Merry Christmas!

How blessed we are to be believers in Christ! Today, as we celebrate His Incarnation, I reflect on what that means in my life. It's very interesting to think about all He did for us. He didn't have to do any of it. He's God, after all. Yet He humbled himself to be born in a stable. It makes me consider the concept of humility. Do I really know my place in the world? Do I dwell in meekness or am I arrogant at times? I have no reason to be arrogant. I'm insignificant, nothing really, yet I have a feeling the good I do makes a difference in the world. At least, that is my hope. The good I do is only because God has given me everything I need to do good. It's all by the grace of God, not really by anything I do.

It's been a marathon day of playing for masses, getting stuck in the snow while driving, making dinner for my family, opening presents...so much fun but, oh so tiring, truth be told! Little Liam and I have a special bond. Whenever we have a crowd at my house, he asks if he and I can go into my room, shut the door and be quiet for awhile. I always say yes. These are precious times spent together, just the two of us. And, I hope, one day, he will look back and remember how very much his Nana loved him. We must always try to let people know they are welcomed in our lives, loved and important to us. It's the only way I know for people to understand what we already know: God loves us so much, He even became a man so He could die for our sins. Amazing, when one thinks about it!

A blessed Christmastide to you!

peace always

Have you ever been so busy that you crawl home at night, exhausted, wondering how you will ever be able to get up tomorrow and do it all again? It happens every Christmas, Holy Week and Easter season for us church musicians. We work and work to make sure we choose the correct music, the most beautiful music, the most meaningful (we REALLY want the congregation to sing and to be spiritually uplifted by our offerings!)...we rehearse and rehearse our choirs ('til they're blue in the face!!!) and practice hours by ourselves (or we SHOULD; we've been doing it for years and years and sometimes we get complacent). I'm at that point right now, yet, at the core of my being, is great peace and joy. I love doing all these things--and much more, given this is only a part time job. All is well with my world, even though I'm bone-tired! The tiredness is of little matter when I consider the gifts I have been given. I know without doubt that God loves me. I believe I know my purpose in this life. I have marvelous friends and family who love me, no matter what, no strings attached, no expectations of perfection, willing to forgive any and all trespasses. (The people who once caused me angst have left. I am grateful they have and for the lessons I learned having encountered them for a while.) I believe I am doing the best I can to respond to God's call for my life (but NOT without lots of direction from Him!). I am very blessed!

I'm taking a week off after Christmas to rest, to pray, to contemplate something that seems very important in my life. I keep teasing you with this. I don't mean to do so but I'm not ready to divulge what is happening with me just yet. One thing I can tell you is it is very beautiful and it will ultimately involve a radical change in my life. I am praying I will be ready when the time comes.

So, we enter into the final week of Advent and of all our Christmas preparations. The one preparation we must not forget is in our spiritual life. Are we going to be ready to celebrate Our Lord's birth once more with selflessness and hospitality and a sense of giving? I'm praying for all of us--you and me--that we will always be open to Jesus' presence in our lives.

May you have a blessed and peaceful Fourth Week of Advent!

love revisited

I woke up this morning, thinking of my last post. It was pretty negative! So, I resolved to re-work it to be more hopeful. In my defense, I was very weary when I wrote what I did and I've discovered that, when I am tired, my thoughts become more negative. I should have waited until I was rested. I hope you find what I re-wrote more compelling in a positive way!

love

For the past 5 years, I have been searching for my "next" husband. I'd gotten divorced and obtained an annulment after almost 30 years of marriage and I wanted to move on. I thought the way to move on was to remarry. Believe me when I say I looked everywhere for "the" man. I tried every singles website (I joke that I flunked eharmony...all I ever received from the site were men who lived in distant places), I asked friends to introduce me to their single men friends, I prayed for him to walk in the door, a la a knight in shining armor, I looked over every single man at Mass, I casually checked out men's ring fingers when I was out and about. I had lots of first dates, even several deep relationships that were destined to go nowhere and I would have realized it at the very beginning if I hadn't been enamored with the idea that the man of the moment might be "the one". Instead, I hung in sometimes, figuring we'd work it out together. I was rejected by several men, although some have remained friends of mine and the others didn't really understand who I was and so rejected their idea of who I was, which was a false rendering of me. (It still hurt even when I knew that they weren't really rejecting the real me but their skewed idea of me.) I learned that the men my age whom I'd met came with a ton of hurt from previous relationships and seemed to be reluctant to do anything but carry it around with them, infecting new relationships. Finally, I gave up my search and found something much, much, much better. One day, I will share the details with you. For now, it's still a beautiful work in progress.

In my endeavors to find a man, I don't think I was that different from my clients. My clients seem to look for love in all the wrong places, too. While they don't seem to value marriage the way I do, they do tend to attach themselves to men who are not healthy and who treat them with great disrespect. I try to challenge their thinking, hoping they'll see that they are worth far more than they think and they certainly don't deserve abuse. None of us deserves to be abused at the hands of another person. Blessedly for myself, I have a very healthy self-esteem and don't tolerate abuse for long. (Amazingly, men whom I'd never met in person thought it was okay to scream at me via email, text messaging and phone. Their arrogance and anger, which had a history way before they met me, together, were quite a force that I never came to understand but refused to be a part of for long.) I wish I could help my clients understand better that they are't to blame for abuse and they don't have to be victimized by it EVER.

What I've surmised is it all comes down to our human nature's quest to find love so we will be able to love and be loved. It hearkens to our innate longing for God and to be in relationship with other human beings...in essence, to follow the two greatest commandments: to love God above all others and to love one another. In the end, I believe the old adage that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all for it seems to me that our actions of love are much more important than being loved. Loving helps us to grow closer to God. It helps us to live fully. It teaches us to take our own selfishness out of the picture. And, the lessons learned in every situation become a part of the fabric of our being and help us to be more like the way Our Lord calls us to be. And, that is a very beautiful thing!

paying a debt/obedience

Yesterday, I went to court to pay a debt. I had been cited for speeding a couple weeks ago and it was time to pay the piper. The policeman had been kind. He clocked me at 46 in a 30 mile zone but lowered it to 44 so I'd pay less of a fine. I could have mailed in the $131 but he'd advised that I make an appointment with a hearing officer to get it expunged from my record, since I had a very good driving record. When I read on the citation that I could plead not guilty or guilty with explanation, I thought I'd plead guilty with explanation. Clearly, I had been speeding so pleading not guilty couldn't be an option. (When the policeman asked me how fast I thought I was going, I said I didn't know, that I was keeping up with the traffic, he responded, "You were catching up with the traffic!" I thought that was a great retort.) It wouldn't be right to plead not guilty.

As I sat in the hallway outside the courtrooms and the hearing officers' rooms, I didn't think I fit in with the people who were waiting for their court appearances, yet I did. I'd broken the law, same as they probably had. I thought, well, my offense wasn't serious. Well, it was...the evening I was speeding, I was on my way home after a long day of work and having dinner with a friend afterward. I was tired, distracted. It was dark. What if a child on a bike had been on the street and I didn't have time to react and I hit him? What if a car was stopped for a turn and I hit it, due to my speeding? I could have caused an accident, or worse, a death. And, I was disobeying the law, the law that was there for everyone's safety. As I sat there in discomfort, I was glad I was there. I needed to learn. I needed this lesson in humility.

The hearing officer was compassionate. I told him I was there to pay my debt to society. He laughed. He explained my options. In order for the ticket to be expunged, I would have to plead not guilty, not get a ticket for a year and pay $185. The $185 was a set price to do this. My other option was to plead guilty with explanation and he could take the price down to $91 (without me even asking to have it lowered; I didn't consider that might be an option) but it would stay on my driving record. I had no choice. I paid the $91, thanking God for the $40 saving but also realizing that I could have donated that $91 to a good cause. (My speeding was definitely NOT a good cause!) I decided it would be unethical to plead innocent so that I'd have a clean driving record. This offense had to hurt a bit so that I WOULD learn something from it. (I'd asked my insurance agent if a ticket would raise my premiums and he said it wouldn't, thank heavens.) And, the biggest thing was I wouldn't lie. From now on, I just had to obey the law...as I should have been, all along.

The ticket has been showing me things. First of all, the day after I got it, I started consciously going the speed limit, using my cruise control, even on side streets, and discovered that 30 MPH was verrry slow. I wondered how long it had been since I'd actually gone 30 MPH. Then, I took this whole thing as a lesson for my life. Why do I always rush around like a crazy person? What is the point of that? Shouldn't I be stopping, now and again, to savor life's journey, instead of running from one thing to another, never stopping, always in a hurry? As the days went by, I became more relaxed, less stressed. I set my home clocks 5 minutes ahead, I left earlier, I kept to the speed limit. When I'd arrive at my destination, my new joke was I would have been there 2 minutes earlier but I was following the speed limit. And, literally, that was probably not a joke. What point WAS there to speed when it saved a couple minutes, it was unsafe to others and, in the long run, it probably shortened my lifespan because of the stress I'd put myself under?

These days, I'm obeying the law. I'm trying very hard not to speed. It's tough sometimes when I find myself in the blind spot of a big semi and the truck is going the speed limit. I have to decide whether or not to speed ahead or lag behind, where there are 10 cars right behind me, pushing me to go faster and faster. It's safer in the slower right lane, although it is not always possible to stay there, given how our freeways are laid out here. Left hand exits are not uncommon.

This is not unlike our call to obey God's laws. To do God's will, we must follow His laws. What I've been contemplating from this experience is that disobeying God's laws could very well spell death--spiritual death. I want to live in God's realm at all times. That is what I strive to do. If it means moving over to the slow lane and taking more time to love others and myself, that is what I will do. Who knew that a speeding ticket could teach such marvelous things to a (now) reformed speed demon? God is good!

grandchildren

Whenever I hear that the mother of one of our clients is coercing her daughter to abort her grandchild, I become incredulous. I doubt I will ever understand it. Even when I hear her reasons, I still cannot believe it because what I know to be true is my grandchildren are among God's best gifts (if not THE best gift) to me. They are pure joy--heaven sent, to be sure! Spending time with them causes everything else to fade into the background. It's all about being silly, laughing together, a little bit of spoiling, learning new things together, viewing the world through innocent children's eyes, being fully present in the moment with two precious angel babies. We do lots of things together but it's never really about the things we do. It's about spending time together, enjoying one another, loving one another. The other night, I went over to play with them for a bit before tucking them into bed and my grandson told me he wanted me to be there if he woke up in the night and in the morning. I had to explain that I wouldn't be able to do that but we would plan an overnight together very soon. The next night, my daughter-in-law invited me over for dinner. It warmed my heart to be able to spend so much time with all of them. These times are such treasures!

Before Liam was born, I told my daughter-in-law that I thought I would have to see him at least once a week so I could develop a relationship with him. Without batting an eye, she said, "Of course." I was so thrilled by her response. (Since then, she's told me that I could visit any time I wanted and I could tell she meant it.) I'd been hearing about in-laws not having access to grandchildren and I'd been praying that wouldn't happen to me. I spent the first six weeks of his life with him every day because his mother was recovering from having an emergency c-section and she asked me to help her. I took the 6 AM to noon shift and her mother came in the afternoon until my son got home from work. It was a wondrous time! When Ellie was born 15 months later, we had the same routine. It was such a privilege to be there with them during that time. And, every week since Liam was 6 weeks old, except when they go to their cabin for a week in the summer, we have had a "Nana play date" one morning a week (usually Mondays unless I have to play for a funeral). My, how I look forward to those days!

I have a million funny stories. One day, when Liam was 2, he was helping his mom clean the goldfish bowl. His job was to pour the fish into the clean tank. He missed the bowl and the fish landed, splat, on the counter. He scooped it up and put it in his mouth! He must have decided it wasn't a good thing to eat because he spat it out and his mom picked it up and put it in the water. The poor fish survived...We were all surprised it didn't die of a heart attack!

This morning, we spent the morning at the mall where we saw Santa Claus. (Liam thought he was going to get to pick up the things he'd asked Santa to get him right after he was done sitting on his lap. It's going to be a long Advent for the poor kid!) When we were walking along, I told Liam he was my love bug. He told me he was NOT my love bug. I replied, are you kidding me? You've been my love bug since the day you were born 3 and a half years ago. How can you say that? You'll ALWAYS be my love bug. Then, he laughed. I think he enjoyed getting Nana's goat like that. This was the first time he'd teased me. I love watching his sense of humor emerge. And, Ellie must have 1000 words in her vocabulary. She says everything these days! She's a lot like I am in that she is a student of people. She studies them closely and always seems to know how they are feeling. "Liam sad" she'll say when he's unhappy about something. She's been like this from a very young age. They are both so unique...and very dear to their Nana's heart.

Truly, it is a mystery to me how grandmothers can think it's a good thing to force their daughters to abort their grandchildren...From a purely grandmother perspective, I know they are depriving themselves of something very beautiful and irreplaceable.

getting ready for Thanksgiving

I woke up yesterday morning, wondering how I was going to get everything done. For the first time in many years, I am cooking on Thanksgiving. First, I'm having all my kids, their boy/girl friends, my daughter-in-law, grandchildren, my ex-husband and his new girlfriend for brunch AFTER I play for Mass at the Sisters' in the morning. Then, I'm hosting dinner for my dear college friend and a male friend of hers whom she'd like me to get to know. (We met briefly and he was very nice. My friend said he WAS excited when she told him I was cooking...I asked her if she'd told him to bring antacids!) So many details! So many lists! So much to do! Am I insane? Yikes! Maybe I'd better lay in a supply of frozen pizzas in case I drop the eggs or if the turkey burns!

Today, I'm thinking about my clients. How many of them will not be able to afford such banquets of food, or even a tiny bit of food, for that matter, on Thanksgiving? Blessedly, our clients generally have enough food because they get food stamps but others who haven't signed up for that program will be hungry. Satisfying hunger cannot wait...people can starve while they're waiting. I just heard yesterday that many restaurants here are opening their doors on Thanksgiving to serve free meals to the public. I pray that those who are starving will find them. If they do, at least, for one day, they won't be hungry.

I've been told that hunger in the US is not really true starvation. It's true we DO have good programs to get food to people. And, when I think about it, I don't believe I ever hear of people starving to death here for lack of food. In comparison, people in Third World countries really do starve to death. We must do more to help them...to begin, maybe we can fast on Friday as a small sacrificial offering? I'm going to try very hard not to overeat on Thanksgiving, too. When I think about it, there really is no point to doing that.

Thank You, Lord, for the food You provide. Help us to appreciate this gift.

volunteers

Last week, six new volunteers started to work at the center. This was a record number of people who came all at once to volunteer. All of them came with an attitude of great humility and a willingness to do whatever God wanted of them. As the week progressed, I observed that each of them fit in perfectly with everything going on there. Three are registered nurses, two wanting to do ultrasound, one to counsel. Two got busy sorting clothes. One is working on organizing our files. Another recent volunteer took on the project of organizing the entire center, cleaning out areas filled with "stuff" (as opposed to junk!). Once she's done, she wants to help with fundraising. What a blessing these people are, as are all who work there! I often say it's the volunteers who do the real work. I'm merely the cheerleader.

What I've come to realize is that people come to volunteer at the center exactly at the moment their unique gifts and talents are badly needed right then. In this case, the board and I have been praying that we would be able to open up more hours during the week for ultrasound because it's been proven, over and over again, that, once a woman sees her baby on ultrasound, she will begin to bond with that child and turn away from any thought of abortion. And, to have another counselor is ALWAYS a blessing because we are one of the busiest local centers for pregnancy test requests and can easily get overwhelmed by the demand for them. We've been inundated with lots and lots of clothes donations lately and have had no time to sort them. The client files needed attention because, apparently, many of us do NOT know the alphabet when we put files back (!). Too, I find it's more stressful when there is a lot of extraneous clutter in a work environment. The new volunteers are pitching in with all of these things and more.

I also have great respect for the volunteers who have been there for years and years, quietly doing their part to promote life. It's because of them that the center has met with much success. My job has been made a ton easier because of their willingness to share their talents and I appreciate them so very much.

Since October, I was worrying about getting the leaves outside raked before the snow falls, trying to find a volunteer to do it or the time for me to do it. One day, out of the blue, 3 people came, saying they wanted to rake and out they went! I had to leave before they finished but, on my return, I saw there were 15 bags of leaves out back, ready to be taken to the compost place. Now, I looked at my little car and figured it would probably take me all day and a few trips if I loaded them in my car. Just as I was contemplating this challenge, a volunteer drove up with an EMPTY SUV, saying she'd be happy to do the task herself. We loaded her car and off she went! Along with this, I had been noticing for a while that there were lots of weeds growing along the edge of the parking lot. It looked terrible. Shortly after the raking was done, I was told the board president and his wife had spent a Saturday, pulling weeds and cleaning out the gardens. I hadn't even noticed the fruits of their hard work! (Maybe it is like going to someone's house...when it's filthy, you notice. When it's clean, you don't. This is my defense, anyway!) I almost cried when I took a look around. It must have taken them all day to do it all. It was all so beautiful...And, THIS is how things get done at my center.

I believe the Holy Spirit is behind all of this. Many volunteers have told me they were thinking about us for a while and they felt called to come in right when they did. God certainly knows our needs and how to offer opportunities to people to help us! It is a privilege to work with such wonderful, generous people.

not to worry...

We are struggling financially at the center right now. I've asked everyone I can think of to pray for us and I've also asked everyone to give me names of people who could be interested in supporting us in a financial way so that I can ask them to help. I've never liked asking people for money but lately I've been considering all the ways in which our clients benefit by our presence in the neighborhood and they far outweigh any discomfort I will have in asking (begging!). We who work at the center have been brainstorming ideas for fundraisers, too.

I'm actually quite skilled at begging for clients so this SHOULD be a piece of cake. My contact at the Archdiocese who administers a small fund to support women in crisis pregnancies told me a while ago that she'd decided that, if she ever had to train in someone to do her job, she would tell the person just to give me what I want whenever I called because it would circumvent all my whining, begging and complaining to which he/she would have to listen if he/she didn't. I told her that was very sound reasoning. Then, we laughed. (For the record, she HAS said no to me a couple of times over the years...) When it comes to my clients' needs, I doggedly try to find ways to help them meet them!

I will not worry, even though that is my natural inclination. One of my favorite Bible passages, the one that seems to have been written especially for my benefit, begins with Matthew 6:25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat (or drink), or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? 27 Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?"

Indeed, are we not more important than the birds in the sky to God? That passage, when I think I should worry about something, brings great solace to me. What a blessing faith is!

twins at the center

A couple weeks ago, two volunteers and I were remembering something that had happened three years ago. The volunteer who does ultrasounds had offered to do an ultrasound for a colleague where she works. The colleague had just found out she was pregnant. It was discovered, through the ultrasound, that she was pregnant with twins. During the ultrasound, two of us who work there were invited to take a look. Seeing the 12 week twins and watching their antics, I was amazed and excited, as was the other person (who had never been able to conceive a child; she adopted 2 children). The mother, however, was freaking out. I figured it was just surprise and she'd be fine after the initial shock wore off. After all, she was married, white, upper middle class, already a mother of a 3 year old. She didn't fit the demographics of someone who would consider abortion. Five days later, she aborted the babies. I was told she'd convinced herself that there was something wrong with them and so thought she HAD to abort them. She miscarried another pregnancy shortly after and has been unable to have any more children since then.

We at the center grieved over what she'd done to two of God's precious ones. And, it became apparent, as we talked that day, 3 years later, that we're all STILL grieving. It was such a horrifying, sad result. The sonographer told us that her own mother, who is in her 90's, told her that the twins would have been toilet training about now. I can only imagine the pain the people closest to the situation must be experiencing if a person who hadn't even been there that day and had no natural connection to the mother or the twins was grieving. I can't help but wonder what it will do to the woman's son, when he finds out (and he will, one day...). I've read that siblings go through emotional trauma, wondering why THEY weren't aborted but their siblings were.

Yesterday was "Ultrasound Saturday" at the center, which happens twice a month. One of our longstanding clients, a mother of 6, came in. She's 6 weeks pregnant. Well, we may have uncovered twins on the ultrasound! There certainly was a lot of cardiac activity...the sonographer said it was like watching twinkling pac-men all over the place, which left me wondering if maybe it's triplets, which would be a first at the center. The client was advised to see her doctor ASAP because we can't diagnose such a thing. Oooh, boy...this is going to be a long 7 and a half months! This client suffers major depression when she's pregnant and needs lots of emotional support. Those of us who work at the center will gladly help with this, especially thinking about, and in honor and memory of, the twins who were murdered 3 years ago last month.

One of my favorite psalms is Psalm 139. Here are verses 13-14 "You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother's womb. I praise you, so wonderfully you made me; wonderful are your works!"

When I think about it, to think destroying God's handiwork is a good thing is so very misguided. And, I'm not even sure we can understand all the devastation this action creates in the world. Let's continue to work until everyone in the world understands that life is truly sacred and so abortion can be history, once and for all.

courage

One of my best childhood memories happened during a thunder and lightning storm. At the time, we lived in our house overlooking Lake Superior. My parents had renovated it to include huge picture windows on the lake side of the house. (The view was absolutely spectacular! This period in my life was probably very influential in developing my aesthetic side.) I was around 6 and scared of the thunder and lightning. My father picked me up and carried me over close to the window, all the while speaking gently to me. He told me I didn't need to be afraid because the storm was very beautiful. He pointed to the lightning as it flashed across the sky. We stood by that window until I began to believe him. This was another major life lesson for me. Through it, I learned to face my fears head-on. I remember another time when Dad took my little sister to his office building one Sunday so they could ride up and down the elevator because she was afraid of elevators. (I reminded her of this when we became adults and she joked she was now claustrophobic as a result!) Dad taught me in real ways to face my fears. He was one of the most courageous men I've ever known. He never seemed afraid of anything or anyone. I've often wondered if I'd been witnessing the Holy Spirit's gift of courage in Dad all those years. He had tremendous faith so it wouldn't surprise me at all. And, I am quite sure he was trying very hard to impart this courage onto his children. And, for me, he inspired my love of children and passion for the unborn. At 80 years old, he stood courageously and in much pain at the abortion clinic in his city, praying the rosary, handing out literature and entreating women not to go in. He forged the path for me to do the work I do.

We need courage in the work we do in pro-life work. Sometimes, people persecute us. Once, one of my clients threatened and screamed at me because I told her I didn't think I could help her. (I really didn't think I could...) A friend of mine was sidewalk counseling at an abortion mill when a boyfriend of a girl about to go in menacingly got right next to her and started swearing at her, physically trying to intimidate her. Blessedly, she stood her ground. (She told me, when it was all over, she went behind the building and cried.) Another dedicated man who regularly stands outside of the abortion mill was knocked unconscious there. As horrifying as they are, these aren't the worst things that could happen to us. What we fight every single day in our work is a spiritual war of gigantic proportion. Satan wants us badly. He wants us to quit; he wants us to fail...he wants us dead and in his clutches. He wants everyone who is contemplating having an abortion to go right ahead without any interference from us. This is the reason I receive Holy Communion every day and frequent Confession. I figured out a few years ago that, alone, I was no match for this kind of war. I needed spiritual armor. I knew it would only be by God's grace that I'd ever be effective. How blessed we are to have this wondrous daily Bread and the resulting grace to help us!

When I first began this work, I watched a 15 minute video of abortion. The entire video was of aborted babies...dismembered body parts, heads with the faces of little babies frozen in screams, blood everywhere. Carnage. I was so glad I was alone because I sobbed and sobbed; I couldn't stop sobbing. In a sense, I am STILL sobbing--silently to be sure, but those images have never left me and they spur me on to keep doing more and more to stop abortion.

Courage...I pray for this gift all the time.

now and then...

When I started working at the pregnancy center 12 years ago, we would see our clients for a pregnancy test and then, a few months later when they were about to have their babies, we'd see them again and help them fill out an application for a crib from another pro-life organization and hand them a baby layette, which had clothes, diapers, blankets, bottles, etc. These days, when a client has a positive pregnancy test, we invite her to have an ultrasound, then she can start our education program to earn things like a stroller, high chair, changing table and participate in our prenatal and parenting classes. At the end of her pregnancy, we give her a layette and work with her to get a bed for her baby. Now, there are many opportunities for a client to come to the center and interact with the staff and volunteers throughout her entire pregnancy. This is part of the reason our client visit numbers are up so much. (Another reason is that word of mouth is our largest referrel source.) We've become very, very busy as a result. While it can be wearing at times, I am thrilled that we have so many opportunities to give witness to Christ's love.

I've never been one to focus on the numbers. What I see before us is each client, not a number. It's hard to be compassionate toward a number. These are real people with real stories to tell us and with great challenges in their lives. If we can help them in some small way, we do. We try very hard to be Christ-like in our interactions with clients. I know clients understand this. (They tell us AND many have become interested in becoming Christians as a result!) I believe, even when they don't show it, they are grateful. Of course, we who work at the center aren't there for the thanks. We're there to love our clients, one at a time.

joy

I've been thinking about joy. What is it? From where does it come? How do we find it? Is it a state or is it a feeling? I read a definition once: joy is knowing that we are loved by God. I like that. I have a feeling that is why I have always found such joy in being with little children. They are truly gifts from God. In many ways, they show us that God loves us.

When I think about being joyful, I always focus on the blessings in my life. During my childbearing years, it was such a privilege to be a participant in the miracle of new birth! Each child was unique, right from the earliest beginning of his or her life. My first child was only 6 weeks from conception when he or she died but was a blessing to me all the same because I learned that I didn't have control over such things, I learned to appreciate all my children...I learned that length of time on earth isn't really important compared to all of eternity. There have been tons of blessings like this, starting with the people in my life. All of the blessings in my life have shown me God's love in one way or another. All have brought me tremendous joy.

In my work at the center, the greatest joy I have is when a client brings her newborn baby into the center for us to meet. It is especially profound when she's been one who was going to have an abortion but didn't. Not long ago, a woman called, telling me she was suicidal and thinking about having an abortion. She was two months pregnant. In the hour we spent on the phone that day, I found out that she was living with bipolar disorder and had taken herself off her medication when she found out she was pregnant. At the end of our conversation, I asked her to do three things and to call me back when she'd done them. (My thought was that she wouldn't commit suicide if she had things she had to get done and was accountable to someone for them.) I told her the first thing she must do is call her psychiatrist as soon as we hung up so her medication could be regulated. I asked her if I could call her if I didn't hear from her in a few days. She said I could. To my surprise, she called back the next day, having done all the things. (She had an appointment with her doctor that very day!) We were in weekly contact for the next 7 months and, one day, she brought her little son for me to meet. (I cried, holding this precious one!) She told me later that she had made 4 appointments to have an abortion and didn't keep any of them. She has been so grateful for her child! She's thanked me, over and over, for being there for her. Little children truly bring joy...if we can just see it that way. So many times our clients are overwhelmed, over-tired, incredibly stressed. For them, it's hard to see their children as blessings from God. I always pray for them. Please, could you, too?

silence

I've been thinking about silence lately. My piano professor in college chastised me once because I was rushing through rests as I was playing. She said silence was as important as the sound in music--it was what shaped the piece. I don't think I've ever played a piece in the same rushing way again. Rests DO make a difference so I've heeded them ever since. And, I took what she'd said to be a life lesson, too. After all, there is a time for noise/a time to talk, and a time for silence/a time to listen. In grad school, when I was getting a degree in counseling psychology, I learned the 90/10 rule...in a counseling session, clients should talk 90% of the time, counselors 10. I've always thought that was a good rule. What we say in a counseling session is not nearly as important as what the clients have to say. I get the impression that there is great value for clients in being heard. If we do our job correctly, we don't judge, we don't have any hidden agenda regarding what they say. We just try to show them that someone cares and that they've really been heard. It makes me think about my own life...perhaps I've spent far too much time talking rather than listening. (Is what I have to say really that important?) Sometimes, it's just best to be quiet. I figured out that you can learn a lot when you listen. And, in our hectic, hurry up lives, it really is nice to stop and be still for a while. Sometimes, in those silent moments, God speaks. It's why I love going to the adoration chapel. It forces me to be still and find God in the deepest recesses of my soul. The ironic thing is, in the silence, God certainly can speak loudly! It's in those moments that I have great peace because, generally speaking, I find answers. God is so good!

All Souls' Day

Yesterday, we collectively asked the communion of saints to pray for us. Today, on the feast of All Souls' Day, we pray as a community (and personally, of course) for our loved ones who have died and for all who are in purgatory. Along these lines, I've been thinking about my role in my clients' lives. Certainly my job is to help them to see that their babies dying by abortion is not a good solution or really a solution at all. In this, I try very hard, working to save lives. But what about souls? Aren't we called to help one another get to heaven? If so, how do we do that? Over the years, I have come to think that it isn't really enough to work to save lives in the work I do. More importantly, I must work to save souls.

One thing people say against our pregnancy center work is that, once the baby is born, he or she is going to live in abject poverty (generally true with our clients), probably be abused and not amount to anything, so it's much kinder to abort him or her. There is no room for hope in this statement and I vehemently take umbrage with that kind of thinking. All human life is sacred. I don't think we have the right to decide at any stage of life when a life should be over.

I read a piece of research once which concluded that, if a child from a negative environment had just one adult take an interest in him or her for a short time (i.e. a school year or even a period of a few months), it would mean the difference between a positive and negative outcome for that child's life. Now, I can't remember all the details (like how a positive or negative outcome was defined) but it has always given me hope for our clients and their children. Maybe we at the life care center are the ones who will be the instigators of the positive outcome in this way!

Every life is precious to God and, as a Christian, I think it's our duty to uphold the value of each one of us, as He would have us do.

All Saints' Day

I love this holy day! It's the day I am reminded of the communion of saints in heaven and pray that I will be among them one day. (The Catholic hymns for this day are awesome, too!) You know, there is a misconception in our culture that we will never be perfect so why bother to try? That kind of thinking doesn't recognize that we will HAVE to be perfect if we will be in heaven one day. After all, we are taught that there can be no imperfection in heaven. God calls us to holiness, to perfection, and we must work our entire lives to become holy. I understand how we think the way we do. Sometimes, I think I'm really doing well on the holiness meter but then I do something I know I shouldn't (like overeat chocolate...) which shows me I have a long, long way to go...

Someone reminded me the other day that God calls us, not to happiness in this life, but to holiness. In that context, our suffering can mean something. We can offer it up for the good of our souls and for others'. We can embrace it as being an opportunity to grow closer to Our dear Lord, who suffered excruciatingly for us. We can humbly accept that we are not perfect YET but, with the grace of God, we can get there one day. That's how we counselors at the center try to approach our clients: where they're at, knowing that we, ourselves, have done (and continue to do...) terrible things that helped nail Jesus to the cross, too. We see many who don't understand that illicit sex, contraception and abortion are morally wrong. Should we judge them for this? I don't think so but we CAN show them a better way. We can show them that Jesus loves each one of us more than we can fathom, and, by listening to their voice within, they, too, will find the source of deep longing to be with God at all times.

Now then, for me, today, the question is WHAT will I do with all the left over Halloween candy??? Maybe that's been the REAL reason why I've loved this holy day so much (especially when I had 4 little ones with bags full of candy they'd gotten in their rounds through our neighborhood!). This year, I think I'd better take it to the center to give to the clients and their children!

Happy All Saints' Day!

abortion effects

One thing I know to be true is that abortion does nothing good for anyone. You may want to refute this fact but I would tell you that, from what I've seen (and I've seen plenty...), I believe you are wrong. Abortion negatively impacts and affects the baby, the mother, the father, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, potential classmates and friends, the local community, the world at large. It devastates lives spiritually, psychologically, emotionally and physically in many, many ways.

I consider myself a bit of an expert on this topic because of what I've heard from my clients at the center. Granted, most of my expertise is based on anecdotal evidence, but, trust me, it's sufficient. When one has heard the same things over and over again, the truth emerges. Over the years, I've talked with thousands of women who have had abortions. Only a tiny few (I can count them on one hand) have ever told me they were fine and stuck with their story upon my querying them further. I've always suspected that they built a wall so thick between themselves and their emotions that they could talk themselves into feeling fine. I believe, down the road, something will be triggered and they will realize they aren't fine. Most will present with "I'm fine" but the minute I ask a simple question like "How did that experience go for you?", they burst into tears or they tell me they will never really get over it or they will never do it again. That's not "fine" in my estimation. Women are walking around, years and years later, still wounded by what they did (and what was done to them...not all freely choose this action; many times they were coerced by a "loved one".)I was speaking with a woman the other day who had had an abortion 20 years ago. It was the only child she ever would have had. Blessedly, she said, she found Rachel's Vineyard and a way to work on being healed from this terrible wound at the core of her soul but she still thinks about what she did...A young man, about 30, came to meet with me about selling office supplies to me for the center. After we were done meeting, he asked what it was we do there. He was a tall, very large black man. I stood as straight as I could next to him, ready for a negative response from him, when I replied, "We help women decide not to have abortions." Guess what? He, all 250+ pounds of him, crumpled before me and started to cry, saying, "Ten years ago, my then girl friend had an abortion without my knowing it." He thanked me for the work we do. From that exchange, I learned that fathers of aborted babies can have terrible pain, too. It goes on and on...and I could certainly tell you more but you get the picture: abortion does nothing good for anyone.

our talents and blessings

Before doing this work, I never really considered the importance of all of our talents to the world. I just kind of did my thing with little thought of the broader picture. Now, I understand that every single one of us, barring none, comes to the world with special gifts, given to us by God, unique to ourselves. These gifts are meant to be shared. I am a professional church musician and many times people will approach me, saying they wish they could play like I do. After I thank them, I always respond with a soft, "and what are your special talents that you share?" or, if I know the person, I say something like, "Oh, but look what you get to share!" and then go on to list the special gifts they have that I see in them. It doesn't really matter if our talent is showy (like my musical ability) or simple. What matters is we share with others what God has given us. (Most likely, a case could be made, for the sake of humility, the less showy the better...) Whenever I hear that an abortion has been done, I immediately get sad. The world becomes a much bleaker place because now the world will never get to experience the unique talents of the precious child of God whose life was ended, just weeks after he or she was conceived. This thought always gives me renewed resolve to continue to fight for the lives of these dear little people for they truly are God's blessings to all of us.

Welcome to my blog!

Two people in this world call me Nana. Four call me Mom, Mother or Mama, depending on the day. Most just call me Joanne. You may call me Joanne. I am not fussy...just don't call me late to dinner, as the old joke goes! I was never fond of my name until recently when I figured out that, within "Joanne", there are vestiges/derivatives of several saints' names: St. Joachim, the father of Mary; St. Anne, the mother of Mary; St. Joan of Arc, St. Joseph...All in all, a very noteworthy part of the list of the who's who in the heavenly realm! And, trust me, I call upon them often to pray for me and to advocate for my work.

I hope you will enjoy my musings. Actually, I hope to impart thought-provoking words or words that tickle your funny bone, with a grain of poignancy thrown in at times. I will now officially begin...

I am the director of a very busy pro-life pregnancy resource center. I've done this work for 12 years. When I first started, I entered the center each day, armed with a list of things to do that day. I soon learned it was fruitless to have a list because none of the things ever got done and I'd walk out of the center, clutching my undone list and throw it in the garbage can outside our door. I concluded that the only way to approach this work was with a servant attitude, ready to react to our clients and their needs, for they were many (both clients and their needs!). Paper work and administrative things could wait. People come first. And, over the years, I have learned much, much more!