an assessment

This past week I went on a three day retreat (not nearly enough time, by the way). I had two goals going into it: to take an inventory of all the blessings and lessons I've had in the past two and a half months and to write a letter to the board of directors who fired me. I knew that the list would be long and beautiful. I also knew that I probably wouldn't send the letter.

In the course of writing the letter, I discovered that I still have some hurts that have yet to be healed. I also discovered that, while I really wanted to forgive, I was having a difficult time actually doing it. I have more work to do in this area of my life. One day, I hope to be able to honestly forgive them and to ask their forgiveness of me. I don't think it's the time yet.

As for the inventory, I wrote and wrote and wrote, not stopping until I'd reached 24 points and I don't think I'm done yet. It was a lovely exercise for me because it was easy to see how the Holy Spirit has been at my side the entire time, watching over me with great care.

Here's my list of blessings and lessons, thus far:

1. God is always here, protecting, guiding, loving, blessing me.

2. "Be not afraid." (Also Matt 17:14-21--faith can move mountains) It's fruitless to worry about anything. God always sees to it that we have what we need. Matt 6: "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil."

3. Matt 5:10 "Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." When I didn't sign the document that accused me of something I hadn't done, stating that I agreed I had done it, I was fired. That was persecution for the sake of righteousness (the truth). As I thought about this, I felt so very close to our Lord who was persecuted for the sake of righteousness in a much, much bigger way than I. It gave me comfort to hope that, one day, I'll be in heaven with Him.

4. Luke 6:27 "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." Amen...and I am trying to do these things.

5. The idea of being light to the world. This time in my life can be a teaching moment to people around me. First, though, it must be a learning period for me!

6. This appears to be a call to a new ministry--or at least an expansion of ministry: teaching children how to praise God through music in a more deliberate way.

7. Opportunity: which way to respond...with anger or resentment or look for the blessings in the situation?

8. Time of transformation, God's invitation to be renewed, to be more than I am, to love Him, others and myself more fully.

9. Willingness to be open to receiving the grace to have the ability to forgive.

10. "Never waste a good crisis." Words from Fr. Jim at the retreat. Crises are wondrous opportunities to love God, to grow closer to Him, to trust Him, to look for the joy, to experience God's peace in a more profound way than when things are going along swimmingly. Never waste a good crisis by crumpling under its weight.

11. There is much strength to be found in the sacraments. The Holy Eucharist is the most precious gift anyone can receive in this life. How could I ever take this gift for granted or become blase' about it?

12. Some events in life call for courage!

13. Many lessons in patience.

14. Judging from all the phone calls, letters, cards, emails, visits, food (!), prayers, I know that many people care about me. I also know the saints and angels are interceding for me.

15. Never underestimate the power of God!

16. Love with all your might, especially during times of what look like trials. (They really aren't; they're opportunities to grow in faith.) Loving others helps avoid self-focus.

17. I have met more awesome, holy people as a result of this event in my life.

18. I more deeply appreciate God's mercy, God's love, God's presence in my life, others' care for me and the definition of ministry (to make a difference in someone's life). I can minister anywhere I am and I can echo all of these out in the world.

19. Humility and pride are now easier to define in my life. This does not mean they are easier to take on or discard accordingly, but I do have more insight and more willingness to look at them internally.

20. I am more fully alive through my senses, through quiet times, through my prayer life. Praising God is the single most important thing I can do.

21. I have experienced the goodness and generosity of others in beautiful ways.

22. Lesson learned: give more generously during times of uncertainty.

23. God gives us the courage we need to traverse through dark days and He never leaves us during those times.

24. One's job isn't everything. I have learned not to define myself by such temporal ways as jobs I do or things I have. I can define myself by one simple fact: I am a child of God. I'm a human being, not a human doing!

To be continued...