, I'm trying very hard to live by the Truth but I fall short at times and hurt people. I'm not always the most diplomatic or they aren't ready to hear the truth or they don't want to hear it from me or I’m not patient enough...lots of reasons, some of which are a result of my faults and flaws and some could be the other person's flaws or deep-seated hurts inflicted upon him or her before he or she met me. For whatever reason, it all goes awry, leaving me to ponder how I could have done better and resolving to do something different in the future. And, maybe, just maybe, my "being true to myself" got in the way or I wasn't being completely truthful with myself.

I keep working at being less self-centered. I keep asking the Holy Spirit to intervene when I'm not doing a good job of it. I frequent Confession so God's grace will shine through in challenging situations. I never want to hurt someone but I can’t read others’ minds or know all the hurt they carry around with them so it might be unavoidable at times. However, during those times, I also must look within myself to find my culpability for the hurt and see that I still have a long, long way to go to be true to God. When I accidentally touch a nerve or the selfish part of me gets in the way, I resolve to do better. After all, how can we help one another get to heaven when there’s hurt or misunderstanding between us?

I am very blessed to have at the present time several wise and holy counselors. Every one of them brings lessons I must learn to grow closer to God. Some are difficult to hear or to learn. After all, it’s not easy facing oneself and one’s faults and sins! However, I embrace these teachers and their lessons because they are helping me in my pursuit of holiness by showing me the truth. Now, if I could just put their lessons into practice better...

where does the time go?

2010-08-06T22:33:00.003-05:00

I am considering re-prioritizing the way I use time. Ever since I turned 50 time seems to have sped up as though it is a whirling vortex and I am in the center of it. I move through the day, going from one thing to the next, hardly taking a breath, until I arrive home to my cat loudly meowing her discontent at having been left all alone for 12 or more hours. (I tell her I can feel her pain!) I know what's missing: consistent time every day before Our Lord in His house. Yes, I go to daily Mass and I offer little prayers, almost nonstop, as I go about my business but it's not the same. I don't stop and focus entirely on Him for any length of time. I don't listen intently for any length of time to what He would like to tell me.

I had the privilege to go to Confession and attend morning Mass at Transfiguration Church on this, the feast of the Transfiguration, today. The entire time, from the moment I entered the building until I left, was grace-filled. First, I went to Confession. I ALWAYS feel better afterward and today was no exception. At the end of my face-to-face Confession, I introduced myself to the new pastor and told him I was the director of LifeCare Center East. He was so gracious! He said he'd heard so much about me and the center and would like to meet me for coffee soon to talk about how the parish could support us even more than they already are. I felt buoyed by his generous and hospitable spirit!

Next, I discovered that the pastor has instituted an hour of adoration before the Blessed Sacrament before daily Mass. I'd wished I'd come a half hour earlier. What a treasure this was for my heart! What a blessing this was for my weary spirit!

Mass was very beautiful. We sang an opening and closing hymn. Whenever this happens at daily Mass, there comes a second when I wish I'd known ahead of time so I could volunteer to accompany. However, this passes quickly because there is something very lovely about a congregation singing a capella and SOMETIMES I must rest from the duty of leading music at Mass. (Last week, for example, I played for at least one Mass every single day, except Wednesday: Sunday--1 Mass at St. Columba, 1 Mass at the Sisters', Monday--funeral at St. Columba, Tuesday--morning Mass at the Sisters', Thursday--morning Mass at the Sisters, funeral at St. Columba, Friday--funeral at the Sisters, Saturday--evening anticipatory Mass at St. Columba, Sunday--2 masses, one at St. Columba, one at the Sisters'.) Father intoned the Kyrie, then led us in the (spoken) Gloria. He taught us a little about Mount Tabor in his homily, which made me wish I could go there one day. He also said he hoped that, five years from now, the parish would have many vocations to the priesthood come out of it. His goal is to welcome more and more people to the parish and to get to know every single parishioner by name within the next year. I can tell this man is not one to be idle!

One of my favorite parts was when everyone knelt at the Consecration. Historically, the people at this parish have stood and it has always bothered me. Kneeling at the Consecration is a sign of reverence and respect for Our Lord's great sacrifice for us. I believe we should be kneeling! In the latest issue of The Catholic Spirit, our local Catholic paper, our archbishop addresses this very well: http://thecatholicspirit.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=4112&Itemid=108

I walked out of the church, feeling as though I was floating to my car. I took myself out to breakfast at a little locally owned diner to continue the celebration of this most beautiful feast day and thought about all that I'd been given in one short hour. I was overwhelmed by God's goodness!

a death

2010-07-29T22:16:00.006-05:00

I was called the other day to plan the music for and play at a funeral for a man who had died. Here is his obituary, published yesterday in the local St. Paul newspaper:

William A. Trautner
Age 87, of St. Paul Passed Away July 25, 2010 Preceded in death by his parents, Nicholas and Mathilda Trautner; sisters, Frances Mary Trautner and Margaret Trautner. Survived by nephew, Thomas Trautner. Mass of Christian Burial 10AM Thursday, July 29 with visitation from 9-10AM at THE CHURCH OF ST. COLUMBA, 1327 Lafond Ave. at Hamline, St. Paul. Burial at Resurrection Cemetery in Mendota Heights.

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I had been told that there would probably be no one at the funeral. I was surprised, then, when, as I drove up to the church, I noticed several people standing outside the church. It took me a few minutes to realize they were all workers from the funeral home and would be acting as pall bearers.

When I arrived inside the church, about a half hour before Mass was to begin, there was no one in the church. The open casket, adorned with a gigantic bouquet of flowers and made of very expensive looking wood, was in the back. I walked back to the casket to say a little prayer. I noticed William was all dressed up and looking rather dapper for a dead guy! I had a passing thought: why did they go to the trouble of doing all that and have the casket open when no one would be there? The answer came: because every life has dignity and he had been cared for as any human being in death deserved. I thought it was beautiful and in great contrast to the little babies who had been murdered in their mothers' wombs and whose bodies had been thrown in the trash. (My work at LifeCare Center East seems to always infiltrate at moments like this.) Here was a body that had been treated with dignity, carefully embalmed and dressed with great care.

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For the past three days, I have spent much time thinking about this whole thing. When I was told that Father, the sacristan/server (Mike), the sacristan/reader (Peggy) and the two of us musicians (Krista and I) might be the only people who would be in attendance, I thought about how sad it would be that no one would be there praying for William so I started planning the most beautiful music I could think of and inviting people to the funeral. I told them it would be a spiritual work of mercy (praying for the dead) to be there and explaining that I had been told he left no relatives (except a nephew in CA) or friends. However, that wasn't quite true, as I discovered when I read the obituary. Three people had signed his guest book. Here are their entries:

July 29, 2010
Nice, nice gentleman. It was an honor knowing Bill. Jean

July 28, 2010
I remember Bill, very nice guy. Sorry to hear of your lost, but I know hes in a better place with the rest.

Theresa IPC,
St. Paul, Minnesota

July 28, 2010
Bill it was great being your friend...I will miss you Paul

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In total, besides the 5 of us and the 8 funeral home people, 10 people attended the funeral: three women whom none of us knew (were they his caretakers in his last years of life? I wish now I'd asked them!), one man from the parish whose name I should know, two women (Mary and Francine) who had spent the previous hour in the adoration chapel and noticed there was no one coming to the funeral so THEY came, the parish administrator (Cindy), one Franciscan Brother of Peace (Brother Seraphim) and two young women (Hannah and Theresa) who had responded to my plea on Face Book to be there.

It was so beautiful! People participated fully in the Mass, Krista sang her heart out, the readings were uplifting--all in honor of a man few of us knew. I could feel everyone praying for him. It was very powerful!

+ + + + +

I wonder what William's life was like. How did he spend his "dash"--you know, the dash that is on the tombstone between the date of birth and the date of death. The dash represents all the time between the two dates. What I know to be true is that those years were unique to William because he was the only one who lived them. I also know that his life meant something, especially to God.

The Church teaches us to pray for those who have died. What if no one prayed for William? Of course, when I heard about his death, I had no idea if his deceased relatives were praying for him but it seemed very important that people still alive should pray for him at his resurrection Mass. And, they did!

After today, I doubt I will ever think about death the same way again. I can tell you one thing. I have lost my irrational fear of dying alone, with no one to mourn my passing, no one to attend my funeral Mass. The important thing is how I am spending my "dash" and what I will leave behind as a living legacy dwelling within people who have crossed my path throughout my life--a legacy of love, if I successfully live my life. I have a hunch William left that and more.

meditation of the day

2010-07-23T20:44:00.003-05:00

Here's something I read in the Magnificat for this past Wednesday. It was a reflection on Matthew 13:1-9, the Gospel for that day. It's by Brother Lawrence of the Resurrection (+1691), a French Carmelite friar. It's entitled "How to Produce the Hundredfold". It has much food for thought, if you ask me!

"We must keep our eyes fixed on God in everything we say, do, or undertake. Our goal is to be the most perfect adorers of God in this life as we hope to be throughout all eternity. We must make a firm resolution to overcome, with God's grace, all the difficulties inherent in the spiritual life.

When we undertake the spiritual life we must seriously consider who we are, recognizing that we are worthy of all scorn, unworthy of the name Christian, and subject to all kinds of miseries, and a multitude of setbacks. These disturb us and make our health, our moods, our inner dispositions, and their outward manifestations changeable; in all, we are persons God wants to humble by means of a multitude of internal and external troubles and trials.

We must believe that it is advantageous for us and pleasing to God to sacrifice ourselves to him; that it is normal for his divine providence to abandon us to all sorts of trials, miseries, and temptations for the love of God and for as long as He likes. Without this submission of heart and mind to the will of God, devotion and perfection cannot endure.

A soul depends on grace in proportion to its desire for greater perfection. God's help is necessary at every moment because without it the soul can do nothing. The world, nature, and the devil together wage war so fiercely and so relentlessly that, without this special help and this humble, necessary dependence, they would carry off the soul against its will. This seems contrary to nature, but grace finds pleasure and peace therein."

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Ever since I met with Mother Mary Clare of the Handmaids of the Heart of Jesus on Tuesday, for the past two days, I have come under attack by the devil. There have been huge temptations to think, feel and do things that I wouldn't have thought possible. Oh, it was all very sly on Satan's part. He seemed to be using my natural inclination toward pride. Today, I am doing better but it is ONLY by God's grace that this is so. I find a small consolation in the thought that, if the evil one is trying this hard to derail my effort to submit to God's will in all things, perhaps I'm on the right track. I don't think he'd bother if he didn't see my effort as good. Oh, how I despise him! I am not going to give him any credence by saying much more here.

I know that I must always keep my eyes fixed on my dear Lord. The thing is I can talk well on this but...do I honestly DO this every moment of my life? My sins are so great! However, my hope, my faith lies in God who is ever merciful and forgiving of me, always ready to help me get up and try again. Yesterday, I wanted to give it all up, run away and hide. (Yes, it's true. The trouble was I couldn't run away from myself.) Today, after hearing the readings at Mass, I am at peace. Here are the readings: Jeremiah 3:14-17, Jeremiah 31:10-13 and Matthew 13:18-23. In them, God promises to protect us, to bring us to Him and that, through our faith in Him, we will bear much fruit. Look them up and you'll see what I mean.

How blessed we are to know, love and serve such a gracious God! Forgive me if I've said this before but I cannot stop saying it. It will be as true tomorrow and the next day and the next as it is today. The sufferings we endure in this life are opportunities for us to seek God. He's always there, waiting for us, wanting us to be with Him. These thoughts helped carry me through the past two days. It wasn't easy because I am certainly not perfect (and I didn't know what I was up against at first, which is how insidious Satan and his temptations are) but I knew that God was with me. After all, He promised he would be.

a moment of grace

2010-07-11T17:32:00.001-05:00

Today, the bishop came to celebrate Mass with us at St. Columba. The entire thing was beautiful. He gave a most thought-provoking homily on who our neighbors really are. The church was packed. The Vietnamese choir and our choir shared the music duties. The first reading and the psalm were spoken and sung in Vietnamese. This is the weekend of the parish festival and so the bishop made the rounds afterward, stopping to visit with everyone.

Something very personal happened at Mass. I wasn't playing during Communion (the Vietnamese were singing) so I had an opportunity to join the congregational procession. (I usually receive with the altar servers in the sanctuary before I begin playing the Communion hymn.) I was excited when I figured out I could go through the first pew and receive Holy Communion from the bishop. (I LOVE receiving from bishops!) Well, I forgot that Dolores, who always sits in the front pew, stays put because of her infirmities and inability to walk fast. (I think I surprised her by my sudden appearance right next to her!) Holy Communion comes to her...and so I was stopped, dead in my tracks, to stand next to her. A second of resentment flashed through me and then it seems the Holy Spirit got hold of me. Deacon Tom came over and brought Holy Communion to both of us as we stood, side by side. Then, an Extraordinary Minister came over with the Precious Blood. As I reflected on the moment as I prayed right after, I realized what a blessing God had given to me to receive Holy Communion with Dolores who is ALWAYS alone in the pew and who smiles at me encouragingly as I play for Mass. (She is in my vision as I sit at the piano.) After Mass, I went over to talk with her. She told me she had had the same exact reaction--that the moment became very special to her, too! I said, at that moment, I was thankful for her infirmity because it had become a moment of grace, a humbling moment, in my life. She was very touched that it had meant so much to me because, she said, it had meant a lot to her, too.

From this, I figured out that it doesn't matter from whom we receive Our Lord, just as long as we receive Him. I told this story to the bishop after Mass and he said we might think the donkey was pretty special, carrying Our Lord into Jerusalem, but it didn't matter which donkey it was, as long as Jesus was brought there. I asked, in mock horror, if he was equating Deacon Tom with a donkey. He said, "No, no, of course not!" (I think he was a little horrified that I'd come up with that analogy!) I thought it was appropriate, though, for him to say what he did because what I really saw was that it doesn't matter the mode in which we receive Jesus, as long as we do.

more on suffering

2010-07-10T07:51:00.000-05:00

I just received this in today's email. It's good!

+ + + +

Lessons in Suffering

In suffering we are tempted to lose hope and faith in the Lord’s love and in His desire for our eternal life with Him. But that same suffering can teach us, if we let it, to turn to God and place our hope and trust in Him.

— from Safely Through the Storm

repercussion of obedience to the Church

2010-07-10T07:35:00.001-05:00

I am beginning to understand a little about Jesus' warning in Luke 12:

51
"Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division.
52
From now on a household of five will be divided, three against two and two against three;
53
a father will be divided against his son and a son against his father, a mother against her daughter and a daughter against her mother, a mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law."

+ + + + + +

He was right (as per usual!). His coming did not bring peace. It brought division between believers and non-believers. I am seeing that there can be a great divide between those who do not choose to follow Him and those who choose to follow Him.

Some of my beloved have turned their backs on me when they discovered I am trying very hard to be obedient to ALL the Catholic Church teachings, not just the ones with which I agree. (Trust me, this kind of obedience has been a great challenge for me at times.) This is especially true of some of my friends and family who are living in gay or lesbian relationships. It doesn't seem to matter that I have never ever expressed judgment regarding their lives to them. (I haven't, nor would I ever.) They've heard through the grapevine that I've decided to follow the Church and that's enough for them to apparently consider me the enemy. It makes me wonder of what they are afraid. Do they think I'd try to live their lives for them? Good grief, I have enough trouble living my own life! Are they afraid they might discover something that they don't want to face? One friend, after listening to me tell my story, proclaimed I was proselytizing and he didn't want anything to do with me. He didn't understand that, when I talk about my life, my story ALWAYS involves God. I had no intention of proselytizing in reporting to him the events of my life from my perspective. It was just me being me! It made me wonder how tolerant HE is of people who think differently than he does.

What I have come to understand is that none of us are in the same place when it comes to spiritual matters. Essentially, we walk that road alone. By this, I don't mean without God because He is always with us, but without other human beings walking the same exact path. And, we must respect this. It doesn't mean we always like what others do. It doesn't mean that we don't have a responsibility to help them to see the truth. It does mean we must love one another. It always comes down to love, doesn't it? And, that is a beautiful thing!

torment, part 2

2010-06-30T20:22:00.001-05:00

One of the hugest torments about this situation for me is that the people involved will not be allowed to receive Holy Communion once they go through with the civil wedding. Do they understand what they will be missing? Do they think so little of Our Lord that they would turn their backs on His precious Gift of Himself? If they think they CAN receive Him under the circumstances, they must not know that it's considered a mortal sin for them to do so. The bottom line is they will fail to receive any of the graces of the Sacrament. Too, they won't receive any grace in their pseudo-marriage because it will not be a sacrament. These are such sad thoughts for me.

torment

2010-06-30T17:18:00.006-05:00

Lately, I have been agonizing over something and still have come to no solid conclusion about it. Whenever I see someone about to commit what the Church would consider a mortal sin or he or she is, in fact, doing something that is considered by the the Church (objectively) to be a mortal sin, I am stymied as to how to react. After all, who am I, a great sinner, to be pointing out others' sins?

The Church teaches that there are three conditions that must be met in order for a sin to be mortal. They are: it has to be grave matter, it has to be committed with full knowledge of the sinner and it has to be committed with deliberate consent of the sinner. It's not difficult to see if something is grave matter or not. The 10 commandments are one source that can guide us--the Church teachings and our consciences are others. The second two are more difficult to see from the outside (me) looking in (the other person). How do I know for certain that he or she has full knowledge that it is a sin? How do I know if he or she is willfully doing it?

If a person does not know something is a sin and I do, isn't it my responsibility to teach him or her that it is? Ultimately, wouldn't it be on my shoulders if I failed to show someone the way to God, if I had an opportunity to do so but didn't?

Then, in today's world, what I hear most of all is "don't judge" as if that's a terrible sin. Shouldn't we judge one another's actions either good or bad, so that, if necessary, we can help one another get back on track? I think it's our responsibility TO judge, in this light! The fact is all of our actions are either good or bad.

There can be terrible widespread effects of sin, especially if that sin is made public. The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) teaches:

1868 Sin is a personal act. Moreover, we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them:

—by participating directly and voluntarily in them;

—by ordering, advising, praising, or approving them;

—by not disclosing or not hindering them when we have an obligation to do so;

—by protecting evil-doers (no. 1868, original emphasis).

2284 Scandal is an attitude or behavior which leads another to do evil. The person who gives scandal becomes his neighbor’s tempter. He damages virtue and integrity; he may even draw his brother into spiritual death. Scandal is a grave offense if by deed or omission another is deliberately led into a grave offense.

2287 Anyone who uses the power at his disposal in such a way that it leads others to do wrong becomes guilty of scandal and responsible for the evil that he has directly or indirectly encouraged. ‘Temptations to sin are sure to come; but woe to him by whom they come!’ (Lk. 17:1)

I have a friend who is about to commit adultery in a public way. She and her "fiance" are both considered married in the eyes of the Church. Neither has applied for an annulment, nor do they have plans to do so. They are planning to be married in a civil ceremony in her sister's backyard by a local county judge next month. The Church considers this a sin. This is from the CCC:

"Fornication and adultery are mortal sins. Those who persist in these sins endanger their salvation. They violate the Sixth Commandment (CCC, nos. 2331-2400). Living together before marriage is fornication (CCC, no. 2353). Subsequent marriage of the couple does not blot out the sins they already committed, nor does the wedding itself necessarily change their attitudes or habits toward chastity and purity. Divorce and remarriage is an act of adultery, regardless of whether the "spouses" are Catholic or not (cf. Mk. 10:10-12; CCC, no. 2384). For a Catholic who marries outside the Church, the Church does not recognize the marriage, and the union is considered adulterous (Code of Canon Law, canon 1108). [1] No one should promote fornication or adultery."

I keep coming back to an analogy. If I saw someone walking in the direction of a huge forest fire, would it not be my responsibility to warn him and advise him to change directions so he wouldn't get burned? This seems to be the same thing. If I see someone walking away from God, should I not warn him? The fires of hell are way more terrible than a forest fire. A forest fire is temporary; hell is for all eternity.

What is my responsibility in this particular situation? After praying about it for a long while and before I knew the wedding was imminent, I had encouraged my friend to look into applying for an annulment. Apparently, she rejected that idea. Then, when her sister told me she is getting married in HER backyard and a judge, a "dear friend" of hers, is presiding over it, I was beside myself with grief. Not only is her sister about to publicly turn her back on the Church by proclaiming her adultery, she is aiding it by hosting the event!

What I've seen in situations like this is it causes great scandal. People present or people hearing about it think it's not a sin because someone else did it. Pretty soon, there is no consideration of any sin involved! If we look at society, we can see this has been true, over and over. What the Church teaches is that, if we cause scandal, we are helping others commit sin and we will be held accountable.

So, now, what do I do? Can I figure these people know the truth but are rejecting it? After all, it's their choice to accept it or reject it. It is not my job to interfere with anyone's free will. On the other hand, shouldn't I warn them of the folly of these actions? They are risking their souls.

This is very painful for me on many levels. I continue to pray...and know that God is watching over us. I pray for His mercy on us all and that these dear people will reconsider before it's too late.

dealing with the truth

2010-06-26T12:58:00.002-05:00

One question I've been contemplating this week is how do we deal with the truth? In different times in my life, I've ignored it, I've denied it, I've thought it was interesting but didn't think it had much to do with me and I've made up my own version of the truth. Most recently, I've been trying very hard to embrace and live in it...and always tell it.

I ignored the truth when I didn't want to do what it would require of me. For example, when I was married I contracepted (much to my deep shame now) because I didn't want any more children at that point. How arrogant! How selfish! How ignorant! Little did I know that, in ignoring the truth, I missed out, the world missed out, in the huge blessings of the presence of the children I could have had. Granted, I may not have had other children but, given how I'd had 4 children in 5 and a half years, I doubt very much that would have been the case. One could say my selfish action changed our family in ways only God knows how.

I denied the truth when my sister was dying. That was probably a psychological defense mechanism against the terrible pain of losing her but nonetheless it was not me being very accepting of the truth. I've denied Christ, the Truth, in other ways, too, that involve other people. My denying the truth in those situations did no one any good.

Seeing the truth but believing it had no basis in the reality of my life is an interesting phenomenon, too. How many times have I passed by someone by the side of the road, begging for a few dollars, only to turn the other way? The cynic in me figured he was a fraud...but, what if he wasn't? Won't I have to answer to God about that? Do I REALLY want to take the chance that I might have denied Christ in those moments?

I also went through a period where I thought everything I did was good. It didn't matter if it was objectively considered a mortal sin or caused harm in a small way...If I deemed it good, it was good. Relativism was alive and well in me! I think, for many years, in my own mind, I could do no wrong. I had found a way to twist things around to make them seem so very good when, in reality, they were very, very bad.

All of these are but a few examples of the violence I did against the truth in my life. I've learned from my experience that we must guard the truth as if it was a precious jewel because it truly does lead us closer to God. We must live in the Truth!

These days, I try very hard to see the truth and to live by it, no matter how painful. There is great joy to be found in living in, and being obedient to, the Truth (God!) and I want to accept whatever comes my way via the truth for I know it is the way to eternal happiness.

In essence, I believe Jesus when He said: "If you remain in my word, you will truly be my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:31-32) Amen, my dearest Lord!

more on God's generosity

2010-06-15T06:03:00.000-05:00

There is another angle to our acceptance of God's generosity and that is we must allow others to do things for us--and not feel guilty about it, not let our pride stand in the way of it happening AND by being very grateful about it. In the process of receiving and of giving, the receiver and the giver have an opportunity to experience the graciousness of God in humble and loving ways.

After I separated from my husband, a dear friend of mine, who knew my situation, wrote me a very kind note, enclosing a $100 gift certificate to the local grocery store. She said she didn't know how else to help me but wanted to do something. It warmed my heart, even though I felt a bit uneasy accepting something so generous from her. I realized I needed to accept it, not necessarily because I needed the monetary assistance (which maybe I did...I wasn't exactly not eating but I had quite a lot of debt I was struggling to pay off at the time) but because it was an opportunity for her to give of herself for the glory of God. She's always told me that she's been very blessed financially and I know she looks for ways to help others. To rob her of that opportunity would not have been right. And, it made me realize that I DID need help in many ways. It became a lesson in humility for me.

We must not let our pride get in the way of others helping us in ways that we really do need because, in those experiences, we allow the Holy Spirit to do His work and we just may be helping others gain heaven as a result.

God provides

2010-06-13T20:44:00.008-05:00

One thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt and have learned through experience is that God always provides for my financial needs. I began to understand it a little when I was first home full time after my eldest child was born. We were living on one income and things were tight. There was one instance I remember that we had $30 left until the next paycheck came in 10 days later. A call came from my parish, asking if I would play for a funeral which meant I'd earn $60 a couple days later. It would hold us in food until payday!

This sort of thing has happened over and over during my life. At one point, I had been playing for a Presbyterian church for about 10 years and, one Sunday, as I was playing a hymn, I paid attention to the words and realized they went against what the Catholic Church teaches. I knew then that I had to stop playing there. I was nervous about losing the $320 a month I was paid but I decided I HAD to quit, given it would be sinful for me if I didn't. After I quit, I asked God to send me enough added income to cover this amount. The next month and for 3 months after that, I was called to sub at different parishes, or a funeral or wedding would come up unexpectedly, all totaling at least $350 each month! Then, I was offered a job playing for weekday Mass at a monastery twice a week. I was amazed because I'd never heard of any parish or convent ever paying a musician to play for daily Mass. It was as if God was saying, well you go to daily Mass so you COULD play while you are there...very little extra time needed. (Part of my job was to plan the music ahead of time.) And, guess what? It totaled $360 a month. I suspected God must have grown weary of my begging Him each month to replace the $320 and had decided I needed a permanent job to cover it (plus a little more) so He wouldn't have to listen to it any more!

When I was first divorced, I was scared I wouldn't be able to make a living. I was working part time at different things but I needed more income. I started praying about it. Then, out of the blue, the parish administrator at St. Columba called and asked me if I might be interested in applying for the music director position that had just come open. They had remembered me from a few months earlier when I played for my friend Father James' Luke Live! retreat there. I found this interesting because, 6 months before, they had had an ad on the Archdiocesan job line and I'd decided NOT to apply because I didn't think I was qualified to do the job. I'd only directed small choirs along the way but nothing very formal and, after all, I was an accompanist and felt much more confident at the piano than with a baton in my hand. However, I figured this had to be an answer to prayer and, if God thought I could do the job, then I'd best take it. Well, it turned out that I LOVE the job and can honestly say, for the most part, I feel pretty competent at it. (I do have my moments, though...) The best part is I, as the music director, HAVE to play the piano and I have a paid section leader in the choir who loves to direct whenever I need both a conductor and an accompanist. (It is just so beautiful!) I share these stories because I think they are all part of our learning that God is very generous when it comes to our needs being met. And, we don't always understand that it's not anything we do...It's all God's doing. We can sometimes think it was us doing great things when it wasn't us at all. Our pride can stand in the way of being thankful. We must accept God's gracious generosity (as shown through the talents He gives us and the outright gifts He bestows on us) humbly and gratefully.

I learned this lesson from a corporate angle, too. When the pregnancy center was trying to buy a clinic property a few years ago, we needed $100,000 for the down payment in 8 weeks' time in order to be able to afford the monthly payments. We received it in 6 weeks' time through unbelievably generous gifts! (I will tell you this miracle story one day soon.) It truly was amazing and spoke of the awesome faith of the board of directors. I learned so much from them during that time!

The bottom line: God is so generous in providing for our every need.

purity of heart

2010-06-07T15:11:00.001-05:00

To be sure, my apparent calling to the religious life has brought some interesting spiritual growth opportunities. One is a strong and powerful desire to live the rest of my life purely. When this came to me, I tried to decipher what that really means. This was not about sexual purity. That whole piece has been largely settled for me and it's not foundational as to what I am about, in terms of purity. I'm talking about pure love...love of God, love of others, love of myself.

Love of God...offering my entire life to the glory of God, doing His will, praying, praying, praying, loving Him with my whole heart and soul. Yet...there's more: spending every second concentrating on loving Him with no thought toward sin. The purity comes with the no sin idea. Do we really understand that, in order to get to heaven, we must not have any mortal sins on our souls when we die? In this age of relativism, people so easily say that God will forgive them--He understands. How many times have I heard that from women who are about to murder their unborn children? While He may be merciful, it's the sin of presumption to think that way. If we know it is a sin we are about to commit, we must not do it. It seems arrogant to presume BEFORE we commit the sin that God will forgive us. I don't want to do that in any way.

Love of others...being of service to those who need what I can give them, walking beside them in their life journey, if even for just a little while, telling them the truth, giving them my time, my focus, my energy, praying for them. How can I help souls get to heaven? The answer to that question should be the foundation of the new community and it begins now within me.

Love of self...how can I take better care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially? To me, my spiritual life is the most important. The sacraments, prayer, readings...all are parts of it.

Great, great blessings are to be found in all of this...and, one beautiful thing is that 3 other women are interested in joining the community, one of whom has had the dream of forming this community for over 7 years. She and I just met in person last week and it feels as though we've been sisters all our lives! The sense I have is that, individually, we have been doing good work but together we will do much more powerful work for the glory of God. I will learn so much from her! And, all of us are planning to get together regularly to pray, to share, to plan. I know that, within those gatherings, will be much rejoicing. The community--new life--has begun!

ps to yesterday

2010-05-31T05:20:00.000-05:00

I decided to just go to the Hegeles with my cookies and the Rosary and ask Steve to make a list of things they need at the grocery store and then I'd go buy them. It turned out to be the right decision but it didn't happen the way I was expecting. When I got there, his daughter Jessica answered the door, saying "Moo!" I responded back, "Moo", thinking THAT was a very interesting greeting, and asked if she was a cow. She said she had drawn a cow on her leg and then showed it to me. Of course, I gave it proper attention and, by then, Steve's mother came to the door and introduced herself. She said Steve was gone to buy pizza but would be back soon. I told her why I was there and handed her my offerings. She said her husband and she had gone to the grocery store on their way there and so they really didn't need anything right then. We talked for several minutes about how they were all doing and, as I was about to leave, Steve, his father, Ellen and (I think) Will arrived. She gave my things back to me and said she wanted me to give them to Steve myself. So, I did. It became a very holy moment, as Steve and I stood in his driveway, talking, crying, hugging. I told him about Mary and what I'd experienced after her death. We found ourselves relating to one another's story. I got him to laugh a little. (You know me!) It felt good to be there with him and he seemed to appreciate my visit, too.

As I drove away, I marveled at the Holy Spirit. Certainly, He had been stirring something in me earlier because I knew I wasn't going to rest until I'd brought the Rosary and cookies to them. And, in the end, it seemed to me that God had been very present there with us, showing me how to bring a tiny bit of solace to a family that is grieving terribly. What a privilege it is to be able to answer God's call in this way!

a beautiful celebration of a life well-lived

2010-05-30T17:46:00.001-05:00

Angie Hegele died a week ago this past Friday. She was the woman I told you about in my entry on January 3rd. Sister Marilyn told me when I arrived to play for Mass on Sunday morning. I immediately offered up my playing for her and her family and then sat, stunned, throughout Mass, deeply saddened, deeply engrossed. (I didn't miss any cues to play, though!) I didn't even know her and yet I felt immensely close to her.

I found her obituary in the Sunday paper when I got home and then found her caringbridge website (caringbridge.com/visit/angiehegele) and started reading. As I've continued to read it throughout this week, I have come to understand the power of true love between a husband and a wife and God's ever present hand in a marriage devoted to Him. The entries, mostly written by her husband Steve, are heartrending but also uplifting and spiritual growth opportunities for the reader. He lays his emotions out honestly and one can't help but enter into the story, frustrated not to be able to read fast enough but always walking away, knowing you just witnessed the presence of God in this family.

I knew I HAD to attend the funeral. It was scheduled to be on Monday at 6 PM. I also knew I had to work at the life care center until 6. The staff and I worked out a way I could leave at 5:15 UNTIL a couple came in at 5:10, asking for a pregnancy test and I was the only one available at that moment to do it. The woman was contemplating an abortion, the man opposed to her doing that. It was an arduous session but, in the end, I think the woman saw that abortion would not be a good solution to her problems. When we finished, it was 5:50 and I figured I had about a half hour drive, maybe 40 minutes. I would be late but, at least, I'd be there. As I drove, I realized that there was very little traffic going my way, a strange phenomenon, considering all the road construction with resulting detours and I should have been in the throes of rush hour traffic at that time. I arrived at 6:07, getting into a pew (in the back...the place was almost standing room only with a reported 1000 people there!) as the first reading was being read at 6:10.

What happened next was a thing of great beauty. The readings from Wisdom and the Beatitudes were perfect. The Gifts were brought up by her husband and four small children (Ellen, 2; William,7; Jessica, 9 and John, 11...I know their names now) in a solemn procession. Their friend Father Dale gave a touching homily. The song at the Preparation of Gifts was a contemplative "I Can Only Imagine". Holy Communion was a congregation hymn "You are Mine" and after Communion, the children's choir sang a very touching (everyone was crying by the end) Hail, Mary, Gentle Woman. (Angie's favorite prayer was the Hail Mary.) And, then came the eulogy by Angie's husband. It was the most powerful eulogy I've ever heard (and, believe me, I've heard many, due to my profession as a funeral accompanist). It was filled with love. Through it all, his/their faith was center stage. As always happens after I listen to eulogies, I left, wishing I had known her. Then, I thought about how I DO know her, the same way I know the saints. I will ask her to pray for me. A bond with her was created in that moment.

Out of my prayer for her family this week came the desire to do something for them. I knew they are surrounded by friends and family but maybe, just maybe, there was something I could do that was unique and might bring comfort in some small way. Then, it came to me. I had bought a Rosary for myself the week Angie died that was made from real roses. Its fragrance is so beautiful! I had it blessed by Fr. Leo at the Sisters' last Thursday. I knew the Hail Mary was Angie's favorite prayer. I could give that to Steve! So, today I decided I was going to bake Snickerdoodles for the kids and take them and the Rosary over to their house. My imagination ran a little wild because I thought I could stop at the store and get milk...fruit...crackers and cheese...cereal. Then, I realized that I didn't know what kind of milk or fruit or cereal they liked. Maybe I'll just bring the cookies (which I made this afternoon) and the Rosary, although fruit and milk WOULD be nice additions. We'll see, as I drive over there, where the Holy Spirit leads me on all this!

I've been thinking about their grieving. I remember, after Mary died, waking up in the middle of the night with what was probably an anxiety attack, thinking that I'd never see her again. (The dark of night did NOT help.) However, when I was fully awake, I was able to talk myself out of thinking that way, realizing that I really would see her again. My faith told me so. I wonder if Steve is experiencing this. Maybe I'm meant to go there to help him in his grieving by offering an opportunity to talk.

The world is certainly filled with great pain...I pray that I can be a comfort to those who come into my life and are suffering, that they won't lose faith in the Resurrection.

on the eve of Pentecost

2010-05-22T21:21:00.003-05:00

I have come to understand that being present at Mass calls for action, not for merely sitting and waiting to be entertained. It's not about being entertained. It's not about what we can get out of it. It's about what we're doing to praise God during the re-presentation of His most Holy Sacrifice, the one in which He died a horrific death for our sins because He loved (loves) us so much, the depth of which we can't even wrap our minds around.

Tonight, I had the great privilege to work with two wonderful musicians at the Pentecost vigil Mass. Something very, very beautiful happened among us! I prayed that the congregation felt it, too, and would join in our prayer, and I think they did in a very big way. I had asked John and Krista if they'd be willing to sing "By the Waking of Our Hearts" by Fr. Ricky Manalo as a duet for the prelude. That's where it all began. The three of us were like one voice but with distinct parts. It reminded me of the Trinity, but in human terms and only within my limited understanding. Then, we sang a beautiful hymn for the opening by David Haas, called "Send Us Your Spirit". I could tell people were really singing! Then, the Sprinkling Rite and the Gloria. (We/I took the Gloria at warp speed...I think it was an adrenalin rush...or maybe a Holy Spirit rush! Even, I, the speed demon of church hymnody, was sort of amazed how it took off! The whole congregation seemed to be keeping up through the entire thing.) The Psalm, number 104, "Lord, Send Out Your Spirit" became a hymn of unity as the two cantors sang the verses in unison, with the congregation joining their song for the refrain. We sang/played the Pentecost Sequence that Fr. Manalo wrote, which is a very, very beautiful piece. It has two cantor parts and then the congregation and choir come in for the Gospel Acclamation. (I was getting goose bumps through it all and was afraid I wouldn't be able to play!) "Praise the Spirit in Creation" became a contemplative prayer during the Preparation of the Gifts. I realized, too late, that I needed to program a second hymn during that time, due to Father incensing the altar and the gift bearers taking longer than usual to process up to the altar. Tomorrow, we will sing "Come, Holy Ghost" as a second hymn. There should be an easy transition into it as it is in the same key as the first and has the same kind of feel to it, plus all the older folks will enjoy singing it, as it is a hymn from their youth. (I guess I'm in that bracket, too, given it was part of my youth!) The Communion hymn was "We Are Many Parts...we are all one body and the gifts we have, we are given to share." What a perfect hymn for God's call on this Pentecost to go out and share His love to all the world! And, then, the final hymn: "Veni, Sancte Spiritus" from the Taizé Community. It has an ostinato refrain in Latin...congregation and choir keep singing it over and over as the cantor sings verses from the Sequence over it. Talk about powerful! John told me afterward that Father told him that that was sung at his ordination and he loved it very much. And, I pray that the people who were there, sitting in the pews, were not looking to be entertained but rather were there, participating in the prayers and the music and listening closely to the Word and Father's homily. It seems to me that engaging in all those things could make the reception of Holy Communion be something so internally profound that a person couldn't help but be changed by the experience. That's how it felt for me tonight as I walked (floated!) out the door of the church.

This experience made me think of the apostles living behind locked doors, when suddenly Jesus came to them, saying: "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you." Then, He breathed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit." I wonder what they thought. Did they break out in song together, the way we do at Mass? Was the Holy Spirit breathing new life into their songs, lifting their spirits so they could leave the room, renewed in faith, resolved to take His love out into the world? Did the Holy Spirit bestow on them His gifts of Wisdom, Understanding, Counsel, Fortitude, Knowledge, Piety and Fear of the Lord? I have a strong suspicion He did! And, I always pray He will give them to me as I go out the door of the church after Mass and that I will be infused with the Spirit of Love.

We are very blessed to be loved by such a Holy Spirit!

being true to God

2010-05-18T09:47:00.002-05:00

Recently, a volunteer at the center asked me to contribute to a cause the mission of which runs counter to Catholic teaching. I had checked it out online and discovered that there is a link under "Parent Education" that tells parents how to teach their children about "safe sex"--condoms being one way. Also, it touts masturbation as a good thing. The underlying message is sex outside of marriage is a good thing, a fact of life, a way of life for everyone. She got very angry with me when I told her that, in good conscience, I could not support this endeavor because of its messages. (To be fair, it does do some good work out in the community, too.) She said she supports things with which she doesn't agree if a loved one or friend asks her to do so. Besides, she said, she doesn't agree with everything LifeCare Center East stands for, like abstinence only education. She threatened to go find some other pro-life organization to support that best fits her true self.

I'm mulling over how to respond to her. Actually, I've been praying intensely about it. There are several things about her reaction that are troublesome. First, is she really using blackmail by saying she's going to have to go elsewhere with her support to coerce me into supporting the organization? Why would she want me to do something that is against my conscience AND, more specifically, against HER Church teaching? That seems unfair at best and immoral at the worst. And, now that the truth about her thinking has come out, what do I, as the executive director of LCCE, do with it? Should I tell her she's no longer welcome to volunteer where she doesn't agree with all of our work (not just the feel good social service of contributing/giving out material goods to the poor, which is what I think she's supported). My fear is she will tell our clients that sex outside of marriage, contraception, masturbation, etc. are just fine. That message would be harmful to our clients, as well as contrary to what we are about as an organization (not to mention it is not the truth which is what the Catholic Church teaches). My last two thoughts here are the most important. I can deal with blackmail. I can deal with her tempting me to sin (by trying to get me to support something evil) because I see through her manipulations. However, I don't believe I can risk someone steering our clients into sin. As Christians, we are called to do ONLY good...That is our mission at LifeCare Center East, too. If I allow her to represent the center, I run the risk that harm will be done to our clients. For the sake of her soul, I must say something to her. She may or may not take it well. She may not want to hear the truth. So be it. I still must remind her, as gently as possible, what the truth is regarding this matter. It will be challenging. It won't be fun. However, for the sake of souls (hers, mine and our clients), I must do it. Pray for me; pray for this person.

I do wonder where she'll find a pro-life organization within which the people think abstinence isn't the best thing to teach. I, myself, don't know of any. Anything other than abstinence before marriage and sex within marriage only is not life-giving or pro-life.

number one goal: to be a saint

2010-05-10T09:36:00.001-05:00

In the latest issue of the local Catholic paper, several graduating seniors from high school were interviewed. They all gave thoughtful answers to the questions they were asked. One who stood out, though, was Andrew. Here is one question he was asked: "What are the top three things that you hope to accomplish in your life?" His answer: "The number one thing I would like to accomplish in my life is to become a saint. I think that encompasses everything I would like to achieve in my life." This was a perfect response!

In the Baltimore Catechism: "Why did God make you? A. God made me to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him forever in the next." What I have figured out is the only way to be happy with Him forever is to become a saint. Andrew was addressing our purpose here on earth: to become a saint. Knowing what I know of his family and him, he wasn't just saying this because it sounded good. I believe he said this because he really is working on his sainthood.

Young people like Andrew give me great hope for the future of humanity. When I think back on my life, I know that I didn't think about sainthood for a large part of my life. I thought about doing good and trying to be happy in this life. I never exactly abandoned my faith but I chose to ignore aspects of it now and again. The saddest part for me today is realizing that, when I raised my children, I wasn't focused on sainthood...theirs or mine or their father's. I wanted them to be kind, independent, loving, happy adults--all fine but secular values. If I could only go back and do it again, I would tell them the only goal worth anything in this life is to become a saint. Sainthood encompasses all that Jesus asked of us: to love God above all others and to love one another. In Mark 12:30-31, Jesus said: "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." I know without a doubt that, if we follow these commands, we would be saints.

The thing is we make it so complicated! Do we really put God above all else in our lives? Do we even know what true love is? Many times we confuse love with infatuation, a feeling or it has a sexual connotation to it. We must get back to the idea that love is the unselfish giving of ourselves for the good of the other person. It's an action word!

I pray for my children and their father everyday. I pray their choices in life will bring them closer to sainthood. I ask the saints and angels to pray with me for them. And, I thank God for giving this world people like Andrew, spiritual leaders in their own ways, people of faith who are witnesses to God's great love for each of us. All of us are very blessed to have such examples which to emulate.

Let us pray for each other's sainthood journey!

doing God's will

2010-05-04T22:51:00.001-05:00

When I met with him, the bishop told me I must focus on what God is asking of me today, not 10 years from now. This advice has been resounding within me ever since. How does one figure out what God's will is? One way I know is to be still and listen to the voice within. Too, He will tell us in our meanderings through our day. Prayer is one of the most important ways to know what God wants. And, then, what about action? I know that doing good is God's will but what is doing good? Keeping the 10 Commandments? Helping someone out? How do we know, at every given moment in our lives, that we are doing good? Brother Paul exhorted me to "just do good". That's another heavy idea! If we just do good, no matter how small, we will accomplish great things in the world. I think the bottom line is love: love God, love one another. So, if we can define true love, we will know God's will and we will do good. I always want to do good, don't you?

Today I had an opportunity to be interviewed on Relevant Radio, a Catholic radio station, about our work at the life care centers. Here is the link, if you'd like to hear it: http://www.relevantradio.com/Page.aspx?pid=1232

It was a great honor for me to do this. Any time I can help get the word out that women do NOT have to feel they must have abortions but can have hope in life, I will do it.

When I wake up in the morning, I never know exactly what lies ahead for that day, in terms of what I will be asked by God to do. It's always interesting and usually quite exciting!

chastity

2010-04-28T07:07:00.002-05:00

It is my belief that our world has lost the conviction (definition) of chastity. No longer do we consider it an important value in our lives; no longer do we consider it a part of who we are. If we are to be true followers of our God, we must get back to it, we must embrace the very idea of it--bottom line: we must BE chaste. To do otherwise is not God's will for our lives.

This is not an easy proposition for those of us baby boomers who came of age in the '60s and '70s when flower power, free love and the idea of "if it feels good, do it" came upon us like a tidal wave. To be sure, the Pill brought forth a torrent of sex, just for the fun of it. And, we taught our children the same...or at least neglected to teach them the truth.

I know so many who have sex before they even think about any kind of permanent commitment to one another. "Sexual freedom" isn't all that uncommon any more. Even people who say they are Catholic are committing adulterous acts and calling them good. They live openly together; they talk about it openly. There doesn't seem to be any shame or guilt about it. Sex outside of marriage is commonplace.

If we truly are to fulfill our purpose here on earth, we must not allow ourselves to be dissuaded away from living by God's plan for us, for this plan is one of only good for us, a path which leads to everlasting life. He gave us the wondrous gift of sexual expression which can only really come to fruition the way He envisioned it--within a marriage context, in a sacred covenant with Him. The ability for sexual intercourse was given to us so that spouses could express their love for one another (and for God) by literally becoming one flesh. Out of that would come new life, both figuratively and practically.

We have seen the physical, spiritual and psychological repercussions of our abuse of sex and sex outside of marriage: many, many sexually transmitted diseases/infections, broken hearts, broken lives, single parenting, abortion, child and sexual partner abuse...It seems obvious to me that it's not working very well. Sin never does. On the other hand, chastity takes discipline. Can we do it? I'd like to challenge people with this question. Do we have what it takes to follow Jesus? In my heart of hearts, I believe we all do.

I don't think people believe they can live without sex. They seem to think it is their right to have it. What we've lost along the way is the truth: sex is a gift from God, not a right. We CAN live without sex. Mary, our Mother, is a perfect example. The Church teaches she was a virgin all of her life. She lived without sex. And, too, I have often thought about what this meant for Joseph. He must have loved her deeply. That love was much, much bigger, more important than sex between them. They were raising the Son of God!

I've been thinking about chastity on a more personal level lately. The obvious reason is because, if I am really being called to the religious life, I will be taking a vow of chastity. I have been pondering what this means in my life. At this point in my life, it won't require any change in my behavior. I already have made the conscious choice to live chastely the rest of my life. It's a way of life...a way that can lead to God. I hunger for that ultimate communion!

Here is the teaching of the Church, found in the Catechism:

2337 Chastity means the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being. Sexuality, in which man's belonging to the bodily and biological world is expressed, becomes personal and truly human when it is integrated into the relationship of one person to another, in the complete and lifelong mutual gift of a man and a woman.

The virtue of chastity therefore involves the integrity of the person and the integrality of the gift.

2348 All the baptized are called to chastity. The Christian has "put on Christ," the model for all chastity. All Christ's faithful are called to lead a chaste life in keeping with their particular states of life. At the moment of his Baptism, the Christian is pledged to lead his affective life in chastity.

2349 "People should cultivate [chastity] in the way that is suited to their state of life. Some profess virginity or consecrated celibacy which enables them to give themselves to God alone with an undivided heart in a remarkable manner. Others live in the way prescribed for all by the moral law, whether they are married or single." Married people are called to live conjugal chastity; others practice chastity in continence...

+ + + + +

The teaching on the gift of our sexuality is very beautiful! For more information, here is a link to this part of the catechism: http://www.vatican.va/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a6.htm

We must ask God to help us be the best we can be while we are here on earth. Jesus must think we can do it. After all, He said to the woman who had been about to be stoned to death for committing adultery, "Neither do I condemn you. Go, (and) from now on do not sin any more." (John 8:11) If Jesus told her not to sin any more, He must have believed she could do it. And, I think He believes we can sin no more, too. Now, we just have to believe it! May God bless us with the discipline to follow the Truth.

meeting with the bishop

2010-04-17T19:28:00.005-05:00

Yesterday's meeting with Bishop Piché was truly a blessed moment in my life. Interestingly, some of it was uncomfortable...I thought I had had all my ducks in a row when I went into the meeting but his Excellency was looking for OTHER ducks (or maybe they were geese???) from me and he told me as much. (The discomfort came from the realization that I wasn't perfect...ha! One would think I would know--and have accepted--THAT by now!) He was kind, gentle, firm. I LOVE that he was so candid. I learned so much from him by his being that way with me! And, it was an opportunity for me to grow in humility...how could I not listen to such a holy man? I believe God was speaking through him to me. It was such a privilege for me to have his ear for an hour! It was an hour filled with grace and blessings. Many people had been praying for this meeting. I could palpably feel the prayer support the entire time. There was a great peace; I know the Holy Spirit was very much present with us. It was hard work, but work I gladly did!

He took considerable notes about what I was telling him. He asked very pertinent and probing questions. In his wisdom, he taught me many things. He gently steered me to a new way of thinking. He said a religious community does not stand on the accoutrements, i.e. the superficialities, such as I had been focusing on. He said it has to have a foundation of inspiration--a charism, a purpose. I understood completely and very much agreed. I told him I'd been thinking about that lately. I believe I am being called to be a vocal proponent and teacher of chastity out in the world. Sex outside of marriage has become commonplace in our world. I want to teach God's way, regarding this, and as a Sister. He said it has to be an internal process and I must focus on what God wants of me today, not 10 years from now. I think he was trying to tell me to listen to God's voice within and the rest would follow. He said it was not time to think about an actual community in the ways I had been. He was absolutely correct in his assessment. To be sure, I have much work to do.

One thing he said I should do, if I have the wherewithal financially, is contact Mother Agnes of the Sisters of Life in NYC and spend a couple days with her, if she's willing. He told me to use his name to gain entry to speaking with her. They are friends. He said I would get a good picture of what it means to begin a religious community from her. I decided, then and there, I would do this. (I will try to do it this summer.) I was telling a friend of mine about this tonight and she said she would like to finance my trip. She said she believes so strongly in what I'm doing and she has the money to do such a thing. I am humbled and very grateful. I have the impression she'd be insulted if I don't let her!

He said I must not make any moves until I have a spiritual director. When I asked, he said he could not be my spiritual director. He doesn't have the time. I said I understood and had prepared myself for his saying no. (He IS a bishop, after all...with many bishop kinds of things to do!) I asked him if he could recommend someone. He gave me two names. He said he trusted both of them completely. In the end, he asked me to call him in 4 months' time and give him a report on how I was doing.

Afterward, I felt greatly respected. I sensed I had just been in the presence of holiness. I have a hunch that he is destined to be much more than a bishop. Perhaps he'll be a cardinal from Minnesota one day, although I have a feeling he will be assigned away from here in the role (promotion!) of archbishop sooner rather than later. How very, very, very blessed I was to spend time with him!

freaking out!

2010-04-13T18:41:00.001-05:00

I took today off to rest, contemplate, pray and get ready for my meeting with the bishop. As the day has gone on, I have been increasingly freaking out about the meeting. Now, intellectually, I know all will be well. This is a God thing, after all! However, emotionally, I'm a bit of a wreck. Here is what has been going through my head: "I have a lot of audacity, calling a meeting with a bishop. He's too busy for the likes of me!" and "What if I say something I shouldn't?" and "I don't want to waste his time" AND "I should call and cancel!" Good grief! (I certainly do find myself being counterproductive at times like this! And, I recognize the evil one's attempt to stop me from doing God's will here, too...) All of these things have been answered by the Holy Spirit's peace washing over me and it is helping a ton. As Father Nels said in his homily yesterday, I must face God's will for my life with courage and excitement. I intend to do just that.

To get away for a little while, I went to the movie "Letters to God". I cried through the whole thing! It reminded me of my time with little Matteo. The main character died of the same thing he did--medulloblastoma--and even went to Give Kids the World Village, where we went, too. The boy taught everyone about God, the same as Matteo did. It was a beautiful, albeit heartbreaking movie.

Getting back to my preparation for the bishop...I have outlined very well what I'm going to say. I even sketched out the Statutes and Way of Life for the Franciscan Sisters of Peace and Life. I discovered something in doing more research today: St. Elizabeth of Hungary, whose feast day was the day I heard God's call about this community, was a Third Order Franciscan! Coincidence? I think not!

I learned last night from the Brothers that the woman who had approached them years ago about forming a Sister community with them is moving back to town this week. According to them, she is still interested in doing this. I believe this is an answer to one of my initial concerns to God, about one not making a community: TWO a community makes! I can hardly wait to meet her and compare our individual visions in regard to the community. I have a feeling they will be very similar!

I will not worry. I will not spend any more time in negative thought. I will walk into the future with courage and excitement for God has a plan and it is beautiful!

Never the less, it wouldn't hurt for you to pray for me, dear friend!

yesterday

2010-04-06T04:53:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, at the pregnancy center, we were extremely busy with client issues. I had dozens of phone calls. People seemed to be coming at me from all directions! I met with a client who is 9 months pregnant. (After we finished our meeting, she went to the hospital because she was having contractions!) Her story was gut-wrenching. Her partner, her two children and she are living in their car because, a week ago, their neighbors threatened them, both physically and verbally. My client and her family are black. The neighbors are white. She and her family have lived in the apartment for 2 years; the neighbors had moved in just recently. When they were trying to get in their car, the neighbors tried to force her partner out of the car and pushed her to get to him, shouting terrible things to them. (Their children, both toddlers, were in the car, observing it all.) The landlord refused to stick up for them. They went to the police.

This couple seem very gentle in spirit. I doubt they started the altercation. They are victims. They'd come to me for financial support to get into a new, safe apartment. I told them I would do everything I could to help them. I haven't gotten it totally worked out yet but I will. This is unacceptable!

What makes people think they can use force to intimidate others? Why would they do it in the first place? There is so much violence in this world. I see it, up close, all the time, with my clients. Usually it's domestic abuse and the clients are fleeing from it.

Dear Lord, please watch over these precious children. Help them to be safe and help them not to have bitterness toward their abusers. Reach the hearts of those who can help them financially so that they will be able to live in a place that is free from harm's way. Give me the courage to advocate for them. Have mercy on us all. Amen

blessed Eastertide!

2010-04-05T10:24:00.004-05:00

It's Easter Monday and I have a feeling that all church musicians everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief! We made it through another grueling schedule during the past 4 days. Today, we can rest. Alleluia!

I decided last night I was going to sleep in this morning until I was no longer tired. I made the conscious choice not to get up for Mass. Well, I was wide awake at 6:30! I arrived at 8:00 Mass to discover that a bishop and 2 priests would be con-celebrating. I was so glad I couldn't sleep in, not only for the fact that the bishop was there, but because Mass is the most important element in my day. My heart would have been longing for the Eucharist all day had I really slept in. And, what an awesome surprise and blessing to receive Our Lord from a bishop!

The Triduum and Easter Sunday celebrations were beautiful. Our parish community celebrated Holy Thursday and the Easter Vigil with the Vietnamese community. It was interesting to hear the Vietnamese language read and sung. The church was filled with families.

We did have one kind of big gaffe. On Holy Saturday, I began playing the intro to the Gospel Acclamation but noticed, out of the corner of my eye, that Father was waving at me. I stopped playing to look at him. (Meanwhile, the cantor started singing but quickly realized I'd stopped playing so she stopped, too!) He was mouthing something but I just didn't get it so he came over to me and said something about giving him 3 notes. I told him I didn't know what he wanted. So, he said okay, just do what you are doing. We began again...

I was horrified that Mass had come to a complete halt because either Father or I hadn't done something right...chances are it was me. After Mass, Father said he'd assumed that I'd remember what we'd done last year. (I gave him a pitch...he sang Alleluia; I gave him another higher pitch, again, he'd sing Alleluia and then, a third time...and THEN we'd go into the Alleluia with the congregation that I'd started.) I said, Father, you are talking to an old woman. Brain cells have died since then. I did not remember. Then, he said, as he was proclaiming the Gospel, he hoped that I didn't feel badly about what had happened. I told him, no, that my sense of humor kicked in right away, that I was thinking that I was going to tell him we could have been out of there 5 minutes sooner if we hadn't gone through all that. (Mass lasted over 3 hours!) Also, these things can happen. It's the beauty (curse?) of live music. He said he was glad I wasn't upset.

What I discovered in this exchange was that I work for the best boss in the world. How gracious he was...He even told me not to give it any more thought because he never dwells on things like this. He said he forgets them after they're over. Now, he could have yelled at me or belittled me. (I have a friend who works for a pastor who yells at her in front of people for every mistake she makes.) Instead, Father brought Christ's love and compassion to me. I was so grateful...and humbled. I resolved NOT to make that mistake next year. I made sure it went into the notes I made after every service about things that could be improved for next year.

What a blessing to encounter someone who is willing to show me God's love and mercy in this way! I pray I will do the same when the opportunity presents itself. After all, this is an essential (but quite often overlooked) part of professing to be a Christian.

The Church teaches that the next 50 days, until Pentecost, are to be days of celebration (YES...no fasting!!!). Let us mindfully and prayerfully (AND joyously!) celebrate the greatest gift God gave us: His Son who is risen from the dead so we may have eternal life. May blessings and celebrations be yours during this very holy season of Easter!