seeking first the kingdom of God

Today's Gospel is one of the most telling of my life and one of my favorites:

Matthew 6:24-34

Jesus said to his disciples:
“No one can serve two masters.
He will either hate one and love the other,
or be devoted to one and despise the other.
You cannot serve God and mammon.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life,
what you will eat or drink,
or about your body, what you will wear.
Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds in the sky;
they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns,
yet your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are not you more important than they?
Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?
Why are you anxious about clothes?
Learn from the way the wild flowers grow.
They do not work or spin.
But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor
was clothed like one of them.
If God so clothes the grass of the field,
which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow,
will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?
So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’
or ‘What are we to drink?’or ‘What are we to wear?’
All these things the pagans seek.
Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness,
and all these things will be given you besides.
Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.
Sufficient for a day is its own evil.”

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I have a feeling I came into this life as THE world's best worrywart (or would that be the worst?). When I was younger, I worried about everything. As my life unfolded, I slowly began to understand that worry was an unnecessary activity.

In childhood, I almost drowned but didn't. I almost got lost but didn't. I thought I'd fail classes but never did. As an adult, I struggled financially for a time but I didn't starve. When my kids were babies, they survived immunizations, their mother's overzealous nail-clipping (sorry, Meg!), breastfeeding (temporary low milk production, breast milk jaundice, mastitis), ear infections, etc. Beyond infancy, they survived getting stitches, broken arms, falling out of trees, ski accidents, teenage antics (let's just say things they weren't supposed to be doing at their ages!), car accidents--You know, the basic results of living life. As my kids grew older, there were bigger worries. As I grew older, even BIGGER worries...The list of worries could be endless, if I let it! And, the bottom line was whatever I worried about almost never happened. (My sister Mary did die...) Life events happened but not my dire "predictions". Then, I came upon this passage in Matthew. It blared in large capital letters at me, like a neon sign: "DO NOT WORRY". Do not worry. Good heavens, that was certainly a foreign concept to me.

Talk about something that could change my thinking! Jesus was telling me not to worry. Again, the "be not afraid" theme! Do not worry about tomorrow. Focus on today. Today's enough for you. It was a whole new world opened to me! I no longer had to carry the heavy burden of so many worries around with me. Our Lord had given me permission to let them all go. And, I did...whenever I'd start to worry about something, I would envision myself putting the worry into a balloon, blowing it up and popping it with a big pin. Pop! Worry gone! It took some practice but I got pretty good at letting go without the mental imagery.

I think that's why I'm not worried in the least about this time in my life. There's no point to worrying. Besides, there have been so very many blessings: people who care deeply about me, answers to specific prayers, the ability to do many things, much more time for rest and to pray, to think. What I've discovered is letting go of worries leads to an opportunity to focus on spiritual matters--my relationship with God, finding ways to help build the kingdom of God here on earth, loving more fully. I find it a truly remarkable transformation!

It seems that, just when you think you're in the throes of one of the worst things that ever happened to you, you come to understand that you're probably experiencing one of the greatest blessings that ever happened to you--or at least it brings its own special blessings, none of which you would have experienced otherwise. Maybe this understanding won't come right away, but eventually it will.

To me, the root changes in me regarding worrying are proof positive that the Holy Spirit is right here with me, showing me the Way, as He always has been and always will be. His Presence brings great comfort to me and why I cannot worry. After all, my Lord tells me I must not. And, you know what? It is absolutely awesome not to spend even one second worrying about anything. There's a lot more time to do other things!

taking up my cross

A reading from the Holy Gospel of St. Mark:

Jesus summoned the crowd with his disciples and said to them,
“Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself,
take up his cross, and follow me.
For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it,
but whoever loses his life for my sake
and that of the Gospel will save it.
What profit is there for one to gain the whole world
and forfeit his life?
What could one give in exchange for his life?
Whoever is ashamed of me and of my words
in this faithless and sinful generation,
the Son of Man will be ashamed of
when he comes in his Father’s glory with the holy angels.”

He also said to them,
“Amen, I say to you,
there are some standing here who will not taste death
until they see that the Kingdom of God has come in power.

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Hymn: Take Up Your Cross
Text: Charles W. Everest, 1814-1877
Tune: O WALY WALY

1 Take up your cross, the Savior said,
If you would my disciple be;
Take up your cross with willing heart,
And humbly follow after me.

2 Take up your cross; let not its weight
Fill your weak spirit with alarm;
His strength shall bear your spirit up,
And brace your heart and nerve your arm.

3 Take up your cross; heed not the shame,
And let your foolish heart be still;
The Lord for you accepted death
Upon a cross, on Calv'ry's hill.

4 Take up your cross, then, in his strength,
And calmly ev'ry danger brave;
It guide you to a better home
And leads to vict'ry o'er the grave.

5 Take up your cross, and follow Christ,
Nor think till death to lay it down;
For only those who bear the cross
May hope to wear the glorious crown.

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I've been contemplating these since I heard this Gospel read yesterday at Mass. For me these days, taking up my cross means that I must accept what has happened in regard to my employment, I must feel the feelings I have by acknowledging them and then moving on from them, give up my dreams, my expectations, be kind to myself in the process, forgive my trespassers, find the blessings in the situation and through it all, praise God with joyful song. Just a wee little cross! Who am I kidding? It's a LOT of work!

Part of taking up my cross means turning away from MY will if it is clear my will is not God's will. Losing myself in God--this can be very challenging for one who came of age when feminism in its most wicked form ran rampant and when individualism and relativism bubbled to the surface of our collective consciousness. In essence, we were given permission to do whatever we wanted to do if it felt good. "If it feels good, do it" was the proclamation for all to hear. If we were put on this earth to know, love and serve God, this was pretty contrary dogma to our pursuit of sainthood.

The thing is I don't want to do anything against what God wants of me. If it means willingly taking up my cross, that's what I plan to do. I may falter or stumble along the way, but I pray that the course will be mostly a straight path, with the finish line being heaven.

One thing I've figured out is that my self-worth is not dependent on how much I can accomplish. My self-worth is based on the fact that an all good and gracious God loves me. Loves ME. I may want to accomplish great things but small things count just as much and possibly a great deal more, if they mean helping to build the kingdom of God. And maybe, just maybe, the small things I do are what God will use to build His kingdom. The other day, as I was helping Brother Max with his mailing, he said he was praying that more vocations to the religious life result from this mailing effort. I thought to myself: here I am, putting on labels, one after another, on something that appears to be just a letter to parishes to do more for the pro-life cause. Those labels were the ticket to the parishes getting those mailings and into the hands of people who would read them and take them to heart...It could ripple out, farther and farther, touching lives in ways I'll never know. If my putting on labels meant more vocations to the religious life, wouldn't that be something?

I think the point is that doing small things with love means quite a lot in God's realm. I love the thought that my little endeavors could have widespread ripples of goodness in our world. I will never know just how and I am okay with that. I have faith I will know one day, just not in this life.

When one looks at taking up the cross as loving God, no matter what the situation, no matter what we feel, then taking up our cross isn't all that difficult. Besides, God is right there with us, giving us the strength, the courage, the wherewithal--the grace--to follow Him. Knowing God is present, loving us, makes every burden we are given in life much easier to tote. With God, we can do it!

Seeing God's signs

This was in the Magnificat today:

Seeing God's Signs by Jessica Powers (+1988) who was a Carmelite nun, Sister Miriam of the Holy Spirit

"Sometimes lovely things that are lost. Beautiful things God scatters everywhere. As Walt Whitman said (in other words), that God is tossing down love letters in the street and everywhere, if only we would watch out for them. I think I have come to see that even the contradictions and the crosses of life are his "love letters".

I've begun to look for them [God's love letters] with a certain joy -- signs that tell me that Jesus is near. The unexpected delay, the negative response, the inopportune caller, the gimmick that won't work, the nice food that got overcooked, the lack of something needed, the ballpoint pen that smudges, the mistake one can't undo - the list is endless. Not (I hope) that I concentrate on the unpleasant things but that they are little signs that I share in the life of Jesus."

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I understand what the author is saying here. There are so many signs of God's "love letters" everywhere! Not only that, but I believe we are called to live each moment "in the moment" and not look beyond what is in front of us right now. When I do this, I seem to keep out of a whole lot of worry about the future and I find joy in each thing that happens.

The other day, after I played for a funeral, I was given a check that was 50% more than my fee. How did they know I needed that money? Yesterday and today have been positively balmy, sunny days, a blessing after all the freezing temps we've had for weeks on end. Over the weekend, I had the privilege to talk to a grandmother and a mother of children who might not have been born but are now 10 and 12. I counseled them and saw them through the pregnancies and beyond. We became close friends and these friendships have lasted all these years. Too, when I was feeling low the other day, as I was wrestling with my feelings, I knew that God was there with me, helping me to see past the hurt to a new beginning in my life. I figured out I love the less hectic pace of my life at this time. It allows me time to breathe! All these things are great blessings, borne out of less than what I'd consider ideal situations.

Maybe what the author was telling us to do is look at everything as a blessing from God. That's what I'm trying to do, anyway. If I find myself suffering, I look at it as an opportunity to help our Lord carry His cross and offer it up for some good. This is a blessing! If I find myself on the recipient end of awesome kindness, I rejoice and praise God for all He does for me (and for the person who was the go-between!). No matter what happens, the presence of God in my life makes all the difference to me.

I've been working on taking to heart what the bishop told me about this whole idea. I try very hard to listen to what God wants of me and then I try to do it the best I can. Sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes I do a good job of it. The bottom line is that He loves me no matter what and, when I beg His forgiveness, He seems always ready to show mercy on me. And, when I do what He wants of me, things seem to work out much better.

I have a peace that is a great gift to me. I know God is here. I know that all things are ordered for good to those who love Him. I love Him with my whole heart, my whole soul, my whole being. It is a blessing!

grieving

You knew I would grieve, didn't you? The intensity of what happened is hitting me this week. I've been feeling angry, sad--really, really sad--betrayed...In the middle of all of these, I have wondered how it can be that people who profess to be Christian (Catholic, actually) can treat me with the disdain and cruelty they did for something that had been resolved and when no harm to clients or center had been done. Besides, I had thirteen years of excellent service to back me up. The cruelty meted out by Christians has made me the saddest of all.

Clients' well-being and care were always my first priority and clients knew it. They told us they felt safe there, that they'd never felt such peace anywhere else in their lives. They knew that we cared deeply for their welfare.

The facts seem to speak for themselves, in terms of my leadership role. (I won't take credit for all of these; I was merely the cheerleader and the facilitator so that others could bring forth their talents for the good of the center.) During my tenure, many things came to be. There was a 500 percent rise in monthly client visits. We began and implemented an Earn While You Learn parenting education program, with prenatal and parenting classes. We became a medical clinic so we could do ultrasounds. I was instrumental in raising the money to get two new ultrasound machines and helped raise $100,000 in six weeks' time for the down payment on a beautiful medical building. There was virtually zero turn-over in volunteers and staff all the while I was there. I put thirteen years of blood, sweat and tears into the place. And, in the end, I was treated like a criminal and there were no thanks from the board of directors, the people who chose to terminate my employment, because fear had infiltrated their thoughts and they couldn't see past it or see it for what it was: the work of the evil one. We know fear is never of God. It's always from Satan.

One of the saddest moments for me was when I told the board president that the only thing I had left to do was delete a couple files on the computer and he told me that he hoped I wouldn't delete files that were important to the center. I replied, no, I had to delete photos of my grandchldren. And, he stood over me while I did it. After thirteen years of knowing me, one would have thought he would have known that I could never harm the center. The fact was I'd just spent the past three days showing my staff things they would need to know in my absence because I sensed what the end would be.

Why didn't the board want to hear my side of the story? Why didn't they ask me what it was that I found false in the document they expected me to sign? Wouldn't you think someone on the board would ask why I refused to sign it because I wouldn't go against my integrity and lie to save a job? At least two of them didn't even know what was in the document before I was presented with it. Why didn't they seek the truth? Why weren't they angry that the board president acted alone (he told me he and a lawyer drew it up) in drawing up the document? Isn't it illegal for individual board members to act on behalf of an entire board when in fact the entire board had no knowledge of it and had not voted on it? It was as if the rest of the board were automatons, without reasoning capabilities, under the control of the board president. Where was their courage, their integrity in all of this? These people were my friends...or so I thought.

And, now, I am being called to forgive. Jesus asks this of me. How do I do that with a sincere heart? I know I must...but how? I have been praying intensely for the Holy Spirit to show me the way.

It's all so surreal to me. The other night, I woke with a start, thinking I had to get to the center to get my work done. When I was fully awake, I realized my work there was done and I wouldn't be going back.

The thing is we can "bloom where we are planted". Situations are really unimportant in our journey to heaven. It's what we do in the situations in which we find ourselves that is what truly matters. Anywhere I go, I will take the gifts and talents that God gave to me and there will be opportunities to use them for His glory any time, anywhere. And, with the grace of God, I WILL use those opportunities to share what He has so graciously given to me.

In the middle of all this pain, I find great joy. God is here. The angels are here. The saints are here. Many, many, many people here on earth are praying for me and ministering to me in their own unique ways. It is a special blessing to be loved by so many! My ultimate goal is to be with the saints and angels as we praise God forever. Everything here in this earthly life is merely good practice!

Overall, I think I'm doing pretty well. There are just some days when the intensity hits me and I know I must rely ever more on God's mercy and compassion to hold me up. He is here and I am grateful! Our Lord knows about betrayal and suffering. By reflecting on His Passion, I can align my small sufferings to His and I can praise and thank Him more and more for His Sacrifice for my terrible sins that I might live with Him forever. Oh, how my heart longs to be with Him forever!

even more blessings...

The oddest thing happened the other day. I had played for Mass in the morning at a nursing home. (It's my volunteer job!) In the afternoon, I had a very strong urge to go to Mass again and it had to be at the cathedral at 5:15. I thought it was strange because I'd already gone to Mass and I didn't think I should spend the money for gas to get there. (It's at least 20 minutes from my home.) As the afternoon wore on, the urge became a very decisive longing. I HAD TO GO TO MASS AGAIN AT THE CATHEDRAL AT 5:15! So, I went...

When I walked into the church, I saw many Sisters and Brothers standing around. I asked Brother Paul what was up. He said it was World Consecrated Religious Day and they were all there celebrating with the archbishop. He said there would probably be 200 participating. I replied, whoa, I'll be in good company then!

Now, given how I am meeting regularly with the bishop and working on the idea of beginning a new religious congregation of Sisters around the chastity/pro-life message, I thought it was rather interesting that God had called me there right then. It was an awesome gift for me to be among these holy men and women.

What a blessing the entire thing was for me! The archbishop, the bishop, 15 priests, acolytes...the beautiful music, the readings, the archbishop's homily, the opening up of the bishop's line for Holy Communion, his loving, encouraging smile as he placed Our Lord gently in my hand (he knows of my termination from the center), the recognition of Sisters who have given many years to our Lord...being able to talk with Sr. Josephine of the Little Sisters of the Poor after Mass (she's been praying for me ever since we met 2 years ago when she came to the Sisters of the Good Shepherd for retreat!) and my friend Joan who found me before Mass and sat with me...My goodness, the blessings just kept coming!

This Mass was a gift of enormous magnitude to me and just the balm on my spirit that I needed so badly. We Catholics are very blessed to be able to receive the Blessed Sacrament every day (and sometimes twice!). It is especially poignant to participate in the re-presentation of our Lord's sacrifice when one is suffering earthly heartaches as I was that day. Somehow, our sufferings pale in light of Jesus' but it can be an opportunity to share His cross in some small way.

How awesome it is to be loved by such a God as ours! I cried all the way back to my pew and then some after Communion. I couldn't help it. I was overcome with great joy to think God loves me so much that He placed an urging in my soul to go be with Him at His most holy Sacrifice once more that day. So, so, so beautiful!

blessings along the way

Some people do not seem to believe that the evil one is alive in the world. I can assure them he is and that he is quite vicious in his attacks. HOWEVER, our dear Lord is way more powerful. If we stay close to Him, we will live in peace and harmony and in His presence forever. He promised this to us.

Yesterday, the evil one attacked me with lies. He told me that the people (volunteers and staff) at the center must not have believed me when I told them how I'd been fired since most had chosen to stay on. Obviously, they weren't very loyal to you, he said. I recognized immediately from where these thoughts were coming.

It's not true they didn't believe me. They have never known me to lie. (If anything I'm too candid.) Judging from the prayers, phone calls, cards and emails, it's not true they aren't loyal to me. And, I had encouraged them to stay on because the work is far more important than I.

"In the name of Jesus, I demand you to be gone from here." Someone once told me that I should say that when being attacked. I did yesterday. Then, I said a rosary, asking for divine help. And, then, I took a nap. I wanted to take a 20 minute nap but it ended up being 2 and a half hours! I awoke refreshed and at peace. I had needed the rest.

When these things happen to me, I take solace in the thought that I must be going in the right direction if the evil one works so hard to bring me down. Not only that, but I feel God's presence so strongly, it feels like He's right here with me in a very physical way. I also know without any doubt that St. Michael and all the angels come to my immediate rescue.

+ + + + +

I was very blessed on Monday to have spent a couple hours with Franciscan Brother of Peace Maximilian in the friary. We were working on a mailing. It gave me an opportunity to visit with Brother Max. We are both from Duluth, doncha know! And, my sisters knew his grandmother because they were all organists at my childhood parish. (I don't remember meeting her but I think I must have.) It was fun to learn some more about his life. As we worked, several of the other Brothers wandered in and out and Brother Paul had his Irish music playing in the background, both of which I loved! Being in the presence of this community always brings me joy and Irish music is in my blood!

When we were finished with our task, Brother Max invited me to stay and pray a while in Brother Michael's chapel. Brother Max told me that it had been Brother Michael's bedroom all during his infirmity. (For more on Brother Michael, please see http://www.brothersofpeace.org/our-history/our-founder.html) The chapel holds the Blessed Sacrament and has one chair and one kneeler. There are plants and flowers and icons. The monstrance in which Jesus rests is very beautiful. The peace I found there was a peace I've never known. I asked Brother Michael to be with me during this painful (yes, it is!) time. And, I thanked God for allowing me this time of respite in such a lovely place.

Blessings. All we need to do is look around and we will see them, over and over again. As I've said before, we are loved by a truly gracious God!