judging not

This morning, in the ladies' room at church was a sign: "Will whoever took the full bottle of liquid Soft Soap that I put here, please return it. Stealing is a sin. Thank you!" Sin was underlined. My cantor Amanda saw it first and told me after Mass she'd had a very negative reaction to it. She said it seemed so inhospitable to write such a note. After all, it was only soap. If someone really needed the soap, shouldn't we be gracious and let her have it? I agreed with her. It started me remembering all the times something has been taken from the center. The last was last week when someone took the roll of toilet paper off the holder AND discarded or took the holder itself. (I wasn't about to look in the trash to see if it had been thrown away there! When I went to buy a replacement, I discovered it only cost $1 and was REALLY glad then that I hadn't bothered!) I have always thought that whoever took whatever it was they took must have been in desperate need of the object. (It is usually toilet paper or soap or pregnancy wheels that tell due dates or baby models.) Can you imagine being so poor that you have to go without toilet paper?

Why must we think that what we have is strictly ours? To be sure, attachment to things is not where Our Lord was in His life. And, every single thing we "own" is really not ours anyway. Things are given to us by our generous God and they can be taken away in a blink of an eye, given circumstances.

This whole thing goes along with what the bishop taught us about self-denial, doesn't it? If we really want to give ourselves completely to God, our reaction in such situations might be, "okay, Lord...thanks for letting me have it temporarily!"

Too, we must remember the three conditions of a (mortal)sin: it is a sin of grave matter, it is committed with full knowledge of the sinner and is committed with deliberate consent of the sinner. So, in order for us to judge someone as committing a sin, we must have knowledge of his or her intention. How can we in this situation? How can we really, in any situation?

I am amazed how just one seemingly small lesson from the bishop reverberates through my life in so many ways. From now on, I will always try to remember that the things I have are not important. If they are taken away from me tomorrow, I will thank God for allowing me access to them for the time I had them.

PS to this: I bought a bottle of Soft Soap and will put it in the ladies' room at church tomorrow when I go for morning Mass. It was only $1--and the exact name brand! Such a steal! (Pardon the pun!)

my heart's delight

I met with Bishop Piché this past week. On my way there, I came upon an accident and I was stuck in a line that didn't budge for 15 minutes. I kept praying we'd get moving and that I wouldn't be late. (I never ever want to keep a bishop waiting for me.) I also prayed for the people who had been in the accident. The ambulance and tow truck were just pulling away when I got to the intersection so I didn't see any of the details. It was a good thing I'd left early! My plan had been to spend a few quiet minutes in the Cathedral before the meeting, which is why I had the leeway I did.

As it turned out, I walked into the chancery office ONE minute before the scheduled meeting. However, the bishop was 15 minutes late! He apologized and told me that he'd had to finish something that the archbishop needed from him right away. Maybe I'm being weird but it felt like a privilege to wait for a bishop to finish something for an archbishop. :-) I told him that the archbishop should ALWAYS come before me. I didn't mind waiting in the least. I had spent the time calming down from the frantic force of the ride over. And, given the frenetic pace of my life, I never mind an unexpected opportunity to be still for a few minutes.

As usual, the time spent with the bishop was a huge blessing for me. The first thing he did was ask if I wanted to say a prayer before we began. Ordinarily, he says the prayer and I have been very happy that he does. My first thought: yikes, I'm about to pray an extemporaneous prayer with a bishop. Double yikes! And yet, in that moment, I knew absolutely that our Lord was listening and that Bishop Piché was entering into the prayer with me. It was a very beautiful moment.

I began by telling him that I have found my heart's delight and, in that, I seem to have frequent tears of great joy these days. (He reached for the Kleenex and gave it to me as the tears came easily!) Saying yes to God with my entire life and knowing God loves me is truly my heart's delight!

I apprised the bishop of all that had been going on since we last met--my glorious trip to NYC in September to spend time with Mother Agnes and the Sisters of Life, meeting and becoming immediate friends with Sr. Susan Catherine Kennedy from Texas. (She wasn't Sr. Susan at that point; she made her first profession of vows on the feast of Christ the King in November.) And, I told him what I'd been learning...

This period has been a time of deep introspection. I keep hearing "Be still and know that I am God." Bishop Piché gave me something else to ponder: "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening." It was exactly what I needed to hear because my desire is to do everything according to God's will, not mine, and the only way to do that is to listen to what He has to say to me. Being able to say that verse from I Samuel 3 has, and will continue to have, wondrous consequences in my life!

I told him that the evangelical counsels (obedience, chastity and poverty) have become great gifts to me, insofar as I understand them and put them into practice at this point. I understand more about how practicing them leads to a profound unity with the Holy Trinity.

I said I had felt like I had nothing to report to him a couple months ago but soon realized that that was not true at all. We talked about how this was a latent period in my life. He corrected me when I told him I thought it was a latent period when what I really meant was it seemed like a dormant period. He said latent was actually a good word for it. He went on to explain with an analogy. He said, when one sees an 8 week old baby on an ultrasound, one doesn't ask what color eyes he or she has. We must give the baby time to grow and develop eyes and, eventually, we will know the color of his or her eyes. He said it was the same for me right now. The Lord is forming a beautiful gift in the darkness of my being. One day, light will shine on this and I will know more about it. I think his point was I cannot rush God's work within me. I must trust that the "baby" is there and it will be born in the Lord's time and I will know then the details the Lord has been forming within. I thought that was excellent and a perfect and understandable analogy for me.

I told him I loved the idea that formation will take a lifetime because that idea greatly challenges me. I'm one who is results-oriented. This is forcing me to be in the process and not be so concerned as to what will happen in the future. I see how my being concerned about the future leads me to conjecture about what will be and how it will be done...in other words, how it should play out MY way. No, no, no! This is so much better, much more exciting and very challenging for me. I must wait on the Lord. I know, deep within myself, that what the Lord has in store will be way better than what I could ever conjure up.

At the last meeting, the bishop had recommended I read Pope John Paul II's "Vita Consecrata". It is a document on religious life. I loved reading it! In it, I found encouraging words and many ideas I hadn't ever before pondered. I summed up for the bishop some of the things I'd learned from studying it.

I mentioned that I was not very adept at asceticism/self-denial yet and was thinking of putting it into practice in small ways, like giving up things I enjoyed (chocolate came readily to mind!). He shook his head and told me not to do that. He said, if I did that, I would soon be on the road to prideful thinking. "Look how great I am. I'm giving up something!" Instead, he said, be open to the Lord's opportunities. He gave me the example of being delayed by something out of our control when we are on our way to doing something that seems important. We could sit there, being irritated, or we could say yes to God. In other words, I could accept that this event at this time is what God wants, which is contrary to what I want.

No sooner had I gotten back to work at the center after the meeting when I had an opportunity to put into action what the bishop had said about self-denial. Ten minutes before we were going to close for the day, a client of mine came in with her one year old baby. She didn't have anywhere to go for the night and she needed $80 for rent so she could move into a place the next day. My first reaction was typical of me: irritation that I'd have to stay late because I was tired, hungry and I was supposed to teach 2 piano lessons on my way home in a half hour. THEN, I remembered what the bishop had said about self-denial. It was a perfect presentation of what he had taught me and an opportunity to practice it. Immediately, I thanked God for the opportunity to serve Him and started focusing on my client and her needs. Of course, all shelters were full for the night by then. I asked her if she had any family with whom she could stay and she thought of her cousin. I asked her how she could get to her cousin's and she said she didn't know because she didn't have any money. I asked her if she would know how to take the bus to get there and she said she did. I gave her bus money and some apple and pumpkin bread slices that had been left over from the parenting class the day before because, by then, her little daughter was getting fussy. The front desk person who had chosen to stay with me found an umbrella stroller to give her. We waited with her until it was time for her to go out to the bus stop so they wouldn't have to be outside in the cold for long. These were such small offerings compared to the desperation of her situation!

I just know that God wanted to reinforce the bishop's lesson and so He gave me this marvelous opportunity. Not only was it an opportunity to say, "yes, Lord", but it gave me the sight to see before me, in a new and compassionate way, two children of God who needed help. I felt very blessed to be a part of it. And, somehow, my weariness and hunger had abated along the way...On the way home, I thanked God for the warm home in which I would be in a few minutes.

I share these things here because, in them, are many lessons all of us can learn. We are very blessed by the Wisdom of God, brought to us by this bishop who I have no doubt is God's servant.

Let us pray for our archbishops, our bishops and our priests, that they always teach us the Truth. I believe, in large measure, our souls depend on them.

the gift of music

I have known music in my life, all of my life. One of the earliest memories I have is of my whole family, all excited, coming down to the Twin Cities to buy a stereo. AND, the first record we bought that day was The Lennon Sisters Best Loved Catholic Hymns. (I fell in love with their voices and couldn't wait until Duluth got the channel that had Lawrence Welk on it, which happened years later.) Then, a couple years later, we bought the Sound of Music movie soundtrack when it came out after the movie did. I knew every single song within days. (I played it over and over!) The other precious memory I have is my father, who really could NOT play the piano, playing a most intricate piece, the name of which I will probably never know but I could hum it for you. He played with a great flourish, as if he was the grandest piano player in the world. I loved that so much! I could never quite believe he could "pull it out of his hat" the way he did, given he'd never had a lesson in his life. It was the only thing he could play and it became a gift to me whenever he played it. He also whistled ALL the time. We knew Dad was home by hearing his whistling before we ever saw him come through the door.

It was my father's desire that his children play the piano. To that end, he bought an old upright piano for $25 so that we could all practice on it. And, practice we did! I remember being very irritated one time because Mom made me practice while all my neighborhood friends were running around outside the window, laughing at me and having fun. That half hour seemed to drag on forever! Little did I know what a blessing that discipline would be in my life. It helped me when I was in college and the requirement was to practice 4 hours every day and 8 hours during the months preceding any recital. It's also helped me in many other ways unrelated to playing the piano. By the way, piano lessons cost 75 cents back then. It was well worth every penny!

My sisters, Mary and Pat, and I all eventually made our livings (or at least partially) playing for Church services and masses. My sister Kathy took lessons long enough to be able to play for enjoyment and I don't believe my brother Tom ever took lessons, which now seems odd. Maybe he took for a little while but never became proficient at it.

From the beginning, I loved, loved, loved playing the piano (unless, of course, there was something more exciting going on in the front yard!). And, this skill has brought me so many blessings throughout my life. Playing for Mass is, for me, an opportunity to praise God in the most beautiful and intimate way I can. The blessing of it continues to reverberate within my soul in new ways all the time. The piano is truly the instrument of my soul!

Then, there's the appreciation I have for beautiful music. Bach's Violin Concerto in d minor for Two Violins is probably my most favorite piece of music in the whole world, followed by his violin concertos in a minor and E Major. I drift off into another world whenever I listen to this most heavenly piece!

The older I get, the less I find myself listening to rock, even soft rock, or oldies, as I once did. I'm into classical music or liturgical music much more than ever. These soothe my soul.

I believe it is so important that parents give the gift of music to their children. We now know that music helps the development of the brain in many ways. And, I know it can be a gift that lasts a lifetime because it has been that for me. Sometimes, I wish that I could bring a piano into the pregnancy center to play for our clients and to teach them and their children how to play. I wonder sometimes what the lack of good music is doing to them. In those moments, I thank God for the exquisite blessing of music in my life.

my soul in stillness waits

Yesterday at Mass, we sang a hymn called "My Soul in Stillness Waits". The refrain goes like this: "For you, O Lord, my soul in stillness waits, truly my hope is in you." The verses are pleas to our Lord to bring us different gifts..."Come light the hearts of all in dark and shadow...Rain down upon our spirits, make us whole, be comfort to our hearts...guide us in our pilgrimage" and more. This year, as we sang, this whole idea resonated within me like it has never done before.

I have been experiencing a complete paradigm shift in my thinking lately. Ordinarily, if I'm awake, I'm running through life, busy, busy, busy. Busyness has always been my modus operandi. I've always been a bundle of energy with a million ideas to execute. Not so, any more. I've slowed down. I've taken to stopping for long periods (long, at least for me!) to listen to what God has to tell me, instead of conjuring up what I want to do next. I'm finally trying to pay attention to God and it feels grrrreat! No longer do I feel the weight of responsibility for whatever it was I was about. Yes, I still feel responsibility but I first heed what it is God has for me to do. My soul, in stillness, waits...and then waits some more. And, guess what? It's working out so much better this way! You may not be surprised about all this but I, the former control freak, certainly am!

Yes, I have times when I think I'm moving very slowly, too slowly...or that God is slow in His messages to me but then the thought "All in God's time" comes to me and I understand that there might be long periods when it seems like nothing is getting done but, in reality, a ton is getting done. It's all an internal process of being loved by God and loving Him more completely. These days, I easily break out in mammoth tears of great joy, praising God for His Wisdom, for His Love, for His timing, for His attention to the details of my life, all of which are perfect. How blessed I am to be loved by such a God as this!

I am beginning to understand how the ability to take vows of poverty, chastity and obedience can be gifts from God. In days gone by, I would not have been able to fathom such a thing. Now, I see that these can free a person to focus solely on God, resulting in pure joy as one continues to grow closer to God. I yearn for Him. This yearning is only satisfied in my relationship with God, most specifically by reception of the Holy Eucharist.

I was babysitting Liam and Ellie this morning from 6 AM to 9 AM. (Yes, the 4:30 alarm was a tad startling!) While I could have stayed with them for another 2 hours before I had to leave for work, there was something more pressing going on in my heart: getting to Mass. A parish in St. Paul offers a 10 AM Mass on weekdays, the only time I could attend today, and I hungered to be there. Now, you KNOW how much I love spending time with my grandchildren. Nothing in my life compares to how awesome it is to be with them. Nothing...except spending time with my dearest Lord and receiving His Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity every day.

For You, oh Lord, my soul in stillness waits, truly my hope is in You. Blessings on your Advent season, dear reader. May your soul wait quietly for our dear Lord. Trust me, wondrous things could happen if it does!

moment of grace

I find it interesting how God prods me to do different things. Two weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to get back to sleep. I started thinking about one of my daycare families who lives in Kansas. (I did home daycare full time while we lived there.) I got up, realizing it was fruitless to try to sleep when my mind was so active. I went to the computer and started researching. What I discovered was shocking. I found out that the dad, Greg, had died 8 years ago at the age of 42. I kept searching and found his obituary. It said he had died of an automobile accident in Topeka. (They live in Olathe, which is a suburb of Kansas City.) I sat there, praying, grieving, wondering what had happened. He left 4 children. I did some figuring, realizing they had to have been pretty young. The older two, Kaitlyn and Shawn, had to have been 12 and 10, the younger two probably around 6 or 7.

This story really begins the summer before Greg died. I was playing for the 8 AM Mass at St. Lawrence and, afterward, Kathy and Kaitlyn came up to the piano to tell me they were visiting and wondered if we could go out to breakfast. It was such an awesome surprise to see them! What in the world were the chances that Kathy and Kaitlyn would go to Mass at the exact time and place where I was? It was so interesting and definitely not happenstance! That was back in the day when I also played at the Presbyterian church so I didn't have much time in between but we did manage to go for a quick bite and get relatively caught up. I got Kathy's email address with the intention of keeping in touch. However, the week after that, I was again at St. Lawrence practicing for Into the Woods when someone broke into my car and stole the little purse I'd hidden under my seat. Apparently, the strap was showing just enough to clue the thief in about it. With my purse went Kathy's info and I never did anything to write or call her.

Thinking back on that time, there were many things going on around me: my then husband had had an aortic aneurysm and been in intensive care for 28 days, then in a regular hospital room and then rehab, the total time 100 days, before coming home to convalesce more. It was a traumatic time for all of us, our children most especially. My mother died the following January. Then, that February, little 5 year old Matteo was diagnosed with cancer. (Remember, I was with his family and him every day for 9 months until he died.) To say I was a little busy is an understatement! So, now, fast forward to today and, as I sat at my computer, I felt so very badly that I hadn't taken the time to be in contact with them. Perhaps I could have brought a bit of solace.

I looked and looked on the internet for a phone number and address. It looked as though they were still living at the same address but the phone number was not clear. I prayed about what to do. Should I call her, after all this time? As the days went on, it became crystal clear that I had to call her. So, I called the one number that was listed. It was no longer in service. Dead end. Now what? A couple more days went by and suddenly it came to me: I had their phone number in my old address book, right under my nose the entire time! I went back to the computer and went into White Pages where I typed in the number and, voila!, up came Greg's name. Ohhh, what if it wasn't current, given it was in his name??? I couldn't think about it. I called the number. A young girl answered! I asked for Kathy and told her who I was.

We spent the next hour and a half, talking and talking. Kathy told me that she had just been thinking about me. One of her co-workers is pregnant with her second child and she was looking for daycare because her parents have been caring for her first child and they decided it would be too difficult to care for both children. Kathy had told her that, when she was pregnant with her second, she didn't have to worry because I was there, caring for her children. I loved hearing that...maybe she and I were thinking of one another at the exact same time! And, I loved caring for her children. When I told her that I'm discerning religious life, she said she could definitely see that because I've always had a great joy within me. She said I was always smiling at the end of the day when they'd pick their kids up from my house. Part of me didn't want to hang up. What I learned next, however, was so painful, I needed to hang up and process what I'd just heard...

They, all six, had been in their van, driving from Shawn’s soccer game that Mother’s Day morning. They were going back to the motel to play and swim. A deer hit an SUV across the median on the other side and was propelled with the force of a missile into their front window. Greg was killed almost instantly, Kathy rendered unconscious, her left eye dislocated, the left side of her face greatly compromised, Kaitlyn with scratches and everyone else covered in blood and guts. Greg was driving at 70 miles an hour. They're not sure how the car got stopped. Maybe Greg had the presence of mind to put his foot on the brake. The car stopped right before it would have careened over an incline.

Can you imagine 4 little kids, their dad dead, their mother unconscious, in a car with a dead deer? Blessedly, the people who were at the soccer game were coming along behind them and stopped. The rescuers took the 3 youngest to the fire station where they could give them showers. Kathy said it took two showers to get all the carnage off of them. Kaitlyn stayed back, going into adult mode by calling the motel to see who might be staying there from the soccer game and could help. Meanwhile, Kathy was brought by ambulance to the hospital and had gained consciousness. The people there were telling her she had to tell the kids what happened, who, by now, were at the hospital. She asked if she could hold them in her arms when she told them and they told her she couldn't. She said, "Then, we wait for my family to get here."

She told me the funeral was attended by more than a thousand people. They were lined up outside the church and into the field next to it. Many who had been coached by Greg over the years came in uniforms. It was a powerful celebration of Greg's life.

I asked her how she had survived. She said she didn't have a choice; four children were looking to her to see how she would react.

I've thought about what she said about not having a choice. She DID have a choice. She could have given up in despair. She said she'd had to have 4 surgeries on her face in 3 years. Any one of those could have done her in emotionally.

I can tell that she has great faith. She said she asked for a sign that Greg was in heaven. In short order, three came to her. Then, she told Greg that he was still the father and he had to help her raise them. I believe he has, through intercessory prayer. She said she definitely believes in guardian angels because there were things that happened that were out of the ordinary. Because of those, one or more of the kids was spared.

It is interesting how I was not going to be at peace until I called her. The Holy Spirit certainly is insistent! (I've called Him a pest in the past...I no longer think of Him as a pest. I find that these urgings are filled with opportunities for grace and for growing in love and faith and am in complete awe of how He directs me where to go next.) I told Kathy I would like to keep in touch. And, I will.

The one sobering thing I learned was that Kaitlyn just turned 21. That means I'm getting REALLY old...or, wait a sec...maybe I was just really young when I took care of her as a baby!

Regarding this, I have gained a sense of how earthly time is inconsequential. Superficially, it felt like we just picked up where we'd left off. However, it is more than that. I have a sense that my prayers today meant something 8 years ago. Back then, God knew I'd be praying for them now and so they were probably put to good use back then. I wish I could explain this better. I think I understand a little more about Our Lord being past, present and future. This insight makes my requests of the saints to pray for me and my loved ones all the more powerful because, here on earth, we can be a part of the communion of saints from generations before us and generations after us. We are all connected in God's realm. Alleluia!

God answers prayers!

Prayer is extremely important to me. I think the most important prayer I pray is one of gratitude. I don't seem to be able to stop thanking God for all the blessings He brings to my life. And, He answers prayers in the most powerful ways. Good--no, great--things always come from His handiwork.

Volunteers and the staff at our center are of utmost importance to the work that is done there. Recently, a new executive director called to ask my advice on how to keep volunteers engaged. I told her that I have always thought a large part of my job was to nurture and protect volunteers. I think that has paid off because people have come and stayed for years and years. There is very little turnover.

The first thing I always do is thank every volunteer as they are leaving the center. I am so very grateful for their presence and their willingness to share their talents and time there. They bring gifts that are uniquely theirs and extremely useful for our clients' benefit and they make our organization much stronger as a result. I told my cohort that I take an interest in their lives because I love them and want to know how they are doing. I try to follow up with them about something they told me the next time I see them. Volunteers like to be busy and, blessedly, at our center that is rarely a problem! There are always baby clothes to sort, things to organize, diapers to bag, etc. Special projects come up quite a lot, too.

One thing I've noticed is that, sometimes, the center can become a place of healing for volunteers. A few weeks ago, a woman came in, expressing interest in counseling, telling me she had just graduated with an RN degree and was looking for work. She seemed to have a passion for life. I explained that she would have to go to the TLC training before she could counsel and then she'd have to spend 16 hours observing sessions at the center. She started a couple weeks later and, boy, did she come in like gangbusters! Every volunteer in her wake came to me, expressing how irritated he or she was by her aggressive tactics. I'd never had anything quite like this before! It all came to a head one day when the client services advocate told me her spirit was riled by her presence. I suggested we pray about it. As we did, the thought came into my head that the new volunteer had had an abortion. I wondered what I was supposed to do with that thought! It didn't take long to discover what the answer to THAT was: nothing. I was to let God work and I was to get out of His way. The first thing that happened was she confided in the client services advocate that she'd had an abortion several years ago and she had never dealt with it. Bingo! When the advocate told me, it occurred to me that I must ask her to fill out the volunteer form required by the board of directors. On it was the question "Have you had any experience with abortion?". I wondered how she would answer it. If she answered no, she'd be lying to me. If she answered yes, it would be my in to get her to talk about it. She answered yes and so I asked her to tell me about her experience. It was then that her story came out in a flood of words. It appeared she had many emotional challenges. I told her that I could not allow her to counsel at the center because it was against TLC's policy. Her counseling could cause damage to herself and to our clients, given where she was about her own abortion right now. I told her I wasn't shutting the door to her ever counseling but it was required that she attend a program such as Conquerors or Rachel's Vineyard and come to a healing about her abortion first. I encouraged her to seek individual counseling, too. She got quiet for a bit and told me that, as she looked around at the things I had in my office (i.e. my crucifix, the rotating photos on my computer screen of my grandchildren), she now understood why she'd been called to the center. It was because we were a people of prayer and she knew that I would pray for her. She said it was time for her to deal with her abortion. She said she couldn't stuff it down any longer. It didn't go away no matter how hard she tried to hide it from herself. The next day, she sent me a correspondence she'd had with a Conquerors coordinator about beginning the program. She really was serious about working on this!

I learned a lot that day. One thing that amazed me was the swiftness in which God had answered our prayers regarding this matter. Another was the realization that I did not have the wisdom God imparted within me. It truly was a gift from Him! Also, I learned that I was only one small part of this whole situation. The client advocate had really gotten the ball rolling with her ability to get people to talk to her about very intimate things. I was humbled, as well as in awe of how God had worked. A dear friend of God's had been steered in a direction where healing could take place for her. And, we had all taken part in, and had been privy to, God's way of doing things. Peace had been restored! I marveled at how God protects our center so that good work can continue to be done there.

I am very blessed to be able to work in a place where God is present in such real and beautiful ways!

a child of God

I am a child of God.
I am a child of God who loves me.
I am a child of God who knows my heart.
I am a child of God who knows I am trying, for His glory, to do only good.
I am a child of God who has waited patiently for my return from sin.
I am a child of God who has forgiven me my trespasses over and over again.
I am a child of God who guards me from temptation.
I am a child of God who gives me courage when it is needed.
I am a child of God who holds my hand through life's difficult moments.
I am a child of God who lives within me.
I am a child of God who refreshes my soul.
I am a child of God who rules with justice.
I am a child of God who keeps His promises to me.
I am a child of God who is wise beyond all understanding.
I am a child of God who imparts His wisdom on His people.
I am a child of God who gives me peace in times of trial.
I am a child of God who sees that I have all that I need.
I am a child of God who blesses me in beautiful ways.
I am a child of God who has taught me to look for joy in all circumstances.
I am a child of God who died a terrible death so that I might live with Him forever.
I am a child of God who is the Way, the Truth and the Life.
I am a child of God and I love Him.
I am a child of God.

lessons on raising children

This past Wednesday evening, I attended Relevant Radio's Fr. Rocky's talk "Five Virtues Every Parent Should Pass on to Their Children". Here are my notes on the points he made. What he had to say was excellent! I added my own thoughts below, in italics.

+ + + + +

To pass on the Faith to children, fathers and mothers should love one another, their children and their faith.

5 Virtues:

1. Hard Work: Give your children a taste for hard work. Teach them to take care of themselves and of others. (Eventually, they will need to take care of their own children and their parents in old age.) Give them a sense of satisfaction, of participation in life, through working hard. Hard work is a preparation for a strong spiritual life.

I have come to understand that discipline comes from parents teaching their kids to be obedient and to work hard. I think discipline comes out of following this point.

2. Sincerity and honesty: They can grow in sincerity through frequenting the sacrament of Confession. Train children not to feel sorry for themselves.

Children learn to be honest with themselves when they examine their consciences in preparation for Confession. If we teach them to feel sorry for themselves, they will not grow to be unselfish for their focus will always be on themselves. I would add to Fr. Rocky's point that complaining should not be allowed.And, truly, honesty is not the best policy. It's the ONLY policy!

3. Piety: Affection for God. Love for the Blessed Mother, through which we learn of Jesus' humanity. Say the Holy Rosary as a family. The Rosary is a sacramental, not a sacrament, so use it in ways children will get it...begin with one Hail Mary, then one decade, etc. Make Sundays special. Visit the adoration chapel with the children.

I remember, when I was in first grade and at Mass, I longed to be able to receive Holy Communion as the older children were. I believe that time of longing set the stage for my lifelong hunger for the Holy Eucharist and my yearning to be close to God. That desire came from what was happening in my home, where Catholic education, prayer, service to God and spending time with God in adoration were priorities.

4. Poverty: Don't consider anything your own. Try to have nothing superfluous. Don't complain if you're lacking something you need.

To me, this is vital. If we really heed what Jesus asks us to do, we must not concern ourselves with the extra baggage of unneeded things. And, realizing all things come from God and have very little to do with us, we'll get along much better in our lives and we'll be much freer to share our possessions with those who need them. And, in my opinion, complaining just leads to bitterness over what we think we lack.

5. Purity: Parents guide in use of TV, Internet, Radio. Have respect for one another. Definition of modesty: dress in such a way that people want to look at your face, not other parts of your body. That's where true communication happens.

I went to a concert last night that was a benefit for a local pro-life organization. While the performer was entertaining, I spent the entire time trying with concentrated effort to look at her face, not her upper thighs and the areas of her body near her upper thighs. The hemlines on her outfits were there and my eyes kept going there. Blessedly, her clothes did not show any cleavage but the rest was distracting, at least to me. I kept thinking about Fr. Rocky's definition of modesty and i decided this was not it. I kept picturing the performer who is very, very beautiful, in long dresses that would motivate us to look at her face, which is probably the prettiest face I've ever seen in my life. Yet and still...my eyes stayed focused on the area where her hems were unless I consciously moved them to her face. What a shame! If only people understood that their faces are the most interesting thing about themselves, especially when they are singing or saying something they want people to hear. I like Fr. Rocky's definition of modesty. If we all followed it, I believe we'd find ourselves taken much more seriously and respected more.

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Last night after the concert, I met someone whom I have admired from afar for a while. It was such a privilege to finally meet her! It was her son about whom I wrote last spring who was quoted in the local Catholic paper as having only one goal in life and that was to become a saint. Last night, I told his mother that I had great respect for her to have raised a son who, in this culture and day and age, would think like that. She said there was one teacher in particular who had influenced his thinking when he was young and also she had surrounded him with good Catholic families. I think that idea, in part, is the ticket. Parents need to take seriously the environment in which they raise their children. I also believe faith is the greatest gift we can give to our children and THAT begins in our homes.

Before the concert, I took myself out to dinner and found myself seated close to a family that had six children and a mother and a father. What caught my attention first was the dad, in profile, looked exactly like a priest friend of mine (who is now living in Florida). Then, I noticed the kids and started counting! THEN, I noticed the dad was getting after one of his sons who looked to be about 3. He called him Liam, which is my grandson's name. I kept observing. I noticed that the kids were all very well-behaved. Each one seemed to have an opportunity to have a say about whatever it was they were discussing around the table. The father showed affection to the children sitting next to him and to his entire family, in general. I was leaving the restaurant at the same time they were so I made it a point to tell the dad what I'd noticed and that I worked at a pro-life pregnancy center and that it warmed my heart to see such a large family. I thanked him for being open to life. He told me he enjoyed his kids a lot.

As you can see, I had a busy and productive evening last night. I was glad to gain an extra hour for sleep after all that!

a day of great beauty in God's house

I had the privilege to participate in a Franciscan Brothers of Peace celebration today. Brothers Maximilian and Seraphim made their first vows. The Brothers chose the music and I helped execute it by playing the organ and piano. Brother Conrad played his penny whistle and I accompanied him on "Be Thou My Vision", then the Brothers sang a hymn called "Most High and Glorious God" as preludes. As the Brothers were singing a capella, I ran up to the organ to get ready to play "All Creatures of Our God and King" for the opening procession. (I cautioned Bishop Piché to walk slooooooowly as we were going to be singing all seven verses. His response: "Oh, my!") I had fun playing the organ on that hymn. Because there were so many verses, I had to mix it up quite a bit in terms of registrations. I did NOT want it to sound the same on every verse. I stayed at the organ for the Gloria, as the Brothers had chosen a chant-like version of it and it fit well with a soft organ sound while the congregation sang it. Psalm 25 was sung beautifully by the cantor Amanda Schnabel, who is one of the principle cantors at St. Columba. As always, Bishop Piché's homily was excellent. Then came the vows and the blessing of the rings. It was awesome to witness these dear young men solemnly profess their vows and commitment to God. Their fellow Brothers sang the Offertory hymn "Where Charity and Love Prevail" by themselves with me accompanying them. They always have such a beautiful sound. One can tell they sing together in prayer a lot! The Communion hymn "Jesus, My Lord, My God, My All", a beautiful old hymn, was sung by Amanda and Brother Conrad, with the congregation joining us on the refrain. Amanda sang Schubert's Ave Maria as a Communion meditation. It was absolutely exquisite EXCEPT for the fact that I came in on her first note about a nano-second before her. (This is a horrifying thing for a professional accompanist to do!) Afterward, I kidded that we haven't done any funerals together lately so I was out of practice. (The Ave Maria is ALWAYS requested for funerals!) Amanda graciously told me she hadn't noticed my faux pas. Many, many people approached her after Mass about how lovely she sang, especially the Ave Maria. I was glad I hadn't done any damage...as IF I could with her! She sings like an angel and always rolls with whatever is thrown to her at a moment's notice. As people approached her, I put in a plug for the play she is starring in at the Bloomington Civic Theatre through most of November. She is one of four characters in Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris. I saw it last week and it is awesome! Go see it, if you can, and tell Amanda afterward that I sent you! She'll realize Big Mouth is at it again. I'm her groupie and love to promote whatever play she's in at the moment. (Next up: Into the Woods!) After the Mass, the Brothers hosted a lovely luncheon for all of us at the friary. It was fun to extend the celebrating into their house. They are very gracious hosts!

I was on a natural high the rest of the day. A friend of mine told me she felt great joy emanating from me when she walked into church for the 4:30 Mass and before she could say anything to me. It was true! It is a great honor, a huge blessing, to be in a position to serve God through music during Mass. I always hope all people in the congregation feel the same way and they sing with great gusto and joy, no matter how badly they think their singing is!

As I was observing the Brothers' vows, I thought to myself what a blessing it was to know such holy people as were standing in the sanctuary right then: Brothers Paul, John Mary, Max, Seraphim (Brothers James and Pio were sitting in the lectors' pew off to the side in the sanctuary), His Excellency, Fathers Grabner and Hoang, Deacon Curtan... and nearby were Amanda, Brothers Conrad and Joseph who were the music ministers...others in the congregation whom I know...and not forgetting the legions of angels and saints who were there, too. I realized we were all there, helping one another get to heaven...and the angels and saints were there, rooting us on and praying for us. Isn't that just beautiful?

my acceptance speech

People have asked me to share with them the speech I gave today in acceptance of the Arthur A. Herkenhoff Award from Catholic Parents Online. Here it is. I always try to be poignant, thought-provoking and funny when I give a speech. In other words, if I make them laugh and cry, I've done my job!

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This award is special to me because I, too, had a father who stood courageously for life--all of his life. He taught his children that people, not things, are important. He would take us on his daily rounds through St. Mary’s Hospital in Duluth. It was his mission every day to visit people he knew and those he didn’t. He would pass out Louis L'Amour western novels that he had found in garage sales or used bookstores. I told him once that women might not like western novels but he just shrugged and kept doing it. Years later, I met a woman who had received one of these books and she told me how much she'd enjoyed reading it. Dad was right. He was ALWAYS right! And, he walked around the abortion clinic in Duluth for years and years, praying the Holy Rosary, entreating women not to go in. And at 80 years old, he was still doing it but it came at great cost to him because of terrible pain due to an infirmity in his feet. Still, he persevered. His example inspires my work at the life care center.

I’ve been blessed to be able to do many things in my life. I will always be grateful because they have been opportunities to grow spiritually. They have also opened doors to meeting wonderful, faith-filled people.

I loved being a participant in new life as I was having and raising my children. Each one of them has taught me unique lessons in love, faith AND a couple of them taught me great patience! And, now, my grandchildren—-my awesome, adorable, magnificent grandchildren!...I doubt I’ve ever known such joy as they bring to me. I tell my daughter-in-law that I TRY to follow the house rules but it’s tough. I have to fight every fiber of my being not to spoil them rotten. I play with them at least one morning every week and one day I brought sugar cookies I’d made and they came running, Nana’s here, Nana...then they saw what was in my hand and cried, “Cookies!” Of course, I gave them each one. Brendan, who was home on vacation that day, chastised me with, “MOTHER, they haven’t had breakfast yet!” I replied, “Oh, Brendan, these are breakfast cookies. Do you want one?” There’s more than one way to get around the parents when you’re the Nana!

To entice whole congregations to pray more fully and sing praises to our dear Lord is my heart’s delight! I think about how the angels surround us at Mass and resolve to always do the very best I can for God’s glory. Now, I’m not perfect at this. An elderly Sister told me that I command people to sing. I told her I didn't think that was necessarily a good thing. I might have to change my approach! AND, I HAVE been known to teach a hymn wrong to entire congregations and have had to re-teach it to them when I realized what I’d done! A lesson in humility! Still, it's awesome to look out into the congregation and see everyone with their hymnals open, ready to sing the next hymn.

Our work at the crisis center can be very challenging. We are fighting a great spiritual war! We work together, we pray together, all to help our clients see the truth about their babies. And, a beautiful thing is men now come to our classes. They, too, want to be good parents.

Recently, a client came for a pg test. It was positive. A few days later, she came in for an ultrasound. A few days after that, the sonographer called her to follow up. Everything seemed fine. She said she had prenatal care lined up. Then, 2 weeks after that, she called after hours and talked with the after hours counselor for an hour, sobbing the entire time. She said everyone in her life wanted her to have an abortion and she just didn’t want to do it. In the end, she promised she wouldn’t have the abortion, which was scheduled the next morning. I called her the next afternoon, praying that she would answer. She did and told me that she had gone to her abortion appointment. She’d walked around for a long time, not going in. Her sister finally told her just to go in, so she did. As she was filling out the paperwork, she knew that she couldn’t go through with it. She walked out and, as soon as she was outside, she looked up and saw a life care center, Highland LifeCare Center. She decided to go in. There, she met with a counselor who told her, as we had, they would help her any way they could. She thanked me for calling and told me she would come in for prenatal classes. I so look forward to meeting her precious child in a few months!

I ask that you pray for us. One Hail Mary each day is all I ask! We need prayer support surrounding us as we fight this battle.

Thank you for this lovely honor. I gratefully accept it for the glory of God. And, I promise I will try very hard to live by the spirit of it all the rest of my life.

an honor

The other day I received a call from Colleen Perfect, informing me that I am to receive the annual Arthur A. Herkenhoff Award from Catholic Parents Online. It was an honor to hear this news and also disconcerting...

I'm not doing what I'm doing for recognition. When I think about it on a very basic level, I'm doing what I do so I can get to heaven. I long to be with God for all eternity and, with His grace, I try very, very hard to go where He wants me to go. Also, when things like this happen to me, my mind goes right to prideful thinking. My son teased me that soon he'll have to make a trophy room (for all TWO of my awards!) for me. I said, yeah, and the first thing that should go up on the wall is my big head!

I figured out that I must be gracious and accept awards when they come my way, not because I'm so great, but because of what they represent and can teach others. This particular award is in memory of a man who followed God's Will with great joy. He had a final awesome gift from God when he died right at the Consecration at Mass. You can read more about him at: www.catholicparents.org

Colleen asked if I would say a FEW words when I accept the award. I told her she doesn't know what she asks--people who know that I'm going to be speaking bring hooks so they can haul me off stage when I go on and on! Loquacity, after all, is my middle name! She laughed.

Anyway, it's another opportunity to grow in humility. Besides, it will be free advertising for LifeCare Center East and St. Columba...not to mention for grandparents everywhere!

God certainly does bless us during our lives in very beautiful ways!

guardian angels

Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God's love commits me here...Ever this day be at my side to light and guard, to rule and guide. Amen

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Do you pray this to your guardian angel? Truthfully, I'd forgotten about this prayer until I was with the Sisters in NYC last week. They say it every time they get in the car. It came back to me quickly. It was a favorite prayer of mine in my childhood.

I may have been fairly negligent of my guardian angel over the years but I know this precious angel was not negligent of me. I can look back and know without any doubt who was responsible for keeping me safe many, many times. One time that comes easily to mind was the summer between second and third grades when I almost drowned in the lake at our cabin. A friend of my sister's pulled me to safety. Barb Monsaas. I will never forget her.

Then, there are all the times the guardian angels of my children had to have been working overtime, keeping them safe. One son had a skiing accident, leaving him only with a concussion and a chipped front tooth. It could have been so much worse! (It happened right after Sonny Bono was killed in a skiing accident so you know where MY mind went!) Another son broke the law by threatening a teacher (RIGHT after Colombine). I don't believe he set out to break the law and, at the time, did not really understand what he did was very, very wrong. He was charged with a felony and spent a night in the juvenile detention center. While his father and I waited for his court appearance the next day, I could feel the angels surrounding us. Peace descended on me in a way I never would have thought possible, given the circumstance. My prayer was that justice be served and that my son learn a lesson. Justice WAS served that day. The prosecutor worked to reduce the charge to a misdemeanor because she said he'd never been in trouble before, his parents appeared to be very involved in his life and she felt certain they would never see him again in court. (She was right on all counts.) My son was a changed person after that experience. The night he spent in the detention center was an entire education in itself. He told me that there were kids there whose parents beat them up regularly, whose parents didn't want anything to do with them, who spent years in foster care. He followed me around for days afterward, asking if he could help me. (I wanted to ask him who he was and what had he done with my son! Instead, I just reveled in his kind attitude and thanked God he had learned valuable life lessons.) I, for my part, couldn't stop hugging him! He was sentenced to 60 hours of community service, to be supervised by me. I was so glad he was given a sentence like that. It proved to be character-building, as well as a punishment. And, trust me, I put him through his paces! As a result, he gained much experience in helping others in our community through the varied jobs he had to do. My daughter was in a roll-over accident, due to a friend's driving inexperience and poor judgment and black ice, in which she was not wearing a seat belt. She could have easily been thrown from the car and killed. She sustained a bad cut on her forehead and her back was strained. No one else in the car suffered any injuries, a miracle in itself. I walked around for two weeks, thinking I could have been planning her funeral and rejoicing--REALLY rejoicing--and thanking God that she was alive. (I STILL rejoice and praise God about that, years later!) I considered it a new psych diagnosis: parental post-traumatic stress syndrome. I knew, without doubt, that their angels were watching over all of the girls in the car that night. Too, throughout our lives, there are probably countless near misses of which we are unaware.

Whether we know it or not, our guardian angels are very important in our lives. The Church must think so, too, because they have their own feast day: October 2nd. So, the next time you have a near miss, take a moment to thank your guardian angel for keeping you safe...or just give thanks, out of the blue! I have a feeling our guardian angels appreciate our gratitude, especially when they are forced to work overtime--and even when they're not!

a different sort of week...yet not!

I spent this past Sunday through Wednesday morning in NYC with the Sisters of Life and then Wednesday, Thursday and today with my son Evan who, at 26, had his tonsils out on Tuesday, and is recovering (very well!) at home now. Evan told me that he probably would have been okay by himself but it was a great comfort for him to have me there with him. (I didn't do what I threatened to do: sit in a chair next to his bed and freak him out every time he woke up with my face next to his, watching him!) It's been a comfort to me, too. I needed to make sure he was taking his medicine and getting as nourished and hydrated as possible. Besides, a mother has to care for her child, no matter how old he is, when something like this happens!

The quiet time with Evan has been a relief from all the activity of my life. While Evan sleeps, I read, pray, contemplate. It has nourished my spirit.

My time with the Sisters was exquisitely beautiful. Mother Agnes Donovan and her Sisters were so welcoming and hospitable! I have never seen a face as Christ-like as Mother's. Kindness, hospitality, humility, love, patience, joy, peace--I don't think these words begin to express what is there. I wanted to stay there in her eyes forever. I can't think of any other way to put it. She generously gave of her time, allowing the easy ability to ask questions and sharing some of the journey the Sisters have undertaken since they began. It hasn't been easy! However, every single Sister I met had the same peaceful, joy-filled countenance. They truly love living their lives for Jesus!

I certainly experienced the rigors of their life as community! The first bell of the day rang at 5 AM as a wake-up call, the second at 5:30 to announce prayer in the chapel. We prayed until 6:45 when Mass was said. 7:30 brought breakfast and then it was off to the duties of the day. 12:15 was mid-day prayer, then lunch, followed by more apostolic work. 5:00 to 6:30, evening prayer. 6:30 dinner, followed by night prayer. Lights out at 9. They pray 4 hours and work 6 hours a day. It is a very disciplined way of life. Their days are encased in prayer, something I found very attractive.

I learned about their postulant and novitiate programs. I spent a bit of time at their retreat center. Due to time restraints, I did NOT visit their maternity home or center, something I told Mother I knew I'd regret when I got home. The consolation is in the realization that I'll just have to go back again!

There was something of happenstance--a priest was there from Melbourne, Australia and he followed along with us. He had accompanied one of his parishioners who was entering the community and he had decided to stay for a while to learn what the Sisters do. He's contemplating a Brother order for life issues. He and I plan to keep in contact via email. I will learn so much from him, as I already have, because he and I are on a very similar path.

One of the best things that came out of the trip was I met a woman named Sue Kennedy from Tyler, Texas. She was there at the same time I was, at the urging of Mother who thought we might have much in common. Little did any of us realize to what extent we would connect! We became fast friends, something I believe will last the rest of our lives. I just kept thinking that I was surrounded by saints in the making there, Sue being one of them. What a blessing it is to know her!

With the blessing and under the direction of her bishop, Sue is beginning a new community in Tyler called the Daughters of Divine Hope. To learn more, please go to the website:

http://www.daughtersofdivinehope.org/mainpage.html

You will find there a wonderful interview with Sue about her life. She is a most remarkable woman! I so loved spending time with her.

I have more to report but it will have to wait for another day when I can clearly state what I will tell you. It's still in contemplative process...and I've learned I must not rush through such things.

In the title of this entry, I stated it was a different sort of week, yet not. The details were different but God's presence was ever visible, as always. I can sum it up by stating that God is always with us, day in and day out. The details may vary but God's presence is the common denominator of our lives and it is very comforting!

Thank you for praying for me. I felt surrounded by prayer this week and continue to do so. It is a great blessing!

traveling

Well, I'm off to NYC tomorrow to spend 3 days with the Sisters of Life and Mother Agnes. My son will be holding down the fort in my absence. (He's not too thrilled to have to clean out Adeline's litter box while I'm away!) I have a feeling it will be a time of much learning. I will share with you what I learn when I get back.

Please know that all readers of this blog will be in my prayers when I am away. You and I are on quite a journey through this life and it's very beautiful because God is with us every step of the way.

a paradigm shift

I think I have figured something out. This has come to me as a result of my meeting with the bishop the other day. It's pretty huge: I believe I have to work on turning my thinking in a different direction--a paradigm shift.

As I look back, I am seeing that, for most of my life, my modus operandi has been founded on pride and arrogance. In essence, my way was THE way to do things. I think my attitude was, "OK, here's my idea...let's do it this way and here's how we should do it". I did this even with God. I am GREAT at begging. Ask anyone who volunteers at the center or the people to whom I go to help me with clients' financial needs. I may have a sweet way to beg that gets everyone on board with me but this is not really very good when it comes to doing God's Will.

From now on, my attitude and prayer are going to be, "Lord, I come to do YOUR Will, not mine." And, I am going to try very hard to mean it. After all, there is no room for pride or arrogance on the road to the Kingdom. Naturally, reforming my prideful ways will not be easy but I'm going to try very hard to do it. With God's grace, I will succeed.

It will be a very good thing to work on ridding myself of pride. I have a hunch it will probably take me a while, given I've lived by it for a very long time, but that's OK. Rome wasn't built in a day, y'know!

good news, twice!

Good news from the trenches~~~

The client of whom I wrote here on August 26th came to her ultrasound appointment this past week. Her boyfriend was with her. She told me she had had her first OB appointment and all looked good. There was no longer any talk of having an abortion. And, her sweet child is growing bigger and bigger! Her boyfriend's eyes were glued to the images and I could tell he was quite enthralled by it all. (She allowed me in for the ultrasound when I asked.) Praise God!

Yesterday, a man came into the center, asking if I remembered him. I told him I recognized his face and asked him to tell me about himself. As soon as he started talking, I said, stop right there. Everything came flooding back to me. Two years ago, he had come into the center and I was his counselor. He had asked me if I knew of a way that a husband could stop his wife from having an abortion. I told him I didn't think there was anything legally he could do but referred him to a well-known pro-life lawyer to make sure. We talked a very long time that day, his agony becoming my agony. What a travesty that fathers have no legal say in whether their children live or die by abortion! He told me his wife was adamant in going through with the abortion and, in fact, she had one scheduled. He was suffering great torment, knowing what she was about to do. I asked him to invite her into the center for an ultrasound. By then, I knew that she was well-educated and so I told him to tell her it was important for her to know everything she could before having the abortion. Well, she DID come in with him that afternoon but she left, still abortion-minded. The next week, the husband and I talked on the phone. He told me she couldn't find anyone to take her to the abortion mill so she'd had to cancel the appointment. That's about where the story ended for me. I had tried to call him a couple times but never got a response so I continued to pray for them and asked others to pray, too.

It's probably not unreasonable that I didn't recognize him at first. He looked like a completely different person. Whereas two years ago, all of the anguish showed in his eyes and on his face and his demeanor was almost one of defeat or despair, yesterday, there was a lightness to him, a joyful energy. It was as if his whole body was smiling because.....They now have a one year old baby girl who is very precious to both her parents and her older brother! Her name is a beautiful one, a gift from her father's heritage. As he showed me photos of her, I wept. I couldn't help it. (It didn't help that he told me I was a special angel for them during those days!) My heart leaped for joy. A little child whose FATHER and mother had come to us had been allowed to live! He told me it hadn't been easy. It had taken several more appointments at the abortion mill for her final decision, once and for all, to have the baby. He said the lawyer told him what I had told him but he had found him to be of great solace to him. He said it had helped to talk with him. At the end of our visit, he promised to bring his children in for me to see. What a glorious day that will be!

After he left, I was thinking about something. A couple years ago, I wondered if I should look for a full time position somewhere so I could get health benefits. My insurance premiums were about to go up to almost $1000 a month and I couldn't afford it but I knew I needed insurance. I applied for different jobs, with not one open door to a new opportunity as a result. Then, I was told about a plan that the State had for people who cannot get insurance through their employers. It cut my premium in half and made it affordable once again. God had worked it all out for me so that I would be able to continue doing what I was doing. I was thinking that, had I been successful in getting other work, I would not have been at the center yesterday and would never have known about this dear child, whose life means so much to me--and to everyone else in this world, come to think of it! I thanked God for showing me the fruit of my labor in this situation. It was an awesome blessing from a most awesome God!

meeting with the bishop: lessons on faith

This week, I met with Bishop Piché. As was the case in my first meeting with him, it was filled with blessings and many lessons given from a very wise and (I believe) holy man. Over the course of these meetings, he is gently, yet firmly, steering me to think in ways that are much more conducive to completely living one's life with God. I am always amazed at what I learn from him!

At the beginning of our meeting, I got a little teary-eyed, as did he, when I told him just what his ordination had meant to me. I said that I had the impression that he hadn't vied for the job and was happy doing what he had been doing but, amid all the grand pomp and circumstance, he was standing up in a very public way and saying "Yes, Lord, I will do Your Will". In that moment, he was a shepherd to us, or at least to me, and calling me to say yes to our dear Lord, too. I could tell he was touched by my words but he joked by saying he didn't feel like much of a shepherd that day, given he was being told where to stand, where to sit, when to do this, when to do that.

I told him the best advice anyone had ever given me was when he told me at our last meeting that I am to look only to today, not into the future, to ask what God wants of me. I told him I ask every morning what God is wanting of me that day and I see his dear face in my head. He shook his head and said that was unfortunate because he always feels blessed that he is wearing that face so he doesn't have to look at it all the time. I thought that was cute. He certainly does have a sense of humor!

Of course, we then got down to business and delved into just what I was doing. He told me I should not be thinking in terms of forming a new community. That would be putting the cart before the horse. Out of my relationship with God, this may or may not happen but it MUST come out of my relationship with God. He said God was giving me a gift and the IDEA of forming a community was merely the gift wrap. He said the most important part of a gift is not the wrapping, it's the relationship between giver and receiver. I told him I understood. And, I do...I've come to see that doing God's work today and the next and the next may or may not lead to a community. Only God knows the big picture and, as long as I keep doing His Will today, it won't matter if it's formed or not in my life time. What will matter is that I will have done my part to further God's Kingdom here on earth.

He affirmed several things that I am doing right but the most important thing he did was challenge me to think in new ways so as to grow, to change, to love God more fully. I so appreciated that! Affirmations are nice but challenges are better, for how else will I grow in faith?

I've come to see more clearly that I cannot be in charge of my life. I think I've spent a large part of my life, thinking I was. The bishop and I talked about how obedience to God is the foundation of everything. I told him I give great lip service to obedience. Historically, I spent many years being a disobedient child. And, now I can give 80 or 90% toward obedience but I'm working on giving 100%. I truly believe I must be "all in" if my life is to mean anything.

At the end, he asked me to get "something on the books" for 6 to 8 weeks from now. In my head, I was thinking "Yikes!" because I have so very much work to do between now and then to prepare for that meeting. (He gave me a lot to think about and to do!) However, I was humbled by the fact that he was open to meeting with me again.

Afterward, I was thinking about how God has been preparing me for this time in my life. I started my journey toward obedience years ago. The Holy Spirit incited something within me, to wake me up, to call me to change long ago. It's just now that it's becoming clearer to me what this all is about: my journey through life, with God at the helm.

I am very blessed to be the student of such wise lessons. What a gift our bishop is to us in this archdiocese!

a sweet story

The other day, I was called to play for an evening funeral service at St. Lawrence. I was told the family could not afford to pay any musicians. Of course, I said yes. I've always felt pro bono work was important to do under this kind of circumstance. And, too, it's a corporal work of mercy to bury the dead and a spiritual work of mercy to pray for the dead which, to me, seemed like a more important issue. (I like doing works of mercy.) The secretary wondered if I knew of a cantor who might be available.

I thought of Frances, who is 12 years old and has been cantoring weekend masses for a year. I talked with her mother when I called. Her mother told me she was saying yes for Frances who was in school at the time. (She joked that Frances could smack her afterward!) Frances called me later and we agreed to meet and practice at least the one hymn she didn't know. We practiced that night for about a half hour. She easily learned the hymn and we went over the other hymns she would be singing, too.

As we were walking out of church, I thanked her for doing this. She said a girl friend had asked her to go to a dance at another school the night of the funeral and she'd decided that she'd rather sing for a funeral (her first time singing for one) because someone had died and it was a big deal to sing for someone's funeral. I could tell she was deeply touched to be asked to sing for it and that it meant something to her to honor the life of a person, even someone she didn't know.

I had a feeling the Holy Spirit was involved in all this. When I told the brother of the deceased that Frances would be singing, he was so happy. He said that, when he'd told his brothers and sisters that a young girl might be singing, they had gotten all excited because their sister had loved her nieces and nephews so much and they knew that she would have loved that Frances would sing for her funeral.

When we arrived at the church, people were coming up to Frances, saying they'd heard about her beautiful singing. (Hmmm...People must have really believed me when I had told them about her!) Father was very gracious and welcoming to her, explaining the order of the service, and joking a bit with her.

Frances sang her little heart out. It was utterly exquisite and she did everything she was asked to do, even traversing across the sanctuary, stopping to bow before the altar, to the ambo where she sang the Psalm. She told me she does it when she sings for her school's masses so it didn't seem to phase her.

Afterward, I asked her if she'd been nervous (making sure to tell her that she hadn't sounded nervous at all). She said, no, but she'd had a couple moments, first when she started to sing, seeing all the eyes looking at her, and then when she was singing and everyone was crying. She said it was an odd thing to be the only one not crying.

As we were walking to my car and talking about how it had gone, she asked what we were going to do next. Was I going to take her home? It seemed as though she was really asking if we could spend more time together in the excitement of having done something she'd never done before. I asked her if she wanted to go for supper or ice cream. She said, "Oh, ice cream!" As I started backing out of the parking spot, I noticed in my rear view mirror a woman running toward the car. She caught up to us and said she hadn't noticed that we'd left and wanted to give us something. She handed us 2 envelopes. She thanked us for the beautiful music and left. We ripped open our envelopes and each of us found $50 cash. Frances got all excited and I got all excited, too, reveling in her excitement! After a minute, she said something about how we hadn't read our notes, that it was rude that we didn't. I laughed and said she was right and we read the kind expressions of gratitude from the family.

We had a very nice time, over ice cream, telling one another about different things in our lives. I cautioned her to never ever lose her generosity of spirit because, when she becomes a professional, there will be times in her life when people will need her to sing for a Mass and she must respond generously and without thought of getting paid. She agreed. For me, it was a sacred time, spent in the presence of a child of great faith. It was a gift from God!

A few months ago, I happened to go to daily Mass at the parish where Frances attends school. I noticed that it was the children's weekly Mass and that Frances would be cantoring. I was utterly amazed when Frances started singing, leading the congregation, without accompaniment. It was just Frances' pure, sweet voice, strong and without fear. It was something I will never forget! She told me afterward that the accompanist was sick that day and so she just sang. I told her that I had wished that I'd known...and that she'd known...I was going to be there because I would have accompanied her but, then, as I was listening to her singing, I realized it wouldn't have been nearly as beautiful. Her willingness to share her gift like that and to be able to experience it was a moment of sheer beauty.

Just think if her parents had been of the ilk to abort her. How cold the world would have been without her compassion, her singing, her gentle caring for strangers! And, then, we must think about all the people who have NOT been allowed to live. Don't you wonder about the people and their talents that all of us are missing right now? I do. I can't help it. This particular effect of abortion is so devastating, we cannot even comprehend it.

However, these thoughts do not negate the joy that is brought to us whenever we encounter someone like Frances. And, we can have hope for the future of our world whenever we do. It is a blessing for me to know Frances!

the cost of following Jesus

Sunday's Gospel from St. Luke brought great challenge to me and I continue to reflect on its message and figure out how to heed it in my life. Jesus tells us we must renounce all our possessions to follow Him. We must hate those we love and even our own lives. We must carry our crosses and follow Him. These are not easy things to hear or to do...at least they aren't for me.

In his homily on Sunday, Father Bill at the Sisters of the Good Shepherd talked about St. Thomas More. He said St. Thomas lived this Gospel passage. Indeed, when Henry VIII tried to force him to renounce his faith, he stood firm. He knew what he would lose by standing firm in faith: his life, his wife, his four children, his friends. He was imprisoned in the Tower of London and beheaded by order of Henry VIII. He lost everything to follow Jesus. And, from all accounts, he did it willingly and joyfully. It doesn't appear that he ever had any doubt or second thoughts about what he was doing. He lost his earthly life for the Truth and found eternal life with Our Lord and all the saints and angels. Eternal bliss!

I just finished reading the book The Prison Angel. It tells the story of Mother Antonia, the founder of the Eudists Servants of the Eleventh Hour. She is a modern day example of doing what Jesus asks of us. She turned away from a life of luxury and her life with her children, grandchildren and other family members to follow the urging Jesus placed in her heart. She traveled to Tijuana, Mexico to live in a tiny prison cell, sleeping on a cot, in order to help the inmates and their families, as well as guards. In her 30 years there, she has stopped prison riots, she has helped reconcile souls with God, she has given practical care to countless people and more. In short, she follows Our Lord by carrying her cross, by leaving all behind, by renouncing all personal earthly possessions. Every single day, in every way, she says yes to the Lord's call. And she does it in harsh and many times dangerous circumstances.

These stories help me to see that it IS possible to do all that Jesus asks. If I listen to and obey His call for me today and then tomorrow and then the next day...until the day I die, I will have helped to promote the Kingdom of God here on earth in the small ways that I am capable of doing. I may not know the big picture or the results of my efforts but God does. I pray that my efforts will not be in vain but rather to truly build the Kingdom of God. In this light, I gladly embrace the sufferings and persecutions along the way and, if I am called to be martyred for the Faith one day, so be it. I pray I will go joyfully, singing praise to the One Whom I will meet at the end of my days here on earth. There is no more exciting a thought to me than the prospect of being with Jesus forever. I know that, to get there, I must pick up my cross, turn away from all the enticements the world has to offer and leave behind those whom I love and give myself completely to God Who loves me beyond measure and will never, ever forsake me. How blessed I am!

a miracle story

A beautiful young woman came into the center as I was sitting at the front desk today. She told me she had an abortion scheduled for next Tuesday but wanted some information first. She was worried that she might have an ectopic pregnancy because she had had some cramping on her side. We talked about how far along she thought she might be (9 weeks). I asked if she'd had an ultrasound and she said they would do one at Regions Hospital, where her abortion was scheduled to be done. I told her, yes, from what I'd been told, I thought they would do an ultrasound but they wouldn't let her see her baby on it. I asked her if she knew anything about abortion. She said she did, a little. I told her what I knew to be true--that it's not the easy fix one would think, that women tell me over and over that they will never get over it. They think about their dead baby all the time, if it was a boy or girl, what he or she would have looked like, etc. I told her about the women who came to me, 20 years after their abortions. All I did was ask a simple question of them: How did that experience go for you? And, both immediately burst into tears. I said it never goes away. I told her that I thought it was because abortion asks a woman to do something that is against her natural instinct. Our instinct is to protect our children. Abortion asks us to kill them. I told her how, in an abortion at 9 weeks (which is what she conjectured she was), the vacuum breaks apart the baby's arms and legs to get them out and then the abortionist has to do an inventory of the baby's parts, making sure none is left behind in the mother so she won't bleed to death. She seemed to recoil at that. I told her there is a very real probability that she will miscarry succeeding pregnancies and even the possibility that she may never have another child. She listened very intently, urging me to continue by the questions she asked.

She told me about her life. She has a young daughter. Her daughter's father doesn't have anything to do with them so she feels pretty alone. Her new boyfriend had told her he would support this baby. She said it's hard raising a child alone and she felt ashamed at having a second child when she wasn't married and at her age. (She is in her early 20's.) I told her she'd feel even more shame if she aborted her child and she'd be feeling it all alone because it would be difficult to talk about with anyone.

Granted, I did a lot of talking, which I normally don't do (it's usually much, much better to draw the client out and get her talking so that she can work through things), but she was very receptive and interested in what I was telling her. I wanted so much to impart all the information she needed so she wouldn't go through with the abortion! Blessedly, her demeanor changed to a peacefulness as I finished. She said she thought she would cancel the appointment.

As it happened, she came in right as Ione, the sonographer, was finishing with her fourth and last scheduled ultrasound of the day. I quietly introduced her to Ione, explaining a little of what she'd told me, with the woman adding more detail. I asked Ione if she'd be willing to stay a bit to do an ultrasound for her. She said she just had to make a quick call home and then she could do it. Her mother was waiting to be driven home 90 miles away; her husband was waiting to go with them. Sometimes this work becomes a family affair!

I asked if I could go in to see the ultrasound and the client said I could. Her cousin, who had been the one to talk her into coming into the center, had come in by then, carrying her little one year old son. The cousin expressed delight that Ione was there. Ione had done an ultrasound on HER baby (yes, the very one she was now holding!) and she had been hoping she'd still be there. I went into my office and called two close friends, asking them to pray. They both said they would right away. I sat for a moment, praying and crying. I gathered myself together and knocked on the door...

As Ione was doing the ultrasound with the abdominal probe, she realized that the baby was probably not even 6 weeks along so she asked if she could use the vaginal probe, explaining that she would get a much better picture with it. As soon as she did, she found the baby's heartbeat as clear as can be. Of course, Ione has shown me many over the years to the point I could see it, too--and I made it known how exciting it was to see what we were seeing! (The thing is I ALWAYS get excited about seeing a baby's heart beating!) The client saw it then, too. Ione said the baby measured 5 weeks 5 days. She said she probably wouldn't be able to get a heart rate because it was so small but, guess what? She did! 112 beats per minute, a normal rate at that stage of development.

You have to understand. Our ultrasound machine should not, at least technically speaking, be able to depict a heart beat at 5 weeks 5 days and it definitely should not be able to register a heart rate. Ione has a theory. She thinks that, when a woman is abortion-minded, her baby senses he or she is in danger and, against all odds, pops out to make his or her presence known. She also believes, as I do, that the Holy Spirit takes a very active role in the whole process. Today was no exception! And, the mother cried, seeing her baby's heart beating away, strong as can be.

There was one very beautiful moment when Ione asked her if she'd convinced her of the baby. The client answered, "God has convinced me."

After I left the room, there was more paperwork to be done. Ione said to the client, "On the sheet here, it asks me to write your intention for this pregnancy. What should I put?" The client told her she was going to cancel the abortion appointment and she was going to parent.

We offered her an opportunity to have another ultrasound in 3 weeks so she would be able to see more of the baby. She made an appointment, saying she was going to bring her boyfriend with her next time. She gave me back the booklet, "Before You Decide" which talks about all options and gives details about how abortion is done. She said, "I won't be needing this one." My heart leaped for joy with that! She left the center, looking very peaceful and telling us she would be back for the ultrasound.

After she left, Ione showed me what the client had written on her intake sheet (which, in all the initial uproar, I'd forgotten to have her fill out but remembered later and had slipped it to Ione while they were doing paperwork). I cried as I read, "Thank you so much for the talk. It really blessed my heart. God bless you all."

As I sat, praying and crying and thanking God after everyone had left, I thought, "All in a day's work!" I had just witnessed the working of the Holy Spirit in a most awesome way. It was a great honor!

a beautiful prayer

The following was in the Magnificat on Wednesday. It is a prayer that resides in my heart (but it isn't quite so eloquent there!). My bishop's advice to me was correct: focus only on what God wants of you today. Last week, I decided to spend time every single day before the Blessed Sacrament (other than around Mass time). Many obstacles came my way to provide convenient excuses NOT to do it. When I figured out what was happening, I reminded myself that there are 24 hour adoration chapels everywhere I go: Blessed Sacrament Church, 2 blocks up from my work, St. John the Baptist, 5 minutes from my home, St. Columba, halfway between work (or anywhere else I go in St. Paul) and home, St. Charles Borromeo in Minneapolis when I'm over there for piano lessons. (If you live here, please know there are many more around, too...Epiphany in Coon Rapids, for one.) So, I said to myself, tell me again why you can't make it in for a mere 5 minutes (if you're THAT exhausted that you can't spend more time...) to thank God for all the blessings He has given you or ask what He has in mind for your work today? Truly, there was no excuse good enough. I started on Wednesday.

Anyway, here's the prayer. It's very beautiful.

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The Prayer of the Workers Hired Late
By Elisabeth Leseur (+1914), a French married laywoman whose cause for canonization is underway.

To love, to be unpretentious, to simplify my life--to go joyfully to God, seeking nothing for myself, in complete abandonment.

Never to lose sight of the intentions for which God wants me to pray, to suffer, and to act. In the midst of exterior activities and my obligations, to keep my inner attention fixed on God, to offer everything for those I love, for those Jesus desires, for the Church.

To be always ready to obey the inner call of this gentle Jesus to action or to suffering, or to eternity, too, when he wills, and to reply always with joy and generosity, "Here I am, Lord, ready to do your will." The day will come, will it not, O God, when it will be your will that I come to you, when the darkness and the sorrows shall vanish, and the burden of the body will no longer weigh on me, when my soul will fly at last, freely to your beauty, to plunge itself into your holiness, to drink in your love. When I have been delivered, I will love inexpressibly in you all those I will have rejoined, and those I will have left here below, when the true life will finally begin, to last forever. Blessed dawn of eternity, I greet you, not knowing whether from near or far! I must not hope for you because my only wish is to do God's will "in life or in death.' I know that I must first climb up to Calvary and hang upon the cross before knowing union with God; I know that I possess, and hope to possess still more here below, this union through the grace of God, in a great spirit of abandonment. I wait and, like the worker who does not know when he or she will receive the final reward, I want in the meantime to fulfill my responsibilities radiantly and peacefully solely for the love of him who has done everything for me.

life lessons

One of the things I've always thought I should be is true to myself. While I like the idea of being true to myself--what does that really mean? If I'm being completely honest, that seems like a selfish concept and one that could very possibly cause others hurt. The thing to which I should aspire is to be true to God, to be true to and live in the Truth because, being true to myself could very possibly mean giving into my sinful nature. Instead, why not just take myself and my self-centeredness out of the way for God to work in me and through me?

I am always under the erroneous assumption that everyone will come along with me or will agree with me or will see it my way...Talk about self-aggrandizement at its finest! I forget that others are not in the same place I am and, if I don't explain myself well, how can they understand or agree with me? And, maybe they aren’t meant to agree with me and MAYBE they are much further along on their journey to the Kingdom than I am...and that’s okay. I will use the experience as a way to learn more about holiness.

I HAVE been searching for Truth (yes, with a capital T) for many years now. I want to find God, know Him, love Him, obey Him, serve Him. My search, unwittingly enough, began when I was in college. I was working through a deep hurt inflicted upon me by someone I had held dear to my heart and I was in great pain over it. On recommendation of one of my professors, I sought help from a very wise psychologist. He and I worked for almost 6 months, trying to unearth what I was feeling. I’d had no clue when we began. He told me mine was one of the most challenging cases he'd experienced but he had hope we'd get to the bottom of it all. And, we did. Essentially, he taught me how to give myself permission to feel and how to express those feelings constructively. He gave me what seems a great gift that has lasted a lifetime. On the other hand, perhaps it gave me permission to focus too much on myself.

Fast forward many years to the time after my separation when I was again seeking to know God more fully. Another person came into my life and showed me how to find the Truth in Catholic teachings, doctrine and dogma. It, too, was a great gift. I hadn't known where to begin before we met.

Today, I'm trying very hard to live by the Truth but I fall short at times and hurt people. I'm not always the most diplomatic or they aren't ready to hear the truth or they don't want to hear it from me or I’m not patient enough...lots of reasons, some of which are a result of my faults and flaws and some could be the other person's flaws or deep-seated hurts inflicted upon him or her before he or she met me. For whatever reason, it all goes awry, leaving me to ponder how I could have done better and resolving to do something different in the future. And, maybe, just maybe, my "being true to myself" got in the way or I wasn't being completely truthful with myself.

I keep working at being less self-centered. I keep asking the Holy Spirit to intervene when I'm not doing a good job of it. I frequent Confession so God's grace will shine through in challenging situations. I never want to hurt someone but I can’t read others’ minds or know all the hurt they carry around with them so it might be unavoidable at times. However, during those times, I also must look within myself to find my culpability for the hurt and see that I still have a long, long way to go to be true to God. When I accidentally touch a nerve or the selfish part of me gets in the way, I resolve to do better. After all, how can we help one another get to heaven when there’s hurt or misunderstanding between us?

I am very blessed to have at the present time several wise and holy counselors. Every one of them brings lessons I must learn to grow closer to God. Some are difficult to hear or to learn. After all, it’s not easy facing oneself and one’s faults and sins! However, I embrace these teachers and their lessons because they are helping me in my pursuit of holiness by showing me the truth. Now, if I could just put their lessons into practice better...

where does the time go?

I am considering re-prioritizing the way I use time. Ever since I turned 50 time seems to have sped up as though it is a whirling vortex and I am in the center of it. I move through the day, going from one thing to the next, hardly taking a breath, until I arrive home to my cat loudly meowing her discontent at having been left all alone for 12 or more hours. (I tell her I can feel her pain!) I know what's missing: consistent time every day before Our Lord in His house. Yes, I go to daily Mass and I offer little prayers, almost nonstop, as I go about my business but it's not the same. I don't stop and focus entirely on Him for any length of time. I don't listen intently for any length of time to what He would like to tell me.

I had the privilege to go to Confession and attend morning Mass at Transfiguration Church on this, the feast of the Transfiguration, today. The entire time, from the moment I entered the building until I left, was grace-filled. First, I went to Confession. I ALWAYS feel better afterward and today was no exception. At the end of my face-to-face Confession, I introduced myself to the new pastor and told him I was the director of LifeCare Center East. He was so gracious! He said he'd heard so much about me and the center and would like to meet me for coffee soon to talk about how the parish could support us even more than they already are. I felt buoyed by his generous and hospitable spirit!

Next, I discovered that the pastor has instituted an hour of adoration before the Blessed Sacrament before daily Mass. I'd wished I'd come a half hour earlier. What a treasure this was for my heart! What a blessing this was for my weary spirit!

Mass was very beautiful. We sang an opening and closing hymn. Whenever this happens at daily Mass, there comes a second when I wish I'd known ahead of time so I could volunteer to accompany. However, this passes quickly because there is something very lovely about a congregation singing a capella and SOMETIMES I must rest from the duty of leading music at Mass. (Last week, for example, I played for at least one Mass every single day, except Wednesday: Sunday--1 Mass at St. Columba, 1 Mass at the Sisters', Monday--funeral at St. Columba, Tuesday--morning Mass at the Sisters', Thursday--morning Mass at the Sisters, funeral at St. Columba, Friday--funeral at the Sisters, Saturday--evening anticipatory Mass at St. Columba, Sunday--2 masses, one at St. Columba, one at the Sisters'.) Father intoned the Kyrie, then led us in the (spoken) Gloria. He taught us a little about Mount Tabor in his homily, which made me wish I could go there one day. He also said he hoped that, five years from now, the parish would have many vocations to the priesthood come out of it. His goal is to welcome more and more people to the parish and to get to know every single parishioner by name within the next year. I can tell this man is not one to be idle!

One of my favorite parts was when everyone knelt at the Consecration. Historically, the people at this parish have stood and it has always bothered me. Kneeling at the Consecration is a sign of reverence and respect for Our Lord's great sacrifice for us. I believe we should be kneeling! In the latest issue of The Catholic Spirit, our local Catholic paper, our archbishop addresses this very well: http://thecatholicspirit.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=4112&Itemid=108

I walked out of the church, feeling as though I was floating to my car. I took myself out to breakfast at a little locally owned diner to continue the celebration of this most beautiful feast day and thought about all that I'd been given in one short hour. I was overwhelmed by God's goodness!

a death

I was called the other day to plan the music for and play at a funeral for a man who had died. Here is his obituary, published yesterday in the local St. Paul newspaper:

William A. Trautner
Age 87, of St. Paul Passed Away July 25, 2010 Preceded in death by his parents, Nicholas and Mathilda Trautner; sisters, Frances Mary Trautner and Margaret Trautner. Survived by nephew, Thomas Trautner. Mass of Christian Burial 10AM Thursday, July 29 with visitation from 9-10AM at THE CHURCH OF ST. COLUMBA, 1327 Lafond Ave. at Hamline, St. Paul. Burial at Resurrection Cemetery in Mendota Heights.

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I had been told that there would probably be no one at the funeral. I was surprised, then, when, as I drove up to the church, I noticed several people standing outside the church. It took me a few minutes to realize they were all workers from the funeral home and would be acting as pall bearers.

When I arrived inside the church, about a half hour before Mass was to begin, there was no one in the church. The open casket, adorned with a gigantic bouquet of flowers and made of very expensive looking wood, was in the back. I walked back to the casket to say a little prayer. I noticed William was all dressed up and looking rather dapper for a dead guy! I had a passing thought: why did they go to the trouble of doing all that and have the casket open when no one would be there? The answer came: because every life has dignity and he had been cared for as any human being in death deserved. I thought it was beautiful and in great contrast to the little babies who had been murdered in their mothers' wombs and whose bodies had been thrown in the trash. (My work at LifeCare Center East seems to always infiltrate at moments like this.) Here was a body that had been treated with dignity, carefully embalmed and dressed with great care.

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For the past three days, I have spent much time thinking about this whole thing. When I was told that Father, the sacristan/server (Mike), the sacristan/reader (Peggy) and the two of us musicians (Krista and I) might be the only people who would be in attendance, I thought about how sad it would be that no one would be there praying for William so I started planning the most beautiful music I could think of and inviting people to the funeral. I told them it would be a spiritual work of mercy (praying for the dead) to be there and explaining that I had been told he left no relatives (except a nephew in CA) or friends. However, that wasn't quite true, as I discovered when I read the obituary. Three people had signed his guest book. Here are their entries:

July 29, 2010
Nice, nice gentleman. It was an honor knowing Bill. Jean

July 28, 2010
I remember Bill, very nice guy. Sorry to hear of your lost, but I know hes in a better place with the rest.

Theresa IPC,
St. Paul, Minnesota

July 28, 2010
Bill it was great being your friend...I will miss you Paul

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In total, besides the 5 of us and the 8 funeral home people, 10 people attended the funeral: three women whom none of us knew (were they his caretakers in his last years of life? I wish now I'd asked them!), one man from the parish whose name I should know, two women (Mary and Francine) who had spent the previous hour in the adoration chapel and noticed there was no one coming to the funeral so THEY came, the parish administrator (Cindy), one Franciscan Brother of Peace (Brother Seraphim) and two young women (Hannah and Theresa) who had responded to my plea on Face Book to be there.

It was so beautiful! People participated fully in the Mass, Krista sang her heart out, the readings were uplifting--all in honor of a man few of us knew. I could feel everyone praying for him. It was very powerful!

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I wonder what William's life was like. How did he spend his "dash"--you know, the dash that is on the tombstone between the date of birth and the date of death. The dash represents all the time between the two dates. What I know to be true is that those years were unique to William because he was the only one who lived them. I also know that his life meant something, especially to God.

The Church teaches us to pray for those who have died. What if no one prayed for William? Of course, when I heard about his death, I had no idea if his deceased relatives were praying for him but it seemed very important that people still alive should pray for him at his resurrection Mass. And, they did!

After today, I doubt I will ever think about death the same way again. I can tell you one thing. I have lost my irrational fear of dying alone, with no one to mourn my passing, no one to attend my funeral Mass. The important thing is how I am spending my "dash" and what I will leave behind as a living legacy dwelling within people who have crossed my path throughout my life--a legacy of love, if I successfully live my life. I have a hunch William left that and more.