life lessons

One of the things I've always thought I should be is true to myself. While I like the idea of being true to myself--what does that really mean? If I'm being completely honest, that seems like a selfish concept and one that could very possibly cause others hurt. The thing to which I should aspire is to be true to God, to be true to and live in the Truth because, being true to myself could very possibly mean giving into my sinful nature. Instead, why not just take myself and my self-centeredness out of the way for God to work in me and through me?

I am always under the erroneous assumption that everyone will come along with me or will agree with me or will see it my way...Talk about self-aggrandizement at its finest! I forget that others are not in the same place I am and, if I don't explain myself well, how can they understand or agree with me? And, maybe they aren’t meant to agree with me and MAYBE they are much further along on their journey to the Kingdom than I am...and that’s okay. I will use the experience as a way to learn more about holiness.

I HAVE been searching for Truth (yes, with a capital T) for many years now. I want to find God, know Him, love Him, obey Him, serve Him. My search, unwittingly enough, began when I was in college. I was working through a deep hurt inflicted upon me by someone I had held dear to my heart and I was in great pain over it. On recommendation of one of my professors, I sought help from a very wise psychologist. He and I worked for almost 6 months, trying to unearth what I was feeling. I’d had no clue when we began. He told me mine was one of the most challenging cases he'd experienced but he had hope we'd get to the bottom of it all. And, we did. Essentially, he taught me how to give myself permission to feel and how to express those feelings constructively. He gave me what seems a great gift that has lasted a lifetime. On the other hand, perhaps it gave me permission to focus too much on myself.

Fast forward many years to the time after my separation when I was again seeking to know God more fully. Another person came into my life and showed me how to find the Truth in Catholic teachings, doctrine and dogma. It, too, was a great gift. I hadn't known where to begin before we met.

Today, I'm trying very hard to live by the Truth but I fall short at times and hurt people. I'm not always the most diplomatic or they aren't ready to hear the truth or they don't want to hear it from me or I’m not patient enough...lots of reasons, some of which are a result of my faults and flaws and some could be the other person's flaws or deep-seated hurts inflicted upon him or her before he or she met me. For whatever reason, it all goes awry, leaving me to ponder how I could have done better and resolving to do something different in the future. And, maybe, just maybe, my "being true to myself" got in the way or I wasn't being completely truthful with myself.

I keep working at being less self-centered. I keep asking the Holy Spirit to intervene when I'm not doing a good job of it. I frequent Confession so God's grace will shine through in challenging situations. I never want to hurt someone but I can’t read others’ minds or know all the hurt they carry around with them so it might be unavoidable at times. However, during those times, I also must look within myself to find my culpability for the hurt and see that I still have a long, long way to go to be true to God. When I accidentally touch a nerve or the selfish part of me gets in the way, I resolve to do better. After all, how can we help one another get to heaven when there’s hurt or misunderstanding between us?

I am very blessed to have at the present time several wise and holy counselors. Every one of them brings lessons I must learn to grow closer to God. Some are difficult to hear or to learn. After all, it’s not easy facing oneself and one’s faults and sins! However, I embrace these teachers and their lessons because they are helping me in my pursuit of holiness by showing me the truth. Now, if I could just put their lessons into practice better...