grieving

You knew I would grieve, didn't you? The intensity of what happened is hitting me this week. I've been feeling angry, sad--really, really sad--betrayed...In the middle of all of these, I have wondered how it can be that people who profess to be Christian (Catholic, actually) can treat me with the disdain and cruelty they did for something that had been resolved and when no harm to clients or center had been done. Besides, I had thirteen years of excellent service to back me up. The cruelty meted out by Christians has made me the saddest of all.

Clients' well-being and care were always my first priority and clients knew it. They told us they felt safe there, that they'd never felt such peace anywhere else in their lives. They knew that we cared deeply for their welfare.

The facts seem to speak for themselves, in terms of my leadership role. (I won't take credit for all of these; I was merely the cheerleader and the facilitator so that others could bring forth their talents for the good of the center.) During my tenure, many things came to be. There was a 500 percent rise in monthly client visits. We began and implemented an Earn While You Learn parenting education program, with prenatal and parenting classes. We became a medical clinic so we could do ultrasounds. I was instrumental in raising the money to get two new ultrasound machines and helped raise $100,000 in six weeks' time for the down payment on a beautiful medical building. There was virtually zero turn-over in volunteers and staff all the while I was there. I put thirteen years of blood, sweat and tears into the place. And, in the end, I was treated like a criminal and there were no thanks from the board of directors, the people who chose to terminate my employment, because fear had infiltrated their thoughts and they couldn't see past it or see it for what it was: the work of the evil one. We know fear is never of God. It's always from Satan.

One of the saddest moments for me was when I told the board president that the only thing I had left to do was delete a couple files on the computer and he told me that he hoped I wouldn't delete files that were important to the center. I replied, no, I had to delete photos of my grandchldren. And, he stood over me while I did it. After thirteen years of knowing me, one would have thought he would have known that I could never harm the center. The fact was I'd just spent the past three days showing my staff things they would need to know in my absence because I sensed what the end would be.

Why didn't the board want to hear my side of the story? Why didn't they ask me what it was that I found false in the document they expected me to sign? Wouldn't you think someone on the board would ask why I refused to sign it because I wouldn't go against my integrity and lie to save a job? At least two of them didn't even know what was in the document before I was presented with it. Why didn't they seek the truth? Why weren't they angry that the board president acted alone (he told me he and a lawyer drew it up) in drawing up the document? Isn't it illegal for individual board members to act on behalf of an entire board when in fact the entire board had no knowledge of it and had not voted on it? It was as if the rest of the board were automatons, without reasoning capabilities, under the control of the board president. Where was their courage, their integrity in all of this? These people were my friends...or so I thought.

And, now, I am being called to forgive. Jesus asks this of me. How do I do that with a sincere heart? I know I must...but how? I have been praying intensely for the Holy Spirit to show me the way.

It's all so surreal to me. The other night, I woke with a start, thinking I had to get to the center to get my work done. When I was fully awake, I realized my work there was done and I wouldn't be going back.

The thing is we can "bloom where we are planted". Situations are really unimportant in our journey to heaven. It's what we do in the situations in which we find ourselves that is what truly matters. Anywhere I go, I will take the gifts and talents that God gave to me and there will be opportunities to use them for His glory any time, anywhere. And, with the grace of God, I WILL use those opportunities to share what He has so graciously given to me.

In the middle of all this pain, I find great joy. God is here. The angels are here. The saints are here. Many, many, many people here on earth are praying for me and ministering to me in their own unique ways. It is a special blessing to be loved by so many! My ultimate goal is to be with the saints and angels as we praise God forever. Everything here in this earthly life is merely good practice!

Overall, I think I'm doing pretty well. There are just some days when the intensity hits me and I know I must rely ever more on God's mercy and compassion to hold me up. He is here and I am grateful! Our Lord knows about betrayal and suffering. By reflecting on His Passion, I can align my small sufferings to His and I can praise and thank Him more and more for His Sacrifice for my terrible sins that I might live with Him forever. Oh, how my heart longs to be with Him forever!